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Anyone awake? Another break up thread...

(117 Posts)
Smashedup Sun 20-Jul-14 06:28:19

Me and DP have had a rough few weeks. Basically I'm an idiot because I didn't tell the truth about being able to afford a holiday until the last minute and now he can't believe I lied for so long.

Yesterday things all came to a head, he broke up with me saying he didn't love me or want to be with me. Too much has happened between us and that he's just switched and doesn't care about me anymore. He actually was just going to leave me in pieces upset to go out last night but I begged him not to and he stayed in.

I've tried everything last night, crying, begging, pleading with him not to leave. Promising I will change, I shouldn't have lied, just for one more chance and for him not to move out. There isn't anything that works. He changed his Facebook picture to one not of us (childish to do it at this point I think) and said it made him feel better.

I do of course know the saying to let them go, I just have no idea what to do I'm scared if I just leave him he will never come back, I love him so bloody much. I'm well aware I can't force him to feel something but I just want him to see. He's said stuff like this before and then changed his mind once he calms down but I feel I've just pushed him away so much that I've lost him forever.

I've been awake most of the night upset, we've slept in the same bed and when I was crying he cuddled me and softened a bit. As soon as he realised he was he stopped himself. Totally know I sound like a right loser here as this is my doing but I'm in bits. Writing it down is making me feel a bit better

Unsureif Sun 20-Jul-14 06:33:08

Why did you lie? Didn't you want to go on holiday?
I think we need a few more details flowers

Smashedup Sun 20-Jul-14 06:37:48

We booked a holiday and paid a deposit a few months ago on a long haul trip. I've always wanted to go and was so excited, however I knew even when booking I couldn't really afford it but I had months to pay the balance and thought it'd be fine. It came to the balance date and I said I couldn't afford to go (had to have the car repaired, bills came up) and at first he cuddled me and said it was fine we would go somewhere else.

By that night two weeks ago he hated me, saying I lied and that he feels he doesn't know me for messing him about. Since then I've done my utmost to keep everything happy even though I know he hates me.

Yesterday it came to a head because we were supposed to be going out early evening. He was at his parents all day and then didn't come home for early evening, I text and his response was 'well you didn't say a time' and at this point I was upset, all the being pushed away came to a head last night and I cried when he came in. This is when he broke up with me saying he feels nothing towards me and wants to move back in with his parents

FrontForward Sun 20-Jul-14 06:38:34

It's impossible from those details to comment too much. However I have been in two relationships that were like this and we rocked back and forth in an emotional breakup, make up circle.

When we eventually parted I realised it was what we should have done ages ago. Some relationships just don't function well and whilst you love someone...it won't fix difficulties that exist in the foundation of that relationship

It is very painful breaking up

Smashedup Sun 20-Jul-14 06:41:37

I don't think I've ever hurt so much ever. Part of me does just think that if he doesn't love me to just let him walk away, he's said things like this before then days later calmed down and said he just switches off. This time I feel though he's reached the end of it with me.

I honestly just wish I could rewind and have not booked that holiday in the first place, he's the first person ever to make me feel safe and secure and like I'm the only person in the world and I've done so much bad I've just pushed the one good thing away

FrontForward Sun 20-Jul-14 06:44:40

One holiday is not the issue. It's possibly the straw in your relationship that broke it. There would have been something else if not the holiday.

Keep yourself really busy and don't listen to music (it's always upsetting through a break up). Go out with friends. Don't beat yourself up right now. If you were right for each other you would not have split up

Vivacia Sun 20-Jul-14 07:01:09

Whatever the reasons for it you need to accept his decision that the relationship us over. No amount of crying will change that. Muster up some dignity (I know it's hard) and focus on "grieving" alone and recovering.

Smashedup Sun 20-Jul-14 07:04:02

I've just been speaking to my mum and she's said basically to leave him to it (she knows his personality) and not to let him see me cry, have some space for today on my own. He may not change his mind but giving him space is the best possible thing I can do today

holeinmyheart Sun 20-Jul-14 07:07:38

I am sorry that you are hurting. I wish I could comfort you and say that it will be OK, but from the evidence that you are providing I am afraid it does not look good. Why not? Well, he is making quite a scene about accepting that in the end you could not afford the holiday. You booked it in reasonably good faith. You didn't know that the car would need fixing. It does sound as though he is immature and using the situation an excuse to bow out. He himself is not being honest. I am sorry to say this but it sounds as though you are just not compatible. Sad as it is you need to concentrate on leaving this relationship with some dignity. When some one is saying what he is saying, begging and pleading does no good. Cry to your friends not in his presence. You have already tried that approach and it hasn't worked. It is absolutely vile having your heart broken but in time it mends and in the future you will cringe at your grovelling and pleading, so try hard not to do it. Xx

WildBillfemale Sun 20-Jul-14 08:08:39

He was probably really looking forward to the holiday which you say you knew you couldn't afford when you paid the deposit, I don't understand why you lied? It doesn't show much consideration for him.

