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'D' H and his mini mid life crisis

(60 Posts)
Justnotimaginitive Mon 21-Jul-14 08:31:57

'D' H seems to have mini midlife crisis every 6 months to a yr, he says be doesn't want to live like this for the rest of his life.
This basically means 'life' what we all do every day, working etc all the mundane stuff. He wants to live and do exciting things, climb mountains, safari, travel that sort of thing.

I am trying to be supportive and encouraging but I'm not sure how much more I can take tbh. Yesterday I did the race for life and jogged most of it when I don't do exercise ever smile . This morning I said how much I ache only to
Be met with 'it was only 5k' no support no 'you did brilliant well done '.

I just don't know what to do anymore i am seriously considering wether this is working for us, I don't think he wants to be here, I always feel like he is looking for something more (previous issues with internet miss use )

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has this and if so how do you cope with it and not give up.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 21-Jul-14 08:37:49

There's nothing wrong with anyone wanting to shake out of a rut and try something new but I'm getting the impression that when he goes through these fads, he checks out of the 'mundane stuff' and expects you to carry him? Add in the internet misuse and lack of regard for your personal achievements I would say he's not having a mid-life crisis, he's just a self-absorbed arse. What you're describing as 'supportive and encouraging' he could easily interpret as you being a soft touch.

Have you told him it's not working?

Heels99 Mon 21-Jul-14 08:43:29

Sounds very irritating. When he gets these ideas, does he do anything about them? E.g does eh book a safari, learn mountain climbing etc? Or are they fanciful ideas he has no intention of following up? I think I would be inclined to force the issue. Next time he says he wants to climb a mountain I would follow it up, " great, I have booked us both on a climbing course at xxx indoor climbing centre so we can learn, we start Saturday" . Include yourself, and if he drops out, go anyway. You can do this with most things, rally driving, white water rafting etc etc. Safari would obviously cost a lot more!!!!! I think. Great, let's do it. Is the the only answer. You may have to drive this but may find that you enjoy the activity, whatever it is, and that it helps your relationship to do something like this together. Good luck

HowGoodIsThatInAnAgressiveJers Mon 21-Jul-14 08:56:18

"Living like this" is what being a grown -up is all about. We have responsibilities - that is how it is. Sandwiched between growing kids and deteriorating parents, we are the ones who shoulder the burden. If you sit and think about it too long, it would depress anyone.

However, the burden falls on all of us at this time of life so why does he feels that he is unique and owed a way of evading the grind?

He needs to choose a different world-view, find a way of challenging himself, motivating himself or learning something new - anything that helps keep him feeling fresh, engaged and interested in life. Its the same challenge for us all - but he needs to do that. Its not your responsibility.

Boleh Mon 21-Jul-14 08:57:20

Yep, if he wants to do things differently he needs to start making a plan of what he wants and how to get there (in a way that also works for you and the kids) - even if this needs to start with trying to get a better paid job for the safari!

(A 5k is a significant achievement BTW - well done!)

noddyholder Mon 21-Jul-14 09:08:04

Tell him to do it as long as it doesn't impact on family finances. I bet he won't. I have seen this before he is dissatisfied and looking for someone to blame rather than look at himself.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jul-14 09:16:29

Ugh, he sounds insufferable. What a whining baby he is.

What form did this "internet misuse" take ? hmm

He sounds like he is in a rut. Is he unhappy with his job? Can he change that and shake up his day to day life sufficiently to give him a new perspective on things? It is OK to dream but not to make anybody else feel less important or inadequate as a result and you have to be prepared to do something about it instead of making everybody else part of your problem. He does sound self absorbed in that respect.

I think overall I agree with a PP - call his bluff. When he wants to shake things up, make him do that instead of talking about it. The danger is that he really is not happy in your marriage as well and he will end up pursuing a dream and leaving you behind but maybe that is better than both of you being unhappy? Before you get to that stage a frank and honest discussion about how his mini-crisis makes you feel, and what you really can do to change things.

Well done on your 5K though. That is brilliant. I couldn't do it even if being chased by a pack of lions. smile

JadeJ123 Mon 21-Jul-14 09:22:31

My dad had a full blown mid life crisis and that lasted 6 years hmm it gets worse before it gets better, in the wake of it he damaged his relationship badly with me & my brother and pretended like he didn't have kids 90% of the time and ignored us because he was re living his past blush personally for myself I'd run for the hills. His midlife crisis also split him & my mum up.

Justnotimaginitive Mon 21-Jul-14 09:27:37

Heels - no he doesn't ever do anything about these things, he moans and groans for a few weeks I spend my time 'picking' him up, telling him all the good things we do have. This time it is mountain climbing so I think you are right and I will look into a course and force the issue.

How - I try and tell him that 'this' is life and we have responsibilities and it has to be done. The thing is he wallows and doesn't actually do anything to change it.

Boleh - you are right he needs to start planning but he never does and we then go another 6 months and the cycle starts all over again.
Thank you I thought 5k was a great achievement, I did no training as was going to walk and my sister who is in remission made me jog smilesmile so I hurt today grin

Cogito - sometimes it seems that this is just an excuse to be an arse- the internet misuse was all about him and having his ego stroked, it seems it's ways about how he feels tbh.
I work hard too, I'm at home in the day with the children DD1 12 DD2 4 and DS 2 and then I work in the evenings, I do cleaning it's very hard work as work 4 hr every night and he treats me like I don't work as I'm at home in the day time, this frustrates me as he doesn't do much in the house because I do it in the day.

