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DP has been exchanging photos with another woman

(49 Posts)
silvercarcrush Fri 18-Jul-14 19:30:45

Someone he sees in real life regularly, I found the messages and he had startd it. There was another message that made it clear that nothing physical had happened and they were saying it wouldn't but still feel so awful don't know what to do

MiniTheMinx Fri 18-Jul-14 19:37:11

Can't imagine that having exchanged photos that it wouldn't lead to something else confused

myroomisatip Fri 18-Jul-14 19:37:52

Oh dear sad

I guess first things is to gather evidence so he cannot deny it when you confront him.

Next is to do further investigation: email, text messages, check phone bill.
I know I sound rather clinical and cold but you have to protect yourself and your position.

Are you married? Do you have children? I know you will get a lot of support here.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Fri 18-Jul-14 19:42:05

Presumably these aren't photos of their favourite flowers in their gardens?

If they were what I think they are this would be a sacking-offence. What more evidence do you need before you decide that he's over-stepped several boundaries?

silvercarcrush Fri 18-Jul-14 19:53:39

Yes they were what you are thinking. We are not married (yet, we are engaged) and don't have any children together

MiniTheMinx Fri 18-Jul-14 19:55:56

How long have you been together? Is this a first offence?

GetYourFingersOutOfThere Fri 18-Jul-14 19:59:13

I really feel for you. Not married with no children? Run for the hills and count yourself with a lucky escape.

It hurts and will make you cry and feel really fucking angry but please please don't marry him.

DrJuno Fri 18-Jul-14 20:07:17

Can you imagine sending those kinds of photos to someone you werent having sex with?

No me neither.

You're not married. You have no kids. Why would you stay with him?

Preciousbane Fri 18-Jul-14 20:10:17

You have no ties, LTB and be honest with people so they know how awful he is.

BillyBobbed Fri 18-Jul-14 20:12:28

Sorry to hear this. What kind of photos were they though? Poser selfie types? Or rude ones?

I def agree with LTB, you've got nothing to lose

BillyBobbed Fri 18-Jul-14 20:13:05

Oh sorry I see what pics you mean. Really unforgivable tbh x

wtffgs Fri 18-Jul-14 20:13:12

Not married.
No kids.
No question.
No relationship.

Sorry op but if you put up with this crap now, can you imagine what it will be like a couple of years down the line? #mumsnetneededearlier thanks

silvercarcrush Fri 18-Jul-14 20:37:40

We have been together three years. I don't want to split up but don't think I can forget this although I just told a friend and she told me that it's no big deal to do this these days apparently. Wish I had never told her now

Primadonnagirl Fri 18-Jul-14 20:42:15

You are the one who decides whether it's a big deal.i know you don't want to split but it's a sign.If he loved and respected you he simply wouldn't do that. Whether you are prepared to go ahead knowing that..well, that's up to you

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Fri 18-Jul-14 20:44:24

It is a big deal and your 'Friend' is talking a crock of shite. It shows total lack of respect for you. If you are happy with that, listen to your friend. You will end up with the marriage you deserve if you are not careful though! Marry him after this and you are giving him a 'Treat Silvercarcrush like crap' license. thanks

Quitelikely Fri 18-Jul-14 20:48:56

Not married and no children. Please run as fast as you can! Marriage and children can create strong pressures on a relationship which can mean affairs etc are more likely. Your relationship has none of these pressures yet he is up to no good.

Fontella Fri 18-Jul-14 20:50:02

Your friend is an idiot.

If she thinks it's 'no big deal' for someone in a committed 'engaged' relationship to send 'pictures' to another woman behind his partner's back, then she's got a screw loose.

What self respecting person would be happy with their partner doing that?

It is a big deal. If he's doing that now, what the hell else is he capable of doing?

If I caught my partner doing this, I'd kick his arse straight out the door.

MiniTheMinx Fri 18-Jul-14 20:52:28

It is up to you to decide of its a big deal. It may well be fairly common these days and yes splitting up is painful. You could therefore exchange one idiot for another. However, if most women put up with the behaviour of idiots, then idiots become the default setting. On an individual level and collectively women perhaps need to show these men the door. If you want an exclusive relationship and this is the agreement then the deceit alone is enough. It might now be simple lies over photos, but if he lies about this, what else might he lie about? People who lie can never be trusted.

Itsfab Fri 18-Jul-14 20:55:32

If it upsets you - it is a big deal. Does not matter if everyone is doing it and all are fine with it. YOU are not.

CatKisser Fri 18-Jul-14 20:55:37

Ugh, why do people give such TERRIBLE advice? Not a big deal thee days?! I doubt if it was her own partner she's be breezily saying "yeah yeah, Jonny's been swapping naked selfies with Jilly from his office but it's faaaiiine of course!"

It's NOT right or normal for committed partners to do this. You say "I don't want to split up" so....ok, let's say you don't. How do you ever trust him again? Because turning into the paranoid nut isn't fun - I've been there.

Does he know you know about all this?

ApplebyMennym Fri 18-Jul-14 21:11:05

She sounds like one of those "cool girlfriends" who makes a massive deal about giving her man freedom. The type who practically forces the guy to have lap dances, whilst braying about how normal it is and how she really doesn't care because after all he comes home to her.
Needless to say, don't listen to her.

I think you need a break from him, at the least, to get your head sorted. He may not have slept with her, or even be planning to, but exchanging pictures is bad enough. I hope you're OK.

Joysmum Fri 18-Jul-14 22:57:47

It'd cross my boundaries. Clearly your partner knows it'd cross yours otherwise he'd not have needed to keep it secret.

So he knows it'd hurt you and went ahead over a period of time anyway.

I love my DH, no matter how much I wanted to do donething, I'd not do it if it would hurt him. Your partner didn't feel the same way about your feelings. To me. That's game over as it shows a lack of judgement when you've only been together 3 years!

morphologies Fri 18-Jul-14 23:10:29

Not many people would say it was 'no big deal' I'd wager, and I'm quite liberal in my views.

You've only been together a couple of years, have no children and he's doing this now. Not exactly loves young dream is it?

Sorry if that sounds harsh. But you haven't been together long, I wouldn't waste any more time on the man now that you're aware of his character and inclinations. I wouldn't even discuss it. Not the sort of thing you could ever explain away.

lavenderhoney Fri 18-Jul-14 23:12:26

They are building up to shagging. Yes its normal to send pics, but not if one of you is with someone else. Don't mix the two. Your mate is doing that, and appears to have missed the fact that its your dp doing it.

This woman knows your dp is in a relationship, and is doing it anyway. So he's told her its over with you, or is pissing her about. You can either believe his crap when you confront him, and play the pick me dance or fuck him off now.

3 years is nothing compared to a lifetime of hurt and misery.

daiseehope Fri 18-Jul-14 23:28:20

Please, if you want to know your future have a look at my post on the emotional abuse thread. I'm sorry but he obv is a twat. I put up with little incidents at the start, being pissed, flirting, etc. I just showed him he could do what he liked. I just really loved him and having an odd background was amazed he loved me.
Over time we've had kids, got a house and over time the behaviour has grown. He's not violent but he might as well be. I am now trapped.

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