The holiday must be the straw that broke the camels back.

Anyway it doesn't look good - this is how it looks when a relationship breaks down - sorry.

Lweji Sun 20-Jul-14 08:25:49

Is he aware you thought you wouldn't be able to afford it, or were the bills really unforeseen?

Did you both lose the deposit?

As others mentioned, it sounds like there's been a lot already. And the whole relationship sounds unhealthy. Even to the point of your despair.
Do let him go.
And if he returns I'd think very carefully if this is a relationship you'd want to get back into.

Smashedup Sun 20-Jul-14 08:33:41

Thank you for your advice

He's awake now and basically the same and cold, he asks questions then follows it with 'but it doesn't matter anymore'. It's confusing me. Anyway I have my friends who are all offering me to go and visit and take my mind off it, but instead I'm spending the day with my parents, shopping for the wedding outfit for my sisters wedding he's supposed to have been going to.

The way I see it is I just need to give him space, I don't know if I think he'll change his mind or if he'll walk away but I know constantly hassling him isn't the solution

sandgrown Sun 20-Jul-14 08:36:28

Sorry it does not sound good. Can you go spend the day with your mum an let her spoil you and just talk over your options. Hard as it is do not plead with him as in the future, whatever happens, you will cringe when you think of it! I really feel for you but you can get through this smile

Deftones Sun 20-Jul-14 08:49:06

Being in limbo is horrible, just horrible sad I feel for you but he seems to have made his mind up so it's time to face the fact and take time to lick your wounds.

spend time with mum, let her comfort you thanks

LumpySpacedPrincess Sun 20-Jul-14 08:49:40

To be honest he sounds like a great big drama baby. It's rubbish about the holiday and he has every right to express his disappointment. He also has every right to end the relationship but really changing his Facebook picture?

He sounds like a knob who is twisting the knife in. Act cool and don't let him get to you, and stop begging. You are both adults and if your relationship is going to work it should be able to weather stuff like this without all the drama.

Vivacia Sun 20-Jul-14 08:53:33

I don't think there's any purpose in calling either the OP or her ex names. It's just one of those things.

OP politely and calmly get him out as soon as possible. Spend the day planning an outfit for the new, single you to wear at the wedding. Don't choose black.

Smashedup Sun 20-Jul-14 08:54:52

That's what I've tried to do, I've just left for the day now.

The way I see it is that I have a week or so before he moves out to try and change his mind. And the only way I can do that is by giving him space and not being upset about things

Vivacia Sun 20-Jul-14 09:31:30

The way I see it is that I have a week or so before he moves out to try and change his mind.

I don't think that's a healthy way to see it at all.

MabelSideswipe Sun 20-Jul-14 09:36:11

Please don't try and change his mind. You would be just delaying the inevitable.

Lweji Sun 20-Jul-14 09:50:37

Instead, give yourself a week to evaluate the relationship, whether it's healthy for you and him and prepare yourself for the real possibility that it will end.

cheeseandpineapple Sun 20-Jul-14 09:59:59

OP, sorry to hear how upset you're feeling. How long have you and your partner been together and do you mind me asking how old you both are?

NickiFury Sun 20-Jul-14 10:05:34

I would be freaking fuming if I had been looking forward to a holiday only up have it whipped from under my nose just before. I'm not surprised he's angry.

I think it probably IS over and the best thing you can do is try and be dignified about it.

Smashedup Sun 20-Jul-14 10:06:26

We've been together about 14 months now and are 27 and 30.

It's very raw, I keep getting mixed messages. He sort of seems like he wants to talk but then just backs out of it. He even said last night one of his best friends hates me because we met once and I answered his questions with one word answers it means he doesn't like me. This was ten months ago and I haven't seen him since! Yet I'm sure he says things to DP all the time about me. It's not a conspiracy I know, but everything adds up to him just not loving me anymore

Smashedup Sun 20-Jul-14 10:08:40

Nicki, that's a completely understandable thing to say and reaction. I didn't expect him to take it well and he says it's not about the holiday, which I believe, it's about messing him around.
We agreed to book a holiday elsewhere last week which we were both happy with, booked a city trip in the UK and were meant to be going to the Commonwealth Games next week. So it wasn't the holiday, it was me messing him about

Quitelikely Sun 20-Jul-14 10:11:27

Id be really annoyed if I thought my dh booked a holiday then told me at the last minute it wasn't happening. It's not just a white lie. I'm thinking yous have been talking about it etc and getting excited and you have gone along with it........

I don't know why you lied but its not ok and IMO he is right to be annoyed. Maybe he thinks what else are you lying about. I know I would.

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