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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

So do I give dp a rollicking or not?

75 replies

teaandthorazine · 31/07/2014 22:45

Really fucking fed up. I know this sounds petty but....am fuming.

Dp and I had decided to have a takeaway and a bottle of wine tonight as ds was eating at his grandparents'. I had a work do but said I would be back by 8pm so we could order and eat together. Got a text from him at 5.45 saying he was having a pint after work but would be back by 8 as agreed. I left my work do (and some really delicious cocktails!) at 6.30 to pick up ds and get home in time.

He sent me a text at 7ish saying he knew he was a dick but was having another pint and would be back by 9. He is still not home now.

I just feel like a fucking mug. I was in the pub having a nice time too, but I left in time because I'd taken our arrangement seriously. I feel as if he just thought, 'ah fuck it, who cares?' I know a takeaway and a bottle isn't exactly a mindblowingly exciting invite but we are short on cash and...we'll, tbh he was out on Monday night and is also planning to be out tomorrow, so...

I was previously married to an alcoholic who used to disappear for entire weekends on benders, so maybe I'm super sensitive to this kind of thing but I just feel like an absolute mug for believing he'd actually be home on time. Grrrrrrr.

OP posts:

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EvilHerbivore · 31/07/2014 22:52

I don't think YABU, you had plans together and you held up your side of the bargain (leaving your event even though you would have liked to have stayed so you could be back by 8pm) and he didn't, he blew you out to stay out drinking with his mates which he knows he's in the wrong for hence the "I know I'm being a dick..." text.

EvilHerbivore · 31/07/2014 22:52

I don't think YABU, you had plans together and you held up your side of the bargain (leaving your event even though you would have liked to have stayed so you could be back by 8pm) and he didn't, he blew you out to stay out drinking with his mates which he knows he's in the wrong for hence the "I know I'm being a dick..." text.

Bugsylugs · 31/07/2014 22:58

It is the lack of respect YANBU

Jumblebee · 31/07/2014 22:59

I would be majorly fucked off by this! Have you rang him to find out why he hasn't come home? I'd be tempted to lock him out and drown out any noise of door bell ringing/phone ringing wondering why he can't get in but then again I'm extremely immature like that

teaandthorazine · 31/07/2014 23:00

It is disrespectful, isn't it, I'm not being OTT?

I just think, he wouldn't do this to a mate - and I would never dream of doing this to him.

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Lweji · 31/07/2014 23:00

YANBU.

Is it the first time he's done something like this?

I'd forgive if he was with friends he very rarely saw (like once a year), otherwise it sounds like he's taking you for granted.

teaandthorazine · 31/07/2014 23:04

It's people he works with. He is leaving the job in a few weeks to go to something where I don't think he will have the same opportunities so I'm wondering whether just to bite my tongue....but am not sure I will be able to. They go out a lot, and frequently v late nights (back at 4am Sat morning etc)

I hate feeling like the moany little woman. XH used to always say I spoiled his fun when I wanted to know where the fuck he had been for the last 24 hours...

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Lweji · 31/07/2014 23:07

If it's people he works with, I'm sure he'd have the opportunity to arrange a proper full night with him.

Does he ever do this kind of thing or is it a complete one off? He should get the message that it will a one off. He should have checked with you if you were ok on cancelling the plans, not just tell you they were cancelled.

teaandthorazine · 31/07/2014 23:11

He's never actually blown me out before when we've actually planned something, but is a regular with the whole, oh am just having one more pint, will be on the next train sweetie, etc and then not pitching up until much later.

I don't mind that so much because I just assume if he's going out for 'a pint' that he won't be back until late, but this has really really fucked me off because I feel as if I've kept my side of the bargain and he just can't be arsed.

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CatKisser · 31/07/2014 23:11

No I'd feel the same as you.

I'd also feel annoyed at the text saying "I know I'm a dick but.."

