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Even the kids now say he is weird(55 Posts)
Rather long but I need to just get it off my chest. I dont blame you if you dont read it all. Its just tonight aftyer what my 13yo said to me about her Dad, I have to write down how it really is for me to see how crap it really is. If anyone wants to reply then thats a bonus.
Together 18 years. Married 12. 2 teens almost 16 and 13.
My husband has never been outgoing in a social aspect. I have for a long time accepted that this is how he is and I can't change him and nor would it be right too but over the years our lives have become very different. I am telling you this so you understand how we lead quite different and seperate lives.
I even go on holiday with friends and the kids without him as he does not wish to go at all. If I didnt do something then we (me and the kids) would just never go. I (and the kids) have a whole circle of friends we holiday with every summer, whom he has never met and does not know, yet me and the kids talk about these friends in general conversation all year - such as did you see on FB X broke their arm? blah blah etc.
He does the odd rare mountain bike outing with the kids and used to do alot more with them but over the past few years he cba. DD1 was always a proper tomboy and he used to do lots of football and mountain biking with her, but that has tailed off maybe partly because of teenage apathy but mainly because of him. Its never a nice enough day weather wise is his excuse.
Tbh - over the past few years he has become more withdrawn from what I would class as normal life. Like I say he has always been very insular but its become weird now.
On the face of it he holds down a good job, quite well paid, he loves his job and is doing well and is well respected by colleagies and bosses. Infact he is really enthusiastic about his job and is always planning things he does not need to but wants to, inorder to ensure his department works better. Its like a hobby to him and he seems genuinely happy. Its not done because he feels pressured. On the rare occassion I have anything to do with his colleagues - he is spoken about in a very complimntary and positive way.
However at home its a different story. He seems to plan his days around meals. Always eating loads - but he is also very fit. Has to be for his job and he does run reguarly (alone). He hates the curtains ever being opened and if I open them, he will moan and then close them the minute I leave the room. He plays endless computer games and when he is not doing that he watches film. However, he falls asleep during the game/film throughout the day/evening/night. He has a duvet he keeps behind the sofa and wraps himself up in it. He snores so loud when he falls asleep, if we are watching TV too we cannot here it very well.
He is just a slob. He wears a dressing gown all weekend - apart from his run or trip to the supermarket for food. He has to have a good supply of good quality food and he does cook some lovely meals but never ever clears up. He does not stick to any kind of routine. Me and the kids may have a laid back breakfast at weekends at say 10am but he will be talking about how hungry for lunch he is at 11 and talking about what we should have for lunch. No sooner is lunch out the way he is planning tea. But these mealtimes are on his suiting - not the families. Its not rare for me to wake up at 2am to the smell of a curry being cooked.
He has nothing to do with anyone except us as family and even that now is very limited because he does nothing and does not properly interact with us as a family anymore there is little common ground. He tries to force us to watch films none of us fancy and its always one after the other or endless Friends/IT crowd/Big Bang repeats (which I like but not anymore - I could recite them by heart). His only other conversation is what is for the next meal or asking us to make him a coffee.
I dont know what he does at night anymore because his routine is so odd. His nights and days (when not working) drift into 1. He may be up cooking in the early hours but asleep all afternoon.
My 13yo asked me tonight why her Dad isnt like other Dads . She said that when she goes to her friends houses their dads are always dressed in the day, chat and know what is going with school stuff etc. She asked me why he never comes on holiday with us (they both have asked in the past and I used to say it was because he was working - which was often true) but the past few years he has had the same 2 weeks off and stayed at home gaming behind closed curtains.
I don't know - none of this is new to me. I have often thought I wish he would interact a bit more. If the kids have friends around he hides in the bedroom - moves the gaming console in there and camps out until they go - even the friends that come and stay from where we used to live 3 hours away - for 3 or 4 days!!! He gets really awkward and is no support if the kids have friends around just opting out and saying to me "well you agreed to them coming over, not my problem"
There is worse - a couple of years ago me and DD2 got up one Sunday morning and DH had spent the whole night downstairs gaming/film watching and we walked into the living room to find the usual sight of his boxer shorts in the middle of the floor with his socks and a million empty/half drank glasses and mugs/dirty plates and dishes etc but there was also a glass of what looked like apple juice. Apple juice is DDs favourite and back then she was only 9 or 10. She immeadiately clocked it and asked if she could get herself a glass and off she went to the kitchen. I knew we didnt have apple juice and just knew straight away what it was in the glass. It was urine. As I picked it up to sniff, DD came in behind me (I didnt know). I gagged and blurted out loud "you disgusting pig, you have peed in a bloody glass because you are too damn lazy to shift your arse to the bathroom". DD saw and heard me . She was so shocked. She looked horrified and kept asking me why Dad has peed in a glass. She talked about it for weeks afterwards.
