I find my brother so difficult

[inabranstonpickle]

Can anyone empathise and maybe offer some suggestions?

Basically he isn't quite like other people. It's hard to explain. It's probably easier to describe his behaviour. He: -

Takes great pleasure when other people are hurt or have something bad happen to them. If a friend of his loses their job or their marriage breaks up he responds with glee. As a result, he has few friends and the ones he does have he doesn't see much of.

Is an ex-opiate addict (prescribed medication) - he is off this now BUT still thinks the solution to every problem lies in the pharmaceutical counter (his medical file is extensive, to say the least. One doctor said it was bigger than any he'd seem before including elderly patients with terminal illnesses.)

Has little or no ideas about social niceties and appropriateness. We were brought up with strict regard to manners yet he walks around without a shirt off, his dreadful table manners, doesn't cover his mouth when yawning, sneezing etc. it makes life out and about with him a bit embarrassing.

This is hard to explain but I'll try - doesn't have a proper definition or real understanding of language. For example, if I use a word or phrase he will then repeat it back and back until it becomes meaningless - I was once trying to explain someone's predicament and used a phrase along the lines of 'well I don't think X is poverty stricken financially but their experiences are, I guess it's poverty of life rather than anything else.' My brother then used the phrase to describe 'poverty of life' for just about everything. Likewise, workplace bullying - every annoying person at work is bullying him and when I was moaning once about a prat at work he told a relative I was being bullied - it really, really annoyed me.

It's so hard being with him - it's like watching a TV programme where someone's lip syncing slightly out of time with the music. Can anyone relate?

[Guiltypleasures001]

Sorry op don't want to read and run as off to bed, my best guess is that he is on a spectrum for something. This sort of behaviour raises questions along those lines, and I doubt he would ever be any different, look up high functioning autism or even autism see if he ticks any of those boxes.

[Justrestinginmyaccount]

I would have to agree with Guilty here. It definitely sounds like some sort of autism.

I can relate OP. My brother has depersonalisation disorder, and I find him really difficult to cope with sometimes. I just have to keep reminding myself that he can't help it, and try not to take it personally. It is hard sometimes though.

[OxfordBags]

The way you describe his repetition of certain words and terms and not truly understanding language, is called Echolalia, and is one of the classic sign of Autism. Everything else you describe sounds totally like ASD. My brother has it, and he is very similar: no true understanding of established social manners, laughing at the misfortune of others (although if it's explained to him why people are sad, etc., he does then feel some empathy, or at least have some understanding), and once something has been established as 'something that works', then he'll obsessively stick with that - my brother has an obsession with wanting penicillin for everything, because it cleared up a bout of very painful tonsillitis quickly when he was about 10. It sounds like that's what your brother is doing medically, but sadly his 'something that works' fixation is opiates.

Your brother really does sound like he is on the spectrum. If he would be willing to have an adult assessment, and how much that would help you, and others, understand him and cope with him, only your family can work through that.

I feel for you, OP. My brother is very hard work, although he can also be lovely, and we all suspect Dad is on the spectrum too.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

There is generally massive over-diagnosing-by-Internet on this site wrt to autism in adults, but yes, I completely agree that your brother is showing some symptoms of 'classic' ASD. Particularly echolalia.

In very young choldren with asd, echolalia is actually seen as a positive: a desire to communicate, a desire to 'join the gang' - without having the tools to do so effectively. In adults, we all know (non-ASD) people who use the same technique - usually new starters at work who will desperately try to pick up on the buzz words and office lingo to help themselves fit in. It is no doubt a massive pita to deal with. But it comes from a desire to share your experiences.

Do you think your DB would be interested in getting diagnosed? Or at the very least, speaking to a GP about it?

[inabranstonpickle]

Well, I am relieved you have all said it as I didn't want to - I did start off by typing that I was fairly certain he had some form of autism and most people who know him well do too (as a toddler someone brought it up to my mum apparently but she was upset and didn't pursue it.)

I don't think he'd be willing to be assessed. We are both grieving at the moment as we have lost our dad and our mum died when I was 16 and he was 19. We were talking yesterday and I asked if he'd be prepared to talk to somebody and got "oh yeh I could go to my GP," (my brother sees his GP at least twice a week!) so I said I didn't think that would be helpful. I googled private counsellors and found a man (think he'd feel more comfortable talking to another man) who also specialised in addiction. I've made an appointment for him for Thursday - I'm not normally in favour of other people organising stuff like this but trust me he'd NEVER do it alone! - but if the 'issue' is autism then I just don't know if it can be helped.

He suffers from very, very high levels of anxiety too - is this normal for people with autism?

[wanttosinglikemarycoughlan]

Very normal, my DS had aspergers and chronic anxiety
We were told anxiety is very common with ASD

[BrucieTheShark]

Yes, anxiety is very common indeed.

Sounds like he holds down a job - what is he like at work? Has he stayed in the same job for a while? There might be a route to go down with his employer offering him some extra support.

[inabranstonpickle]

No, he hasn't really managed to hold down a job. He left university in 2001 then he just drifted for a year - worked a bit for some census project (I think) then when that ended he did some agency work, then the next year signed up for a PGCE but that didn't work out, he had two more years drifting, then retrained, worked in his trained field for a year then had to stop that due to health reasons, then finally got another job in February but has stopped that due to "bullying" - now he's got another one but don't know when it starts.