7 months in ... Am I being an idiot / a filler girl / or over the top

[Crapatdating]

I've no kids so mums net isn't really where I should be but please could I have some outside perspective?!

I've been dating a man I met online for just over 7 months now. He's Turkish and I'm yet to meet his family and they do not know of me. He met my parents the other week, but This is his first serious relationship so I haven't pushed any of the parent meeting stuff as he's kind of explained his mum would like him to find himself a nice turkish girl to marry, but obviously at 26 years of age I don't really want to be stuck in limbo unaware of future prospects; not in an oh no my clock is ticking will you be my knight in tin foil way... but I don't want to be wasting my time either.

Ive stayed at his this week as he has injured himself and is in need of surgery. I've left with him every morning for work bit like a normal couple. Last night and we discussed what we would do today... I was going to take him food shopping etc because he couldn't drive and then we would go out for dinner tonight. This morning at half 7 after receiving a text message from a family member he asked me to leave before 9am because they were coming to visit. I was upset about this and quite visibly so. I told him I was and he told me not to be and "I'll see you later" to which I said I wouldn't be making the 40 minute journey back again after returning home.


When I left his place he messaged me "sorry just not ready to do the family stuff" and I gave him a call and (I'm feeling a bit like some needy over the top freak now) said "The thing is i don't think you'll ever be ready to do family stuff" to which he replied maybe, I'll talk to you when you get home.

I'm now home, feeling slightly erratic and foolish. It felt like I was doing some sort of walk of shame out of his place like I was a one nighter and the possibility that I'm a filler girl until he finds a nice turkish girl is filling my thoughts now.

Opinions please?

[Ships99]

From what you've said, it sounds like you are more invested in this relationship than he is. When he said "maybe" in answer to your question, that spoke volumes, I think.
Why don't you sit down and ask him where he feels this is going. You might not get the answer you want... But it would be unfair for him to continue this if he knows you want more and he isn't prepared to feel the same.
I wish you luck x

[Crapatdating]

Thank you for the reply ships :)

When I told him I was upset and he said there was no need to be "I didn't know they'd be coming" it was almost as if he completely misses the point of why I was upset.

Being turfed out like a sordid secret and then expected to return later is more than just feeling upset because your fella isn't ready for you to meet the family, but completely undervalued and taken the piss out of.

The "maybe" triggered the alarm bells for me too and I immediately thought, so this is it then and it probably is.

I'm usually very good when it comes to judgement of people, but ratings a different kettle of fish. I think even when you can see the writing on the wall it's hard to tell when you're emotionally involved and don't want to just quit on it.

He calls me before he sleeps, we message a lot through the day. Go out for dinner several times a week etc. He took me away for my birthday. So many things he does on a daily basis show emotion and then this contradicts it completely.

[magoria]

Any relationship which makes you feel ashamed is crappy.

You are good enough to run after him and shag him but not good enough to meet the family. Which implies you are good enough for a girl friend but not wife/mother material.

Only you can decide if not being good enough for him to introduce is good enough for you.

I don't think it is or you wouldn't be posting.

[Crapatdating]

"You are good enough to run after him and shag him but not good enough to meet the family. Which implies you are good enough for a girl friend but not wife/mother material."

I think this is probably hitting the nail on the head and it's a very sad revelation. It's also a situation I'd be ashamed to tell my mother about... as soon as you're ashamed to say to your mum "oh that boyfriend I had chucked me out at 8am because cousin was visiting" you know you need to find some self respect.

I did give him a call when I got home and it just rang until it went to voicemail. Now it's up to him to make contact, either way I need cheering up so shopping and coffee it is x

[Lweji]

I think he has already given you his answer.

And that you are wasting your time, yes.

[Deluge]

Difficult situation. There are obviously huge cultural expectations on him. He is being irresponsible by dating you when he is clearly not ready/willing to address the implications of those expectations on you/your relationship.

If I were you, as hard as it may be, I'd leave him be. If he makes contact, explain to him as calmly and straightforwardly as you can that you are not willing to be a 'secret' and that if he cannot have an open, healthy relationship with a non- Turkish woman, then the relationship is over. Put your boundaries up nice and clearly now.

[SlicedAndDiced]

Sorry op.

You are his current thing to use for sex/ comfort/ looking after him.

He has no interest in telling his family about you. My bet is he never will.

[Spinaroo]

I agree- if you can't meet his family after seven months, then Alarm bells are ringing. Also agree about the 'maybe'.

