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Help me please :(

(17 Posts)
thoughtsbecomethings Tue 29-Jul-14 16:22:20

Woken up this morning to a letter posted to me telling my husband is a cheat and lies to me there was also pictures he has sent to this woman of his erect penis and him naked. He tells me nothing has really happened and now she is stalking him, they are work colleagues. I am a mess please help me make sense of thishmm

IIWY, I'd be sitting him down this evening and saying you want a full and complete account of everything that has happened with this woman and he'd better not miss anything out or 'forget' any details, because this is the only chance he'll get to tell you. Ask to see his phone and email accounts while he's there and don't warn him you'll be doing that (so he can't delete it beforehand).

Then get in touch with the woman and arrange to meet her. Don't tell him you're intending to do that tho. See what she says and make up your mind what you think the true story is. If she's being vindictive, then you'll see her for what she is. But at least you'll get both sides of the story and can then decide on your next move.

Be aware that if he's been sleeping with her, he'll be minimising it anyway, so you'll only get that part from her.

I'm so sorry you're going thru this. thanks

thoughtsbecomethings Tue 29-Jul-14 16:35:44

Thank you x I am trying to be strong but feel my whole life has just exploded. I have asked to see his phone etc but he's refused. I just want things to go back to how they were hmm

I'm sorry he's being an arse and I do know how you feel. Things won't go back to how they were now, but he can choose to be honest or dishonest about what's happened.

I'd be telling him to leave if he doesn't want to tell the truth and be completely open about what has been going on - and something has definitely been going on - she won't have written for no reason.

He needs to know that, depending on what's happened, this could be the end of your relationship. If he's not prepared to discuss it properly with you, then that tells you everything you need to know.

I'm being very matter-of-fact here, but I know it's shitty and awful and you must be dumbstruck right now. Hugs.

thoughtsbecomethings Tue 29-Jul-14 16:52:48

Your being honest and that's what I need to hear right now x x

Keep posting and stay strong OP. Do you have anyone in RL you can talk to about it?

thoughtsbecomethings Tue 29-Jul-14 18:32:41

Your so kind x. I have my Dm to talk to but difficult. I am a child who went through this kind of things with my parents my greatest wish was that it wouldn't happen to my Dc hmm

JustSquirted Tue 29-Jul-14 18:36:05

He refused to let you see his phone?
Well, that speaks volumes.

thoughtsbecomethings Tue 29-Jul-14 18:42:26

Your so kind x. I have my Dm to talk to but difficult. I am a child who went through this kind of things with my parents my greatest wish was that it wouldn't happen to my Dc hmm

Probably the best message your DC can learn from this is that a partner deserves to be treated with respect and honesty and that anything else is unacceptable. Unless your H behaves responsibly now, his relationship with his DC is at risk and his marriage could be over. I wonder if that's sunk in yet.

comebackstrong Tue 29-Jul-14 19:37:03

I know exactly how you feel.

I had something similar happen to me. I received a letter and at the time I was convinced it was the woman my husband was having an affair with that sent it outlining an affair, however as time went on I found out that it was somebody else at his work that had done it to be vindictive (he was a big boss and usually squeaky clean and the OW was much younger than him, so i think it was jealousy) Before I found out who sent it the OW told me to my face that she hadn't done it - she had no reason to lie by this point as my husband did end up with her. Either way he was having an affair with her so it really didn't matter in the end who sent it. It was good to have it out with her though.

On the positive side I now see it as a blessing as I have gone on to form a new relationship with someone I have lots more in common with and who genuinely makes me happy and even though I had to drag my kids through it all, they really are much happier too.

The fact that you have pictures of his dick (I assume you definitely know its his!?) then it can only be her. Maybe she thinks this will make him leave you and be with her?? Its twisted logic and I can't believe anyone would seriously think like that but who knows what goes on in peoples heads and who knows what he's been telling her. Its a typical man thing to palm her off as a 'stalker' but how do you know he didn't tell her everything she wanted to hear in order to bed her? He probably didn't think she would go this far.

I'd tell him to leave and go somewhere for at least a week so you can get your head around it all and think about your options. Be strong and do not let him get in your head and make you think that you are the mad one in the end.

thoughtsbecomethings Tue 29-Jul-14 21:13:53

Thank you all for ur words of wisdom my head is foggy and all over the place at the moment and can't seem to think of anything else. My focus is the kids. Thank you x

Pinkballoon Tue 29-Jul-14 21:14:05

Hi thoughtsbecomethings

This might not be what you want to hear but… I have an on old school friend (married with kids) who had this happen to him and his wife. The wife was sent photos of her husband and his OW having sex sad sad Apparently, the wife was sitting waiting for him when he got home from work, with the photos on the table. It was their daughter's birthday party night. sad He'd been having an affair with a much younger woman who he had made various promises to leave his wife for. When the younger woman finally realised that he wouldn't, she decided to send the wife the photos… The wife went absolutely berserk at him, and rightly so.

So it may actually be a good sign (?? - if any of this can be classed as good) i.e. this woman hasn't got what she wanted, so thinks she'll mess up what you have together. On the other hand, its a case of do you want him now after all this?

The 'stalking' thing is a classic male get out. Sorry. My cheating ex said that about them all!

I would contact the OW and ask her for her version of events. Stay calm, and don't apportion blame (even if you want to) whilst you're getting all the information out of her - dates, times etc; and then compare them against any texts, emails, diary entries etc you have from those same times - to see if there stories add up i.e. he texted you to say he was working late on so and so night, she says they went out on the same night. Then calmly confront him with the facts.

I'm really sorry this has happened. There are some real shites out there (male and female.) xxx

thoughtsbecomethings Tue 29-Jul-14 21:21:02

I think I will contact the OW as in the letter there are various things stated that my pig husband denies and I want answers. Your idea of remaining calm is something I need to practice before confronting her. Thank you for your honest words of support. Life at times is bloody horrible but I am determined that this isn't going to define who I am !

Pinkballoon Tue 29-Jul-14 21:33:23

I spoke to the OW. I was absolutely furious inside but remained very quiet and let her talk, as she blurted so much out and followed up with forwarding on some cracker texts from him to her etc. (which I've subsequently used in court smile smile Be prepared for the woe is me speech from her though. This one actually thought I should feel sorry for her smile smile - and told me she really deserved her overseas holiday to get over it all….. (and she texted me from her holiday to update me on how she was progressing on her holiday - as I was at home with the newborn baby he'd begged me for.)

He'll probably deny anything that you don't have cold hard evidence of. Anything she says will just be dismissed by him as an obsessive woman out to make trouble…….

I wouldn't ring her as she may get scared and hide behind her answer phone. Politely email her to thank her for her package and say that she may wish to ring you to discuss further. I suspect she can't wait to blurt it all out. If you do decide to go for a divorce, the information that she gives you could really help.

JustSquirted Tue 29-Jul-14 22:29:30

thoughts you might want to ask MNHQ to move your thread to Relationships. You'll get lots of good advice there.
Just report your own original post and ask them.
Hth.

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