Define 'Single Parent'

[HanselandGretel]

Posted this on Lone Parents but also think it might be relevant for this thread and would be interested to see what others think -

I'm live on my own with my children, no partner. To me that's whats classed as a single parent.

When I was OD some guys would say they were 'single dads', yet on speaking to them further it turns out they don't live with their kids just see them as per arrangements with the mum.

There was also someone who has sole custody of his child but is living with a partner for a few years yet still calling themselves a 'single dad' ....to me that's curious as they are no longer 'single' and are very much parenting with their partner who has loads of input.
It rankles with me a bit to call yourself a single parent but have all the luxuries of a live-in relationship....

[zukkermaus]

I agree. Single parent = person not in relationship who has day to day responsibility for at least one child.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think lone parent means you're raising children alone, either as sole parent or in a co-parenting arrangement. I think 'single parent', even if it's only weekends, is important to know because it's shorthand for 'I have other priorities'... 'I won't be available every weekend' etc. If they're living with a partner, why are they on OD???

[ChaChaChaChanges]

Interesting question.

To my mind, a lone parent is one who is raising his/her children with no or negligible day-to-day input from the other parent.

I think that's different from being a single parent, which to me means being single from a relationship perspective and a parent. I'm not sure it matters too much the extent to which the parent has day-to-day responsibilities - does once per week and EOW (a typical set up for a NRP) not count, particularly if the RP knows that s/he can call on the NRP for help.

If I were dating someone, I would certainly want to know that he had children because I would expect the children to come first.

[HanselandGretel]

The particular use of the term 'single dad' is used by the person in question to drive a point home and put someone else down, hence my 'rankledness'! I can see he's talking a load of bollox and using the term to his advantage.

[Squidstirfry]

What would you call the father though, or rather what would the father call himself, in a couple who have seperated but the children live with the mum?

("Absent father" maybe the true term) but they would have to call themselves single parent I suppose as they do have biological children but are seperated from the mum...

Using a term like single parent to drive a point for his own advantage = "wanker parent!"

[CharlotteCollins]

I am single, and my DCs live with me about 70% of the time. I don't feel I fit the "single parent" category because their dad does so much for them.

Ironically, I felt much more of a single parent while I was still with their dad. He did next to nothing with the DCs then. I had no support whatever from him: practical, emotional, not even financial, really.

But nobody understands that and ppl are much more supportive now, now that I don't need the support!

[MyChildDoesntNeedSleep]

I suppose I am technically a single parent as I am divorced and live alone with my children. However, they stay with their dad from Sunday night and I don't see them again until I pick them up from school on Wednesday afternoon. So basically I have them 5 days and their dad has them 2 days.

Their dad has them extra if I want a night out, or have a hair appointment or anything, really. There is also none of this 'here's the kids' dirty washing' rubbish. He even came round to fix whatever needed fixing/decorate/weed my garden up until I got a boyfriend then he refused to do all these things...which is understandable. The relationship is still very amicable, though, and I know I can always call on him and he'll help out in a flash. It really is co-parenting.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that my life is actually easier now as a 'single parent'. I get a lot of time to myself, whereas when I was married I NEVER had time to myself. I feel very lucky and feel a fraud calling myself a 'single parent' as I think of my mum bringing up a 3 year old me and my 2 year old brother on her own with no family support and think how the hell can I call myself a single mum?

[RonneandFrankie]

My DP's ex used to call herself a "stay at home, single mum" for the 3 years they were together - he paid rent, bills and food, while she paid to put their child in childcare full-time while she was at home not working (she claimed benefits for being a single parent, which is what she used to pay for childcare.)
My understanding is that she said it because she didn't feel like he did enough around the house etc after work and on weekends - which is a fair enough gripe, but not what I would call a single parent. And she's always been one to exaggerate to make it sound like she's much worse off than she is.

It didn't even involve me and it shit me off - I felt like it was trivialising parents who really do have to do it without the help from a partner.

[wafflyversatile]

Single dad just says to me that they are a dad who is no longer with the mum. I would probably assume that they were still involved with their kids and had them EOW at least, and possible the majority of the time. From my perspective the most likely place I'd see this is on OD so I'd expect a little more detail in the profile.

