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Money issue in a new relationship

(212 Posts)
RainbowB7 Sun 20-Jul-14 18:48:08

I would like to get some outside opinions on an issue which is causing some tension...

I have been seeing someone new for a few months and really like him, we feel we are well suited and we already both want the relationship to be serious, are on the same page with what we want in life, but I have some concerns about money.

I have a professional job and am fairly comfortable financially although I am quite junior in my career and far from loaded. I am trying to be quite careful with my money to save up to buy a flat. My bf is still studying and works in part time jobs to cover his costs. He is from another country and was apparently also getting money from his parents.

The issue is he now he has asked me a couple of times to give or lend him money and I feel uncomfortable with it.

The first time he did this I felt very very angry about it. Not sure why I reacted so badly to it but I felt a bit used or like he might be taking me for a mug. I said no and basically told him I was upset that he asked but he didn't see my point of view at all. I told a couple of friends and they agreed with me that they would be shocked if a new boyfriend started asking for money. I wondered if it is maybe a cultural difference as it might be more normal to ask for money in the country he is from...

His reasoning was we should want to help each other and should see ourselves as one unit. He is kind and caring and does go out if his way to help me for example he bought me some sports kit I needed, gives me massages, has cooked me nice meals etc... (I also do similar for him so that isn't one sided). However I think it's far too early to be a financial unit, when I am the only one who is actually bringing any money in and I just feel that I don't want to support him financially. I strongly feel that I want us to contribute equally, however am I being unfair and unrealistic as we don't earn equally? He will be training for a good career over the next year so does have decent prospects and hopefully we would eventually both be on good salaries.

Other than this one thing, I don't have any worries about the relationship and I see a future together so I don't know if I'm being silly, as if we eventually get married our money will merge anyway.

Hypothetically if I was on maternity leave or something and earning much less for a while, I would want my partner to want to support me, so should I see this next year where he is studying his professional exams as something similar where he needs short term support?

Is it me or him in the wrong? Am I being unfair by being suspicious? I have been badly hurt in the past and I think I am finding it hard to let my guard down. I don't want to lose him by being too defensive and wary but also don't want to be taken for a fool.

JeanSeberg Sun 20-Jul-14 18:50:24

He's taking the piss after only a few months of dating.

How much did he ask for and what did he claim he needed it for?

RainbowB7 Sun 20-Jul-14 18:50:52

To clarify, it's fairly large amounts he wants e.g. Most recent request is £200 as he says he is short on his rent. It's not just borrowing a tenner here and there!

Saltedcaramel2014 Sun 20-Jul-14 18:51:52

How many months? I think it's relevant

JenniferJo Sun 20-Jul-14 18:52:48

Far too early in the relationship to look on finances as joint. To be honest I'd have finished the relationship the first time he asked to borrow money. You know you wouldn't get it back, don't you?

grandmainmypocket Sun 20-Jul-14 18:53:38

Trust your instincts. He's taking you for a mug. Massages and cooking are not in the same league as asking for £200.
Good luck.

RainbowB7 Sun 20-Jul-14 18:54:37

3 months

My previous boyfriend asked me for £3,000 for his business venture so I'm wondering if I have mug written on my forehead... (I said no to him too!) Its not like I flash my cash so I don't understand why people are trying to treat me as the local ATM

Saltedcaramel2014 Sun 20-Jul-14 18:54:38

What gives me the impression it's wrong is that you feel uncomfortable about it and he's still asking. Either he's not picking up on your signals or he is and doesn't care..? Sorry if that sounds blunt

MirandaWest Sun 20-Jul-14 18:55:13

Much too early - you are in no way a joint financial unit and it is very cheeky of him to have asked.

vickibee Sun 20-Jul-14 18:55:16

If he is your soul mate and you see yourselves having kids together then sharing is part of a relationship. When I met my husband he was down on his luck and I supported home while he got back on his feet. He started a self employed business that took a while to get going.

Saltedcaramel2014 Sun 20-Jul-14 18:55:37

3 months - no way. This is not ok

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jul-14 18:56:57

He's taking the piss. Nothing to do with another culture at all. You've only been seeing him five minutes and already you're thinking of marriage? Keep your wallet zipped.

RainbowB7 Sun 20-Jul-14 18:57:48

There is no way he can have missed my signals the first time he asked. We had an argument about it but he basically didn't acknowledge he had done anything wrong by asking and seemed to think I was overreacting.

Now that I look back at the message from the current request he hadn't actually asked he has said "I need you to lend me..."

Roseflowers Sun 20-Jul-14 18:58:15

Three months?! I can see why you'd be uncomfortable with that, you're definitely not in the wrong to feel that way! What was his response when you refused?

Lovingfreedom Sun 20-Jul-14 18:59:14

He sounds like a scrounger...be careful

RainbowB7 Sun 20-Jul-14 18:59:28

Cogito I am not actually thinking of marriage, was just pondering hypothetically. We do talk about being married and having kids. I kind of feel what's the point of a relationship if you don't want to plan for the future, but it's not as if I will be rushing into doing it!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jul-14 18:59:46

He argued with you because you said no to a loan? hmm Sorry love, he thinks you're a meal-ticket. BTW how did you meet him & what is your professional job?

expatinscotland Sun 20-Jul-14 19:00:09

After three months? Run.

No such thing as a 'soulmate'.

Yep, warning bells, definitely.

I'd get out if it were me, TBH, but if you don't want to, it'd be perfectly normal just to tell him you understand he feels comfortable with shared finances but at this stage in the relationship, you don't.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jul-14 19:00:54

" We do talk about being married and having kids. "

He's playing the long con. 'I love you and can see us being married one day.... therefore..... if I'm a permanent fixture, it's right for you to give me money'

Run

Fairylea Sun 20-Jul-14 19:01:01

Absolutely not okay.

I'd never lend someone money so early in a relationship unless it was literally a fiver for a train home or something! £200 for a late rent payment is ridiculous! Doesn't bode well for long term either if he can't manage his money well either.

TheHouseatWhoCorner Sun 20-Jul-14 19:01:06

No way. He is either mis-managing his income, or just chancing his arm.
When he asks, does he have a proposal how he will pay you back?

He's taking the mickey regardless of where he comes from. This is nothing to do with cultural differences and if he is short on rent that's his problem. I would also think he has not paid back the original amount either.

Do you really see a future with this man if there are such issues only three months in?. I would seriously consider whether there is a future in this at all.

heyday Sun 20-Jul-14 19:04:08

Yes, I would be very cautious. Perhaps next time if he asks for a small amount, give him the benefit of the doubt, lend it to him and see if he repays it.
It is far too early to be asking to borrow large amounts of money especially as he has limited means with which to repay you with.
He could be a con artist or he could be a very genuine bloke but only time will tell. I would certainly keep my purse zipped up and would not be prepared at this stage to lend anything other than very small amounts.

Davidtennantmistress Sun 20-Jul-14 19:04:22

God for that comment alone I'd show him the door, you don't need to do anything! Honestly get rid of the waste of space.

By saying that it's a clear lack of respect, I can and have demanded my brother ask me properly ie will you please do x y z instead of telling me I need to do x y z to fit in.

Completely presumptuous and rude!

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