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DH suggested I put this to you lot. What do you think?

(423 Posts)
AntideluvianCat Fri 25-Jul-14 11:43:35

I'm going to try to keep this as neutral as possible, as it seems DH and I both completely believe we're in the right, despite our opposing views. Also going to try not to drip feed.

We've been together two years, married just over a year. We both have DDs from previous relationships. Mine (12) lives with us and goes to see her dad overnight at the weekend; his (13) stays two nights a week. My DD has some SEN, and coupled with the hormonal chaos of being 12, can be quite hard work. I also work 25 hours a week in a job that I love, but that can also be stressful and a bit overwhelming (social work).

A couple of months ago, DH told me that if I won't dress up for sex - ie. stockings, suspenders, thong, basque, whatever - he can't see any point in our relationship continuing. I was absolutely flabberghasted. It was like being kicked in the head. He did apologise, and we patched things up a bit, but he keeps coming back to the same thing every time we have words. He says that it would make him feel wanted and appreciated, that he is constantly giving to me, and that I give nothing back.

Thing is, I DO want and appreciate him. I love him. I'm so glad we found each other, at this relatively late stage in life (I'm 40, he's 50). But I find the weekdays hard, when DD is playing up and I'm exhausted from work and the constant bloody grind of housework and organising everything. As consequence, sex tends to happen at the weekends. I'd say we probably have sex a couple of times at the weekend, and sometimes, but not always, once during the week.

The funny thing is, that at the weekends when I'm relaxed and can focus on us rather than everybody else, I do dress up for him, and am happy to do so. I really enjoy it, and love the effect it has on him. This morning, during yet another argument about this, I reminded him of this, but he said it doesn't count because I'm only doing it under duress. I'm not doing it under duress, but it seems I can't win. He is insistant that I should - on say, a Tuesday evening, when I've been at work, then come home and have been running around doing domestic chores and coping with / helping / monitoring / disciplining DD til 9.30pm, I should pop on some saucy underwear and adopt the sex kitten persona. But I don't want anyone to make anymore demands on mme. It's all I can do to crawl into bed and read for half an hour.

In the interests of balance, I should add that DH has more money than me and props me up a bit financially, which I'm incredibly grateful for and regularly tell him so. He does most of the washing up, hoovers the house once a week, cleans the bathrooms, does any gardening, and helps me with DD a lot. I have quite high standards domestically (but not ridiculous - I only clean once a week and change beds every 7 - 10 days), and am very tidy. Being tidy helps me feel on top of things, and I make no apology for it. DH says that he likes my standards, but doesn't really help to maintain them. I feel that I tidy up after him a lot.

An example: He eats a lot of biscuits. I have asked him to use a plate for these, as otherwise I have to clear up his crumbs. He refuses; thinks I'm being ridiculous. I got a telling off a couple of weeks ago for asking his DD to eat off a plate too. I've tried to explain to him that this little thing could actually help with the sex thing - I wouldn't feel so resentful having to clear up after him all the time. But it is just dismissed. He actually said to me this morning (and I quote) " we should have high standards domestically, and high standards in the bedroom" shock

Your goign to tell me to LTB aren't you? sad

KittiesInsane Fri 25-Jul-14 12:04:51

'he said it doesn't count because I'm only doing it under duress. He is insistent that I should, on say, a Tuesday evening...'

And he can't spot the problem with this logic? It's never occurred to him that you are under duress because, ermm, he is putting you under duress?

Divorce him for being an illogical twit.

Chopchopbusybusy Fri 25-Jul-14 12:04:53

He asked you to post this so hopefully he is going to read the answers.
If you want to dress up, fine. Him earning more than you do certainly doesn't give him the right to demand it.
I do agree with him that I don't see a future in your relationship but only because he's an arse.

KittiesInsane Fri 25-Jul-14 12:05:52

Dear Cat'sDH,

Tidy up. Be grateful. Behave.

grumpasaur Fri 25-Jul-14 12:06:17

Exactly!! My dh also likes it when I dress up in certain fantasy outfits. I have done it a handful of times (over a three year period), and although he loves it when I do, he would NEVER harass me to when I don't!

He would also NEVER tell me that my high standards in the house should be reflected in the bedroom, because he knows if he did, he would be dependent on his hand for all bedroom antics to come (and without a wife!!!).

However he isn't a selfish and misogynistic arse, so that thought has probably never even crossed his mind!

gargalesis Fri 25-Jul-14 12:06:24

This man has no respect for you.

gamerchick Fri 25-Jul-14 12:06:51

I'm curious to why he wanted you to post on here.. what kind of answers was he expecting? hmm

MissBeans Fri 25-Jul-14 12:07:12

Your H is a giant arse. That is all.