Just because someone is using the term disingenuously doesn't invalidate the term.

[BitOutOfPractice]

So according to some of you, you can only claim LP status if the non resident parent has little or no input? How does that work? My exH has the kids 2-3 nights a week.

[CinnabarRed]

It's not a judgement at all, but no I wouldn't think of you as a LP. I'd think of you as a SP.

[HumblePieMonster]

My daughter tells me I'm not one, now she's 32. I say, I'm still a parent, still single.

[MirandaWest]

I don't know what I am. Divorced with two DC, in a relationship but not living together. Children are with XH on average about 2 nights a week. I too felt less of a single parent when XH moved out and actually saw the children rather than leaving it all to me.

But anyway I'm not a lone parent but not single, although not with DCs dad so what am I?

[Anniegetyourgun]

On my counting I'll be a single parent for another few months, when DS4 hits 18. Then he'll be officially an adult, so I won't be the parent of a dependent child. And yet he and I are still the same people and will very probably be living exactly the same life the day after as the day before his birthday (and quite likely for several years to come). Go figure.

[tiredandsadmum]

Interesting isn't how complex our society is.

I consider myself to be a single parent - I am the only adult in the household and look after my DS for 70-ish % of the time. I believe that I fit the standard govt term here.

Ex does see DS regularly. He really objects to me calling myself a single parent. (He is a total snob now and clearly doesn't like his DS being "classed" in this way).

[Llareggub]

I class myself as a LP. My ex sees our children once a fortnight for the day, in my house. We discuss things over the phone and I try and couch this as making decisions together but the reality is that he'll just go with whatever I've decided.

Our DCs spend some hols with their grandparents so I do get some time to recover but usually it is just the three of us. I can't see much changing - I'm not particularly interested in a relationship although I do have a friends with benefits situation. He's a long standing friend of many, many years and I love him (almost!) like a brother.

[daisychain01]

It shows what a misleading term it is, and also how crap it is using it in OD as a badge of honour "look at me, aren't I wonderful Im a single parent" although in fairness it can also be shorthand for a whole plethora of variable and complex scenarios related to parenting children after splitting up.

Disingenuous, or just a quick way of saying something. It depends on how the term is used.

But to use it to put someone else down, that's just shit!

[Smo2]

I'm a single parent in my eyes. I have two DC, live alone with them and make all the parenting decisions. Their dad sees them when it suits, rarely and never gets involved in their lives...in good periods, he has them once a week overnight, but I still call myself a single parent then...as I have complete responsibility for them. I have a boyfriend...so we all do stuff together, but he doesn't live here, or parent the kids. That's what makes me a single parent. I'd never say I'm a lone parent though...that implies I have no support, and that's not the case. I don't from their dad, but I do from other people.

X

[mipmop]

I've never heard the term "lone parent" apart from on mumsnet. I didn't realise that people made a distinction between being a single parent or a lone parent, or what that distinction would be.

[InSummer]

I think I'm a lone parent, DD's Dad passed away so literally am the only one and have to do everything. Would think of a Mum who had no support from ex in the same way.

Friends that are spit from children's Dads who are around, I consider single parents.

[InSummer]

Or a Dad with no support I should say as well!

[Handywoman]

Me too, never thought there was a distinction to be made between SP/LP.

I definitely feel like an SP or LP. stbxh has the kids EOW never contacts them in between or makes any effort to play an active role in their lives. Just 'spends time' EOW shopping/MacDonalds/X-box. Due to his low-level manipulation and determination to avoid acknowledging what a poor excuse for a husband/father he is I am now in a 'no contact' situation. So partly this is my choice as I'm no longer spoonfeeding him in his Dad role.

It's all very complicated and I guess v much depends on the dymanics for each set of parents.

[thornrose]

InSummer my dd's dad died too, I see myself as a lone parent.

[InSummer]

Sorry to hear that thornrose

It is not easy but we have to get on with it don't we

[thornrose]

Indeed we do, and it doesn't get easier in my experience. Despite other people's expectations.