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DH in occasional contact with OW - how to cope

(472 Posts)
holdtight Sun 20-Jul-14 20:29:05

Hi MN. I have posted previously about my DH's affair/disclosure and what I have perceived to be marital progress to a better place. Since we decided to try again, I have seen emails to but mainly from ow to dh saying how much she misses him. Most of the time he responds to say he is sorry but he is trying with his marriage. I've also found out they have been to two of the same functions outside of work together and spoke once on the phone. I confronted him with the emails and he told me he still thinks about ow.

I've checked emails again this weekend for first time in a couple of months and there is one from her asking how he is and saying she misses him he has AGAIN replied saying that things are okay and he is getting on. She replies again saying she can meet up anytime and he has not replied (a month ago) as far as I can see.

Everything else is going good and much better than before. Is it unrealistic of me to think ow would just disappear? And that dh would be able to let go 100% after a one year affair?

MeridithMcMilan Sun 20-Jul-14 20:44:47

Why doesn't he block her?

Fairylea Sun 20-Jul-14 20:45:55

He must block her and blank her completely if you have any chance at this. Anything less than that is completely unreasonable.

CanaryYellow Sun 20-Jul-14 20:47:47

He's not trying that hard to prove that he's trustworthy, is he?

queenofthepirates Sun 20-Jul-14 20:48:50

Does his behaviour make you likely to trust him? If not, perhaps you need to explain that he needs to work on rebuilding trust and by replying to emails, that's not happening. I believe that a total cutting of contact with the OW is the normal prerequisite for rebuilding a marriage after an affair.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 20-Jul-14 20:49:20

He still thinks about her and is still in contact. I wouldn't say that was trying.

tribpot Sun 20-Jul-14 20:51:01

I agree - he should block contact but more importantly he should have told you that they were at the same (work?) social occasions and that they've spoken on the phone.

He needs to be completely honest with you, and it doesn't sound like he has been. Why does he reply to her emails? Why doesn't he state that she is not to contact him again? But most importantly, why have you had to discover this continued contact instead of him disclosing it to you at the time? Hasn't he learnt his lesson about honesty and transparency?

upnotdown Sun 20-Jul-14 21:00:20

How long since you found out about the affair?

magoria Sun 20-Jul-14 21:02:24

He is getting a nice ego trip of this poor sap chasing him and not letting go with minimal to zero input from him.

If he didn't want this stroking (even if he has no plans to do anything) he would have no problem or hesitation blocking her.

He is seriously disrespecting you by still keeping things from you.

holdtight Sun 20-Jul-14 21:02:25

Yes it is making me hard to trust him. I have had it out with him once when I found messages from him shortly after the disclosure saying he missed her and wanted to talk. The tone of the messages has certainly changed in that now it is more her pursuing him. I'd still rather no-one was pursuing anyone. Just when I thought we were getting back on track.

holdtight Sun 20-Jul-14 21:04:23

upnotdown - 9 months ago

CurtWild Sun 20-Jul-14 21:05:10

holdtight I remember your previous thread. You said there that your bottom line was him not being in any contact with OW. He's still in contact with her. Why are you still 'trying' with your marriage when he's clearly still not trustworthy?

BuzzardBird Sun 20-Jul-14 21:06:00

You are not "getting back on track" because she should have no point of access. He is still allowing access. He is not commited to your relationship.

Ludways Sun 20-Jul-14 21:06:34

Bring in contact would be a massive deal breaker for me. That's keeping her warm waiting to see if it works with you.

CanaryYellow Sun 20-Jul-14 21:06:40

I'd agree with magoria. It would be so easy for him to block her. At the very least he should be disclosing to you every single contact from or with her.

He's either loving the ego stroke or keeping her on the back burner in case things don't work out with you.

holdtight Sun 20-Jul-14 21:10:51

Is it keeping her warm/back burner if it is her who is instigating the contact now?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 20-Jul-14 21:12:04

You aren't getting back on track because he's still lying to you. He's still thinking about her and is making contact, regardless of who emailed who. He isn't committed to your marriage.

CanaryYellow Sun 20-Jul-14 21:17:45

Yes it is keeping her on the back burner.

What he should do is tell her he's committed to making his marriage work and tell her never to contact him again. Block her e-mail and phone number. Leave her in no doubt that it's over between them.

Baddderz Sun 20-Jul-14 21:20:09

Everything Else is "much better than before"?
Even though he is still in contact with this woman?
Before he cheated on you and lied to you?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 20-Jul-14 21:20:38

It will be an ego boost, two women after him. I'd kick him out personally.

CurtWild Sun 20-Jul-14 21:21:21

No contact means just that. He can block her emails but he chooses not to. Why? Because he hasn't gone NC and he's left her an 'in'.

He didn't tell you he'd socialised with her twice through work. Why? Because he knew you'd (rightly) have an issue with him going if you knew, and he wanted to go.

Both are unacceptable when you're trying to get back on track. Both mean you still can't trust him.

BuzzardBird Sun 20-Jul-14 21:28:37

He is instigating it by allowing the means for her to contact him. Wake up Op, he is taking you for a fool

I think it certainly means that, as a minimum, he either still has some feelings for her or doesn't want to hurt her by cutting her off completely.

JohnFarleysRuskin Sun 20-Jul-14 21:38:55

You poor thing thanks

Of course he is behaving like a cunt, you know it.

They went to two functions out of work together - so he lied by omission about it - I imagine this wasn't part of the conditions of staying together.

BloodontheTracks Sun 20-Jul-14 21:39:02

holdtight i remember your threads and I remember you being asked very specifically what your new bottom line was going to be and being asked to write it down. Why are you still caught in exactly the same situation, This is unbearable. I'm so sorry it's so painful but really WHAT IS YOUR BOTTOM LINE? What have you told him? Is it unreasonable to ask him to tell you if he ever contacts OW again? no. It is entirely up to you to demand whatever you need to make your marriage worthwhile for you and trusting. If he agrees to that and then breaks it you HAVE to have a consequence. It's just awful watching you struggle like this. Make a demand and write down a bottom line and STICK TO IT.

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