Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please be gentle...what do you think? (Bit long sorry)

(108 Posts)
Lula2515 Mon 28-Jul-14 18:19:35

I looked at DPs emails (I know this is wrong, please don't have a go..I know), and he had been private messaging some women from another office at work. He's been on a couple of business trips with them this year where they've been gone for like a week.
Some of the messages had been deleted.
One of the women was saying "oh woman A has been asking intrusive questions" and he replied "haha she should have been a policeman" there was previous messages between them joking that he was her husband and when was she gonna meet the in laws etc. I know he flirts..
Then with the other woman, she was basically saying "so you didn't tell us your gf was pregnant" and he was like "no, she didn't tell me til I got back from second trip either and she was drinking before I left" (I wasn't). And this woman was like, "come on, you must have known when you were on second trip" he denied it again and said I'd just moved in which was a nightmare (I moved in in feb). He also said thank god it was a boy or he'd run a mile.
I confronted him about it and he said on first trip he told them he was just seeing someone and it wasn't serious. And that he didn't tell them about the baby. He said I was being a psycho for thinking that something was going on between either of them and stormed out.
I am 26 weeks pregnant, he knew when I was 4 weeks- same time I found out. He was pleased.
I feel so hurt. I understand that I shouldn't have read his messages, and this isn't the first time I've done it. But he's stormed off and is furious.
I don't know if how I'm feeling is justified or if I should just be sorry.

Walkacrossthesand Mon 28-Jul-14 18:24:59

Be sorry for what? You've caught him out lying about your pregnancy and your importance in his life, all for the sake of some 'cheeky banter'. He knows he's bang to rights and has gone storming off, while he decides what tack to take . This is really hard, I'm sorry - must feel like the bottom's dropped out of your world.

impatienceisavirtue Mon 28-Jul-14 18:25:39

LTB. No question. It is almost certain IMO from those messages that he has been having an affair and lied about you- the usual 'it's over with my gf we aren't sleeping together we just live together/it's complicated' etc. you being pregnant puts paid to that lie as you clearly must have slept together, hence her quizzing him on it.

I am so sorry you're going through this but you are not being unreasonable thanks

LovelyMarchHare Mon 28-Jul-14 18:25:52

What do I think?

That he's a waste of space and you'd be well shot of him. He is clearly flirting with these women as a minimum and I wouldn't be surprised if there is much more to discover. He has lied about you drinking whilst pregnant to justify his own actions. His comment about the sex of the baby is appalling.

You may find he convinces you you've made an error of judgement this time but I am afraid I think he has feckless written all over him.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Mon 28-Jul-14 18:29:33

He's been caught out lying to them about your relationship. He's feeling as guilty as sin and that's why he stomped off. But it doesn't necessarily mean that he's been anything other than disloyal.

Was this pregnancy planned, even though you weren't living together at the time?

Lula2515 Mon 28-Jul-14 18:29:52

I thought it seemed like he'd been cheating from the messages, like you said- we weren't that serious, I didn't know she was pregnant etc.
but even if he hasn't, the things he said about me and the baby are really hurtful and when I said I couldn't believe he wasn't sorry for saying them, he said he wasn't sorry as he hadn't done anything wrong.

Lula2515 Mon 28-Jul-14 18:31:06

Yeah, the pregnancy- I had a miscarriage end of last year then after that we decided to not not try..and be happy when it happened.

Lula2515 Mon 28-Jul-14 18:49:58

Oh god I feel sick, maybe I am just being a psycho?!

impatienceisavirtue Mon 28-Jul-14 18:52:58

Even if it was innocent - which it is pretty obvious it is not - his response and the fact that he isn't even sorry should tell you all you need to know. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.

NatashaBee Mon 28-Jul-14 18:57:07

Don't let him tell you you're the unreasonable one here. He's a knob.

themonsteratemyspacebaragain Mon 28-Jul-14 18:57:29

No you are not being a psycho. He is angry that he got caught out and stormed out, throwing it back on you.
To me its obvious he's cheated as he wouldn't react that way if he was innocent. Plus as someone said above the whole 'oh it's all new, i didn't know etc' is so diarespectful and hurtful whether he is cheating on you or not.
I would tell him to stay out as you don't need that shite in your life at anytime. Let alone when you are pregnant.

