Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Aibu to think just because he works close to home.....

(63 Posts)
thebluehen Thu 31-Jul-14 21:45:42

and often pops into the house, he shouldn't expect me to drop everything the moment he walks in the house?

I literally feel i can never get on with anything because I am always interrupted!

He feels he neglected his first wife so seems to think he has to keep appearing on my days off and having a coffee or turns up for breakfast any time between 7:30 and 9 and therefore expects me to have breakfast with him every day. Dinner last night was fitted round his schedule and often is.

We had a row this morning because I'm going away to my family for a few days and he came in to say goodbye (meaning he expected me to sit and have breakfast with him) at a time he knew id still be packing and getting ready but apparently he's juggled his work round do I should therefore give him my time and carry on packing when he had gone.

I can see his point today but it's every day that I have to stop doing whatever I'm doing because "he's juggled his work so he can see me".

I have told him that I need some space sometimes and constant interruptions on my days off aren't necessary but he says he likes to see me and then I feel guilty.

Whatever I'm doing at home might not be "important" but I can't seem to be able to get on with anything and heaven forbid I ever want some privacy, I can't even take a shit without him interrupting me! shock

I haven't watched a film or opened a book for months. I can't sort out the house paperwork or even dust the cobwebs without him expecting me to stop what I'm doing and talk to him.

It's not bloody normal is it and I've been too nice haven't I?

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 31-Jul-14 22:02:44

Is this another cat thread?

Walkacrossthesand Thu 31-Jul-14 22:30:02

So he goes off to work early, and sometimes - not always - comes home for breakfast. What happens if you've already breakfasted hmm
You mention your days off - what's your work pattern?
At one level it's nice that he likes to take advantage of the days that you're at home to 'hang out' for a bit - but I think a bit of notice (eg before he goes to work that day) is reasonable if he hopes you to be 'available' - and he needs to accept 'no, sorry, busy' sometimes.
Is he actually checking up on you do you think?

Lweji Thu 31-Jul-14 22:37:06

What happens if you say no and can't spend time with him?

Lweji Thu 31-Jul-14 22:38:37

If I understand it, he's a partner and you don't live together?
How long have you been together?

thebluehen Thu 31-Jul-14 22:41:43

I don't think he's checking up on me but it FEELS very controlling sometimes.

I have always thought he genuinely just wants to see me but I have asked him to stop doing it so often and understand that I need a bit is space, he stopped for a while but he's gone back now.

Work pattern is I'm at work 4 days out of the house. 1 of those days is irregular hours so he's often " just passing" that afternoon to "see if I'm home". I mostly have 1 day off during the week at home but am self employed too and often work at home that day, if not I'm just doing house type stuff.

His ex wife did have an affair and left him, albeit she never conducted the affair at home. Maybe he doesn't trust me? I don't feel he's controlling in other ways though.

thebluehen Thu 31-Jul-14 22:41:46

I don't think he's checking up on me but it FEELS very controlling sometimes.

I have always thought he genuinely just wants to see me but I have asked him to stop doing it so often and understand that I need a bit is space, he stopped for a while but he's gone back now.

Work pattern is I'm at work 4 days out of the house. 1 of those days is irregular hours so he's often " just passing" that afternoon to "see if I'm home". I mostly have 1 day off during the week at home but am self employed too and often work at home that day, if not I'm just doing house type stuff.

His ex wife did have an affair and left him, albeit she never conducted the affair at home. Maybe he doesn't trust me? I don't feel he's controlling in other ways though.

thebluehen Thu 31-Jul-14 22:42:30

I don't think he's checking up on me but it FEELS very controlling sometimes.

I have always thought he genuinely just wants to see me but I have asked him to stop doing it so often and understand that I need a bit is space, he stopped for a while but he's gone back now.

Work pattern is I'm at work 4 days out of the house. 1 of those days is irregular hours so he's often " just passing" that afternoon to "see if I'm home". I mostly have 1 day off during the week at home but am self employed too and often work at home that day, if not I'm just doing house type stuff.

His ex wife did have an affair and left him, albeit she never conducted the affair at home. Maybe he doesn't trust me? I don't feel he's controlling in other ways though.

thebluehen Thu 31-Jul-14 22:42:32

I don't think he's checking up on me but it FEELS very controlling sometimes.

I have always thought he genuinely just wants to see me but I have asked him to stop doing it so often and understand that I need a bit is space, he stopped for a while but he's gone back now.

Work pattern is I'm at work 4 days out of the house. 1 of those days is irregular hours so he's often " just passing" that afternoon to "see if I'm home". I mostly have 1 day off during the week at home but am self employed too and often work at home that day, if not I'm just doing house type stuff.

