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Dont know if it is me or him.

(33 Posts)
BurgaQueen Sun 20-Jul-14 16:46:39

Hi Mumsnetters, would like some feedback on some of the things going on in my relationship.

I have been with dp for four years. Two of these years is us in a 'proper' relationship, prior to that we were just seeing each other.

He is a very laid back, untalkative person. He is not great at communication and likes to keep his business/problems to himself. I on the other hand like to talk things out, share info etc.
He is very matter of fact/black and white/ doesnt admit when he is in the wrong.

My childhood was not very secure. I moved over ten times and went to even more different schools. My mother had lots of men in and out of our life. I have had more people (including family members) in and out my life then I can count (mostly men). This has resulted in two things, 1: me coming across a certain way to new people (different topic) and 2: feeling insecure.

Right now I do not feel secure in the relationship. We are planning to have children and he has says marriage and old age is in the future (not sure when marriage will happen). However I just don't feel secure in the relationship. I live in his home so I do not feel secure there and look for plan b's such as places to live, jobs abroad 'just incase'. I do not have any family and nowhere to turn to if things did go tits up.

He is so matter of fact and he does tell me he loves me but theres no wild declarations of love or 'you are the most important person to me' or 'you are the only one for me' etc. He thinks these are lies men tell. If I say why dont you say something like theres no one else out there for you etc he will say well theres 2 million women in London if we break up I won't be single forever and neither will you. Are you telling me you would be single for ever?

Or the old saying 'I would die without you' he would say well no I wouldn't die I would be upset but I would move on.

I feel if we broke up he would not be that bothered. When I have said this he gets angry and says he doesnt understand why I think that.

We have been arguing the past few weeks due to me feeling that I am not his priority for eg booking a holiday with his friends before our holiday, or going to a bbq with someone at work and not inviting me but taking his brother. He got really angry and said I am his priority but I should expect to be THE PRIORITY.

We haven't argued this week because I have tried not to complain. It is not like he has done anything majorly wrong and tbh he is a great partner generous, affection, kind but I just don't feel secure.

I dont know if its him or me?

Thanks for getting through that if you did x

hamptoncourt Sun 20-Jul-14 16:51:30

I hate to say this, but he's just not that into you.

The only point I agree with him on is that of course he would not die without you, or vice versa. Other than that he sounds like he is giving you crumbs and treating you in a less than manner.

No way would I have children with this man. It sounds like you will do until something better comes along. You are clinging to him because you are so afraid of being alone.

Counselling might help you?

Or Baggage Reclaim

BurgaQueen Sun 20-Jul-14 16:52:55

hampton thank you.I have said the same that he is waiting until something better to come along and then he gets angry and says why would I planned to have children with you and move in with you.

I am going to have counselling definately. Thank you.

lurkernowposter Sun 20-Jul-14 16:55:08

If you don't feel secure in your relationship are you sure planing to have children with him is such a good idea? Unless your happy to bring them up on your own of course.

heyday Sun 20-Jul-14 16:59:21

Problems are rarely just down to one person, as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. Your partner is who he is and you are well aware of the differences in your personalities. He is almost certainly not going to change so either you have to leave the relationship or you have to change the way you are coping with the relationship otherwise you will become very unhappy indeed.
He cannot see your point of view because he does not understand the emotion or where you are coming from. He loves and cares for you but there will be no earth shattering declaration of love, you will simply have to be content to know that he loves and cares for you as he is not going to verbalise these feelings to you.
Personally, I think it would be a disaster to have children together at the moment. You need to resolve some of your past hurt and insecurity before you can even contemplate that idea.
It can be desperately insecure to be living in someone else's home especially once you have children and I really think you need to find a home that belongs, in some way (either bought or renting) that you both have entitlement to.
Your partner is highly unlikely to change, you know that. Can you get some counselling to help you deal with your insecurity or can you find the courage to leave. I think the ball is in your court really. I wish you well.

BurgaQueen Sun 20-Jul-14 16:59:23

Planning for the future,right now it is not likely.

MiniTheMinx Sun 20-Jul-14 17:00:51

I am going to disagree with previous poster. He sounds like a laid back, pragmatic type that speaks his mind the way he sees things. He is right, there are millions of other women, and no one will die etc,.. He is right too, lots of men say sweet and lovely things to manipulate, others say these things because it is what they are thinking at the time, irrespective of whether they think the same five minutes later. Some may thing quite genuinely that they really love you and they might think its worth the effort to wrap this up in flowery declarations because it will please you to hear it.

I think what you have, sounds fairly secure, he sounds honest at least. However, he isn't what you need is he, because he can never make you feel secure.

BurgaQueen Sun 20-Jul-14 17:01:37

Heyday,
If I moved out of the house and rented then it would be going a step back. We aren't planning to buy a home together until next year. I suppose then I will feel that it will be 'home' and can relax. Thanks for your comments. It makes sense.

BurgaQueen Sun 20-Jul-14 17:02:50

Mini so do you feel based on what I said that I would need a man who will tell me those things to make me feel secure.

Floundering Sun 20-Jul-14 17:03:51

God he sounds like my ex,please don't have kids with him, it will eat away at your soul & self confidence to be with someone so indifferent like that.

I agree some counselling to boost you self confidence & self esteem would be great .....but give yourself credit for recognising red flags & not being willing to go along with the staus quo.

Tinks42 Sun 20-Jul-14 17:07:49

Sorry to say this OP but this man will never ever make you feel secure, whether you get a house together or not. Your self esteem will continue to shrink and shrink, arguments will get worse.

If a man doesn't enhance your life and make you feel loved, secure and adored then he IS NOT the right man for you.

scarletforya Sun 20-Jul-14 17:09:41

You don't sound suited. He's an introvert and you're sensitive and need reassurance/communication.

