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He refuses to be dumped

(30 Posts)
clarindajoules Wed 30-Jul-14 01:53:35

I have been dating someone for a couple months - lovers, not living together, spent a few "three day" dates and some days together (due to kids not spent a night together for a couple weeks)

I'd say I had and still have strong feelings - very attracted to him etc.

But I think he has controlling tendencies?

Light at the moment, but things like my appearance (although he's very complimentary, he's hinted strongly at buying me clothes without checking with me first - he's older than me and our financial positions are very different)

There is one thing he does (not sexual) which is quite intrusive to me, and which I'm sensitive about due to previous abusive relationship. But he'll just go and on about it even if I'm saying I feel uncomfortable? And sort of use phrases like "why won't you do it for MEEEEEEEEEEE!" or claiming I'm "stubborn" and "always want to get my own way" (utter bollocks, I'm very easy going) not wanting to participate in which triggers my red flags?

I haven't discussed previous/family abuse with him. This is another thing - it's like he seems to want "instant intimacy" with me telling him everything about my past. Not sexually, but it's like trying to rush me into "confession" even though I don't want to be that vulnerable just yet?

I sent an e-mail on Sunday stating this and that I didn't want to keep on seeing him for these reasons

(we haven't been communicating by phone as due to being very, very broke I've ceased using my PAYG phone for a while)

No reply. Should I just leave it? Argh. Part of me (yeah, you can guess which one) wants to spend another night together.

OldLadyKnowsSomething Wed 30-Jul-14 02:06:08

Not quite sure why you say he "refuses to be dumped" if you dumped him on Sunday and he hasn't been in touch since. Sounds more like he's accepted your decision.

But yes, many, many red flags there, keep him dumped, don't shag him again, even if the sex was amazing. Your triggers are working, don't ignore them.

clarindajoules Wed 30-Jul-14 02:06:18

Would add - at an intellectual level I strongly suspect it's part of the controlling script - just ignoring the e-mail so I have to re-contact him? Normally replies as soon as I've sent one, or at least within a couple hours.

But I'm finding it hard to emotionally detach?

clarindajoules Wed 30-Jul-14 02:08:22

Thanks OldLady it's nice getting some reassurance

OldLadyKnowsSomething Wed 30-Jul-14 02:11:57

Perhaps you need some sort of counselling - or just a strong MN thread! - to help you detach emotionally. But if your head is telling you he's being controlling, and wanting you to recontact him (to check he got the email?) surely the best thing to do is to forget him? You were only together for a few months, I'm assuming you have no committments, why would you pander to this shit?

clarindajoules Wed 30-Jul-14 02:15:10

We had no commitments together.

I guess it felt very intense (I didn't let him overwhelm me with gifts or anything) had some very nice times when he wasn't being controlling. It's hard to let go of that feeling, I suppose sad

OldLadyKnowsSomething Wed 30-Jul-14 02:25:58

And that's exactly how they drag you in.

I'm assuming that when you say he's older, and your financial situations are very different, that he's better-off than you? As women, we're still conditioned into the "rescue/White Knight fantasy", (and actually, so are men) but there's no joy in being a "rich" man's toy.

You already know this in your instincts; you spotted the red flags and said "No more". You kinda wish things were different, and that what he was offering was honest (and maybe the sex was amazing) but you can't ignore your gut feelings on this one.

I'm sorry, I know it can be hard. But dumping him was the right decision.

AdoraBell Wed 30-Jul-14 02:27:02

Leave it. Seriously. Your twatdar is working and presumably he would have contacted you by now if he hadn't had an email at the weekend?

He is quite likely hoping you will write again just to make sure he got the email, and then he has an in to start reeling you back in.

Do something to distract yourself for a few days, start a project, a book, decorate a room, or as OldLady suggested a good strong MN threadwink

You are doing really well so far.

clarindajoules Wed 30-Jul-14 02:34:23

Thanks guys, I have no-one to talk to IRL so all helping.

What's really annoying me is that I didn't want the whole "rich man poor girl" set-up as basically the sex was great, we had a lot in common, just enjoyed talking to him, and actually just given "life timing" if we had stuck together I might ended up being the higher earner at some point, which is fine.

I was aware of the disparity, and I've deliberately geared our dates towards free/cheap stuff bedroom time , not accepted cab fares, etc so trying to gear it to an equal partnership situation. It feels so frustrating.

wafflyversatile Wed 30-Jul-14 02:36:19

You dumped him. He's gone. (for now) no further action required or desirable.

If he does reply at some point trying to get you to reconsider or meet to discuss either dint respond or roly that you aren't going to change your mind. Your reasons for splitting are valid and will still be in a weeks time. Remember that when you feel weak.

