Just found out something shocking about my father

[Lodgecockers]

Not sure what I'm asking for really - perhaps some advice about how to keep this in perspective? My parents have been together since they were teenages, upstanding members of the community, university lecturers etc, always thought they were happily married. They've been great parents and grandparents. Both nearly 70. At the weekend, my Dad asked me to show my Mum a house he's interested in on his phone. I noticed he had 10-15 porn sites open (all with a similar interest, one particular video title was on a number of the pages). I shut them all down rapidly, showed my Mum this house he liked, felt a bit sick and put it out of my mind until kids were in bed. I was - I don't know - interested, concerned, worried about what he was looking at and so searched for the video title on my phone that evening. Found the video on a free porn site (well it's on a number of free porn sites) - and my Dad is in the video. It's consensual (well as far as porn is consensual). He doesn't actually have sex in the video but he does take part. I feel devastated. People in porn videos are...people. They may well have partners, husbands, wives, children, grandchildren, people who love them. I wish so much that thousands of people hadn't watched my Dad doing this, but they have. He's got a huge problem, obviously. I just have to try to find a way to get over this. I've told my DH, brother and sister. My brother and sister are seeing my Dad this afternoon and are going to talk to him. I will too, in due course. Don't know what to do or say to my Mum, if anything, yet.

[TurboWithAKick]

Was it legal?

[noddyholder]

Do you think she may know?

[fledermaus]

I would keep out of it to be honest. Your dad is an adult and can make his own choices, your parents' relationship is there own business. I'd try to forget I ever saw it!

[PandaFeet]

I understand that this is a huge shock to you, but I really don't think you should have told your siblings.

Your dad is more than just your dad. He is a person in his own right, and he has a right to a private life that he doesn't share with his children. Aslong as it wasn't illegal then I think you should have just kept quiet. If you thought your mum didn't know then I would understand you telling her in the same way you would if he was having an affair.

But he doesn't need to ask your permission to do things like this. What exactly do your siblings intend to say to him? He doesn't have to answer to them.

[Lodgecockers]

Yes, it was legal. And yes, my Mum might know. I've got no idea. I feel like I should keep out of it. You're right feldermaus that their relationship is their business. I just feel gutted and sad. My brother & sister say they're going to tell him that they know it's there and in terms of their lives, would rather that he wasn't doing this on the internet. I think I'll say the same thing to him but otherwise leave it, let him have his private life, let them have their relationship. And wish I could unsee it....

[Missunreasonable]

The thing that should concern you is whether your mum knows about it. If your mum knows and is okay with it then you have to come to terms with it. I appreciate it is upsetting but as long as it is legal, consensual and not behind your mums back then your dad hasn't done anything wrong.

[Lodgecockers]

Maybe I shouldn't have told my siblings :( But I was in shock, and I tend to tell them most big things that happen, and they do me too. I was probably weak.

I know my Dad has his right to his private life. I would rather it actually was private though and not online so everyone can see.

[Lodgecockers]

I don't know if it's behind my Mum's back or not. One of the things my siblings are going to say to him is that there's nothing wrong with it, but please could it not be on the internet, and that he has to decide whether or not to tell my Mum if she doesn't know. The thing is that if she doesn't know, and we do, and it's easily available on the internet, then she could find out by some other means - someone else telling her for example. What do we do about that if my Dad hasn't told her and won't tell her?

[lunar1]

If your mum knows then I feel a bit sorry for him. He is more than just a parent and you siblings are about to confront him about it.

[Lodgecockers]

I don't know if she knows. If she does know, then he can tell my siblings, and that will be the end of it for us. I think we're all entitled to say that we've seen it on the internet and don't like it being publically available. If it wasn't online, I think we would likely not say anything to him about it. It's the fact that we can see it, she could see it, and if she doesn't (yet) know, it could be really really hurtful for her to find out like that.

[Missunreasonable]

What do we do about that if my Dad hasn't told her and won't tell her?

You tell him that you are know aware of the video and you are not prepared to keep secrets from your mum. If she was to find out at a later stage and then found out that you knew a long time ago she will feel very disappointed and her trust in all of you will be gone. If your dad has done this behind your mums back then she is the one that needs support. I have no issues with the video as parents can do as they please in their sex lives but I would have issue with what could be effectively cheating.
If it is behind your mums back then give your dad an ultimatum to tell your mum before he leaves you no choice but to tell her yourself.
I think he would be quite foolish to out a video on the web if your mum doesn't know though.
You never know, they could turn out to be swingers and your mum could be involved too which is a better scenario that it being behind her back.

