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Relationships

Can I move on and have a relationship with my mum after what's happened?

21 replies

Worryworker · 29/07/2014 21:48

I posted a while ago under different name explaining my mums selfish behaviour since my childhood. Always felt her needs came first and her emotional wellbeing was more important than my own. Also that following splitting from my dad when I was 9, subsequent men in her life have also been more important than me and my dsis.

Anyway, returning to present. My mum split from step dad last year after a few years of unhappiness. She made him miserable with her constant criticism and lack of affection etc. she refused to work on the marriage or engage in marriage counselling that my step dad suggested. However, when they split she played the role of victim very well, stating to me at one point 'none of this is my fault'. Has subsequently fallen out with her own dp's, dsis and db since too.

A big issue for me though is that after they split she suddenly disclosed to me and my dsis that she had suspicions that my step dad was a peodophile, citing examples of when my niece was a baby and how he once stared when my mum changed her nappy and another time again with my niece but when she was older and he picked her up and was lifting her up and down and her leg was rubbing on his crotch. These were the only examples she gave us and spoke of how it made her feel uneasy. Of course, me and dsis confronted her as to why, if she had these doubts, did she stay with him (niece is now 11). She just responded that she wished she had said something sooner and she would never have left him alone with any of the grandchildren! Me and dsis do not believe this of our step dad and I suggested to mum that perhaps she lied as a way to spread a malicious lie about him (she hated him still having contact with us all, despite him being the only grandad they have ever known). She insisted she hadn't so I suggested this showed again her putting her own needs first before her kids/grand kids which she didn't say much about.

Since this she has expected us all to 'forget' this accusation she made and play happy families again with her and her new partner (whom she met on dating website she originally went on to stalk my step dad! They moved in together within month of meeting!). I have suggested to her I don't want my kids going around their house as I as don't know new partner and how can not know that several years down the line she could make accusations about him (whether true or not!).

She really doesn't seem to get the enormity of what she's said and how I'm finding it hard to move our relationship forward from this as to me it explicitly demonstrates how she considers her own needs first and an inability to consider how things are for other people. I haven't spoken to her for a while whilst I'm getting my head around things still (this is just one of many issues I have but def one of biggest ones!) but am due to meet up with her next week to talk further. How would you move forward??

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farendofafart · 29/07/2014 22:29

I think the examples she gave are very odd - not things that would raise my suspicion so I can understand why you might think she was trying to create a situation out of nothing.

But perhaps she really was just trying to work through all this stuff herself. When you split with someone you do question everything you thought you knew about them. She should have thought this one through more thoroughly before voicing any concern but still, the concern might have been genuine.

It sounds like you don't like your mum much tbh. Are you certain you want to carry on a relationship with her?

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Worryworker · 29/07/2014 22:40

Thanks for reply.
The thing is she gave those example and then said 'I made sure I never left him alone with any of the kids' like she always had suspicions and this was her response because she couldn't possibly not put her own needs first.

I suppose my mums recent behaviour has made me 'dislike' her somewhat and made me consider the sort of person she is. I've just had a realisation of how selfish is was ans still is. When split from my step dad she was constantly as mind or my dsis houses, spending time with the grand kids but soon as met new partner we're forgotten. She makes not effort to see my 2 children.

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farendofafart · 29/07/2014 22:44

You say that she has "forgotten" you since meeting her new partner, yet you are meeting up next week to talk things through. Is this at her or your instigation?

A month long relationship is way too soon for moving in with someone. What do you make of the new man?

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Worryworker · 29/07/2014 23:00

I instigated it- want to talk issues through with her. Have done so before and sent her a letter but feels she's dismissed a lot of what I've said. Trying one more time but not holding my breath.

New bloke seems ok- rather dull and likely to go along with what my mum says which she'll like!

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WhatTheFork · 29/07/2014 23:37

Your mum sounds like my mum. I'm NC which is fab for me but maybe not practical for you.

My mother, like yours will bad mouth anyone she feels threatened by and doesn't have a clue about the enormity of some of the thing she says. For example, she tells people that I am bipolar, and I'm not. I've never had a mental health issue, in the slightest.

If she comes away with something as outrageous as someone she's fallen out of favour with being a paedophile, tell her she must call the police. She won't because she knows she's a manipulative liar.

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WhatTheFork · 29/07/2014 23:39

PS whatever bloke my mother happens to be seeing (average relationship length about 2 months) are GOD. She expects us to feel the same and introduce our young daughters to these strangers.

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Zazzles007 · 30/07/2014 00:38

Hmm, your mother sounds like my mother, who lies to manipulate people's emotions and actions; and lies to make herself sound better while throwing someone else under the bus. I have also gone no contact with her and have found great peace and serenity in doing so.

I realise that this may not be the solution for you, but I would definitely start emotionally detaching from her, as you have found that the things she says are incredulous and do not square up with what you know to be true. Keep topics light and breezy (the weather, current events - "Gosh wasn't that plane crash awful"), visits short ("Must move along, got to get [somewhere, anywhere!]"), and unless she actually makes real efforts at change, I wouldn't bother to confront her with her lies and such. In short, acknowledge that she is your mother, while imagining that she is actually and acquaintance. Don't tell her too much about your life as she will twist and use this in gossip that she tells to others.

Good luck with OP, and I hope things improve for you.

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WhatTheFork · 30/07/2014 00:52

Zazzle when I started thinking the way you do my life became very much calmer. Our mothers sound very similar.