OldLadyKnowsSomething Wed 30-Jul-14 02:40:23

It's frustrating because he frustrated what you wanted. It doesn't mean he's evil, he may well be a perfectly decent bloke, but he's not looking for the kind of equality in a relationship that you are; he wants (and has been conditioned into wanting) to be the wage-earner, The Man. It's an outdated concept, and not what you want, so you're right to call it quits now.

clarindajoules Wed 30-Jul-14 02:52:54

That's the trouble, the flashes of "good feminist man" make me sad. Like he's "80% there" but the 20% is rotten?

I'm currently happily studying for what will be a well-paid career if I get through my course, and he was keen on doing stuff like doing my cooking/laundry, proofreading my essays for me so I can concentrate on my course?

Basically doing the "wifework" (even though his own career is at a much higher level than me).

So I thought these were good signs at the start.

OldLadyKnowsSomething Wed 30-Jul-14 03:07:26

And they were good signs. And, again, he's not necessarily intrinsically evil, he wanted to help you. But he wanted to help you in ways you don't want/need help, hadn't asked for help. Then he starts offering "help" in other ways; about your appearance, the clothes you wear - the stuff you mentioned in your OP.

That's how they work; if they were monsters 24/7 from the start, no woman would get involved with them. But they "help" you, make nice, do the White Knight shit, you start to feel an obligation towards them...

Seriously, you acted on your red flags, and you were right. Stay strong.

Lweji Wed 30-Jul-14 07:33:24

You are right to leave him. It is ringing alarm bella for me.

However, you are still perfectly entitled to leave him if it's not right for you. You don't have to justify it to him or anyone else.

I think you may be right in that his no reply may be a hook. Most people want some sort of reply and closure. By not replying many women (as shown in threads here) feel the need to contact further and start doubting themselves.

Count yourself lucky instead and consider your relationship finished.
Whatever you do don't go for a final sex date, or pursue for closure. He will use that, I'm certain.

Your spider senses seem to be spot on. Keep them.

hamptoncourt Wed 30-Jul-14 12:49:29

I don't understand. You have dumped him by email, and now you say he is controlling you by not replying so you have to contact him again? That doesn't make any sense at all.

You have dumped him. End of story. He doesn't owe you a response.

Move on.

Vitalstatistix Wed 30-Jul-14 16:46:22

you don't need to make any further contact.

You have told him you don't want a relationship, he has chosen to not reply.

That doesn't mean the relationship still exists until you get his agreement.

It is done, over. Maybe he doesn't see a reason to reply, that doesn't mean he thinks you are still together.

Yup, leave him be. He may well be expecting further emails from you, so don't send any. And if he contacts you again, later on, just send him another email saying 'The relationship is over. I have nothing to say to you and no interest in hearing anything you have to say. Do not contact me again.'
And if he starts making a pest of himself, call the police.

He may accept that he's dumped. Not because he's Actually A Nice Man, necessariy but because, like all abusers, he wants a vulnerable woman, not one he suspects might have the guts to stand up to him and call him on his behaviour this quickly.

Twinklestein Wed 30-Jul-14 16:51:16

As I understand it, he's not refusing to be dumped, you're refusing to follow through with the dumping...

CarryOnDancing Wed 30-Jul-14 17:15:31

I assume that even if you really wanted things to end, you still wanted him to come back to you and fight to stay together.

Whilst that might be a nice ego boost, it would also be a PITA so really his lack of response if perfect!

It needed to end, you ended it, job done.

I hope the next one is the one!

Fairenuff Wed 30-Jul-14 18:05:52

just ignoring the e-mail so I have to re-contact him

I don't understand your reasoning here. Why would you have to re-contact him?

WitchWay Wed 30-Jul-14 18:36:17

I agree - why do you need him to contact you again? To acknowledge the dumping? Just ignore.

brokenhearted55a Wed 30-Jul-14 19:56:27

I suspect you secretly wanted him to contact you and talk you out of it.

Perhaps he wasn't as into you or controlling as you thought.

scarletforya Wed 30-Jul-14 20:07:59

Err. What?

It sounds like he has accepted it but you haven't! It sounds like you want him to chase you.

YvyB Wed 30-Jul-14 20:14:35

Sounds like you made a good decision. I ignored early red flags - the overwhelming presents, the clothes buying etc. Then I moved in and on my first night I dared to have a facebook conversation (well, about 4 messages were exchanged) with a good friend of mine and he went ballistic because I was so rudely ignoring him and not giving him my attention. I got tipped off a sofa and then thrown across the bedroom. I was so, so lucky I got away with bruising.

Your spidey senses told you what you needed to know and you've done what you needed to do. There's no need for any more contact. Be proud of yourself for being strong enough to have done it.

kentishgirl Wed 30-Jul-14 20:16:33

I think there's a very puzzled man somewhere thinking he's had a lucky escape. OP - sorry I don't want to pile on you, but this post is just plain weird. He didn't have to reply to an email dumping him (and dumping by email, with a list of his faults, is pretty callous by the way) and I can't get my head round why you think this means he is refusing to be dumped.

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