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Can you be 'fuck buddies' with your ex...?

(58 Posts)
theendoftheendoftheend Sun 27-Jul-14 21:07:50

Is it possible or is it always heading towards a big fall out?

If you have children together, does it make horrifically selfish?

Is there ever going to be a happy ending for those involved? (children included) and I don't necessarily mean getting back together etc, just anyway of no one getting hurt?

Has anyone ever been in this kind of situation?

Sorry for it reading like a questionnaire!

Fairylea Sun 27-Jul-14 21:10:55

It's always going to end in tears. If you have children together it's very, very messy. Especially when one of you finds someone to have a new relationship with.

I'd always keep an ex at arms length.

It depends why you broke up, amongst other things. If he was abusive, then it's a really bad idea because it's simply an opportunity for him to abuse you further. If it was about something like him being lazy, selfish and irresponsible around the house but a great shag then it might not be such a bad thing - you get the great shag but without the simmering resentment of having to pick up after him all the time.

Also, if one of you is seeing it as friendly comfort-zone sex with someone you are fond of but don't want to be in a committed couple-relationship with, and the others is seeing it as reason to hope you will get back together, then it's going to get really, really messy.

I've had fuckbuddy situations with exes before now, but there were never DC involved. It's only really going to work if you are both fine with the idea of the other having other sexual partners. That's what defines a FB situation - no monogamy.

Loletta Sun 27-Jul-14 21:17:03

No way. Impossible with an ex especially if there's a long history.

todayisnottheday Sun 27-Jul-14 21:18:43

No. Been there, tried that, it did not end well grin

Sorry, on a more serious note, we kept it totally separate from the dc who never knew or even suspected, however it was one sided - even though he swore it wasn't. Very quickly he was "in love" again, clingy and needy. I seriously regretted the whole thing, we'd had a good working relationship since the separation but the fb ruined that, now we barely speak which obviously impacts the dc however much we try not to let it sad

theendoftheendoftheend Sun 27-Jul-14 21:20:07

We do the whole 'family' thing on a sunday very well (I can't really remember how it came about, I think he asked if he could have them at mine and I was happy for that as then I know the environment and whose around, no lodgers etc, and I thought it would be more settling for them) some how its extended to a glass of wine once they've been put to bed, and then... Also when I get home from lates and he's had the children and put them to bed, glass of wine, chat, and then...

I'm not sure how I've got myself into this situation. Maybe the wine...?

theendoftheendoftheend Sun 27-Jul-14 21:25:30

In front of the DC we're just mum and dad, happy doing stuff as a family etc but no displays of affection. And that's the bit I don't want to change! I don't know why we can only get on when we're not together. More space and less pressure I suppose!

SanityClause Sun 27-Jul-14 21:29:37

It sounds fine, but you need to consider what will happen if either of you meets someone else. Tread carefully.

todayisnottheday Sun 27-Jul-14 21:31:02

That doesn't sound like fb to me. I'd say you are in a relationship but live in separate houses (bf/gf style). You're playing with fire and I'd be very surprised if it didn't end in tears tbh.

Loletta Sun 27-Jul-14 21:35:43

Yes it's no FB. You haven't discussed other sexual partners or put rules in place. Sounds like the start of a relationship to me. How long have you not been together officially smile

theendoftheendoftheend Sun 27-Jul-14 21:46:04

This is our second break up and its been 8/9 months. So should both know we can't make it work together!
I agree it can't be FB as there is too much history and to be honest emotional involvement. I can't see how its going to end well really. Unless of course it turns out its what makes us both happy...? Like Tim Burton and Helena Bonhem Carter, not traditional or orthodox but actually happy because you don't have to put up with their crap 24/7 and get to have your own space, so when you do see them you actually enjoy it and appreciate their company!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sun 27-Jul-14 21:57:33

What SGB said ^
XH and I have been separated for 2 years and don't want to be together, but we enjoy each other's company and both like having sex with each other. DS is quite clear that his dad and I are good friends and doesn't seem confused or troubled at all. Neither of us has met anyone we want to see for more than a few dates/shags and it's arguable that t his arrangement stops us from doing so, but I'm ok with that at the moment.