HolgerDanske Fri 25-Jul-14 12:08:56

I'm sorry, I think you know what I'm going to say.

And yes, you should sad

whatdoesittake48 Fri 25-Jul-14 12:09:06

I agree on the porn thing - what kind of man can only find his partner sexy if they are wearing sexy undies?

BeCool Fri 25-Jul-14 12:09:16

He says that it would make him feel wanted and appreciated, that he is constantly giving to me, and that I give nothing back.

Well as long as HE is feeling wanted and appreciated that's OK!! Are YOU feeling wanted and appreciated OP? Doesn't sound like it, but that isn't important to him. As long as HE's OK, your wants and needs are secondary. shock

And you are ment to be grateful to your H for earning more money than you. Sounds like he thinks you owe him sex for his financial input to your lives. Nice.

He sounds like a rubbish H and it must be very demoralising to live with someone who feels like this about you.

Bruins Fri 25-Jul-14 12:10:02

Come on Antis H. Come out of hiding and talk to us.

Baddderz Fri 25-Jul-14 12:11:14

LTB.
What a twat.

gamerchick Fri 25-Jul-14 12:11:27

Yeah like some sort of prostitute.. He pays a chunk of money and therefore he's owed or something?

HumblePieMonster Fri 25-Jul-14 12:11:43

A couple of months ago, DH told me that if I won't dress up for sex - ie. stockings, suspenders, thong, basque, whatever - he can't see any point in our relationship continuing

He can say that to a prostitute but he can't say it to his wife. I know he did say it but he shouldn't. The husband/wife relationship isn't like paid-for sex, it isn't all his way.

He sounds unpleasant. He also sounds as if he's getting support for his sense of sexual 'entitlement' from somewhere - imagination? porn? use of prostitutes? I don't like the sound of him at all and I'd want rid.

If you want to stay with him and he wants dressing up dates, he needs to make sure your daily and weekly routines leave you enough time and money to do the self-care things that boost your confidence and make you want to dress up. He needs to arrange childcare and take you away, not for rushed weekends, but for a week at a time and not expect the fun to start until you've had three days proper rest, during which time he waits upon you and treats you like a princess and doesn't try a thing, never mind making demands.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jul-14 12:12:15

"I'm curious to why he wanted you to post on here"

Good point. I think it's a measure of the man's complete disconnect with real women that he thought posting on a forum mostly populated by women would vindicate his views. If he does read any of the responses I expect they'll be dismissed as the ravings of hysterical man-haters and treated with as much contempt as he shows the OP.

HolgerDanske Fri 25-Jul-14 12:12:50

God how depressing. I actually feel a bit ill.

specialsubject Fri 25-Jul-14 12:13:05

common interests? Enjoying each other's company outside the bedroom as well as in it? Making each other happy? Supporting each other?

not seeing it..

Castlemilk Fri 25-Jul-14 12:13:32

1. Yes, we are all going to say LTB.

2. Next time, suss someone out for more than 12 months before marrying them. It's a great way to weed out the utter steaming pricks.

Goldmandra Fri 25-Jul-14 12:14:11

High standards in the bedroom means that each person is sensitive to the needs and moods of the other and wouldn't enjoy something that the other didn't. It doesn't mean you putting on a good enough performance for him.

If you're tired in the week he should be wanting to give you a lovely relaxing massage and letting things develop naturally from there.

firesidechat Fri 25-Jul-14 12:14:20

I'm sorry, but I'm having trouble understanding why any man would suggest putting this on mumsnet. It's odd, very odd.

The answers you are getting are, not only correct, they are entirely predictable.

NigellasDealer Fri 25-Jul-14 12:14:38

what a cunt <waves>

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jul-14 12:14:57

The timeline of meeting and marrying within 12 months could be significant. Any sense of being bounced into it OP? Were you dazzled by the big bucks and offers of security? 'Marry in haste... etc'

AntideluvianCat Fri 25-Jul-14 12:15:18

I'm laughing and crying at these replies in equal measure

You're right: he was an avid user of porn before we got together; not so much now (I think?)

When he suggested I start this thead , I told him you'd all tell me to LTB and he was genuinely surprised confused

He sees no problem with his behaviour, and probably still won't after reading this sad

LoveBeingInTheSun Fri 25-Jul-14 12:16:33

I've deliberately not read everyone else answer, my thoughts are you seem to suggest he is expecting it as he contributes more money to the household? Also why does he think you don't like it when you do it at weekends?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jul-14 12:16:34

So where do you go from here OP? If he sees no problem with his behaviour, that rather lets out counselling as an option.

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