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Really rubbish sex life. Advice needed.

(47 Posts)
Onaccountofnothing Sun 27-Jul-14 18:44:37

I have been with my DH for thirteen years and in the last six our sex life has become progressively more shit. I have been upfront yet sensitive about this but he ignores me.

We average sex once every three months. The last time involved no foreplay and he just pointed at his cock and said come on then. Because we do it so little I went with it and it was the usual boring experience. If I try and change positions or suggest something new he sort of faffs, panics and the loses his erection.

It is so tedious. It's always me having to get on top, he then loses his erection or nothing happens, I climb off and he wanks himself off furiously with a death grip.

When I have attempted to introduce toys he visibly cringes and does that insecure-I'm so not into this- which is a complete turn off.

He is always wanting cuddles , dozens of times a day,but hasn't kissed me in over a month or made any sexual approaches to me.

He doesn't like giving women oral sex and on the two occasions he has he has gagged. I have NEVER had this response before and I am very clean so it's not a hygiene thing but utterly mortifying. He has suggested doing it since but funny enough I haven't felt comfortable.

I don't really know what I am asking but I am feeling more and more angry towards him as time goes by. I miss having great sex.

livingzuid Sun 27-Jul-14 18:59:09

I had something similar. Tried counselling etc but the problem was never with him, always with me. It was soul destroying and left me with zero self esteem and confidence. I even wondered if he was gay. I left. Best decision I made.

It depends how much you want to have a relationship with him still and whether he is prepared to work at it, and acknowledge his role in making things better. Is he getting himself off on porn in the meantime whilst you are left alone?

Sorry you are going through this. It's really horrible.

farendofafart Sun 27-Jul-14 19:13:51

What does he say when you try to talk to him about it?

PickledLilly Sun 27-Jul-14 19:18:47

Watching with interest. I would be asking some questions about his porn usage or having a look at his computer or phone if you're able.

Crikeyblimey Sun 27-Jul-14 19:20:42

Is there something you think he might like? Is he perhaps more submissive than you?

If you can try to get him to open up about what would arouse him, it might be a start.

Dh and I have had our fair share of drought. He recently broached the subject of him wanting me to be more dominant. It really made a difference. It has opened up communication again and whilst he still likes me to dominate, he's not completely hung up on this and is happy to seduce me too.

Maybe if you mentioned something you'd like him to do would open the door for him to be more open with you about what he feels would arouse him.

Has he always been like this or is it recent?

PickledLilly Sun 27-Jul-14 19:21:22

I mean I'm watching with interest because my situation is similar, not just out of some sort of morbid fascination or nosiness...just to clarify!

LuluJakey1 Sun 27-Jul-14 19:22:33

Sounds to me like he has some sort of performance anxiety if he only wants one things and loses his erection if anything changes.

What was he like in the first 7 years of your relationship? Did something happen to change it or was it just gradual?

If he doesn't like giving you oral sex, what does he like doing to you? If the answer is nothing, I would be really worried.

SilentBob Sun 27-Jul-14 19:25:13

Talk, talk and then talk some more. No conversation equals no happy resolution IME.

I suspect ED but he needs to be able to open up and tell you about it if that is the case.

Onaccountofnothing Sun 27-Jul-14 19:49:31

I have asked him if there is anything he would like and he says there is nothing. With respect to porn we have controls on the internet and he knows I hate the whole misogyny around the porn industry. He might be accessing it elsewhere but I don't check up on his phone.

He has suffered from ED but it is limiting to work around with no toys/oral. He will use his fingers but he is a bit rough and jabby. I have shown him what I like but an ex told him he was good at this and what obviously worked for her doesn't for me.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sun 27-Jul-14 21:04:44

Well I'd say he's gay, asexual or has serious psychosexual issues from childhood or something. I couldn't live like this - can you?

Onaccountofnothing Sun 27-Jul-14 21:52:28

I'm finding it very difficult.

Thank-you everyone who has taken the time to share your thoughts.

MeMyselfAnd1 Sun 27-Jul-14 22:02:17

You know, many years ago, someone told me that the only thing that makes a couple a couple is the sexual attraction. If that is not present, that doesn't mean you don't love each other very much, but that you fell out of love and you have become either good friends only or love each other like a brother and sister.

You can try to build intimacy to see if the attraction returns. This not about toys, positions, or going for dinner. This is about getting to know each other well again, to talk and to listen in the way that got you to fall in love at the beginning. This may work, or it may not, but I would say that if you are still unhappy in a years time, cut your loses and let him go.

Onaccountofnothing Sun 27-Jul-14 22:04:41

In answer to an earlier question he was a late developer (lost his virginity at 26) and has only had two sexual partners before me.

He did have a porn habit before we got together but said it was only during his single years.

When we first met he was very willing although not adventurous and I just thought with time and increasing confidence this would change.

It wasn't sex that brought us together (well not on my part anyway) but it has always been important to be.

When we discuss it he either becomes incredibly defensive and talks about not being good enough/a failure and starts being acid or he cries.

It is the only area where we have problem.

Quax Sun 27-Jul-14 22:22:49

I recognise some of this in my own relationship with DP. We've been together about 15 years and I was his first partner. I'd had lots of partners before we met. We were 21 and 24 at the time.

Our sex life is OK but I have to do most of the work. He is always up for it but never initiates sex. When we do have it (about once a week) it's very tame and routine. He ejaculates very quickly and will not do anything about it so I've given up expecting to enjoy the PiV aspect. It is all over too quickly!

