Relationship breakdown with mother

[flowerandrandd]

After several years of battling through with a narcisstic parent, it is apparent for my sanity and the well being of my kids that I cut ties, well she has basically said it but I have an ability of going back hoping that this time she might have changed.

So much has happened, some big issues some petty but all
Contribute to the breakdown. I had 18 months of counselling to
Come to terms with our relationship.

I just want to know, for advice, comfort in knowing I'm
Not the only one who has mother that doesn't love her (her words), that there is light at the end
Of the tunnel and this feeling of wanting to pick up the phone and beg her to love you does eventully subside? Tia x

[Lottapianos]

You are not the only one Tia. In fact, there have been an unusually high number of threads on here in the past few days from people with similar issues.

What you're experiencing is FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. When you grow up with an abusive parent, you become conditioned to put them first and to never think of yourself and your own feelings. This doesn't magically disappear when you become an adult - it takes a long time to get go of the hope that your parent will love you the way you want them to. It's intensely painful and involves some serious grieving for the parent you wish you had. And for me it involved a long process of accepting that I do have my own feelings, and that that is ok - that I matter.

It does get easier, it really does, although it takes time. I am 4 years into psychotherapy to come to terms with my family situation, and I still suffer from FOG from time to time. One of the good things about cutting ties is that it frees up time and energy for you to focus on yourself - becoming stronger, being kind to yourself, finding happiness. It's a long journey - good luck with it. Keep posting - lots of us on here have had similar experiences

[flowerandrandd]

I feel broken today :(

[whatisforteamum]

you are not alone flower.That said it hurts like hell.Ive invited my Mum to countless b day parties and school plays none of which she came to.Even if she didnt like me moaning about DH she shouldve come for the kids sake.Im quite sad and jealous when i see mums and daughters out for a coffee,or shopping together.She is the same with my sis who has cut her off after bad panic attacks and depression.When she was diagnosed with incurable cancer i was worried sick about her.Now she is "well" i had hoped she would realize life is too short to play games.
I dont drink much dont smoke,wake early to get the kids to school,go to work but no not good enough!! It wouldnt be so bad if she didnt trip over herself for the 3 other kids (2 adopted).Maybe on some level they are jealous of us :)

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

You have your own children, I bet you have a far healthier parenting style.

From what I've ever read on Relationships, children of narcissists keep trying to love people who don't love them back. You've been trained to do so, yet nothing you ever do will be right for both you and her.

Try writing down all the good things you have had happen to you today and what you love and enjoy about your own family before you go to bed each night.

[flowerandrandd]

Thanks guys. I've been here before, it's like a hellish merry go round. I just want a mom who loves me. My sil is vile to her mom and still she loves her, no repercussions I just said today I wasn't quite ready for a family BBQ as she had only just started talking to me again, I just don't want to keep putting my kids through grandma being there then not wanting to see them, they are 5 and 4 too young to
Explain xxx

[HumblePieMonster]

You are certainly not the only one. I had odd times when I felt my mum loved me, but the vast majority of evidence suggests she didn't.

I kept 'loving'. I visited her until she died. I arranged a funeral which apparently showed my love for her. It couldn't, however, show her true feelings or behaviour towards me, or it would have been a very different occasion and quite inappropriate.

I'll sign off now, the daughter told to 'Pretend you don't exist' (as a three year old), whose earliest memory is her mother sitting at the end of her bed saying 'You would never have been born', whose mother threw away her birth certificate in the hope it would make her disappear...

You're not alone.

[HumblePieMonster]

'would' should read 'should'.
I didn't know then, of course, that she'd had two backstreet abortions before I came along.

[flowerandrandd]

Humblepie I'm sorry. My earliest memory is
Crossing the road and my mom rolling my knuckles while holding my hand, I
Cross that road with my kids, I remember it Everytime x

[weegiemum]

I'm nc with my toxic mother.

It's totally worth it!

[LBZT]

Hi OP I'm in the same boat. Today I am trying to work out if I am over reacting by stepping out of my parents lives. I seem to want to prove to myself I am doing the right thing!! (guilt) I have had days were I have felt utterly broken so broken it's feels physical. As time is starting to move on so have the thoughts and emotions. For me the broken feeling lasted several days over a couple of weeks. I'm not sure if it will come back but reading your post made me think at least that particular feeling is in the past (for now, ever I hope).
Hang in there ride the emotions they only last for so long.

[Lottapianos]

'Broken' is a very good word to describe the feeling. I think a little bit of my heart will always be broken by not being able to have a relationship with my parents.

Nothing will ever be good enough for this kind of person. The key to sanity is in learning to stop trying to please them and working on pleasing yourself instead. Not easy but it gets easier all the time and is so worth the energy.

[exWifebeginsat40]

i've been no contact with my mother for 8 years. it's the healthiest thing i've ever done. it does get easier.

[flowerandrandd]

I've blocked her number just hoping I can stay strong especially when my girls ask 'has grandma gone on holiday again?' It's my usual excuse for her sipping in and out their lives

[flowerandrandd]

Is there a thread that can support me through this? X

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

support

This is in Relationships.

[flowerandrandd]

Thank you xx

[Meerka]

flower .... the longing to be loved, I dont know if that ever fully goes. Wanting to be parented, feeling like a child, yeah that comes back. Maybe diminishes , with hard work and facing the loss of mother love head on. She might still be alive, but hte mother-love isn't there and likely will never be.

But being around the person who makes you feel like that makes it stronger, I reckon. Distance does help though it doesn't take it away. Good friends and (if you have one) a supportive partner help too. It doesn't replace the longing but it gives you other sorts of love that help buoy you up.

Have you found that being NC makes you feel better or worse, overall?

[flowerandrandd]

Sorry for delay in response, nic is hard as my sister is still in contact and she has children the same age so there is a feeling of 'I should put up with it fir the kids' but then again I should protect them from volatile nature x

[flowerandrandd]

A decision was made for me regarding my kids. In a moment of weakness I begged her to see my kids because she was seeing their cousin of the same age and my children asked why she didn't see them. She said no. It seems she would rather spite my child. All I
Could say in response was 'wow, you are a truely horrible person' the end

[Meerka]

Ouch. Big ouch.

I am sorry for your pain. But if she's mean natured and unloving, nothing will ever change her (proviso: unless she decides she wants to change. which sadly, very few do).

it's easy to type, but hard to live with: but you really are better without someone who damages you in your life.

But I know how very hard it is when you long for parental love and it never comes. I hope you can love your small nuclear family and that can be enough. Maybe, if she's a positive force in your lives, you sister too.