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Partner wants me to leave family house and find a room

(158 Posts)
NomdePlumage Sun 20-Jul-14 13:40:33

I currently am primary carer and do about 90% of childcare. I am happy to leave if that's what he wants me to do to give him space (I said I didn't think relationship was working and we should formally end it- been living separate lives for few years).

Will I legally put myself at risk with regards to access to children if I sleep in another house.

I will carry on providing childcare just go home to my own place in the evenings.

Is there anyway to access telephone legal advice at the weekend?

JenniferJo Sun 20-Jul-14 13:41:24

Stay put and let him find somewhere else to sleep. Don't leave your home or your DCs.

NatashaBee Sun 20-Jul-14 13:42:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JimBobplusasprog Sun 20-Jul-14 13:43:14

Can you see if the council can help you find accommodation for you and dcs. He is effectively making you homeless.

WorraLiberty Sun 20-Jul-14 13:44:49

How old are the kids?

I'm not sure about access to telephone advice on a Sunday

But if you have bank accounts or home insurance, check the policies because sometimes they offer free legal telephone advice.

NomdePlumage Sun 20-Jul-14 13:44:57

No he won't go anyway. Thinks he has been working himself to bone so we can have a nice house. As if I could care about material things. All that matters is children grow up in family home.

Can I get legal advice on a sunday? Helplines?

NomdePlumage Sun 20-Jul-14 13:47:23

He won't let me take children. He won't leave. I'm happy to stay and co-parent in interim (as we have been doing for last couple of years)but he can't live with that.

He is saying he's happy to swap roles (ie me be breadwinner) but this is not practical. I've worked v part-time for 6 years. I don't have a career,

Children 1 school aged (just), one under 5

NormalTea Sun 20-Jul-14 13:48:16

don't leave. he sounds very manipulative. you'll end up homeless and he'll be considered the primary carer.

call women's aid. if you leave don't leave without the children. hte house can be sold and divided.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jul-14 13:48:34

Don't let him hustle you into making a bad decision. Make an appointment with CAB or a solicitor on Monday.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jul-14 13:51:09

He won't let you take the children???? That sounds like a threat and I wonder what else he is using as leverage. Please contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and talk to them

WorraLiberty Sun 20-Jul-14 13:52:29

Why does he sound manipulative because he doesn't want to leave his home and children? confused

The OP sounds as though she doesn't want to leave her home and children either, does that make her manipulative too?

JimBobplusasprog Sun 20-Jul-14 13:53:26

Yes, don't leave without kids. If you need to leave then take the kids with you. Bricks and mortar don't matter anywhere near as much as you to your children

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Sun 20-Jul-14 13:53:46

I assume you aren't married - is the house in both your names?

If you are primary carer, then you should be the one to stay, purely because the most important thing is stability and continuity for the children. If it came to it, a judge would support YOU staying and him going, so that the children's home lives were minimally disrupted, while the necessary practicalities of a split were undertaken, e.g. selling home.

Let me guess - You get them up, give them breakfast, get up in the night with them if ill, you're the one putting on a wash for school uniform unexpectedly at 11pm so that the next day is sorted, you're the one putting them to bed, making sure teeth are brushed and pyjamas sorted, yes?

And he thinks you should be the one to move out? Right.

You've both contributed equally to the family life and home you have now. It's not about who has the greater right out of the two of you to stay - it's about the dc.

His stance shows him to be putting himself above his children.

Don't go anywhere. First thing tomorrow, find a local family solicitor and ask for a free half hour advice. Secondly, contact Women's Aid - espeically if he is trying to threaten or bully you to leave immediately.

Do not leave AT ALL without your children.

Do you have family nearby who can come over for support?

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Sun 20-Jul-14 13:54:35

He doesn't get to not let you take the children.

If he even so much as looks threateningly at you, call the police - no ifs or buts or excuses.

OutragedFromLeeds Sun 20-Jul-14 13:54:37

Do not leave. Stay put and get some legal advice on Monday. Don't leave the children.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Sun 20-Jul-14 13:55:50

Oh and let me guess - he only wants to swap roles and be primary carer now it looks as if a split is on the cards? Well - naturally!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jul-14 13:55:56

@WorraLiberty He doesn't want a mother who is 90% responsible for caring for children to be able to leave the family home with their small baby. She's supposed to either go on her own or not go at all. As most mothers would do anything rather than be parted from children that small, he is being applying very cruel manipulation.

Viviennemary Sun 20-Jul-14 13:56:13

Don't leave on your own. You need legal advice before you do anything.

NormalTea Sun 20-Jul-14 13:57:36

Well, clearly the OP is so confused that she's actually considering leaving the house. He's determined not to. The option he's given her is the only way she can see to split up. He is manipulative.

A less manipulative man would have said 'you're right, this isn't working. We'll work out division of assets and custody'. Not implying that if the relationship ends it ends on these terms 'leave without the kids'.

OutragedFromLeeds Sun 20-Jul-14 13:59:24

Worra she isn't asking him to leave, she is happy for him to stay while they sort things out.

He wants space. He wants her to leave. He wants her to leave without the children.

If one person has to go, it's the one who does the least childcare. That is obvious.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 20-Jul-14 14:01:40

You've been living separate lives for a couple of years now, you can stay put for a bit longer while you seek (independent - not his solicitor ) legal advice. Doubtless he's very comfortable with the status quo, having his and his DCs' needs met by you with no thought to your needs, so of course he's going to resist losing that. Hold fast, your needs and wishes count for just as much as his - and the DCs needs trump everything.

VeryStressedMum Sun 20-Jul-14 14:03:36

He wants you to leave the house, without the children, and go into a room? Don't go anywhere without legal advice. Don't leave your children. Doesn't matter what he wants or what he thinks is best, just because he's said it doesn't mean you have to do it.

NomdePlumage Sun 20-Jul-14 14:05:32

Just to clarify. No small baby. A 3 yr old and 6 year old.

He is not manipulative just very angry. I asked him why things weren't fairly divided at weekends. He said he is exhausted. I said well you should change your job then. I did get up in the night every night for 6 years and give him lie ins at the weekend so he could get the sleep he needed to help me more in the day seems it wasn't enough though.

He is a good man and has never been abusive but he just can't accept that I can't emotionally turn the clock back. I can't fall back in love. He will say I haven't tried but I have been thinking about it for a long time.

The thing is we are not compatible and tht won't change.

i do see his point of view . he feels he doesn't want the split so he shouldn't leave his children but i do think we could have mediated something else.

NomdePlumage Sun 20-Jul-14 14:07:07

I am happy for him and the children to live in the house for the time being. I just don't want a lawyer or anyone else to say I walked out on my children further down the line.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jul-14 14:10:09

He doesn't have to give his permission for the relationship to end. If he wants to maintain a good relationship with his DCs and be an active father he is perfectly able to do so the way thousands of other families do. Mediation only works with reasonable people... not people who are 'very angry' and telling mothers to abandon their DCs.

Please think about this. If you packed bags today for yourself and the DCs and had somewhere new to stay, what do you honestly think would be his reaction? Be honest.... are you frightened?

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