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

I think there is something wrong with him doing it if he is in a committed loving relationship with your mother. If she knows and is happy then that's different. I agree it must be a shock as it's out there for all to see. What if a friend or colleague saw it and recognised him. I understand your angst. Hopefully your siblings will have a candid chat and things will work out ok.

[NorwaySpruce]

You wouldn't have come across it if you hadn't specifically Googled what you saw on your father's phone.

Does your mother have a liking for porn too? If not, she's unlikely to find it.

I'd be seriously surprised if she doesn't know more about her husband after all this time than you do. You may find that she is, in fact, party to the thing herself.

[Lodgecockers]

Thanks missunreasonable :) That's what I want to say to him. I don't have an issue with this in his private life. I have a massive issue that I, and others, can see it and maybe my Mum doesn't know. I really, really, hope she does. I hope she enjoys it, if that's what floats her boat. Thinking about how they've been the last year or so, though, I suspect she does know or she suspects, but she's very unhappy about it. If that's the case, then yes, we can absolutely support her. And if she's about to find out, then we'll be there for her too.
Thanks for your help. It's hard to get it straight in my head.

[chicaguapa]

I know this is a shock, but if your mum and dad sat you down to talk about your sex video on the internet, you might feel it was none of their business.

[ImperialBlether]

Is your dad really recognisable? If you didn't know it was him beforehand, would you have known from the video? Is it a site others are likely to view, eg YouTube?

I really think you should have spoken to your dad about it at the time, rather than bringing in your whole family. He will be mortified.

[Lodgecockers]

Yes chicaguapa. I would feel it's none of their business unless they were worried that my DH didn't know and would be wrecked if he found out. That's really the only message I want to get across to my Dad. This is in the public domain, it could be found by many people who would be very hurt by it, including my Mum if she doesn't already know.

Thanks for giving me much-needed perspective.

[MostWicked]

He's got a huge problem, obviously
No, the problem is yours.

This is in the public domain, it could be found by many people who would be very hurt by it, including my Mum if she doesn't already know.
No, not really. There are billions of porn videos on the internet. you only found it because you specifically searched the exact title on a porn site!
Who could actually be hurt by it? Maybe your mum if she doesn't already know, but no-one else. It's no-one else's business, including you and your siblings. You need to keep out of it.
And if someone else did come across it, what are they going to say? I was browsing this porn site and came across a video of you...

[lizzzyyliveson]

I would want to know more about why your Dad asked you to show your mum something on his computer and why he didn't realise that he had all these porn sites open on his browser. Did he intend for you to see the videos and what response did he want? Is this a new pattern of behaviour? He an exhibitionist and he is escalating his exhibitionism. It could be a sign that his boundaries are weakening and given his age I would worry about brain disorders.

[holyhell]

its none of your business.
you have potentially totally embaressed him and your mum by telling your siblings.

[msrisotto]

Of course it is her business, it's everyones business once it's online. Also if her mum doesn't know about it then she deserves to know, pretending like she never saw it would be like lying to her mum.

[ImperialBlether]

You should have taken the opportunity immediately it occurred, OP. When you were holding the phone, realised what you'd seen, you should have said then, "Dad, are you sure you want me to show this to mum?"

[WandaFuca]

My thinking is along the same lines as lizzzyyliveson.

If he's usually adept at using his phone, why didn't he close the porn sites first? And why did he ask you to show your mum the house, rather than doing that himself?

[Lodgecockers]

Thanks for all your advice everyone, including those who've told me it's none of my business. I didn't say anything there and then because my 3 children and my nephew were in the room, I was gobsmacked and didn't really know what I'd seen. I shut it all down on his phone straight away, and didn't have a chance to see him on his own. Perhaps I should have said something straight away but honestly I had no idea what to say. I didn't want to just completely expose him in front of everyone in the room including all the children. I think that would have been terrible.

My siblings have spoken to him. What he says is that he's involved in a group with a specific fetish and always has been. He thought videos were made for the group's private use only and didn't know they were freely available on the internet. My Mum knows nothing about it, never has done, and he doesn't want her to know anything. He didn't realize that the videos could be seen by anyone. I don't know how much of that is true or not.

Anyway, as many of you have said, it's his private life. Maybe I shouldn't have told my siblings but they both say that are really glad I did and they would have hated it if I'd kept that to myself. I also needed their support, so that's selfish, but that's one of the reasons I told them. I'm very sorry I've embarrassed my father and as many of you have said that is mortifying for him.