Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Help me decide what is best or least worst!

(171 Posts)
Onepollock Sun 20-Jul-14 05:27:20

I left my H 2 months ago taking our two young children to my parents. I had a long running post here which I pulled when I found he'd been accessing my MN account.

I left because the atmosphere at home had become really hostile, he was drinking heavily, name calling it ignoring me, refused counselling etc.

2 months on we're no further forwards. Our oldest starts school in Sept and i'm desperate to get home so he can go on bus to school with his friends etc.

I have asked him to leave the house and he'a refused. I have now suggested one night a week and every other Fri and sat he would sleep in house with kids if he agrees not to drink. The rest of the time he would stay at a place we've been offered. This would be until end of year and then be reviewed but would at least get me back in the house. He has now suggested counselling (post seeing a lawyer whereas before he had laughed at me when i suggested it) and i've said i will go with him during this 4 month period.

however he's said no as its 'all on my terms' and I can return to either oexist with him under pre agreed terms or that we should share the house exactly 50/50.

The children aren very young (just 4 and 2.5) and aren't used to me being away from them very much. In the 2 months I've been away he hasn't contacted them at all during the week.

Would you do 50/50 to get back into the house. I think I have accepted our relationship is over but want to know what the right thing is to do for the children.

Thanks.

Romeyroo Sun 20-Jul-14 06:39:03

Do you mean share the house, as in you live in it one week, he lives in it the next with dc or similar; or do you mean he is there half the time and you are there too, then he goes wherever for the rest of the time?

Whichever way, he is asking for 50/50 shared care of very small children when he has an alcohol problem and has been emotionally abusive and hostile - and you are considering this to get back in your house?

What are your other alternatives? I would say the most important thing is an emotionally and physically safe environment and stability with their primary carer for dc; and protect yourself emotionally by not sharing space with the man you have left. Sharing the house does not provide this. Have you taken legal advice? I get that time is pressing because of school start, but he knows that too, and the four month counselling period conveniently gets him past September. (why are you going?)

I think I would be looking at every alternative bar what is suggested in your OP. It must have been enormously hard to leave; don't go back.

Vivacia Sun 20-Jul-14 07:04:42

This is a bit confusing. Would it help to list out the alternative options you have?

Walkacrossthesand Sun 20-Jul-14 07:32:41

I remember your thread OP - he doesn't accept that he drinks too much, and says that he only drinks because you're so impossible to live with, right? You left in desperation because he simply would not leave the house. Have you sought any legal advice?
Bottom line - I wouldn't agree to his terms to get back 'home', it's a slippery slope and I suspect he's playing the long game to maintain control.

sewingandcakes Sun 20-Jul-14 07:38:07

I don't think counselling when one of the partners is abusive is recommended. It sounds like he's not interested in the children all that much, and wants to get back in control of you.

lavenderhoney Sun 20-Jul-14 07:46:20

Have you seen a solicitor? What pre arranged terms suggest co - exist? Was that you and him agreeing to live together like housemates to bring up the kids?

Has he stopped drinking for a long period and now wants you back? Counselling- if he's boozing and just wants to prolong keeping you and the children in suspense whilst he has the house? Do you want to stay with him or not? Because the counselling suggests you do. And then you need different advice!

The right thing to do for the children is decide if you want a divorce, go and see a solicitor and force a sale if you have to. Stay at your parents til this is done if you can, is the house joint owned?

You don't have to agree to anything yet re childcare with him, ask the solicitor. He's using the house to make you do what he wants.

You don't need his permission to get a divorce or see a solicitor. You don't even need to tell him.

canweseethebunnies Sun 20-Jul-14 08:06:38

I don't think it's worth it to get back into the house. Sounds like he's just trying to get you back where he can gain control.

Also, tell it's too late for counselling. He should've taken you up on the offer before if he wanted to sort things. Tell him to go on his own! I don't see the point unless you want to get back with him?

Lweji Sun 20-Jul-14 08:10:54

Oooh, I remember it.

Have you go proper legal advice?

What do you mean 50/50? Financially?

Get a residency order. Forget nice in relation to him and go fully legal to protect your children.
You can't compromise if that means leaving the children at risk or disadvantaged.

Osospecial Sun 20-Jul-14 08:15:10

I agree with PP, its not worth it just to get back in the house for 50:50. If you don't want to get back together and he hasn't changed his drinking then I'd see a solicitor about your long term options re the house. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving DC for all that time with him drinking.
Can you just drop DS off in morning for the bus if you really want him to go on it?

You don't need to co exist with him or live in the house 50/50 you need to divorce him. Neither is an option.

I'm not sure you can rely on him not to drink when with the kids tbh either. Be careful what you agree to to keep the peace. You need more legal advice.

Where is this other property? How big is it?

And where would you go when he slept in the family home with them?

Onepollock Sun 20-Jul-14 08:51:50

I have been feeling so guilty about the children being away from their friends and it not being the ideal set up for our oldest but dropping him to the bus is a really good idea.

I've seen H a couple of times in last few days and whenever I do he makes me feel like we could try and sort it out albeit only on his terms. It makes divorce seem very drastic and he will tell all family and friends that while I am going for divorce he is trying to sort it out. However my lawyer, having met him has suggested divorce as the only realistic option for us.

My parents is logistically very hard. But better than renting somewhere as the children love it.

I said no to counselling as the offer came far too late and only via his solicitor. Urgh what a mess and why do I always fall into the trap of considering his options whenever I see him. I've been up half the night wondering if I'm selfish not to be agreeing to 50/50.

