Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.

have you ever cut out a family member?

(74 Posts)
mismylinford Fri 18-Jul-14 13:00:39

after many years of pain and hurt i have decided to cut off my dad and dh has decided to cut out his too.
not wanting to have our daughters exposed to our toxic parents.
anyone who has cut out a family member how did it work for you... did u regret it over time when they past away or have you never looked back? views and experiences please?

LBZT Fri 18-Jul-14 13:04:21

very interested in the responses you get, I am at the start of a similar prcoess

RudyMentary Fri 18-Jul-14 13:05:56

No
but I've been cut out myself.

Heartbreaking

pavilionredsquare Fri 18-Jul-14 13:34:26

I have cut out my whole family. Occasionally get contact from my brother but we have never been that close.

I has been a tough journey, and still causes a lot of pain but it is also the best thing I have ever done for myself. Wish i did it years ago.

I did it for myself, my own sanity but also for my DD who I did not want being infected by their toxicity.

Madamecastafiore Fri 18-Jul-14 13:35:47

Father, step monster, half brothers and toxic queen herself - my big sister.

Oh how much easier life is.

Wrapdress Fri 18-Jul-14 13:55:53

Been no contact with my dad for 15 years. Absolutely no regrets. No doubts. I didn't tell him what I was doing. I just stopped contacting him or responding to him and he gradually figured out I wanted nothing to do with him. It took him several years to figure that out.

GoatsDoRoam Fri 18-Jul-14 13:58:38

My parents, for about a year and half, while I processed how monumentally hurt and angry I was, after realising that my 12-year abusive marriage followed a pattern I had learned from them growing up.

They were hurt by my going NC, could not understand why I did it and assumed I was having a breakdown. But to their credit they were immediately welcoming when I got back in touch. We see each other a few times a year now, and send emails, but something has definitely shifted. Many things, actually:

- I accept that they are what they are
- I maintain emotional and physical distance
- I (very rarely) call them on behaviour I no longer accept

It's a more guarded relationship now, but with no more emotional ups and downs. Going NC, temporarily, was useful and necessary in giving me space to come to terms with a lot of emotional stuff. I'm glad that for me it only needed to be temporary, so I don't need to live with unresolved anger, and I can be there with them in their last years.

GoatsDoRoam Fri 18-Jul-14 14:00:15

What I mean to say is: do it if you think it is what you need. It may be permanent, or it may be temporary. But sometimes you just need to take a break, for however long.

Southpaws Fri 18-Jul-14 14:02:20

Dh's vile parents have cut us all out since Xmas day because DH telephoned them too late (according to their imaginary Xmas timetable) to wish them merry Xmas.

It's more of a mutual cut off to be fair as even if they contacted us now we would have nothing to say to them.

It has lifted a weight from my shoulders TBH as I was always waiting for the next hissy fit/emotional blackmail.

I think it makes DH angry though that they have so easily walked away from their granddaughter over something so barking.

Been very much reduced contact with my aunt and her husband for over a year. Would have been completely no contact but my sister got married and she wanted them at the wedding. I've seen them twice in that time (used to see them every couple of weeks/be talked at every few days).

Can honestly say that I don't miss them in the slightest.

I'm now 6 weeks pg with our first and I don't want to expose our dc to them at all. Which is going to make for an interesting time of things, especially as they will never accept this hmm

Smilesandpiles Fri 18-Jul-14 14:10:45

I've got rid of the lot here. All at different stages of my life mind, not all at once.

Life is Oh so much easier, simpler and happier for me. One of the best decisions I ever made.

AmITwirly Fri 18-Jul-14 14:12:13

I cut off my alcoholic mother when my DCs were tiny, as I didn't want them exposed to all the pain/lying/dramas etc that I had been through with her.

I never regretted it as such because I knew it was the right thing to do for my DCs and for my own sanity, but I regretted and mourned for the relationship we did not have. Birthdays, Christmas, Mothers' Day etc were always hard.

She died recently and the relief is overwhelming.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Fri 18-Jul-14 14:38:44

I had to "take a break" from my sister when she was horrid to me during my last pregnancy -straw,camel,back.
Continued with duty calls on major holidays, and gifts at Christmas/birthday. Tapered calls and gifts off over a period of five years. I have not seen her since Christmas '07, fully NC since Jan.'13.

I do not miss her. In fact I am still recovering from her emotional abuse. Counsellors helped me see that it was not mentally healthy for me to be around her.

It took awhile for me to distinguish between hurting her/kicking her to the curb: the guilt, and my creating a boundary to protect myself. I have to come first in my life. I had been invisible/her doormat/her narcissistic supply for too long. Relief, absolutely.