His ex wife did have an affair and left him, albeit she never conducted the affair at home. Maybe he doesn't trust me? I don't feel he's controlling in other ways though.

thebluehen Thu 31-Jul-14 22:42:46

I don't think he's checking up on me but it FEELS very controlling sometimes.

I have always thought he genuinely just wants to see me but I have asked him to stop doing it so often and understand that I need a bit is space, he stopped for a while but he's gone back now.

Work pattern is I'm at work 4 days out of the house. 1 of those days is irregular hours so he's often " just passing" that afternoon to "see if I'm home". I mostly have 1 day off during the week at home but am self employed too and often work at home that day, if not I'm just doing house type stuff.

His ex wife did have an affair and left him, albeit she never conducted the affair at home. Maybe he doesn't trust me? I don't feel he's controlling in other ways though.

BranchingOut Thu 31-Jul-14 22:46:22

But I suppose the effect is still the same - you are kept pn your toes...

thebluehen Thu 31-Jul-14 22:47:52

Sorry for multiple posts! Phone playing games.

We do live together, and have done for 4 years, we aren't married though.

gamerchick Thu 31-Jul-14 22:48:24

Make a list of jobs and when he comes home say 'oooooh just the person, will you >insert whatever job here< please? And crack on with whatever you're doing.

I would live it if my husband popped home but what you're describing would drive me nuts.

gamerchick Thu 31-Jul-14 22:48:50

*love it

thebluehen Thu 31-Jul-14 22:49:39

Even simple things like trying to book surprise tickets for a show have been impossible to do.

flipchart Thu 31-Jul-14 22:51:09

I really would hate this. DH works in the same area that we live and does a lot of driving in the area and could easy pop in but doesn't.
We need a bit of space to do stuff.

Lweji Thu 31-Jul-14 23:03:23

The popping in sounds ok except for his need for your full attention. He needs a life.

Dirtybadger Thu 31-Jul-14 23:16:51

You live together? And he pops in? Very strange. Do you not see one another after work at all? Am I missing something?

thebluehen Fri 01-Aug-14 08:07:57

Yep we see each other every evening.

Dirtybadger Fri 01-Aug-14 08:15:21

Okay in that case this would drive me mad. I like my own space. Even if you don't, as much, this seems excessive. I'd be going out for breakfast alone now and again just to get the space. It's okay having someone around for breakfast but the popping in and out, would make me feel claustrophobic/smothered.

What does he do if he comes back and you just carry on with what you're doing and let him do his own thing? Is he particularly "demanding" (I.e. You have to sit down/stop)?
I assume he is from the way you say he mentions juggling work but if you just carry on..what happens? Sulking?

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 01-Aug-14 08:23:01

How many times a day does he pop in and how long for each time? If he is actually at work but not working could he get the sack or is he self employed? Could he be out finding new clients if he is?

Can you just ignore him, say 'hi' and then get on with your own work. Get a pair of glasses and when he stands there, look away from what you are doing, look over the glasses and say 'erm, did you need me for anything as I have a gazillion thing to do today and if you have some spare time there is a shopping list here of stuff that you can pop out and get?'
>hand list over, turn away and carry on doing what you were doing<

PickleMyster Fri 01-Aug-14 08:25:04

I think he is being a bit controlling. He's expecting you to drop everything. Does he think you sit at home twiddling your thumbs waiting, on the off chance, for him to turn up? How would he feel if you phoned him for a chat (because it was a convenient time for you) whilst he was in the middle of doing something?

Can you try talking to him at a time when to is convenient for both of you?

Mrsgrumble Fri 01-Aug-14 08:29:46

He sounds very needy. I don't think he is checking up on you but he needs a lot of reassurance.

This would drive me nuts. It's like my aunt who rings and rings, if I miss the oh I she rings someon else to see where I am. Aghhhh. Leave me alone.

Phew! I get you. I would just tell him that you are not his ex wife. I he comes home your to get on with things.

thebluehen Fri 01-Aug-14 08:36:50

I will carry on with what I'm doing but he will wait for me stop. So let's say I was hoovering, I wouldn't instantly stop but I would finish the room and turn the Hoover off then talk to him.

If he saw I was on the phone, he would either sit and wait or leave and come back.

If I was reading, he'd expect me to look up and out the book down.

I don't want to be rude to him but the last week or so has been ridiculous.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 01-Aug-14 08:39:04

"His ex wife did have an affair and left him, albeit she never conducted the affair at home."

Plus you said originally that he blamed himself for the affair because he had neglected her. So either he is overcompensating now out of fear that you will think he is neglecting you... or the reason his exW buggered off was because she was fed up having him in her face all day. smile

Whatever's going on in his head, you have to be assertive about this if you don't like it. If he fears abandonment, use it to your advantage.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now