Finding it hard with anxious husband

[funnyvalentine]

My husband has always been a worrier, but in the past years since having kids (DCs are 1 and 3) it's got worse. He's been to the GP and is having CBT for anxiety issues.

I find it really hard to deal with his worries. Part of me starts to get defensive when he worries about something, as though he's accusing me of not doing a good enough job. His anxiety often manifests as frustration, and I always end up feeling edgy when he's frustrated and annoyed, even if it's not directed at me. When he does get annoyed at me, it's generally because he feels that I don't tell him how I'm feeling, or what's going on in my life. We joke that I'm more like the stereotypical husband and him the wife in our relationship when it comes to communication! And he often feels like I fill my life up with stuff and we don't have enough time together.

I thought about doing relationship counselling alone, does anyone have any experience of doing that? I need to find ways of coping with his mood when he's feeling down, without taking things personally. Also to get comfortable with being more open about my feelings.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Rather than you finding ways to cope with his moods, I'd have thought he's the one that should take the initiative. It's not your responsibility to tell him how you're feeling or give him a running commentary on your life. That's unreasonable.

It's good that he's having CBT because a big part of that will be him learning to recognise when he's rationally and irrationally anxious and developing coping strategies. You can possibly assist if he is rationally anxious, for example, but it's up to him to work out a way to deal with the irrationally anxious times that doesn't involve getting annoyed with you. I think that's the challenge you set him.

[LEMmingaround]

Walk a mile in his shoes and you might be a little more understanding.

[ThirdPoliceman]

So how does the op do that, Lemming? How does she develop irrational anxiety?

[funnyvalentine]

Thanks cogito, I know he's got work to do but I feel like I should make an effort to meet him partway. After all, I'm not brilliant at some of this stuff.

Lemmingaround, which part of my op suggested that I'm not understanding?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

My point precisely. If someone is behaving irrationally, those around them - unless they are trained health professionals - cannot understand, let alone empathise.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"After all, I'm not brilliant at some of this stuff."

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are looking after two very small children and that's a full-on responsibility. If you've got this person being irrationally anxious, getting annoyed with you and generally bringing the mood down into the bargain, that's very stressful

What kind of things does he get over-anxious about? Why does he need to know how you're feeling?

[TheHoneyBadger]

ok there's a bit of irony here OP.

you say he gets annoyed that you don't share your feelings with him and you want to find a way of hiding your feelings about his behaviour from him or making them go away somehow.

how about you tell him how it makes you feel and work out a solution together? then he gets what he wanted (to know how you're feeling) and you get a chance to work together on strategies for how to deal with his problems.

you could agree to ways that you can express how his behaviour is making you feel at the time for example and strategies that he can then take to reduce the effect on you.

do you see the irony i'm talking about?

[TheHoneyBadger]

presumably you're hiding your feelings from him for fear of hurting/worrying him but actually the hiding of the feelings is worrying him. if he wants your feelings that doesn't mean he gets to just have the nice shiny ones but has to face the reality of how you're actually feeling and how his behaviour impacts on how you feel.

talk.

[funnyvalentine]

I get the irony, but I'm not very comfortable with talking about how I'm feeling. Would like to get more so!

As for what he gets anxious about, lots of different stuff, a lot around the health and wellbeing of the kids, life, career, family... I'm at the opposite end of the scale, I don't stress about a lot of stuff and I tend to assume it'll all work out ok in the end.

[LEMmingaround]

Arrgghhh sorry for the stroppy post not helpful.

I guess you wouldnt be posting if you didnt care.

I suffer from anxiety and it clouds everything. It is always there. I dont choose to be this way. I know its irrational. It makes me irritable and shouty as if I am anxious a minor irritant is enough to send me into meltdown. It has nearly cost me my dp. Medication is the only thing that helps me.

Try to imagine every time the phone ringing you think its bad news. The post coming is a reposession notice (even if not in mortgae arrears) every sneeze is swine flu. Every mole is cancer. ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!! Sometimes there isn't room in my head for anything else.

I dont expect sympathy or for people to understand. But trying to get a handle on his triggers. What he needs if hrs anxious. Sometimes I ask dp -it will be ok wont it? What will be ok? I don't know? I just need "come on. Dont be silly. You know im here.its fine"

Its wearing for dp and you. But trust me. If I could stop it I would. But I just can't. I just have to manage it.

Again sorry for previous post. Just hit a nerve I guess x

[LEMmingaround]

My counsellor offered to have a session with dp but he declined. He found it useful to visit the gp and psychiatrist with me so could get an understanding that anxiety is an illness not an attitude.

[funnyvalentine]

No worries lemmingaround, I do appreciate that anxiety can be an illness and not an attitude that can be switched on and off - doesn't make it any easier to be around though. I'm trying to work out how I can help myself be more resiliant, for my own sake!

[LEMmingaround]

Whist it is an illness it does not excuse behaviour that makes you feel you need to build resilience too. He needs to understand how it makes you feel. It will be hard for him to hear but he needs to hear it.