Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Saw him of Pof....same old story, what to do?

(68 Posts)
oncetwice Mon 21-Jul-14 05:33:00

Firstly I've had to re register as i couldn't sign in with my old email for some reason.

I've been seeing a guy from pof for a month. I know it's not long. We've seen a lot of each other, every few days, which i know some will say is a red flag in itself but we are/were both keen and happy with this pace. Dtd. Was amazing and fantastic for us both. He said he hadn't been on there since we met, I said i had, once, a few days after we met and he said 'why?' so i assumed he didn't want to keep looking and we'd see how things progressed, which they have been doing, very nicely. Spent the afternoon/evening with him yesterday, we seemed very close, he was very complimentary towards me, he's not the gushy type so I was thinking he's really beginning to like me, made plans for this week, etc.

So tonight, after lots of texting back and forth with him all evening,I had a quick nose on there without signing in to see if my ex was still on there, and lo and behold new man is on there, for over an hour.

He did say today he hadn't checked his email account for 2 weeks, so possibly he was checking out his 'would like to meet' notifications, which I am itching to do too, but was very happy to delete my profile and see how things went with him.

Obviously I don't know what he was doing on there, could be arranging other dates....I split with my ex of a year a number of months ago, and found out afterwards that a few moths before we split he had been on pof and been on dates, there was me thinking our relationship was fine and he was doing that behind my back.

I realise i sound about 16, but I want to ask him about this. I can't actually believe I've resisted the urge to text him so far, but anyway, what is the best approach? Hold fire and watch? Just be upfront and lay my cards on the table?

I am so gutted really, it seemed I'd found a really good guy, ticked ALL the boxes, and now this. It could be sweet shop syndrome, but I haven't succumbed to it, and there are a lot of 'would like to meet you' s in my inbox......shit. What to do?

Sorry it's rambling.......

HumblePieMonster Mon 21-Jul-14 07:03:45

You don't sound 16, you sound normal!
What to do depends really on what you want.
If it has to be an exclusive relationship, you need to tell him so, tell him you've seen him on pof and that you want an arrangement where you both leave pof for now.
I don't think you can dictate to him. Just tell him what you need and let him make his choice.

louby44 Mon 21-Jul-14 07:05:12

No you're not rambling and I totally agree.

I've seen a guy 3 times now and he's told me how wonderful I am, how attractive, intelligent etc etc, told me he hasn't been on POF since he met me, how he's not looking etc. I have not said this. I've seen him 3 times and have no intention of becoming exclusive - not even sure about him yet. I still go on POF daily.

He's been online at least twice that I've seen! Which is absolutely fine, but why say you're not going on there when you clearly are!

But after a month and if the relationship has moved on in the bedroom then I too wouldn't be happy!

I think you need to have the talk and find out what's going on!

LineRunner Mon 21-Jul-14 07:07:03

Just tell him in a calm and friendly way that you were on pof, and you saw him on pof, and that you realised that you wanted neither of you to be on pof.

jaynebxl Mon 21-Jul-14 07:10:54

Linerunner that's a great suggestion.

oncetwice Mon 21-Jul-14 07:25:03

I do want an exclusive relationship, and by his simple 'why?' at the beginning when I said I'd looked on there I assumed he did too. I know things change as time goes on, but I felt we were really close yesterday, so this is a real kick in the guts.

It's best not to assume, is the lesson to learn here I suppose. Hard as it will be without sounding like a stalker I will ask him, it's going to drive me mad otherwise. keep looking on there now hoping he was on there to delete his profile...what a bloody fool I am, of course he wasn't. I'll keep it light and direct, I don't want to be messed about and it's going to churn me up all day until I do speak about it to him so I need to be brave for my own sanity,

Thanks ladies.

jaynebxl Mon 21-Jul-14 07:35:30

Stop looking on there til you have had chance to talk to him. He might be wondering why on earth you're on there so long too! When will you see him again face to face?

oncetwice Mon 21-Jul-14 07:50:58

No I'm not logged in. You can search without logging in for a few pages. Area, age etc. I wasn't stalking him, he's the same age as my ex so when I narrowed the search down to stalk my ex (lol) up popped current guy on the pages.

I'll possibly see him tonight, I said I'd cook, but we definitely agreed tomorrow evening if not tonight. I hope it is tonight, not that I want to cook then come out with that speech, but i know I'll be checking pof all night or assuming he's on a date if he's not on there tonight if I don't see him.

oncetwice Mon 21-Jul-14 08:04:09

He introduced me to his neighbour as his 'other half' yesterday, I was stupidly thrilled (inside). A few hours later he's online looking at other women. What is it all about eh?

hamptoncourt Mon 21-Jul-14 08:47:58

I am more concerned that you say you really like this new man, but you are still stalking your ex.