This guy will starve you emotionally and you will suffer the whole time you're with him.

BurgaQueen Sun 20-Jul-14 17:10:32

I think it is me then from these comments. A more secure person wouldnt be feeling like this and would prob be happy to be with him. As for the self esteem I guess thats right. He finds it hard to give compliments which can make you feel ugly.
sad

heyday Sun 20-Jul-14 17:10:49

At the end if the day we have to be secure within ourself, someone can declare undying love every day but it doesn't mean they will not hurt us or leave us. This man is quite honest and does not go out of his way to hurt you, perhaps he could teach you some of his ways to be more self assured and confident. Start loving yourself, value who you are and as much as affirmation is, tell yourself everyday that you are a good person and perhaps you will not need him to confirm this, you will just simply believe that you are loved and cared for.
If you are planning to buy a place next year then perhaps deal with that major hurdle first and maybe you will feel just a tiny bit more secure. One step at a time eh?

MiniTheMinx Sun 20-Jul-14 17:11:40

Yes, I do. I once had a friend who was as happy as a pig in muck. Her and her ever so romantic, articulate and affectionate DH spent all day saying how much they loved each other. Every sentence was started with "Darling" or "Snugglebum" or some other. They couldn't bare to be apart, they held hands and gazed at each other. Even in a crowd or with their dcs, the focus of attention was always on each other. He was so romantic and charming and she was so happy. He was actually a complete bastard, she worked it out eventually. After thousands of debt, affairs, beatings...

You see, words cost nothing, but some people need to hear them in order to feel secure. Of course the declarations might be based on bullshit.

EveMarieSaint Sun 20-Jul-14 17:13:12

Does he have aspergers? He seems to take things very literally.

Tinks42 Sun 20-Jul-14 17:13:26

Oh forgot to say why I know this. I was with a guy like yours for 4 years, he was very dutiful etc. but I never felt loved. Our arguments were always about the way he made me feel. He ended it, I met someone else, he turned on the charm and tried to get me back, I gave in and said ok then. The same week he met someone on POF and told me he'd now moved on. 5 months later he had moved in with her, they've since bought a property together by the sea.

I have to admit that he just wasn't into me and I feel the same about this guy you are with.

BurgaQueen Sun 20-Jul-14 17:15:22

Eve yes I have wondered about the aspergers before and he also has said it to me.
His dad is exactly the same. Doesn't talk much and quite closed. Very literal.
That is why I don't know whether hes 'just not into me' or thats just how he is iyswim?

BurgaQueen Sun 20-Jul-14 17:16:11

Tinks sorry to hear about that relationship. Did you just have that gut feeling?

MiniTheMinx Sun 20-Jul-14 17:16:51

You aren't a good match, if you can not understand and respond to each other's needs. He needs to meet you half way and realise that you need his validation and respect, his help and patience to work on your self esteem. You need to meet him half way and understand that the pragmatic way in which he communicates his feelings are not necessarily a sign that he cares less. Just because he doesn't have the poetic words of Don Juan doesn't mean he won't stand by your side through thick and thin.

EveMarieSaint Sun 20-Jul-14 17:18:16

My guess would be that it's just how he is. Maybe he loves you to pieces but isn't able to articulate it. However, that doesn't mean that you should be okay with his behaviour. It just means he isn't necessarily a dick.

Tinks42 Sun 20-Jul-14 17:20:51

Like your guy he just never seemed to put me first, I fitted in. The only time he was loving was between the sheets. I asked friends and family whether it was just me being insecure but I had never been before in relationships. I was told that he was just a "blokey bloke" and to suck it up. I went down the could he have aspergers route too.

heyday Sun 20-Jul-14 17:26:48

Please don't start blaming yourself and saying that is your fault. There is no blame to be apportioned here. You are who you are and he is who he is. It's nobody's fault. We are all different with wildly differing backgrounds which makes us the unique person that we are.
Yes if you were more secure then the relationship may be easier but you can equally say that if he was more vocal and demonstrative then you would be more secure.
Just different personality types.... Simple as that I would say.

PuppyMouse Sun 20-Jul-14 17:28:42

I had to comment (am predominantly a MN lurker) but you could be me and your DP my (now) DH.

I would agree with pps in that you have to find someone who's 'right' for you. But there is also a point in a (good) relationship, where you both understand each other better and better and differences/ opposites can be embraced I think.

My DH is black and white, logical, no wild declarations etc. It drives me nuts. But then all my previous bfs claimed I was "the one" and were generally way more emotional and it basically ended up with me either being their constant support system or I was dumped. With someone like your DP you know where you stand and if you can adjust to your differences it's actually a great basis for a partnership.

I am the "emotional needy" one and he is an introvert who applies logic and facts to situations. Whilst this can be frustrating and a never ending source of hilarity to me at times, it provides excellent balance and means he doesn't need all the TLC my ego-maniac exes needed.

If you can relax and not try to change him too much but he is willing to see things from your pov, I think you can make it work.

Hth

Preciousbane Sun 20-Jul-14 17:46:18

I don't think he is an especially awful person but he is not right for you.

I have been married for 15 years and with DH for 17. In all that time neither of us have done the your the only one, I couldn't cope if you died or any of the other things you mention. I personally couldn't cope with declarations like that BUT both DH and I whilst loving and liking each other are pragmatic types and the same type.

I also agree that plenty of men say all kinds of stuff to manipulate as do women.

The only if you died chat we have had is I have made it known that I want all my assets at time of death to be ring fenced so that ultimately DS gets them in case DH remarries.

I'm guessing people would think we may be on the spectrum.

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