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How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

(1000 Posts)
thenamehaschanged Thu 24-Jul-14 13:13:10

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling sad which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

ChickenFajitaAndNachos Thu 24-Jul-14 13:20:44

Do you have a job, if not would you get one and your DH gets a less stressful one. It doesn't sound as if the set up you have is working for either of you.
Do you really want to divorce him or are you trying to scare him into changing?

I got about halfway through before I decided to say "Tell him not to bother coming back at all", and the rest of your post just confirmed that.

If he doesn't want to do that job, he can change - doubtless with the cost of renting a room and all the socialising he could afford to take something with less pay and closer to home. But he doesn't choose to do that.

So you and the children get exhausted, moody, and likely hungover 'husband' and 'father' in exchange for what exactly?

Other will be along with more personal experiences I'm sure. But it doesn't sound like much of a marriage, or a good environment to bring up children, and it doesn't sound like you'd miss his presence in your life, for good reason.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Jul-14 13:21:46

How far can he take it?.... as far as you let him. I'm not getting 'family man who resents working away' from your description. Surely he'd bounce through the door like a Labrador if that was the case? There's no point to joint counselling if you're not totally sold on the idea but you might benefit from personal counselling to help you get your thoughts straight.

PhallChops Thu 24-Jul-14 13:24:18

40 minutes from work and he rents a room!!

Trained specifically for the job but doesn't like doing a major part of it!!

I really don't think it's you that needs counselling, the man seems to expect life on a plate! Seems like he was a Mummy's boy and still craves all the attention.

PC

nemno Thu 24-Jul-14 13:26:14

We currently have a somewhat similar arrangement but the very real stress of DH's job only manifests itself on Sunday night when he steels himself to leave. Yours is being an arse.

mumblechum1 Thu 24-Jul-14 13:30:07

40 minutes is round the corner as far as I'm concerned. DH has only ever done the staying away all week thing when we've been a good 200+ miles apart

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 24-Jul-14 13:33:01

40 mins away and he rents a room? Seriously?

ScrambledSmegs Thu 24-Jul-14 13:36:49

40 minutes away and he rents a room close to work? Really?

You know why he does this.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 24-Jul-14 13:40:26

And what goes on in the room of his during the week? Sounds very dodgy. And how much money does he waste on this room?
Stupid man, that room is looking like being his full time home soon enough. You have no reason to blame his foulness on work or anything. He could make his life 10 times easier but he chooses not to. This set up works for him! I wonder why...

thenamehaschanged Thu 24-Jul-14 13:43:29

Yes 40 minutes now. It used to be 2 hours away which is why he first got it, but we have relocated from the country back to our old house in the city to be nearer because he was so unhappy not seeing his kids.
He hasn't given up the room which has been a massive relief for me honestly, I can do relocating 2 DC, settling them in new school, getting involved etc with no one helping, no arm round me, nothing - it has been lonely but I feel lonelier when he's here.
He said the other day that he was thinking of moving back and my heart sank. Divorcing him is going to be really hard - yes he is a spoilt mummy's boy, the lady concerned is bloody coming to visit this weekend as well.

StickyProblem Thu 24-Jul-14 13:43:58

I give quite a few presentations - if you hardly ever do them, they are awful; if you do them a lot, you stop even noticing, they become second nature. It's no way an excuse to be grumpy and abusive.

thenamehaschanged Thu 24-Jul-14 13:47:17

I honestly would be relieved if he was having an affair, honestly I really would but I don't think so - not sure, I don't actually know him or what he gets up to, he is very guarded and detached.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 24-Jul-14 13:50:22

I would guess there's an OW or he's having ONS, else why keep the room of he doesn't need it?

thenamehaschanged Thu 24-Jul-14 13:54:05

The room isn't too much considering it's London, but the socialising? Jesus! He is supposed to claim it all back as expenses but doesn't as he can't be arsed or rather is too busy.
Sticky - I wouldn't want to have to do it - lots of presentations for a job I didn't like. But I know it's an excuse for the abuse, I know it is, but there is zero point me saying it.
I worked 32 hours a week up until we moved (he didn't like that either, said I was distracted, never asked me how my day was etc!) now we've moved I'm not going to look for work til after the summer hols because I've moved away from my mum so no child care - he agreed, said it made sense but was having a go at me the other day about it - I was saying 'don't you want DC taken to and picked up from school then.' 'Don't you want them making new friends at play dates' etc - no response.

ravenmum Thu 24-Jul-14 13:58:19

He is suggesting counselling, though, right? Mine didn't want to do that, as it turned out because he couldn't stand the idea of having to keep his affair secret during a counselling session.