Offred Mon 21-Jul-14 08:51:45

You were both on POF. Just agree to stop going on POF he probably thought it was ok because you were still going on. Stop stalking your ex.

NotNewButNameChanged Mon 21-Jul-14 08:53:49

Throwing something out there that I know an awful lot of people will cry "bullshit" too but when I was online dating I had a POF profile and I actually spent quite a bit of time on the forums. I wasn't checking out profiles at all but using the forums.

This was, of course, before I discovered MN and now wouldn't go anywhere else for forums.

oncetwice Mon 21-Jul-14 10:29:16

When I say stalking I was trying to be funny, it was more idle curiosity as ex had been on there 24/7 and I wondered if he still was, that was all.

From the day we met new man hadn't been on there, his profile said not been online within the last 30 days, as does mine.

It is possible to have a brief search without logging on, which is what I did. So I would not have appeared to be online, mine still says not been on within the last 30 days, just to clarify. So it's not as if he thinks I'm online so its ok if we both are.

MeridithMcMilan Mon 21-Jul-14 11:23:15

I'm on POF and recently had a reply from a guy I'd messaged a while back. He apologised for not contacting me sooner, but he'd been seeing someone for a while and it was going well. I replied asking why he was still on the site and messaging me. He replied "I'm just fussy, I suppose. Can you send another photo and I'll send you something in return" tosser

I told him to grow up and blocked him.

You just never know.

Maybe you'll find out your guys a tosser too, or maybe not. Just make yourself the priority whatever the outcome.

oncetwice Mon 21-Jul-14 13:34:57

He did tell me he'd arranged to meet someone after me, but once he met me he just left it. Maybe he's re arranged that then, who knows? Why do these guys treat women as if they are commodities to pick up and put down, with no feelings at all?

I'm so tempted to ring him, but I want to see how it plays out. we had a definite arrangement for tomorrow evening, so maybe I should pick my moment. I also want to ask him face to face.

LittleLadyFooFoo Mon 21-Jul-14 13:42:11

I posted recently about something similar. Be honest with him. Ask him face to face. Good luck.

oncetwice Mon 21-Jul-14 13:48:39

Thanks. I remember your thread, but can't recall your guy's 'reason' for browsing? Just wondering if this guy will end it with me or have a 'reason' or who knows what.

LittleLadyFooFoo Mon 21-Jul-14 13:52:33

My guy had messages in his email inbox so he logged on to read them. He looked at their profile. He had no intention of meeting anyone and once we chatted he deleted his profile.

redundantandbitter Mon 21-Jul-14 13:53:08

Interesting one this.

Firstly- why you stalking the ex?

Secondly I've been on POF for a week. Got chatting to 3 guys and ended up arranging 3 dates.

Decided I liked one more than the others so went back onto POF to send the other 2 blokes a nicely worded 'sorry'. And then I logged on as they both responded. And then I went back on to hide my profile.

So it could look like I've still been cruising profiles - so I told my date I'd hided my profile . Quite frankly all the shite
Messages were clogging up my inbox and I can only concentrate one one bloke at a time

Your BF may have a good excuse. But what will you say if your BF asks you what you were doing on there. "Stalking"?

oncetwice Mon 21-Jul-14 14:03:04

I wasn't really stalking the ex, more being nosey, as I said up thread. Yes I have considered the events you've posted, it could be something like that, I hope it is, but he was on there for at least an hour last night and it doesn't take that long to read a few messages. I hope I am wrong.

I'm going to say I went on there to delete my profile, (which I would love to do and we did mention it within the first few days but i didn't want to bring it up again in case I seemed too keen), and then I saw his picture pop up so I knew he was online. That's about all I can say isn't it?

oncetwice Mon 21-Jul-14 14:04:21

Foofoo I hope I get the same response from this guy when I bring it up. Glad it worked out well for you.

NotNewButNameChanged Mon 21-Jul-14 14:07:14

Oncetwice said "Why do these guys treat women as if they are commodities to pick up and put down, with no feelings at all?"

Can I just say, that, as a man who did online dating, that are plenty of women who do that, too. It's not gender exclusive, although I am prepared to believe the men do it more often.

Natalie98 Mon 21-Jul-14 14:37:02

I'd feel uncomfortable with a guy I'd met after a few months still looking, or appear to be looking too. I'd make it clear that I've suspended my profile while I see "how we went" and I'd expect the other partner to do the same.

avoiretre Mon 21-Jul-14 14:49:31

PoF is pretty much a site for finding so strings fun. It's not unusual for men to look for other women while seeing woman from the site.

avoiretre Mon 21-Jul-14 14:53:12

no strings fun I meant!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now