Loletta Sun 27-Jul-14 22:05:13

Were you ok with him before the kids? It sounds quite possible that you two are quite good together but just can't cope with the stress of family life and DCs. It is very hard when you have young children. Perhaps carry on like this, wait and see how it goes but if one of you wants more at some point really invest in some serious couple's therapy from the start.
Good luck!

theendoftheendoftheend Sun 27-Jul-14 22:07:00

I don't know why I'm stressing, I think I just know how it usually goes with us and I don't want to go there again. But on the other hand, we haven't been in this situation before, its working nicely and it seems a shame to stop just because its not the done thing.

Ehric thankyou, I'm glad to hear of someone else in the same situation especially where it hasn't caused any issues. Do you think either of you would have a problem if there other one met someone else?

theendoftheendoftheend Sun 27-Jul-14 22:07:15

*the

theendoftheendoftheend Sun 27-Jul-14 22:10:38

Loletta he always blames the majority of the reasons on why we split up on the stresses of pregnancies and babies! I don't disagree that its stressful but lots of stresses come up in life, and at least babies are positive ones so if you can't support each other and get through that kind of stress that you're pretty much fucked. Its like 'fair weather friends', you could have that with anyone but its not what lasts.

Expectans Sun 27-Jul-14 22:11:09

Watching with interest, as am in the same situation. I tried to stop but after a while it slways happens again.

Loletta Sun 27-Jul-14 22:17:29

You're right OP, couples should weather the storm together and DCs are positive things but in reality it doesn't work like that. Sleep deprivation, lack of attention and time for each other, money issues even, can really wear down a good relationship. I wouldn't write off a relationship just because it's previously failed due to these reasons but I would absolutely try to so something different and work on the issues from the start if I gave it another go

Wrapdress Sun 27-Jul-14 22:21:48

It just seems like it would delay the inevitable, mess with your head and drag the pain out longer than need be. The only people IRL who I have known to do this were only doing it until the man found a new partner. Well that's why it always stopped anyway. And it always came to a big surprise to the woman.

MommySlimFigure Sun 27-Jul-14 22:24:35

eeeoooow no way. I've had nightmares about this deed. When I woke up I realised it was because in my waking life I was about to compromise my integrity in some way (not necessarily anything to do with sex, maybe friendship)

theendoftheendoftheend Sun 27-Jul-14 22:28:50

wrapdress in all honesty I think thats my real fear.

Loletta you could well be right each time we split we had a baby that was 4 months old. There were also money issues which were due to me refusing to return to work. Whilst we disagree as to when I informed him of this I do agree that I absolutely did not discuss it with him.

Expectans why do we do it?? smile

theendoftheendoftheend Sun 27-Jul-14 22:30:47

mommy little harsh, but I don't disagree. I feel like I have compromised my integrity, I just don't want to admit it!

AcrossthePond55 Sun 27-Jul-14 22:43:01

The only trouble I think, would be if it keeps either of you from 'moving on' in your own lives or if you are indiscreet in front of the DCs, giving them the idea that you will be getting back together.

I've only been in that situation once (no DCs) but I soon realized that it was keeping me somewhat emotionally attached to a man that I had already decided there was no future with. It was 'safe' & served a (sexual) purpose, but it was also preventing me from getting 'out there' to find the right man to build a future with. And it was giving him hope where there was none.

newnamesamegame Sun 27-Jul-14 22:46:36

I have done it pre DCs and even then it was potentially troublesome as quite often one or you is more emotionally involved than the other. I had one ex who I ended up having quite a good FB situation with after I had recovered from the heartbreak (with the clear blue water of another serious relationship in the middle). Generally, though, one party is more involved than the other and it rarely ends well.

But I can't see how it would work with DCs. Unless you are both totally over one another and the DCs are kept completely in the dark about it. But still sounds dodgy to me. And the situation you've described doesn't really sound like FB it sounds like the long drawn-out death of a long-term relationship.

If you can't do the family Sundays thing without falling into bed I'd knock it on the head for a bit, to be honest. It sounds like you are prolonging the agony, making it harder for both of you to move on and probably confusing your DCs as well...

areyoumymother Sun 27-Jul-14 22:48:13

ha! no you can't.

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