The nasty looks and blaming you for everything do make it sound like he is feeling guilty about something, though.

GarlicJulyKit Thu 24-Jul-14 14:02:26

If you're looking for affirmation, I'm delighted to help. Your husband is a nasty, controlling fuck-up. The chances that he's doing something nefarious in his spare time are astronomical. He is the opposite to an enhancement in your life; as you say, you're already more than capable of managing life without him, so make that a full-time situation. It will be easier without a secretive dictator barrelling through your home every weekend like a dust storm.

My experience of people who behave like your husband tells me they're often secretive, fraudulent and controlling with money. I'd advise using your intelligence to get a clear picture of your/his finances, and to secure them before changing the locks.

Good luck flowers

StickyProblem Thu 24-Jul-14 14:03:27

It sounds like he has his whole life sorted, including mad singles-style socialising, but doesn't like the idea of having to either make friends outside work or pick up his own mess at the weekends. Why should you and the DC be his backup option?

If he really hated his job he wouldn't be socialising with work people all week, or living near the place - he'd be out of there. And 40 minutes is the shortest journey to work I've ever had!

It sounds like he comes home literally "shagged out".
Good luck OP flowers

GarlicJulyKit Thu 24-Jul-14 14:07:40

the socialising? Jesus! He is supposed to claim it all back as expenses but doesn't

Could be that his employers won't pay expenses for the kind of socialising he does.

Bogeyface Thu 24-Jul-14 14:08:11

My first husband worked away during the week and the weekends were horrible, I couldnt wait for him to leave again depsite spending all week looking forward to him coming home.

We split up for other reasons but I read an article years later about how weekends can be appalling in situations like this because you are basically fitting in a whole weeks worth of interaction. So every little thing you would discuss over the course of a week needs to be done in a weekend, the happiness, the arguments, the sex, discussing the new carpet, agreeing on potty training blah blah .... everything is all done in 48 hours. The pressure to have this perfect time when it is limited makes it worse too. It all made so much sense to me because thats what it was like for us.

Perhaps him moving back would be a good thing. At the moment he is socialising a lot, do you think he would do that if he was coming home every day? Perhaps he is doing it more to fill the evenings and if he was coming home he wouldnt need to do that you could reconnect? Saying about moving back and asking for counselling doesnt scream OW to me, and I am normally to first to say that!

You both sound unhappy, so perhaps you could agree to the moving back and the counselling and give it say 6 months. Then reevaluate.

MissScatterbrain Thu 24-Jul-14 14:09:59

* He is supposed to claim it all back as expenses but doesn't as he can't be arsed or rather is too busy*

Most likely its cos the "socialising" is not work related or compulsory for his job. Sounds like he is leading a double life - the fact that he is nasty, distant and resentful screams infidelity.

Quitelikely Thu 24-Jul-14 14:10:31

It takes two to tango, is it all his fault? Are you sure you want to leave? Have you tried counselling or suggested it? Why doesn't he leave his job and find something less stressful? It's obviously making him unhappy. It's like you don't care either. Both in the wrong IMO

GarlicJulyKit Thu 24-Jul-14 14:12:15

Why doesn't he leave his job and find something less stressful?

He did! He was still an arse, OP says.

MorrisZapp Thu 24-Jul-14 14:13:40

I'm sorry but if he isn't shagging in that room I'll eat my hat.

Counselling won't help. You can choose to end this.

nemno Thu 24-Jul-14 14:15:08

Interesting Bogey, My dh and I have lived like this many times over our long marriage and that description of weekends isn't true for us. Maybe because we speak at least twice a day and text a lot so each of us knows about the mundane stuff. Not so much catching up at the weekend that way.

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