Not me, but my DP has recently cut out her mum. She occasionally tries to claw her way back in, but usually that's just because she's heard we've got some money or something.

I've never actually met her, but I know she was completely toxic for DP and I'm glad that she's cut her out. She seems much calmer than when she was in contact. Constantly getting built up that maybe she can have a 'normal' mother daughter relationship, but then will get completely shot down when she remembers once again, that that's never really going to happen.

Of course I feel very sad that this is the case, but you have to weigh things up. Is it sadder to have no mum, dad, sister etc in your life, or is it sadder to have a toxic family member, who is constantly dragging you down and making you feel bad about yourself? It's such a personal choice, but you need to make sure you have support and that you're 100% sure you're doing the right thing.

hamptoncourt Fri 18-Jul-14 15:45:26

Yes I am NC with narc mother.

It is so lovely and I haven't regretted it for one second. I am now free from her abuse!!

ExcuseTypos Fri 18-Jul-14 16:07:08

Yes, me, my Dsis and Dbro, cut all contact with our mum after years of atrocious behaviour towards us.

The breaking point was when our lovely dad died (who she had been divorced from for 30years). The way she behaved was dispicable.

It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, she died about a year later- aged only 60, with non of her children talking to her. Very sad for all concerned but I felt not one jot of guilt- she made our lives hell for many years.

Yes, my sister, going on two months now, still new. I dont miss a bit of her, though I miss her kids, she doesnt want me to see them. As a result, DS misses his cousins.

It had to be done though, narc isnt the word for this girl and all my family put up with it for years. When she started the same capers on my son, it was time.

TheWanderingUterus Fri 18-Jul-14 16:26:35

Yes my aunt. No regrets just relief. She has tried a couple of times to get back I touch but I have continued to ignore her. Just couldn't tolerate her behaviour anymore.

Reduced contact to the minimum with my toxic father and stepmother as well. My brother is completely non- contact with them.

Greyhound Fri 18-Jul-14 16:41:42

I have distanced myself from some extended family due to toxic behaviour but we are still on Facebook terms. I very much doubt I will ever see them again. I am sad about it, but that is the only real option given their destructive and unkind behaviour.

CleopatrasAsp Fri 18-Jul-14 16:59:54

Yes, completely no contact with my mother now for nearly ten years - it's absolute bliss. I was no contact with her for four years when I was younger but resumed contact for a few years against my better judgment which turned out to be a huge mistake. In my opinion, people rarely change.

My mother is very manipulative so when I cut contact with her nearly all her family stopped having anything to do with me as well. They are unable to face what she is like and it's all very dysfunctional and unhealthy but, thankfully, not my problem any more. My lack of contact with my other relatives is sad but a price I am glad to pay for the happy life I have now. I will never resume contact, I know that for an absolute fact.

LuluJakey1 Fri 18-Jul-14 17:07:57

I cut all contact with a poisonous cousin. She spent my childhood and teenage years being really nasty to me behind our parents' backs. Goody two shoes in front of them. I got to 26 and just thought FFS.
I just stopped having any contact with her. She sent me letters- even by registered post which I refused to accept. I blocked her phone number. I have never explained or justified what I did and have never regretted it or missed her.
I still see and speak to her parents who are lovely.

FolkGirl Fri 18-Jul-14 17:20:12

OH my goodness.

I cut my mother out of my life just over 2 years ago and every day that passes I am happier without her in it.

She is a spiteful, vindictive, self centred, arrogant, neurotic, self loathing, pathetic, wretch of a woman.

She emotionally abused me as a child/teenager/adult and allowed my father to physically abuse me.

She began to do the same to my children.

She knowingly introduced them to a convicted child sex offender.

My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.

Catnuzzle Fri 18-Jul-14 17:43:57

My step mother (DF died in 2000) coming up 2 years now. Blissful not to have to deal with all the shit any more, but has created problems with other family members. Apparently I am cruel and unkind. No one's actually bothered to ask why I've done it just assumed I'm a bitch, otherwise they would have to consider I might have good reason for doing it.

NigellasDealer Fri 18-Jul-14 17:45:45

yes I dumped my brother after being treated like shit at his society wedding.
it was a good move tbh although I do miss that shared sense of humour you only get with a sibling.

mysticpizza Fri 18-Jul-14 17:57:51

Yes.

MIL after she stood by her second husband who was convicted of abusing her own GC and went to prison. We were later advised that there had been questions over him in the past yet she accepted his assurances there was nothing in and didn't see fit to let us know despite encouraging us to send the kids for stays.

Apparently she doesn't think she has done anything wrong and can't understand why we are 'treating her like this' hmm

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now