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Am I in the wrong or is he when it comes to blow jobs?

(163 Posts)
topofthetree Sun 20-Jul-14 05:28:24

I have tried many times to give him a blow job, but it just never happenes i get so discussed with the thought that i almost throw up. I have no idea why its to the point that i hate even thinking about giving him one. I feel really bad because he would rather have those then sex it seems like. He really gets upset when we come to this topic. our fights get completely out of preportion and i feel like he doesn't even care how i feel. Am I in the wrong or is he

halfwildlingwoman Sun 20-Jul-14 08:37:43

You don't have to do something you don't want to do. If he was a kind caring person who really wanted you to be happy, sexually and otherwise, he would shut up about it until you were ready. And when you were ready, because he was a considerate lover and you wanted to please him, then you would probably at least tolerate it, if not enjoy it. If you never were ready, than you would have to decide if it was a deal breaker between you. I know for a fact that plenty of men can live with ever receiving blowjobs.
I don't think it's equivalent to discuss men giving oral sex to women. There is a scary aspect to having a dick in your mouth and possibly choking that doesn't exist the other way round. In my misspent youth I encountered men that were rather unpleasant in this arena.

Minime85 Sun 20-Jul-14 08:54:17

Pangaea said it all I think and mango

My ex was like this. I didn't use to hate them, but I never really like it. As time went on though, the more I disliked it and eventually, I was just blunt with him that I just didn't like it. He wouldn't get it and would literally just point his thing in my face, again and again. Forgot about this actually hmm

Yes, in a relationship we all have to compromise and this sometimes involves doing things that you don't always really want to, but when it comes to sex, no. Just no. That's a completely different thing and you should never do anything that you don't want to.

It would have probably helped me if he wasn't so forceful and insistent that it was almost my duty.

My issues with it though, could possibly be more to do with who I was with, rather than the act itself. However, now I'm with a woman, let's just say I really REALLY don't miss them.

I really feel for you OP. Does he know how much you hate doing it?

Justrestinginmyaccount Sun 20-Jul-14 10:10:39

I don't think it's a case of being right or wrong OP. You don't like blow jobs, and he does. The fact that you can't agree a stance on such a basic sexual act would indicate to me that you aren't sexually compatible, and it's probably time to move on.

You have every right to not want to perform oral sex; he has every right to want it done! Find partners that are more suited to your individual preferences; otherwise you are both just going to be miserable and resentful.

I once ended a relationship because the guy didn't really like giving oral. Was he wrong not to like it? Not really, but for me it is a deal breaker; therefore the relationship was just a total none starter...

Vivacia Sun 20-Jul-14 10:32:03

Pangaea said it all I think and mango

Yep, but I don't think it's going to stop others telling us all how much they enjoy oral sex.

sebsmummy1 Sun 20-Jul-14 10:37:38

Difficult one as he has the right to a fulfilling sex life just as you have every right to not be forced or coerced into doing something that you hate.

I have to agree with the consensus that it seems in this area you are not compatible. If the rest if your relationship works then I think it could continue to work in the future, but only if he stops pressurising you. If there are other problems and this is just the tip if the iceberg then I would think about moving on. Not even guy is mad on BJs. My partner can take them or leave them, he enjoys it but prefers sex, so you do not have to conform to what society dictates as normal, keep being yourself.

NormalTea Sun 20-Jul-14 10:57:38

I agree with wildbillfemale. I think maybe it's a better guage than sex for how much you love somebody (this is for people who feel like i do, not everybody). Have with some men wanted to and with some, it would have revolted me, even though I could have sex with them obviously. There is something so submissive about a blowjob in my book, you have to really really know that you're valued and respected and loved. whereas sex, I think it's just easier confused

part of the problem for me is now with all men having been exposed to porn it makes me nervous even before anything has happened. I feel less adventurous, less keen, less brave. but i guess that's a whole other thread.

Lweji Sun 20-Jul-14 11:01:08

I agree with Normal, and that is why I suspect there's more that is not right in the relationship in addition to his nasty response to the OP not wanting to give him a bj.

Branleuse Sun 20-Jul-14 11:02:48

i would totally end a relationship with someone who wouldn't go down. All about loving someone and wantimg them to be happy sexually, yada yada, it wouldnt even get that far tbh.

Yous be better off with someone whos sexual needs match yours

Vivacia Sun 20-Jul-14 11:08:34

I would totally end a relationship with some one who pressured me in to kissing with tongues / giving oral / receiving anal etc. despite my reservations.

I'd end it for the ridiculous "...if you really loved me".