DH denied and denied but it was urine. 3/4 years on I still struggle to get past this. I cannot be sure but I dont think this was a first and only offence - although since the fuss I caused to him (in private) over this I have not seen it happen again.
I just dont think I can live like this anymore. I have been in denial as to how odd DH is and how dysfunctional our home is especially on weekends.
Both DC are having friends (from a long way away) to stay over the next 2 weeks and I am just dreading it. I used to be able to put a certain facade on the front of things so we looked like a normalish family but I just dont think I can cover it up anymore and with the kids all being older they must be more aware too. I feel embarrassed and ashamed.
There is other stuff I should probably add too but I have already written far too much.
I have sat here tonight and cried to myself. I am certain my marriage is dead. There is no intimacy and tbh he does not appeal to me anymore (surprisingly). I think tonight I have realised I have to end my marriage but I am shit scared and dont even know where to start and what about the kids. DD1 is about to start yr 11 and do her GCSEs. They both adore their Dad despite all this. I am frightened I will screw my kids up if I leave and worse still they are already screwed up because I have allowed this life to develop to this extent. I feel trapped. If I stay it will screw them up and so will leaving.
So sad and confused.
What job does he do, is it something high pressure/ stressful? Not that that excuses any of his lack of interest/ engagement really, I couldn't live with him.
I didn't want to read and run OP, although I don't know what to say that will help, other than, it's hard breaking up a family whenever you do it, there is always a reason why you feel duty bound, as a parent, to stay.
I'm sure more experienced posters will be along soon but I just wanted you to know that I read your post and I'm thinking of you at what must be a tough time.
Gosh you poor thing. I did read it all! I hate to be saying this and will probably be flamed for doing so but have you considered aspergers? His behaviour is just like my ex who DOES have aspergers before I am flamed too harshly
Hi lovey didn't want to write and run, please google the national autism website and look up symptoms I know people feel it's banded around a lot on here but he seems to be hitting a lot of the markers for high functioning autism or Aspergers
He is in a very sepcific trade in the armed services. His job is pressured to a point but not excessivly - when he is at home. Tbh - he rarely goes away anymore.
I have never considered aspergers. Tbh, I am rather ignorant but I will have a google although I doubt much will change my feelings and there is no way he would ever take himself anywhere to get assessed/diagnosed (sorry if that is not the right terminology, I really dont mean to offend anyone) so even if it was that we would never know.
I thought the same as frog
Before anybody starts to armchair diagnose I don't think this is as simple as that.
He needs properly assessing to find out which way his brain is wired.
Practically OP it's time to take steps to separate.. do the practical now and look for a bit of happy for yourself and your kids.
I can't imagine how you have put up with this forso long. Your dx will be very well aware how different your family life is like compared to others. I believe you will allow your children to be more damaged by staying within this marriage. Your Dc's will probably thrive within a. Normal household (just you and dc) rather than with their father's very peculiar way of life.
Find the courage to release yourself from this.
It's okay az. Note I say ex in my case. I couldn't put up with his traits any longer
But at least I know I couldn't have done anything about them. Sad all round really. Its worth checking out. I found peace if that makes any sense.
Your not offending anyone op honest, the thing is with autism he will literally not be able to change, lack of empathy , won't be able to read social que's or facial expressions , so if he has said something you feel is not acceptable he would never know unless you specifally said so, and even then he wouldn't care.
Obsessive about his job would be where he can absorb himself in to the details because he's interested in it maybe to the point of obsession and exclusion of anyone or anything else. A lot of what you may find unacceptable is ok to him.
I don't believe in armchair diagnosis either but this scenario is a mirror of mine.