It's been like this for yrs and I'm getting to the point where it's just too much to keep picking him up every 6 months or so, plus quite honestly it doesn't make me feel great when he's talking about not wanting to live like this for the rest of his life like we aren't good enough for him.

PetulaGordino Mon 21-Jul-14 09:30:57

Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

Justnotimaginitive Mon 21-Jul-14 09:32:55

Anyfucker - it was not great tbh I was heavily pg with DD2 and found fake FB, MSN accounts, he was talking to other women, also a lot of porn use well. I decided to try and work through it which we did to a certain degree (he still uses porn which I don't like) but it was in the same vein, mid life crisis needed excitement etc.

Wow it sounds like he I such a prick, he does have good sides too when he isn't having these mid life issues.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jul-14 09:34:30

Christ, what a tool

I just couldn't be arsed with it. He sounds like my whiny teenager who thinks the world owes him a fantastic life

I think your life would be infinitely pleasanter without him sucking up all the fucking oxygen

The internet thing was cheating with ow was it ?

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jul-14 09:37:23

Cross posted

I see it was cheating with ow

Love, you are going to have to carry this manchild for the rest of his life

He has a cushy number with you, that is for sure

What a pity he doesn't acknowledge not deserve it

You have been making allowances for this lazy and disrespectful nob for years, I expect

dimsum123 Mon 21-Jul-14 09:38:04

I'm embarressed to say but I think I feel like your DH. I feel like I would like to do something exciting and exhilarating. I find day to day life so boring and mundane and tedious, I honestly don't know how people get through it.

But you have made me realise I am also being very self absorbed. Probably because I haven't got a job (am looking but v hard after being SAHM for 11 years).

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 21-Jul-14 09:39:56

What you're describing is purely selfish, attention-seeking & disrespectful behaviour. He creates his own dissatisfaction with the result that he gets lots of ego-stroking attention from you. If it doesn't come from you he gets it elsewhere by being unfaithful - and you've compromised against your better judgement, possibly because you're scared of him leaving. To add insult to injury, he takes it for granted that you'll do this and he owes you nothing in return. Not even a well done. All adds up to a very contemptuous attitude on his part. He's not 'worked through it'... he's carried on exactly the same as before and you've adapted.

Of course he has good sides. Few people are 100% unpleasant. What he's doing are not 'mid-life issues', it's selfish contempt.

littleSpud Mon 21-Jul-14 09:48:26

sorry but your dh is a dick op. with everything you posted my opinion of him just got worse with each post

and well done on the 5k that's a fantastic achievement

you sound lovely though, a fab person, wife and mum and he does not deserve you. he needs to buck up or fuck off

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jul-14 10:03:36

"Buck up or fuck off"

That's about the extent of it

Justnotimaginitive Mon 21-Jul-14 10:09:45

Anyfucker - yes it was cheating, he never meet these women but it was still cyber sex and hurt me a lot.

I do make allowances for him yes I'm not sure why perhaps its because I love him but I'm worth more then this and I know I am.

I've also lost 3 stone over the last yr and I am now at my goal weight, rather then being pleased for me and again telling me well done he's down because he needs to lose weight and hasn't.

Cogito - yep I agree it's very selfish and what you have said sounds exactly like it is tbh.
When he said it was only 5k this morning it was sent in a contemptuous tone.

Littlespud - thank you I am far from perfect of course but i do try and 5k just seemed amazing to me and I just wanted a bit if acknowledgment from him just a well done would have been nice.

MeridithMcMilan Mon 21-Jul-14 10:11:50

Why waste your life on this selfish tosser?

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jul-14 10:12:48

He sounds worse and worse sad

You have lost weight and done something magnificent. He has done fuck all except suck the joy out of life.

he is jealous of you

the more you fly, the more he will try to pull you down

you have a case of emotional abuse going on here. I don't expect you feel like an abused woman, but you are

noddyholder Mon 21-Jul-14 10:13:26

You sound way way too good for him and he knows it. My ex was like this never acknowledged anything I achieved while I carried him and encouraged him to do his thing which invariably never happened. I just lost it so many times until one day I didnt even raise my voice I just walked. Never looked back.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jul-14 10:16:34

Yep, he knows it and he will presently be quite terrified

he sees you losing weight, looking good and achieving important stuff like 5k runs and he is just a whining tosspot who can't stick at anything

he is going to have to try even harder to drag you back down to his level

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 21-Jul-14 10:18:00

Ah he sounds exactly like the kind of person I like to avoid. It drives me mad when people bang on about how shit their life is, but do nothing to improve it. You wanna climb a mountain? Go climb a fucking mountain! Don't sit there making someone else feel shit about their life because you can't be arsed to make a change! - that is for your H btw, not you OP.

I am not suggesting he leaves you, although I may suggest you would be better off without him, but he could do some things to make his life more interesting. It's not your job to entertain him.

He sounds like a selfish bastard who will never be happy with his lot in life.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 21-Jul-14 10:18:22

Oh and big congratulations on you weight loss and 5k! thanks

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