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11 years no sex - hold my hand please..

(108 Posts)
beansontoast77 Tue 29-Jul-14 23:57:12

So, some of you know me by now...seen my previous posts about my unhappy situation...Please be nice, I sit nere in tears...Had my last marriage counselling today, can't afford any more. We are in crisis, I don't know what's wrong with me, I crave intimacy, he doesn't want it. We neither can move. I can't leave him. I have no family, no money, haven't worked for 20 years...all assets are in his sole name. I wouldn't have a clue how to look after myself. I honestly don't think life would be worth living without him. I love him. But it hurts so much...tonight I can't sleep, didn't sleep last night either...I went to his room (we have separate rooms) got in his bed beside him and told him I felt deeply deeply hurt and rejected...He moaned about me waking him and needing his sleep. I lay there for a while, just feeling him close..then I got up and left...As I leave he says 'Don't be angry with me'. I used to never mind the lack of I do. I can't help myself. On paper, I've got everything...except the bit that makes it all worthwhile. But I can't leave him, so I exist in limbo...How did my life ever get like this? I can see no way out...

WanderingOakensHoohoo Tue 29-Jul-14 23:59:29

How would you both feel about you going elsewhere for intimacy?

I can't imagine living like this and feeling like there was no alternative sad

ChanelNumber19 Wed 30-Jul-14 00:00:32

Why can't you leave him shock

Can you go to women's aid?

Have you been honest with your friends about how bad it is? Have you asked for help?

Pipbin Wed 30-Jul-14 00:01:48

I'm sorry but I've got nothing to add. I didn't want to read and run so please have my hand to hold.

DH and I have been married for 12 years and only DTD about once a month. Do you get no intimacy at all? No touch or kiss on the cheek?

beansontoast77 Wed 30-Jul-14 00:03:18

I asked for an open marriage & he went totally nuts...that was a total deal-breaker as far as he was concerned. Womens aid is no good, I can't bear the thought of leaving. I can't imagine managing on my own, it feels impossible.

beansontoast77 Wed 30-Jul-14 00:04:15

No intimacy, nothing. I can take a hug, rarely get offered one. To have me in the house is all he needs.

HauntedNoddyCar Wed 30-Jul-14 00:04:24

Have you established via solicitor or CAB what your rights are? If you've been married all that time and assets in his name have accrued while you've been a sahm then I don't think they will be 'his'.

WanderingOakensHoohoo Wed 30-Jul-14 00:04:28

Wow he is completely in control isn't he? No wonder you feel you can't leave.

Lovingfreedom Wed 30-Jul-14 00:05:07

Are you married? If so, even if all assets are in his name most will be seen as joint matrimonial assets for the purposes or separation/divorce. If you can't live without him though and you've tried counselling and talking to him then it looks like you're going to have to resign yourself to things carrying on as they have been.

GoMe Wed 30-Jul-14 00:05:16

Of course you can live without him and you can look after yourself.

I have been in similar situation a part that I was the one who couldn't stand any kind of intimacy and had nothing to my name. There is no magic to make someone who doesn't want intimacy to change and be super affectionate. Specially after so long. Sorry this is just my opinion.

botanicbaby Wed 30-Jul-14 00:05:43

I don't think you should take his views into account.

I haven't seen your previous threads but it sounds like stalemate between you and you are the one suffering.

Life would be worth living without him but it is difficult to come round to that way of thinking when he is all know and are used to. The way he says 'don't be angry with me' shows me that he knows exactly what he is doing. Is he replacing intimacy with you with something else? If so, I know its easier said than done but I suggest you do the same, he is happy with the status quo and will do nothing to change it. The minute you do is when he will sit up and take notice. Whether you decide he is worth it or hanging around for is up to you. I appreciate you may not feel like this at the moment.

beansontoast77 Wed 30-Jul-14 00:05:49

All the assets were gained before marriage.

botanicbaby Wed 30-Jul-14 00:08:31

Ah..just spotted that he went nuts after you suggested an open marriage. There's your answer then. He's not prepared to meet your needs but will happily keep things as they are because it suits him.

Don't stand for it OP, get angry. You don't need to rub his face in it but start doing things for yourself, take no interest in intimacy with him. He will soon wonder why and doubt himself. He is truly not worth you wasting your life over.

WanderingOakensHoohoo Wed 30-Jul-14 00:09:17

Oh, and seriously, there is NOTHING wrong with you for wanting intimacy confused

Nothing necessarily wrong with him for not wanting it either, but the stalemate is not sustainable.

ChanelNumber19 Wed 30-Jul-14 00:09:34

you say you love him. You say all the assets are in his name. So you'd be entitled to something if you divorced? you wouldn't end up totally broke?
If he is worthy of your love he will end this torture. And it does sound like a torture. I went out with a gay man once in my late teens. All a bit strange, but he was my first real boyfriend and he wasn't certain he was brave enough to come out (I guess) adn we did GET ON very well like friends, but it drained my self-confidence as a woman. blush I can't imagine 11 years of that. No wonder you feel you can't leave.

Lovingfreedom Wed 30-Jul-14 00:09:40

Hasn't he been paying a mortgage while you were married? And paying into a pensioner savings?

beansontoast77 Wed 30-Jul-14 00:09:50

He says, 'I am enough for myself'. We never fight. We've just dissolved. If I had anything at all to lean on, just one member of family, it would make it easier. I could maybe manage. But I have nothing.

WanderingOakensHoohoo Wed 30-Jul-14 00:10:58

Lean on yourself!!

ChanelNumber19 Wed 30-Jul-14 00:11:33

you can't go on like this.

splitting up will be 12 months of upset, explanations, justifications, practicalities, arrangements, packing, planning, organising......... But it will come to and end and it will be worth it.

beansontoast77 Wed 30-Jul-14 00:11:37

We have no mortgage & no pension either!

mum2bof31986 Wed 30-Jul-14 00:11:38

I know how the rejection feels and the loneliness. I think that's contributing to you feeling like you couldn't do it alone. Is being alone knowing your alone or being alone in relationship more damaging to yourself. I've been so angry with my now ex because i found his porn but he didn't know i existed. Its soul destroying bur i feel better now knowing I've taken control and knowing in worth more and i do deserve to be loved

heyday Wed 30-Jul-14 00:13:22

Well if he won't change and you won't or can't leave then the only 'solution' I can come up with is to invest in some decent sex toys for yourself. I know it's not the intimacy that you desperately crave but can't really see that there are too many other alternatives whilst you both remain in this stalemate situation.
If he dropped dead tomorrow or walked out, believe me you would survive and you would cope. It would be hard to go it alone but certainly not impossible. It's time to start believing in yourself.

ChanelNumber19 Wed 30-Jul-14 00:13:30

Beansontoast77, i know it's different, but I left an abusive partner in 06. I'd nowhere to go and no money when I got there. But somehow it all worked out. DOn't feel that women's aid would only help you if you were being subjected to physical abuse. Your confidence has been eroded to zero. You are worried about finances. That's two reasons to call women's aid.

beansontoast77 Wed 30-Jul-14 00:14:22

I'm so low I have no self-belief. I just can't see myself surviving alone.

beansontoast77 Wed 30-Jul-14 00:15:47

I wish I had some family of my own....

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