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Infidelity

(119 Posts)
NCforconfidentiality Tue 22-Jul-14 05:14:36

Having read the relationships board afair bit since my exhusband and I seperated a couple of years ago, and reflecting on my own experiences, I can't help but wonder if all men are cheating, would cheat if they had the opportunity, are looking for opportunities, on POF and the like.

My dad cheated on my mum.
Her best friend's husband tried it on with her.

My exh cheated on me. He was the last person I'd have ever expected to cheat. I know everyone says that, but I really thought I'd found a 'good one'. The kind who dropped a friend who invited him to a lapdancing club when we were together, hated the way some TV storylines treated infidelity so casually, never even so much as noticeably looked at another woman in the street, didn't flirt, didn't go out much, worked hard, good family man... blah blah... then I discovered he'd been going on NSA websites and was having an affair with a woman at work. I ended the marriage.

My LTR before that cheated on me and got another woman pregnant while we were together.

Since then, four men have shown an interest in me. Two of them are/were married. (One is single. The other is my boyfriend.)

The first, I met through friends. We hit it off and became friends. He went on to tell me that he'd fallen in love with me and tried every line: they were only together for the children; he would leave if he could; they didn't have sex anymore; they should never have married in the first place; they weren't even friends any more... I ended the 'friendship'.

The second was more of a shock. I've known he and his wife for several years. He isn't claiming to be in love with me, and I certainly don't think he's looking for an 'exit affair'. I'm assuming he just fancies me and thinks it would be nice to see what I'm 'like', or something. I suppose. Who knows.

The point is, the wives of both of these men would think they have nothing to worry about. I don't really know the first man's wife very well, but he is quiet, unassuming, rather lacking in confidence, educated, intelligent and intellectual. The second, I know trusts her husband implicitly, he clearly and openly adores her, and, the sad thing is, he is the man I kept in mind as 'proof' that there are decent men out there. These are both decent, hardworking, either at work or at home, not out at the pub or away on business... The kind of men that women on here are with who say, "I know my husband would never cheat". At least one is close with his wife, there are no cracks in their relationship, he is supportive of her, and compliments her and is just lovely and sweet to her. In fact, I have always held every aspect of their family/relationship in my mind as proof that it's out there and it can work. These are those men.

And I haven't done anything to court or invite it. I'm not the sort of woman other women worry about being around their husbands; I've really rather average in most respects, I don't flirt. I'm hardly a 'femme fatale'. So I'm guessing it's not the first time for either of them in reality.

History suggests I'm the sort of woman men cheat on , not with So this is really affecting how I feel about my own boyfriend and relationships in general.

And I know people are going to say that these men are just bastards and that there are decent men out there, but these are the decent men. Or at least, their wives (and I!) believed they are, and that's all any of us have to go on after all, isn't it?

neiljames77 Tue 22-Jul-14 06:08:53

I've come to the conclusion that everybody is capable of it

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 22-Jul-14 07:08:01

I'm getting on a bit now smile and I've seen enough 'decent men' (and women) misbehave, and been propositioned by a few of them myself, that I am no longer surprised. Everyone gets opportunities to cheat . Some people take up those opportunities, others don't and the reasons for being in the first group or the second are as variable as the individuals involved and the circumstances they find themselves in.

EarthWindFire Tue 22-Jul-14 07:15:43

Everyone has the capacity to cheat. It isn't IMO gender specific.

MrRedAndBlue Tue 22-Jul-14 07:23:57

I agree.

CatKisser Tue 22-Jul-14 07:27:03

I also think everyone has the capacity to do it and we have absolutely no control over our partners as to whether they'll do it or not. All you can do is have enough self esteem to say to a partner "these are my boundaries, I don't give second chances" and most importantly MEAN it.
But ultimately the option is always there.

NCforconfidentiality Tue 22-Jul-14 08:00:06

Yes, of course you're right that men and women are capable of it. I was only thinking men because I'm not in a relationship with a woman and I haven't been propositioned by any women. smile

I do have strong boundaries and I wouldn't give second chances. I suppose it's just starting to feel like nobody can be trusted so it's not really worth trying in the first place. And some people who post on here are so definite that their partner definitely wouldn't. And they're just wrong. sad

I'm beginning to think most people do, and would do, it if they had the opportunity, found the other person attractive and thought they could get away with it. A desire to remain faithful to the person they love doesn't come into it. So long as the other person believes they are faithful to them.

NC - maybe a head in the sand mode, but I find that last paragraph rather depressing, and more akin to the world of soaps than reality (hopefully).
My relationship with DW is not exactly utopia right now, but I'd not cheat, for the Desire to stay faithful to the woman I love. Can't believe I'm in a minority.