Perhaps counselling, for him and / or for both of you as a couple if you want to save the marriage and / or help him.
I am not an expert but my thoughts are with your family and I hope you can all end up feeling happier soon.
Well my first thought wasn't autism and I live around it.
It's a dangerous game to get into over the Internet as you can only go on what you experience.. Some people have experienced other things on top of.
Poor you. What an awful decision you need to make.
I have limited experience in this type of situation so feel free to ignore me but I feel that DC adapt easier than we think and considering DH plays such a limited role in their lives maybe you should be thinking about what would be best for you.
Yep gamer me too. One ex one son .
which is why I suggest checking it out. Not 'oh your husband is autistic/asd' as I said I don't necessarily agree with armchair diagnosis either. I responded the same way I might on a 'what's this rash' thread.
He sounds like the Japanese hikikomori (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hikikomori) or perhaps just extreme laziness/depression.
Have you ever spoken to him about this? What does he say? Does he want to change? Or is he happy as he is? Does he want to separate/divorce?
I think you leaving and having them have at least one happy, fulfilled parent will be a lot less damaging than teaching them that this lifestyle is ok.
Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are married to a twelve year old boy.
Azza, I read through your entire post and all I could think was "She is describing my father". My father is an extraordinarily withdrawn man, who doesn't want to have relationships with people (not even with members of his own family), doesn't phone/talk to people at all, has no friends (all my parent's friends socialise with them through my mother), is extraordinarily passive as an individual adult, and even keeps very odd hours and eating patterns that you have described. Unless my parents are doing a prescribed activity, he doesn't like to be out of the house, and will clamour to go home after an hour or two. These attributes have gotten worse and worse over time.
I too realised that my father was 'not normal' at a very young age - I think the first time I can recall having that thought is at 13 years old. It is only decades later that I have realised he has Schizoid Personality Disorder. He ticks many, many of the disorders characteristics - that I know of, because how can you 'know' someone if they never talk to you? I am not diagnosing your H, but I do think he needs a diagnosis and treatment. The problem with many mental disorders/illnesses is that the person often has little/no self awareness that there is something wrong, and therefore don't seek help. In my father's case, he would never admit his mental disorder and actively avoids doctors appointments as he fears being diagnosed and told there is something 'wrong' with him. The irony is that his particular disorder is at least somewhat treatable, and he could have had a much more enjoyable and normal life.
The affect on me is that I have a really, really skewed idea of what a man should be. It has taken me some time to come to this conclusion and I am now actively looking for better male role models. I also see my father through new eyes - I realise that if he were someone who was completely unrelated to me, I would consider him "creepy and weird" - this has in fact opened my eyes up to a couple of short term relationships I have had with "creepy weirdos", although I did not recognise this at the time.
I wish you all the best and good luck in your situation, as I know how difficult coming to a reasonable solution is going to be for you.
Have you ever told anyone in rl? Or have you always covered up? Does he know if you do or don't?
I suggest you talk to him and think about life. Maybe he would move out?
Your dc can still adore him, but they'll be off soon and its you living this life and getting into bed with him every night. You seem to live a single life anyway tbh. But without the fun.
He sounds just like my ex.
He's not going to change and you already know that. I'd start thinking about you and the children long term. Go and see a solicitor to ask for some advice. Look on the turn to us website for details of possible benefit entitlements. Speak to cab.
Then at least you'll be in a stronger situation with regards to knowing what might be ahead if and when you split.
Hi op, I immediately after a couple of paragraphs thought he may have an ASD of some sort, does sound like Aspergers type.. The lack of emotion, the anti-social ness but the obsession with something he's interested in ie: gaming & cooking.
Does sound like you & your children might be a lot happier in a home on your own.
Can you maybe ask him for a trial separation outlining why & see if he bucks his ideas up. You can't expect him to change radically into a new person but if he were to meet somewhere in the middle ???
Good luck with whatever you decide
Have you spoke to him about his behaviour and the impact it is having you and your family?
I would suggest he has an addiction. An addiction to computer games . He will play them all day and night, he won't interact with other people because it means he misses out on playing time. He wants the curtains closed to see the screen better. He couldn't leave a game midway to go to the toilet so he weed in an available glass as the game was too important to leave.
Ask him and see what he says. He could get help if he wanted it.
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