Chunderella Sun 20-Jul-14 11:38:07

It's not wrong to refuse to perform oral sex if you hate it. It's not wrong to want it from a partner either. But it is wrong to try and pressure you into it when you clearly don't want to: that's the only thing that's a problem in this situation, and it's a big fuckoff red flag.

If your DP considers blow jobs to be such a vital part of the relationship that he can't be in one where they're not on offer, that's fine, but he needs to end his relationship with you and find someone who actually wants to give them. Not try and guilt trip you into it. I actually don't think this is a remotely difficult or complex issue. You should not be with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries.

Dontgotosleep Sun 20-Jul-14 12:01:11

We're all different aren't we, but if your not sexually compatable then it's probably not going to work.
For me I love giving d.p oral. He loves receiving

Lweji Sun 20-Jul-14 12:05:41

Replace the OP with "DP wants to whip me, but I don't want to be whipped, he gets angry with me for saying no".
Then see if most of the answers would be the same.

The issue here is his response to her refusal.

He really gets upset when we come to this topic. our fights get completely out of proportion and i feel like he doesn't even care how i feel.
This is the problem. Right there.

LEMmingaround Sun 20-Jul-14 12:11:47

I dont think people are sexually incompatible if one partner doesn't like a particular sex act. Its his reaction to her not wanting to do it thats the problem.

I love oral sex but I couldn't think of anything less erotic than receiving it from a reluctant partner.

EveMarieSaint Sun 20-Jul-14 13:11:44

I am surprised how many people say they don't like it but give it anyway. As LEMing said, there's nothing less erotic than sex or oral sex from a reluctant partner.

Pinklaydee1302 Sun 20-Jul-14 13:41:44

I once went out with a guy who 'expected' a BJ every time we got intimate....I got rid.

neiljames77 Sun 20-Jul-14 15:26:02

I agree with Vivacia and others. It's the guilt tripping and manipulating language that's the main problem.

Pinkfrocks Sun 20-Jul-14 15:36:18

You can say no.
It's ok.
You only do what you are comfortable with.

The 'If you loved me' stuff is silly, immature emotional blackmail.

All I would say is that if you are basing your distaste on what you have seen on porn sites, they are always IMO rather more enthusiastic shall we say than you have to be in real life. And you don't have to put 6 inches down your throat. Many men are quite happy with the tip and a couple of inches being given appropriate attention.

WitchOfEndor Sun 20-Jul-14 15:46:21

I can't understand why anyone would want their partner to do something they really didn't like. If I thought DH didn't like doing something (apart from loading the dishwasher) I wouldn't be able to enjoy it.

Your issue is that your partner doesn't seem to care if you like it or not, hence the huge arguments. I think you should find someone else.

I'm going to disagree with the poster who said if you don't like it, find a partner "who's less sexual." You can have a wonderful sex life and not give oral. I do.

XiCi Sun 20-Jul-14 17:51:34

Has this been a problem in all of your relationships or is it just with your current dh that you have this aversion?

I doubt there's a man alive that would be happy with a sex life without blow jobs. Similarly I don't think I could stay in a relationship where my dp would not go down on me

Agree that he should not be trying to coerce you, and surely knowing your partner was doing something they hated just to appease you would take all the pleasure out of it anyway

EveMarieSaint Sun 20-Jul-14 18:02:51

I doubt there's a man alive that would be happy with a sex life without blow jobs.

It's people like you who perpetuate the notion that a woman must suck a man's dick or she is no good. She must suck cock to be worthy of his love. Oh please.

lasslancashire Sun 20-Jul-14 18:04:41

You can have a wonderful sex life and not give oral. I do. Do you like to receive it though? Oral is a huge part of a sexual relationships, to miss out on it seems a shame to me, but different strokes I suppose.

In response to OP the problem isn't really about blow jobs, but about being comfortable, both in yourself and with your DP. I used to hate giving hand jobs after my first partner told me I was rubbish. I got scared of being asked and always said no. Then my lovely DP asked, my initial response was of course no but I asked him to show me how he liked it and now I don't mind doing it. In fact I like it cause I know how much DP enjoys it.

Your DP sounds immature and uncaring, even bordering on bullying behaviour. I don't think you can ever be comfortable with someone who treats you like that.

XiCi Sun 20-Jul-14 18:28:04

don't be fucking ridiculous Eve. I said in my post that she should not be coerced into anything she didn't want to do. The majority of people male and female enjoy oral sex, I don't see that there's anything wrong in acknowledging that.

Vivacia Sun 20-Jul-14 18:41:54

This isn't a thread about oral sex imho, but I have to respond to this,

I doubt there's a man alive that would be happy with a sex life without blow jobs.

To say I can think of a couple.

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