CatKisser Tue 22-Jul-14 08:08:32

I will be honest. Every relationship I've had has involved the other person cheating. I've been single for YEARS now, barring the odd fling and various ONSs. Ive come to really love being on my own though and wouldn't give that up lightly. I've not met anyone I'd trust to be with, but I see there as two options. You trust and accept you might hurt. Or you have a frank discussion about an open relationship.

Vivacia Tue 22-Jul-14 08:11:42

I'm beginning to think most people do, and would do, it if they had the opportunity, found the other person attractive and thought they could get away with it.

That has not been my experience.

NCforconfidentiality Tue 22-Jul-14 08:17:11

Minus well I'd have thought that, too. But given that the one man I held onto as being evidence that good and faithful men exist and that if you find someone who loves you they will remain faithful to you has recently propositioned me, I just can't believe it anymore. I'm beginning to think you are in a very small minority.

CatKisser Yes, I think my experience is the same. From boys I dated as a teenager, to the man I married. I don't think any of them have been faithful. I just believed that some of them were being faithful for longer than others until I discovered they weren't.

NCforconfidentiality Tue 22-Jul-14 08:18:20

I wouldn't have an open relationship.

I'd choose to be single.

NCforconfidentiality Tue 22-Jul-14 08:21:21

I think I'm at the currently, where I wouldn't trust anyone again. Ever.

NCforconfidentiality Tue 22-Jul-14 08:21:49

At the point, currently

CatKisser Tue 22-Jul-14 08:26:40

I don't think does it any good to tar everyone with the same brush. Why not not stop thinking about relationships full stop for the time being and establish yourself as YOU. And if you do decide you trust someone enough to be with them, ensure you can exit the relationship at any time.

CarryOnDancing Tue 22-Jul-14 08:28:51

NC-would you cheat? If not then you know non cheats exist smile

MsBumble Tue 22-Jul-14 08:29:00

I believe nearly all men will cheat where they have the opportunity to do so.

bouncinbean Tue 22-Jul-14 08:33:32

I used to believe in the fundamental goodness of people and that the default position is faithfulness. As I get older and experience more myself and of my friends and family that is shifting. People will do what they can get away with and actually people are fundamentally selfish - for some that results in positive behaviour but in many that behaviour can have negative repercussions.
I liked the posters comments about boundaries - my boundaries are clear. If the person I love crosses then there will be strong and immediate consequences. My partner is capable of crossing the boundary, I hope he never does but that's not something I personally can control.

EarthWindFire Tue 22-Jul-14 08:36:07

I have known of women that have cheated including my DPs ex. It isn't a male phenomenon.

NCforconfidentiality Tue 22-Jul-14 08:41:54

Dancing Honestly?

I have done in the dim and distant past.
I don't think I would do now.

Sadly, I think I'm in the same camp as MsBumble and bouncinbean

I would have no qualms in ending a relationship immediately if I discovered infidelity. It's the not discovering it that bothers me.

What's worse than discovering a worm in your apple? Not disovering it.

HumblePieMonster Tue 22-Jul-14 08:43:20

I think that whilst everyone has the potential to cheat, men are more active in seeking opportunities. Of course, that doesn't apply to everyone - some women will be predatory, some men with be faithful. But my experience suggests that the majority of men are open to the possibility of extra-marital sexual encounters, most of the time.

NCforconfidentiality Tue 22-Jul-14 08:43:50

Earth No, I know. I did amend it. It's just that I'm not affected directly by cheating women, given that I'm not in a relationship with one.

And even if my partner met a cheating woman, he wouldn't be required to cheat with her. It would still be his choice.

So I was, personally, just thinking about men.

MsBumble - it takes two to cheat though, doesn't it? (some may argue three, in that a partner has "driven the cheater to it", by one way or another - but that's a bullshit excuse put out by the person committing the betrayal to assuage their guilt, or blame others). And who are all these men cheating with? Presumably women who are a) in a relationship themselves (and therefore, cheating also), or b) aware of the man's poor wife/spouse (and as such, just as lacking in morals).

NCforconfidentiality Tue 22-Jul-14 08:47:03

I think that whilst everyone has the potential to cheat, men are more active in seeking opportunities. Of course, that doesn't apply to everyone - some women will be predatory, some men with be faithful. But my experience suggests that the majority of men are open to the possibility of extra-marital sexual encounters, most of the time.

I think this is it, really.

EarthWindFire Tue 22-Jul-14 08:48:18

I think like others have said you have to have boundaries which you are not prepared to cross or accept others doing so.

In my DPs case the affairs were discovered after they were over, however it didn't make it any less painful for him.

I don't know what the stats are for women that cheat and stay on their relationships, but in this case later it was discovered that she wasn't willing to end the relationship because she liked the very confortable lifestyle that she had at the time and didn't want to lose it.

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