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What is wrong with me????!!!

(17 Posts)
Thatslife72 Sun 20-Jul-14 21:57:14

I've had some crap relationships, but I have found someone who I really get on with, makes me laugh, good with the kids, has kids the same age as mine, we go away for weekends holidays with and without the kids etc. the sex is great etc but I'm not happy , sometimes I am but no I'm really not. I think it's partly because I don't see him that much, his family don't really bother with me that much his friends aren't really that nice to me. He still likes going out/away with the lads a lot and it's just having a toll on things. But I don't know if I'm being stupid as the connection we have is the best I've ever had but I feel so down, what do I do?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jul-14 22:01:38

It may be the best you've ever had but it seems to come with a lot of nasty stuff attached. If you feel let down by someone else's attitude, friend, family etc why wonder if there's something wrong with you? Just end it and move on to something better. Keep that bar high....

Thatslife72 Sun 20-Jul-14 22:10:07

I suppose I just find it hard to breakaway because I do love him, the kids will be upset too and I'm just thinking am I being over sensitive or something there's just an imbalance with things maybe really hard to explain everything on here, there's just something not right and it will go away for a while and then I start feeling like this again I've been in tears tonight and I'm just really cross with myself as he's not really done anything wrong !

Opinionated7 Sun 20-Jul-14 22:18:05

It doesn't matter what his friends and family think of you!

You're right in saying he has done nothing wrong, because from what you say he hasn't, he can't control how his friends act around you or how his family does.

If you speak to him about wanting to see him more often then he should compromise some of the going out with his mates stuff as that's what it's about.

Why the fuck would you end it just because he still sees his friends, that would just be completely mental.

Thatslife72 Sun 20-Jul-14 22:27:17

Oh it would be mental to end it because he wants to see his friends of course, I like seeing my friends it's not about that really it's just lots of little things building up and I'm getting to the stage I want a bit more commitment I suppose and he can't give me that yet! I do get on with his family when I see them it's not that they don't like me I don't think they just don't bother they don't invite me to things or include me and sometimes it bothers me, we ve had a few jealousy issues with a friend of his I suppose it all takes it's toll. Maybe I will be ok again next week who knows just don't like feeling like this !!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jul-14 22:29:41

If he's a nice guy but if he prioritises friends over you, and allows those same friends and family to treat you badly, then he's really not all that nice. No-one likes to think they are second or third place in their partner's life and, if he does nothing else, he should be showing you some loyalty.

I don't think that's oversensitive.

Thatslife72 Sun 20-Jul-14 22:40:03

Hmmm I don't know I'm just feeling miserable been a few things lately !

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jul-14 22:47:40

You were pretty specific about what it is that makes you unhappy about this relationship. You've been in tears. If you're already rationalising it away as 'just feeling miserable' then you won't be assertive with him & those same things will roll on unchanged.

Do you ever put your foot down and say no to the lads' weekends? No idea what the 'jealousy issues' are.... you're jealous? he's jealous? his friend is jealous? Has it been properly addressed? And if his family leave you out of invitations to events, does he stick up for you? Refuse to attend without you?

Be assertive.

AdorableAbbie Sun 20-Jul-14 22:52:57

Maybe you can let him know how you feel and help you sort things out. Good communication, trust and respect are vital to a good relationship. You need to be transparent as well so both would understand where the other is coming from. There should be no room for pretenses as it may be tantamount to lying. Being truthful will do you more good than harm. But of course, how it is delivered will matter most....
...just crossed my mind tho', are you nearing your period? sometimes, my sensitivity and being too emotional, yeah even to the point of crying over something petty, is triggered when my period is coming smile

Opinionated7 Sun 20-Jul-14 22:56:35

Say no to lads weekends?!

How many women on here talk about their partner controlling them and you are asking if she ever tells him he can't do something?

Speak to him about how you are feeling, honesty is the best policy, tell him you are wanting to see him more often.

Not everyones feelings perfectly align and it sounds like you feel more strongly about him than he does about you at the minute, that's not to say he won't feel the same as you ever.

Best thing you can do is voice your concerns and see how he reacts.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jul-14 23:02:24

"How many women on here talk about their partner controlling them and you are asking if she ever tells him he can't do something?"

I'm asking her to be assertive. Demand to be top priority in this guy's life occasionally rather than someone he finds a bit of time for when it suits.

Thatslife72 Sun 20-Jul-14 23:03:49

Adorable lol no my period isn't due but my kids are going away with their dad Tuesday so a bit down about that too so it could contributing!

He has toned down the lads thing quite a bit since being with him, and I don't mind sometimes I don't really like them going to clubs and strip clubs that sort of thing really. His friend was funny with me because he didn't go out as much and was seeing me more, just digs and a bit of rudeness my dp has backed off from this guy now as he noticed it himself, but he is part of a big group of his mates so it's all difficult. I think his family don't invite me cos they're used to my dp going to things on his own they kind of forget I exist so I feel excluded sometimes and it adds to the wanting commitment thing! Which he knows about but it's not possible yet . I think things like I have no family of my own here doesn't help he doesn't really get how hard that is sometimes and little digs about me not knowing many people round here which I don't I've lived here in this town for 3 years I do have friends but not many I guess and no I don't know many people wereas he has lived in his town all his life and knows everyone he thinks everyone should be like that and I think it makes me feel bad about myself too! I'm probably not making sense but it's helping just to write it down really!

Opinionated7 Sun 20-Jul-14 23:17:15

So he has toned down the nights out and such so there is some sort of balance? I don't see what else he can do other than not go out anymore at all. He has already prioritised you.

With the family invitations, sometimes people get invited and expect people to be bringing their other halves rather than actually ask 'are you and X coming to Y' they'd say 'are you coming to Y', with the you being collective.

Telling him he can't do something isn't assertive, it's controlling.

Why is it not possible for him to commit more?

Thatslife72 Sun 20-Jul-14 23:24:03

We went to a local party in the park thing at the weekend in my town I think what upset me a bit was his comment that he was surprised I didn't know anyone that was there or going, I spotted a few parents from the kids school but there was no one I knew or even recognised really, he knew a few faces I think. Then today he was running off to some other thing to do with his nephew and was taking the kids as he knew lots of people there. I know it sounds stupid but the comment then the running off and the fact me and my kids weren't invited along all added to a few other things that has been going on. I know it sounds nothing but it just upset me moan moan moan!!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jul-14 23:37:28

It doesn't sound like nothing if you feel excluded

Thatslife72 Sun 20-Jul-14 23:46:22

Well at the end of the day you can't help the way you feel can you, different thinks upset different people what one person thinks is nothing someone else would thing was awful. I guess I'm feeling a bit lonely too which is adding to it, but I'm sorting that got some things planned with friends etc so I'm pulling myself out of it . I'm just going to back off from him for a few days and sort my own head out first . Thanks though cogito I do wish I was less sensitive sometimes though!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 21-Jul-14 07:48:17

You are who you are. Someone who chooses to be with you should love you for being who you are. You can certainly do things to boost your confidence and reduce your insecurity, and if that includes increasing your social circle and being more engaged in your community then that's something to think about. But always be assertive within a relationship. Never be frightened to say what would make you happy or, conversely, what's pissing you off.

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