[callamia]

There is another perspective. It might be a really big deal that you aren't Turkish. I have a Bangladeshi friend who hasn't introduced his white British girlfriend to his mother, and never will - it would just cause too much upset. She's not a secret from his friends or some if his family, and it's not terrible, it's just the way it is. It seems awful and secretive perhaps, but it's more complicated than that. Their relationship is sound and loving, it's just not conventional.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Of course you're filler. You're shagging practice until he finds the nice Turkish girl his family want. For all you know, there may be one earmarked already and that's why he doesn't want Mum to know about you... Give this one the heave-ho. No-one should be embarrassed to introduce you to anyone.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

BTW.... don't make the same mistake as my cousin. Her Turkish boyfriend didn't introduce her to his family but had no problems moving himself into her mother's house and getting her pregnant. She's never seen him since!

[HumblePieMonster]

Sack him.
He's using you. OK for sex, not good enough for family.
'The daughters of the unbelievers are permitted to you.' is the phrase sometimes used. Filler girl, you say.

[AppleAndMelon]

He's using you until wifey comes along - just leave.

[Pinkfrocks]

Is he married or is the family member a long term girlfriend from Turkey?
How much do you know about him and why he is in the UK- ie has he lived here for years or come here recently?

Is he tied to him mother's apron strings?

In other words does he want a nice Turkish girl- or does his family?

Either way he sounds weak or a liar.

Move on.

[Onesleeptillwembley]

Even though he's not married yet, you will only ever be a bit on the side., sounds harsh, but true.
Cut your losses.

[Blueuggboots]

massive cultural differences here - is he a muslim too?
It will be a BIG deal to his family that you are not turkish (and not a muslim maybe - if he is)
just as a side line - turkish wives are expected to look after the WHOLE family once they are married. So you would be taking on the WHOLE family, not just him and any children you might have. You will come down at the bottom of importance in the WHOLE family. I have a friend who did this and MASSIVELY regretted it.

[Crapatdating]

Well he just phoned me...

He kept saying it's a difficult situation because his family are very traditional but he wouldn't give me a definite answer as to whether I was "wasting" my time. He just kept saying "I don't know, it's a difficult situation for me, I don't know what to say". I explained I don't want to feel like this, like I'm having the piss taken out of me and he said "well it only happened once and that was this morning".

I said "It feels like I'm okay to be your girlfriend, have sex and do all that stuff but thats it" and he just reiterated the "I have feelings for you, it's more than that but it's a difficult situation". As well as "I don't want to have wasted the last 7-8 months either".

It wouldn't be so bad if he could say having a traditional family is an issue but that I wasn't just wasting my time... I'm just still expected to go along with being his girlfriend with no idea as to whether I'm going to be tossed to the side in the future because I'm from the wrong culture.

I do love the man, but I love me more and It feels very much like I'm going to be strung along.

[Crapatdating]

And no, he is not a muslim and nor are his family

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He's not going to doing anything about this and he's going to keep making his pathetic 'difficult situation' excuses. He either wants to acknowledge you or he doesn't and right now he doesn't. Don't go along with it or you'll end up regretting wasting so much of your time.

Plenty more fish in the sea

[Crapatdating]

Pinkfrocks -

He's lived here since he was 3, he works in the uk in quite a good job and has lived with his parents the whole time apart from university. He was going to move into his own place this year but his parents have been getting him to fund improvements on their family home.

He is very family orientated and takes his mum shopping etc but apart from that he's at work, in the gym or with me.

We've had a few conversations about his mother and her views before about how she's always talking about this or that ones nice turkish girl but to him it's a joke and seemingly something he has no interest in.

It realising whether I'm his bit on the side or girlfriend he's hugely invested in his family, financing them and going along with their "culture"

[pictish]

OP - all I read into what he said during that call is "I do know what to say, but I don't want to say it. You're right...I was never going to progress this. You are just a girlfriend."

Sorry. I think having to creep out like that was awful. I don't blame you for reassessing.

[GlaikitFizzog]

He still lives with his parents? Are they away this week? So he invited you to come be his skivvy stay while they were away? Is this the first time you have been to the house he lives in? Is it obviously a family home with older children staying?

Sounds fishy to me.

[Crapatdating]

Glaikit -

Yes, he lives with them, they are back in turkey until the end of October. It is the first time I've been to his house but I've only been staying because he injured himself in the gym to the point he's lost the use of an arm and needs surgery.

Living with your parents at mine/his age isn't fishy to me in all honesty as affording to live out of the family home in London at 26 isn't likely for many unless you want to rent a cupboard room in a house you share with complete strangers. The being chucked out at 8am etc is the fishy bit for me

[Pinkfrocks]

I don't get the living with his parents but they were away.
Or do you mean he rents and still funds the home improvements for his parents?