Why didn't he call like an adult and say "I'd really like to stay out, would you mind if XYZ" so you could have rearranged the evening. As it is, you're the mug who had to cut short her fun to be responsible and your evening's been ruined. I'd be PISSED off! (I'd be doing that livid nose breathing that suggests flames might be imminent.)

He owes you an apology. DON'T even begin to think of your ex's stupid comments - you're not being unreasonable in the slightest here.

magoria · 31/07/2014 23:12

Sounds like you have got an exH mark 2.

I can see how you are short of cash if he is doing this so frequently.

Who is cutting back and on what?

teaandthorazine · 31/07/2014 23:12

Plus I'm hungry! I was looking forward to my takeaway!

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CatKisser · 31/07/2014 23:13

And just seen you're short on cash!
Dunno where you are OP but round my way pints are over £3... he's doing a lot of going out for someone who should be watching the pennies...

teaandthorazine · 31/07/2014 23:15

He's out in central London, catkisser

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Fairylea · 31/07/2014 23:16

If you're short of cash why is he literally pissing it away going out so much? I'd be annoyed about that too.

Yanbu. I'd be very annoyed. He's effectively stood you up.

teaandthorazine · 31/07/2014 23:18

To be fair (!!) this job is very temporary before he starts the permanent one in Sept so it's only been a matter of weeks. The new one will be very unlikely to have the same sort of social thing going on. But tbh that doesn't make me feel any less fed up tonight.

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CatKisser · 31/07/2014 23:18

FUCK THAT SHIT!
How bloody unfair!
And order that goddamn takeaway. Don't let him come home and think you waited sorrowfully for his return! Or will they not deliver for a small amount?
Oh just SO frustrating!

But seriously.... I really would talk to him about pissing the cash away when you're short. Does he care? Who takes care of most f the finances?

teaandthorazine · 31/07/2014 23:20

I take care of all the finances. He's been a student for the last year. It's been complicated...

Just got a text 'Hi, am on train home now'. Well, aren't I lucky?

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CatKisser · 31/07/2014 23:23

Well.... hmm.
No point trying to start a sensible discussion with a drunk person. But don't let him do the "I'm too hung over to talk about this, leave me alone" thing tomorrow.

He will undoubtedly pick up on your pissed offness. What are you going to say?

calzone · 31/07/2014 23:24

I would be fuming too!

Do you have an evil plan?

Clutterbugsmum · 31/07/2014 23:26

I'd be inclined to text back "So fucking what" lock the door and go to bed.

And having words tomorrow about tonight.

teaandthorazine · 31/07/2014 23:28

I'm thinking I might go to bed before he gets home tbh. I don't think I want to talk to him.

I do think we need to have a long talk. He is totally lovely in so many ways but he needs to understand how utterly fucked off I am and what a disrespectful git he's been.

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teaandthorazine · 31/07/2014 23:29

The irony is I was quite happy for him to go out tomorrow night because I'd planned to work on my dissertation, but now he'll probably be too hungover

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venusandmars · 31/07/2014 23:30

Well, I'd not give him a "rollocking" - that way lies defensiveness, argument and the potential for a small storm to turn into a big one.

However it is not right to bite your tongue - that way lies resentment.
I would let it go for tonight (apart from telling him - in a factual way - that you had been looking forward to the takeaway). But then tomorrow have a calm and assertive conversation about it. Tell him what you were expecting, what you were looking forward to and how you felt when it didn't happen. With my dp I say "I don't want you to argue back at the moment, I just want you to listen to how I was feeling"

Castlemilk · 31/07/2014 23:31

I'd be inclined to text back "So fucking what" lock the door and go to bed.

Yes, so would I.

Fucking disrespectful... and as such, well worth nipping right in the bud.

Do your marriage a favour and go UTTERLY FUCKING BALLISTIC.

He will not be out tomorrow night. He will be busy keeping a delayed appointment at home. With a very big apology and a very big takeaway.

Flip

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