If it wasn't for him being very willing and good at oral we would have no kind of sex life at all.

Sorry, I actually don't have any advice, just wanted to commiserate a bit. I think it may have something to do with performance anxiety due to being late to lose virginity.

LuluJakey1 Sun 27-Jul-14 23:10:20

I once had a relationship with someone who was very sexual and keen but just could not cum inside me. He could last ages which sounds great but was wearing after a time. He had been in a very long term relationship which had ended a year before we met- not by his choice. She had stopped wanting any intimacy and eventually had said she wanted to be by herself.

Ultimately, I realised- after 9 months- that actually the problem was he was not ever going to make a commitment and, to him, somehow, ejaculating inside of me was symbolic of that. He could ejaculate on me, with oral, a hand job or him masturbating. I just got sick of it in the end. The sexual problem was indicative of something much bigger that we could not resolve.

We got on really well, he was very loving and supportive but it was like an elephant in the room and we could. not get past it. Could I have lived with it longer term? No, I felt like there was something wrong with me that he couldn't do that. Could he? Yes but it would have, and did, make him unhappy and feel inadequate.

I don't think your DH really wants to change from what you say. He likes his life with you and feels safe with you but he has a sexual pattern he has probably had all his adult life that is his default setting and he will always go back to it.

MeMyselfAnd1 Sun 27-Jul-14 23:16:10

Frankly, it boils down to what you are happy with. There is not much point in psychoanalysing him, as he is not willing to reach out for help or change the way he does things.

If he is happy to leave things as they are, fine. He can continue doing so, but that doesn't mean you need to put up with it.

kaykayblue Mon 28-Jul-14 04:38:25

He sounds like a lazy, selfish man child.

He doesn't care that you're unsatisfied. He isn't willing to give you oral (but presumably expects it from you?), he doesn't give a shit about your preferences, because if an ex liked what he did, then she must be right and you wrong (the fuck?), he isn't willing to try new positions...he initiated sex in the most disrespectful way possible...

I think you need to stop playing my nice guy and tell him that he is being a a selfish cunt. Either he accepts that there is a problem and he is willing to work on it, or you have some serious thinking to do.

His entire attitude to this screams "immature entitled fucktard""

livingzuid Mon 28-Jul-14 11:07:21

The thing is though, it isn't really about the sex. It's a symptom of a much deeper issue. It's actually very selfish behaviour and being a late developer or all the rest of that is just rubbish excuses at the end of the day. Plenty of men don't get to sex until their 20s and it does not cause an issue. Also ED does not mean ignoring your needs. Sex is not all about him and his penis. I'd be curious to know how he is in other aspects of your relationship - similar types of ungenerous, self-centred actions?

He's not making any effort to change by the sounds of things and ultimately it has to come from him. There is help available for him but he's not prepared to work at it which is shit. You can sit around and be sympathetic and understanding forever but where is the incentive to change from his side if that carries on? I understand it's a difficult subject to discuss, but you are perfectly entitled to say that things in the relationship are bad as a direct result of his laziness in the bedroom. I'm a bit ranty here, sorry, but far too many women seem to tolerate crap sex in their relationships and it is not on. I know I did because I thought I couldn't get any better and the problems were all mine - also I didn't want to hurt his feelings by damaging his male ego about how rubbish he was in bed which looking back now was bollocks on my part and pandering to the problem. You have as much right to expect good sex in your relationship and to speak out about it.

I read your comment about the ex gf (leaving out detail smile) to DH. His response was either your partner is in a different universe or he is completely oblivious or indifferent to how that sort of comment would make you feel. I thought it was such an insensitive and disrepectful thing of your H to say. As if you are going to have the same needs as another woman!

Either he gets the assistance he needs to improve, or I'd advise you get some independent thoughts eg counselling about where you would like to go. Life is too short to spend with someone who is not going to put you first.

wrapsuperstar Mon 28-Jul-14 11:12:47

He sounds awful and the posters who have pointed out that this is a problem that extends beyond the bedroom are absolutely correct. His behaviour in bed is indicitave of his selfishness and lack of respect for you in this relationship.

I would absolutely, positively bet the house on him still being a heavy porn user too.

Jan45 Mon 28-Jul-14 11:22:11

Not good enough, he needs to make an effort, he does sound selfish, lazy and disinterested. You have to tell him you don't want to be in a sexless relationship so he either makes an effort or you are moving on, simple as that.

No wonder you resent him, he must make you feel so unwanted, that's not normal.

SweetErmengarde Mon 28-Jul-14 11:22:47

From what you said, (late developer, few partners, porn use, taking "death grip" in order to climax), it sounds like he has worn a groove in his mental wiring and has become so desensitised that he cannot climax/maintain erection with a real woman....any woman. This is no reflection on you.

As a result of decades of using the very intense stimuli of porn combined with said "death grip", without realising it, he has trained himself to only be able to getoff this way.

This is by no means uncommon; I have read about it in, I believe Dan Savage's advice column. According to current wisdom, your DH would have to undo this programming and retrain his responses; I've seen psychosexual therapy recommended in these cases.

The main thing is, he has to really want to change.

Squidstirfry Mon 28-Jul-14 11:28:41

The 'death grip' indicates sustained and frequent porn use.

Is he disprespectful towards you in other ways?

rootypig Mon 28-Jul-14 11:34:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rootypig Mon 28-Jul-14 11:35:57

Ignore my last post, am going to ask for it to be deleted - on reflection it's not good advice.

BlessedAssurance Mon 28-Jul-14 11:39:53

What is a dearh grip?

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