I'm struggling with another issue with her just now (she wants to see my kids, they want to see her, DH wants to facilitate) and it has brought all the grrrrr feelings back.

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Zazzles007 · 30/07/2014 01:36

Ahh, WhatTheFork I am willing to bet that our mothers are very similar Wink.

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Worryworker · 30/07/2014 09:31

Whatthefork - yes my mum is just like that when she meets a new man. Expects us all to accept she's with him now and lets all be one big happy family. She was with my step dad for approx 10-11 yrs but last 3 were not good! He was the bees knees when they first met as is current bloke.

Zazzles007 - 'lies to manipulate people's emotions and actions; and lies to make herself sound better while throwing someone else under the bus' - Yes yes can really relate to this.

It's like my mum has no awareness of others feelings, how it is for them. She also seems unaware of her ability to completely contradict herself - eg; after disclosing her suspicions about my step dad and how she couldn't bear to be near him, telling me she was going to move back into the house hoping this would result in them getting back together! I realised this was out of desperation when she realised that financially she was screwed on her own. I pointed out her contradictions!

She has also told me that the reason she doesn't come round our house so much is because of my DH whom she feels ignores and dismisses her. This is true but only a recent behaviour on his part due to him seeing how upset I have been with my mums behaviour and complete lack of thought. DH can see how she picks me and drops me when it suits her, how she doesn't make an effort with our kids. So again, its like to is blaming others rather than take any responsibility for herself. I find thid hard to deal with.

Think you're right - minimal contact on a superficial level. I have found myself feeling better mentally since I haven't had to see her and be sucked into her negativity about EVERYTHING! Used to feel I had to tell her what I was up to (eg; recent graduation etc) and perhaps I've always sought her approval but am gradually realising this is pointless as she is only really interested in herself.

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Worryworker · 08/08/2014 19:21

Well, me and my dsis met up with our mum today after several weeks of NC. I confronted her about accusation she made about step dad being a paedophile plus other stuff and highlighted her inability to think of others feelings. Everything I put to her was responded to by trying to place the blame or responsibility onto others. Nothing was ever because of her. Not once did she seem upset or apologise for anything. It was all about turning it round onto others. I don't know why I expected it to be any different. I highlighted her complete inability to consider others feelings and gave examples of times she has always put her needs first but it seemed to fall on deaf ears!

I can't really do much more can I? I feel so hurt at her lack of awareness as to how much this is upsetting me and dsis. I suppose I just have to accept this is how she is, she won't change now. She doesn't seem too bothered at her lack of bond/relationship with my 2 dc's (her grandchildren) and thinks asking if she can take my dd out shopping for the day is all she needs to do. Doesn't think about asking my ds though or wanting to find out what he's into etc.

I'm tired of it all and feel I just need to keep things on a superficial level with her which I don't think she'll care about- doubt she'll make any effort to improve our relationship.

Sorry- needed a rant!

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guitarosauras · 08/08/2014 19:26

sounds like my mother too!

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Worryworker · 08/08/2014 20:48

Guitarosauras- are you NC with your mum now? Of not how do you handle her without it affecting your own wellbeing?!

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guitarosauras · 08/08/2014 20:49

I'm being rubbish but what is NC?

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Worryworker · 08/08/2014 21:01

No contact

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guitarosauras · 08/08/2014 21:09

Ahhh! Sorry!

Mostly no. She sends bitchy or sarcastic comments via facebook which I ignore.

I try to be polite rather than rude but mostly end up ignoring as theirs no nice come backs.

I have to see her at a family thing next week which I'm dreading, she spent the last one rolling her eyes each time I spoke which left people asking what was wrong and pointing out that she was rude. It does effect my wellbeing because I want a mum that I can have a relationship with. My partners mum is terminally ill and theirs nothing like the thought of losing someone to make you want to make amends but I know it would be thrown back in my face.

I put up with it for years and she doesn't like that I grew some balls and stopped putting up with it.

She thinks that I don't know that she sees my dc at their dads (I've never said that she can't see them or to my knowledge made her unwelcome here) but I'm fine with that, I want them to see their nan. I do resent the sneakiness though.

Sadly she had a non relationship with her mum and her GM.

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Worryworker · 08/08/2014 21:29

That sounds horrible guitarosauras. Sorry about your partners mum, that's sad.

Like you, I feel I have finally grew some balls and not putting up with it anymore. Think I was in denial for a long time, making excuses for her and I suppose refusing to believe she was that bad.

I know what you mean though- wanting a normal mum-daughter relationship with her but realising, more so after today, that she really isn't that bothered about me. She has her new bloke who's got a big house and money and is taking her to Australia for Xmas so she's happy!

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guitarosauras · 08/08/2014 21:31

Forgot to say, mine does the new man lots! We try to welcome them but often ends up with the police removing them.

I think tbh that my mum doesn't know how to have a relationship.

What do you think you'll do?

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Worryworker · 08/08/2014 21:41

After seeing her today I feel less of a need to try and have a relationship with her. She hasn't made any effort to make amends. I used to have this concern about upsetting her but realise she doesn't care about upsetting me!

I'm off on holiday on Monday and said maybe we could meet up with dc's when I get back but then wondered why I said that. She hasn't made an effort to see them before, they haven't asked about her so what would be the point?

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guitarosauras · 10/08/2014 18:06

So when you get back leave the ball in her court!

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guitarosauras · 10/08/2014 18:07

It's hard but I for one feel much better about myself when I don't have this cloud of negativity around me!

Have a nice holiday!

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