Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Three months on...even worse than before.(42 Posts)
I've noticed that I write these posts approximately every three months.
At the risk of boring everyone, and also on the basis that I don't know how to link, I'll provide a quick background.
A year ago I found porn in the Google search history. This was purely accidental on my part and unexpected. We talked a lot about it, I made clear that its the secrets and lies that hurt the most, however I'm not madly keen on being married to a misogynist. We moved on bought a new house etc. Things were becoming more normal, not totally but getting there.
Anyway come March he is crying, told me all sorts of things I.e. he habitually masturbated, who to, when, told me he held hands and hugged other women on nights out.
After that I got the I don't know if I love you, don't feel close to you etc...you get the gist! Anyway he was signed off work for three months with depression and has had counselling and CBT for this and his intrusive thoughts.
This morning he is due back at work, basically he told me that he feels empty inside and allergic to me??!
I have totally had enough, told him that we were finished cos I'm done with being miserable, I don't need him for that! I said all sorts of things but I made it clear that I was finished and that I want out.
He came down stairs later and wanted to hug and kiss me. I asked if he was going back to his mum's. ..no why would I I'll be back here later...as if nothing has happened.
I am devastated but I can't carry on like this. Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable. He has taken my feelings and choked the life right out of them. I don't know how I feel anymore. My anxiety is immense to the point where my arms shake very badly. I can't go back to the crying I've just had 2 months off work because of the stress caused by this! !!
You'll be better off alone, won't you? Do you have children?
You are not being unreasonable. He is dragging you down- his issues have made you miserable. He's got total control.
Do not stand for somebody making you feel unloved. Allergic to you??!!!! You absolutely have done the right thing. Enough is enough.
Who owns/rents the house you live in? Have you got someone you can go and stay with?
He's blanking this because that's worked before. If you are telling him it's over, you will have to also
(posted too soon) show him it is. Get yourself out of there.
Yes we have three lovely little children who will be devastated. I simply cannot swallow anymore my self esteem is on the bones of its arse!!
We own the house and I do have a good job. I have no intention of leaving. Your right though he's ignoring it because that has worked before!
He sounds awful - no wonder you are shaking. He needs to leave. Solicitor for you I reckon. Then the shaking can stop. I wouldn't be surprised if you uncover much more unfaithful behaviour tbh. Typical to say horrid things to you to justify his own feckless goings on. It's not you btw, it is him who is in the wrong. Time to get rid and find your self esteem again. You deserve so much more.
Ok so if you both own the house then for now you can't force him out.
But you can make it clear your marriage is over. And you have to do it immediately for the message to hit home. You need to transition from married couple, to house sharers.
You need to arrange from tonight...
sleeping in separate rooms and moving your belongings (clothes, books etc) to those separate rooms. Even if you have to put your kids in one room, even if you have to take over the dining room, even if you (or him)have to sleep on the sofa. No shared wardrobes etc.
Talk to him about childcare/cleaning/shopping/cooking arrangements so that you are either sharing responsibility in the way flat mates do, or doing them completely separately. Split the fridge and cupboards etc.
OMG this is so awful. I'm softening even now. Though part of me actually hates him. Crying again.
I think him staying at his mother's is probably the best next move. Take a proper break from each other, have chance to properly think, relax, and at the same time let him know that you're deadly serious about the consequences of his behaviour. Have you told any friends or family IRL what he's been up to? If not (understandable) then the stress of keeping his grubby secret won't be helping.
Of course it is upsetting - and yes I am sure there were times when he was nice to you, and that is what you are mourning, but it doesn't outweigh the horrid bits does it. Sorry you are upset - is all part of the process and you can and will be ok. So many of us have been where you are - and we are happy again.
I know I need to be firm. I feel like a doormat and I hate that but at the same time I worry about the children. Is this the depression talking or is this really him??
What about me. Everything is about what he wants!
If he's well enough to hold down a job, he's well enough to treat you decently. If he's still unwell he should go back to the GP for more treatment... it's not an excuse to bring you down or go screwing around (holding hands and hugging my arse). Others tend to disagree with me... it's not his fault he's ill... you don't know what it's like to be depressed... but, as you say, who's looking after you in all this? Where's your support team of counsellors & therapists etc?
Don't blame his nastiness on depression - this is who he is and what he wants to be. Do not minimise or excuse how he is.
Freedom Programme may be worth looking at if you feel up for it
It doesn't matter if it's the depression or if it's him - your life is made crappy either way.
In any case, why would he need to work on managing his depression better when he can just direct all his misery onto you every 3 months? That's clearly working well for him. As for your feelings: well, you need to suck it up because he's the one who's suffering you know
Depression doesn't generally make people into manipulative cheating shit heads, and don't let him try to persuade you otherwise.
He is going to keep ignoring you and pretending that everything fine until you move into a separate room and get divorce papers served.
Then he will play the sick martyr then he will get angry. Rinse and repeat.
You need to stop accepting this and actually put the wheels in motioin for change.
I am not just blithely ignorant, by the way; I suffer from depression myself and I went out with a guy who was also depressed. He seemed to think it was ok to be a passive-aggressive whingey twat and then put on a wounded face saying 'But I'm depressed, you should understand how I feel.' Funny, I didn't treat him like that! I dumped his sorry arse and ignored all the whinging about how insensitive I was. Never regretted it.
I know your situation is far more complex as your kids are involved, but seriously: do you want them to grow up in a house dealing with Daddy the man-child? I also had a parent with depression and we all had to tiptoe around her and her precious moods. It has made me very intolerant of such selfish behaviour as an adult and I don't think much of my dad for sticking around and not calling her on her shit either.
Please, at least tell your family and friends that it is over and that your relationship is done. Make it real. You will find it much easier (in a 'it's fucking hard' way) to extricate yourself form this horrible relationship if you've told other people how shit it truly is.
to you op
I remember you posting before, you're just making yourself more miserable, let him go, he's not good enough for you, he's already proved that to you.
Thanks I know that you are all right. And by not doing anything I'm giving him a free reign to treat me as he likes.
Should I speak with his mum do you think? I feel like I need her to understand why I am doing what I'm going. I don't expect her to take sides or think badly of him but I need her to have my perspective.
I wouldn't, you can maybe speak to her once he has gone and the dust has settled.
ok. I told him this morning but given that all I've heard since is a text saying "ok speak to you later xx." I surmise that he hasn't got the message. I was planning to email him to reinforce. What the hell do I do? ?
Talk to him face to face. If he feels allergic to you then getting away form you should solve that!
He's probably hoping that if he ignores it, you'll 'forget' about it.
Assuming he's at work, I think leave it till he gets home.
Then tell him how things are going to be. Tell him it is over. Tell him his options are the spare room or his mother's house.
Ideally, have his things ready to move to one or other, or already in the spare room, or your stuff there... whatever is practical.
Stay calm. Repeat as required. He won't want to believe it. He'll 'forget' and end up in your room in the night, he'll pretend it's just temporary, just a mood. Stay firm, stay focussed. You need this to stop. You need to be the one who makes it stop.
You called his bluff. He was OK whilst he was in control of his misery but you have seen his 'allergy' and raised him a 'stay at your mums'. Naughty you, trying to take control!
Stick to your guns. Do tell his mum your perspective, your family and friends too, making it public might make it more real to him. And his mum may be able to help him over his own bugbears.
Pick a line... don't let him cross it. Good luck
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.