Onepollock Sun 20-Jul-14 08:53:51

He's suggesting we share the use of a little cottage a mile away.

Vivacia Sun 20-Jul-14 08:59:25

You need legal advice. I think you need to distance yourself from your husband.

You sound very foggy and tired and confused. I think you need space and time to think through what you need and think, not what your kids might be thinking, or his family and friends, or your parents...

WhereTheWildlingsAre Sun 20-Jul-14 09:03:29

I remember your thread as well and I don't like the sound of this at all. He would have responsibility for the kids and he still hasn't accepted that he has a drink problem? I remember you being worried about leaving them in his care.

I think you are worrying far too much about what others will think and what he is presenting to them (But I do understand how difficult it is that to!) but that is also part of his denial. He will never accept his responsibility for the break up.

I agree with others, and your lawyer, start divorce proceedings. How can this be drasticl if the relationship is over? You need legal protection concerning child care.

WhereTheWildlingsAre Sun 20-Jul-14 09:04:33

difficult it is not to

Romeyroo Sun 20-Jul-14 09:35:37

I don't think divorce is drastic, though, you are not going to stay married to this man. You can't.

You have got your parents support, and dc are happy for now living there. If you can drop dc at bus for school and pick up, that sounds like a temporary solution, which will take the pressure off.

You think he is reasonable because he has had however many years to get inside your head, you are reasonable therefore you want him also to be reasonable. But he is not, otherwise you would not have left in the first place.

My dad had a drink problem, and I think you have done an amazing thing, to take your dc to a place of safety. My mum said she did not leave because she did not want to deprive her children of their father. That was putting the excuse onto us, we were three and four when she considered it, rather than being the responsible person and walking away. Instead we grew up in an extremely dysfunctional household, and it did a lot of damage. Keep your dc safe.

Agree you need legal support re childcare and I am glad you already have a lawyer. Strength to you thanks

MushroomSoup Sun 20-Jul-14 09:56:06

Fuck that. Divorce him and get advice on the house.

Quitelikely Sun 20-Jul-14 10:17:44

You aren't going to get your happy ending with this man. It's not going to happen. Do you want everything you have fine through in the last two months to be for nothing? Because if you go back to him you will once again go around in your circle and it will all start again. Until you get fed up and get out again, disrupting the children in the process.

Of course your slightly sentimental towards this man but remember he has another side to him that he is keeping hidden right now until he gets you back where he wants you.

Just no. Just no. Just no.

Good luck

Bruins Sun 20-Jul-14 10:38:37

I remember your thread. If your H wasn't such a selfish, nasty alcoholic he would be living full time in the cottage so that his children could return home.
The reason he is trying to appear conciliatory is because he has discovered his legal position is not good.

It sounds like your lawyer has the measure of him go with their advice. I think that you will probably get the house, at least until the children are older, especially as there is somewhere else for him to live.

Stop considering his feelings, he does enough of that.

Lweji Sun 20-Jul-14 10:49:25

Well, If your H wasn't such a selfish, nasty alcoholic, you'd still probably be all living happily in your home.
Sadly, he is a selfish, nasty alcoholic, and you have to forget about trying to be reasonable with him, because he isn't with you or the children (!).

hamptoncourt Sun 20-Jul-14 10:50:35

I also remember your thread and posted I think.

This is about control.

He does not want 50/50 parenting and could not cope with it. You know this.

If I have understood your post correctly, you have seen a solicitor who has advised your best option is to issue a divorce petition. So just do that. I promise you will feel better and more in control once you have issued the petition.

Whose opinion are you worried about re the divorce? His family would take his side anyway. My ex inlaws took XH side even though he beat me up. It really makes no difference you know.

Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

Stay away from him/minimise contact and crack on with life for you and DC.

Zazzles007 Sun 20-Jul-14 11:41:40

I remember your thread as well, and posted on it belatedly. He is a nasty, manipulative, alcoholic shit - you need to stop contact with him, as he will keep manipulating you into thinking that he is going to keep up his end of a 'bargain'. You know that how that will end up. A good saying here is 'Past performance predicts future behaviour".

As you've already stated in your posts, he makes you feel as if he is trying to dictate terms to you, and he won't allow you to negotiate anything for yourself and your children. This man does not love or even like you, and in fact, actively despises you. Why would you listen to anything he says? Listen to your solicitor and only consider his/her advice.

Zucker Sun 20-Jul-14 11:45:37

Get some proper legal advice and stop listening to his useless suggestions. Nothing he suggests is going to be of any use to you or the children as it's all about him and his comfort.

Onepollock Sun 20-Jul-14 15:12:47

I've just spoken to him to say no a 50/50 split isn't right for any of us. Not for the children or for me and I really don't think he's considered the logistics anyway. I think he thinks I will come and do all the drop offs and pick ups etc until he comes back to sleep in the house which isn't really a shared arrangement.

Anyway, I said no and he said I was being selfish. Said I was arrogantly destroying our relationship etc. I said we would have to sell the house and he hung up on me. I don't think he believes I will do this, I'm not sure I do! But I think I'm going to have to.

Hampton I remember you posting and you are completely right. The control issues have eclipsed the drinking (maybe because i'm not seeing it any longer) but he cannot have anyone else make a suggestion. It always has to come from me. He's been telling everyone I've been bullying him but asking him to do anything is bullying in his book.

How do you recover after living with someone who thinks like this. I know life with him would be a constant battle. As soon as you question him the veneer of niceness comes off and he goes for me. I've always felt like deep down he hates me I've just never really understood why.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now