I would like to get some outside opinions on an issue which is causing some tension...
I have been seeing someone new for a few months and really like him, we feel we are well suited and we already both want the relationship to be serious, are on the same page with what we want in life, but I have some concerns about money.
I have a professional job and am fairly comfortable financially although I am quite junior in my career and far from loaded. I am trying to be quite careful with my money to save up to buy a flat. My bf is still studying and works in part time jobs to cover his costs. He is from another country and was apparently also getting money from his parents.
The issue is he now he has asked me a couple of times to give or lend him money and I feel uncomfortable with it.
The first time he did this I felt very very angry about it. Not sure why I reacted so badly to it but I felt a bit used or like he might be taking me for a mug. I said no and basically told him I was upset that he asked but he didn't see my point of view at all. I told a couple of friends and they agreed with me that they would be shocked if a new boyfriend started asking for money. I wondered if it is maybe a cultural difference as it might be more normal to ask for money in the country he is from...
His reasoning was we should want to help each other and should see ourselves as one unit. He is kind and caring and does go out if his way to help me for example he bought me some sports kit I needed, gives me massages, has cooked me nice meals etc... (I also do similar for him so that isn't one sided). However I think it's far too early to be a financial unit, when I am the only one who is actually bringing any money in and I just feel that I don't want to support him financially. I strongly feel that I want us to contribute equally, however am I being unfair and unrealistic as we don't earn equally? He will be training for a good career over the next year so does have decent prospects and hopefully we would eventually both be on good salaries.
Other than this one thing, I don't have any worries about the relationship and I see a future together so I don't know if I'm being silly, as if we eventually get married our money will merge anyway.
Hypothetically if I was on maternity leave or something and earning much less for a while, I would want my partner to want to support me, so should I see this next year where he is studying his professional exams as something similar where he needs short term support?
Is it me or him in the wrong? Am I being unfair by being suspicious? I have been badly hurt in the past and I think I am finding it hard to let my guard down. I don't want to lose him by being too defensive and wary but also don't want to be taken for a fool.
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Relationships
Money issue in a new relationship
RainbowB7 · 20/07/2014 18:48
He argued with you because you said no to a loan? 
Sorry love, he thinks you're a meal-ticket. BTW how did you meet him & what is your professional job?
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A few months?? And it was a couple of times? Too early to be borrowing money, tbh.
And frankly, it would have been a major turn off for me at that early stage in a relationship. When I started going out with DH, I had a very well paid job and he had an erratic, badly paid job. He lived in a squat.
But he was brilliant with what little money he had, and refused to live beyond his means. I did my bit by never expecting him to wine and dine me more than he could afford and always paid my way. He never asked me for a penny and despite his poverty, was never in debt. I was pretty impressed by this. Bit of a turn ON actually! 
Many many years later, we are fine and its mainly because of his financial prudence. He remains great with saving and investing.
So for me, I knew that his attitude towards money boded well for our future - and so it has. But your guy's attitude towards money does not bode quite so well. Why should you see yourselves as one unit? You don't seem to be living together (nor should you be, tbh).
Btw, what was he asking for the loans for?
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