I am honestly so angry on your behalf thanks

JohnFarleysRuskin Mon 28-Jul-14 18:58:02

What a lying tricky bastard he is.

Really, I don't know what else to say.

He's pretending he's only staying because it's a boy. He's pretending he only just found out and you only just moved in? Why would he do that?!

piratecat Mon 28-Jul-14 18:58:32

you're not going mad op.

you have to face the facts here, and sharpish before he starts blaming you for looking, and subsequently blaming you for their content!

He sounds very childish, and has more than likely done something with one of them on these trips. At best flirted and behaved like a cheat, denying you with it.

you poor thing.

LuluJakey1 Mon 28-Jul-14 18:59:11

No you are not being unreasonable or a psycho. His behaviour is shameful.

I am 17 weeks pregnant with our first and DH is bursting with pride. We have just to.d people but he has been delighted and on Saturday when we went to a party he was just so proud of me - not sure why, but it was very sweet.

You don't want to feel as if you don't matter and that he doesn't care. That is really shitty of him- whatever his reasons. It would raise red flags like mad with me and I would be questioning his commitment as well as his fidelity and his integrity as a person.

LuluJakey1 Mon 28-Jul-14 19:01:34

In fact, I know I could not get past that. I am really angry for you. It is just horrible. thanks

Lula2515 Mon 28-Jul-14 19:01:47

I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him about it over message, saying how hurtful the things he said were and he just said he didn't know them that well so why should he tell them all the details of his life. I said he knew them well enough to joke and flirt and he responded with "am I not allowed to joke with anyone now?" Then he said he wasn't prepared to talk to me when I was being like this.

I want to be strong but I also feel so vulnerable right now, and can already feel myself backing down.
I want to be prepared and strong for when he gets back.

Lula2515 Mon 28-Jul-14 19:08:19

He's just messaged me asking if I want to go for dinner with his parents! He's not even a tiny bit sorry!

themonsteratemyspacebaragain Mon 28-Jul-14 19:11:48

It's even worse that he is trying to brush off your feelings and ignoring them. How dare he. Please don't back down. Nobody needs to be treat like this.
Course he doesn't want to talk to you whilst you are like this. He will then have to face his actions and you and he can't do it.

ApocalypseNowt Mon 28-Jul-14 19:12:41

Please try not to back down OP - it would set a precedent that you are accepting of that kind of behaviour and that's it ok. However I appreciate how unsteady and vulnerable you must be feeling at the moment.

To be prepared think of a concise sentence that expresses how you feel i.e. What you said to those woman was hurtful and disrespectful. That sort of behaviour is very upsetting for me.

Don't get drawn in to an argument. Simply repeat your statement.

Besides that you need to have a long, hard think about if you want the relationship to continue and if you do, what form that will take. Don't settle for less.

ChangelingToday Mon 28-Jul-14 19:12:44

He is totally playing with your head. It's terrible he is doing this while you're pregnant, poor you sad do you feel it was just flirting or more? The comment about the sex of the baby is terrible.

FabULouse Mon 28-Jul-14 19:13:19

Print off the message - forward it to your own email address and a trusted friend or relative too.

Ditch him, seriously, he's an utter lying wanker.

ApocalypseNowt Mon 28-Jul-14 19:13:53

Definitely don't go for dinner with him and the IL's. He'll see that as this issue being 'closed' and you have moved on.

LuluJakey1 Mon 28-Jul-14 19:13:56

He is not seeing it from your position- either he does not want to, he can't or he just has not understood.

You must feel really vulnerable but you need to think carefully about what you put up with. He is not likely to improve unless he gets what he has done and cares.

Lula2515 Mon 28-Jul-14 19:14:02

lulujakey I'm so pleased for you but also a bit sad, that's exactly how I thought I'd be treated in pregnancy.

ApocalypseNowt Mon 28-Jul-14 19:14:53

Actually op do you have anywhere you could stay for a few days while you sort your head out/decide what you want to do next. A break might be beneficial for you here.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now