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Husband been visiting dominatrix

(120 Posts)
Flowerseller Mon 14-Jul-14 11:45:08

Hi, I really need some advice as I can't talk to anyone else about this. I have just found out that my Husband started visiting dominatrix a year ago. I found out by accident as he lied to me about where he was going(said he was going on a course with work but it didn't seem to ring true). I confronted him and he admitted everything. He has apparently visited more than one and they never offer sex, I have looked into this and they don't actually have sex with their clients. It's the fact that he had to go somewhere else to get something he obviously thought he couldn't get from me.
To make matters worse I looked at his emails(Which I have never done before and felt really guilty about) but I just didn't feel as though I could trust him. I found some emails from one of the ' Dommes' who had put him on a long distance regime, which entailed him masturbating twice daily for her and to send pictures as proof. This devastated me, the thought that he was doing this because another woman had told him to has completely crushed me and feels like cheating.
He broke down and said he went too far down a path he shouldn't have done and he has promised to stop all contact with them and want to work on our marriage and building my trust again.
I'm sorry this is such a long post but everything has just spilled out I have kept it bottled up for days and don't know what to do.
Any advice is welcome
Thanks

HumblePieMonster Mon 14-Jul-14 11:50:10

Do you want to be with him?
We can protest all we like about long-distance and 'no sex' (some mistresses definitely do sex) but he's been seeing/relating to at least one prostitute.
It is cheating. There's no way round it. And its costing you money.

Wrapdress Mon 14-Jul-14 11:56:44

There was an article in Vanity Fair magazine recently about this and they don't have sex and it didn't read "affair" to me. More like indulging a fetish or role playing a fantasy or cross-dressing - something more along those lines. Interesting stuff. Have no clue how I would feel about a partner doing it in secret. Maybe had they told me about it ahead of time, it then be okay? I don't know.

Justrestinginmyaccount Mon 14-Jul-14 12:05:37

Some dominatrix do have sex with their clients...

There are 2 types of men in this world. The type that think other people can be bought, and those who can't. A man who is visiting prostitutes will lie, cheat, twist things to justify his actions...but there is NO justification.

OP, I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. This man is a cheat, he is a liar, and he thinks it is OK to pay women for services (which in 99.9% of cases) they would rather not be providing.

You deserve better; truly you do.

Justrestinginmyaccount Mon 14-Jul-14 12:06:51

"The type that think others can be bought, and those who think that they can't be bought" That's what I meant to say.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jul-14 12:10:01

Most women would think this was cheating

he has gone outside of your relationship with OW to get sexual kicks

if you hadn't caught him he would still be doing it

even if it stops temporarily, it is likely he will start again as this kind of stuff can be a compulsion

has he ever asked you to do this as part of a consensual, loving relationship (that doesn't involve using family money to support the sex industry) ?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Mon 14-Jul-14 12:25:32

I think you should send him away for a few days as an absolute minimum, so you can try to get over the shock and maybe work out what it is that you want to have happen.

I would take his promises to stop doing this with a huge pinch of salt. He might be sincere now, at the prospect of destroying everything he holds dear, but I doubt that he would be true to his word. As AF said, it's a compulsion and it's not likely that he'd be able to replace or sublimate these desires.

Andro Mon 14-Jul-14 12:34:39

I found some emails from one of the ' Dommes' who had put him on a long distance regime, which entailed him masturbating twice daily for her and to send pictures as proof.

Until I saw That ^ I was going to suggest talking through his reasons for seeing a domme, but in truth he as crossed a line. Accepting, for example, that he had a need to be spanked is one thing because it can be completely non-sexual in nature, this is very different. Where you go from here really depends on whether you think you'll ever be able to trust him again; find out exactly why he has been seeing a domme, be honest with yourself about what ^you need and talk whatever time you require to work out where you go next.

(and make sure you both have a full STD screening, if he hasn't been having intercourse anywhere else it shouldn't be an issue!)

MiniTheMinx Mon 14-Jul-14 12:38:41

I think the first thing you need to realise is that, this isn't something that in his words simply "went too far" or that it is something that he can change. His desire to be dominated will have been with him probably for most of his adult/late adolescence.

The second point is the fact that he felt that this need could not be met in his relationship with you. Ask yourself: could it? If the answer is no, I really think that you need to consider whether this relationship is worth preserving.

The only other alternatives are, he stops and it eats him up, he continues and that eats you up, or he somehow does what most of these men do, continue the deceit and the lies, because that's also part of the thrill. He lies to you, she punishes him.

Personally, I would deal him the biggest turn on of his life, pack his bags, whip his sorry arse out the door, I can't stand deceit and have no time for men who think buying sex is ok.

warysara Mon 14-Jul-14 12:44:16

Although visiting a domme doesn't always involve sex, it does usually involve intimate touching (of him and sometimes her) along with whatever else goes on: Spanking, whipping, humiliation, feminisation etc..

He probably goes because he needs something and you cannot supply it, the question is more whether you wish to stay with someone who has had an intimate relationship with someone else and whether in the future it is a 'game' that you wish to participate in with him.

CuttedUpPear Mon 14-Jul-14 12:48:08

The way Dominatrices work is by maintaining a close connection (keeping clients on a tight leash if you like). The client is expected to keep the mistress in mind at all times, that's the nature of the arrangement as it is a very cerebral fetish.

I think this amount of dedication to another person, combined with the obvious sexual nature of your DP's agreement with her, is no better than cheating.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jul-14 12:48:14

it may not involve PIV "sex" but sexual it is, as proved by his "instructions" to film himself wanking and send it to her

ffallada Mon 14-Jul-14 12:49:04

I'm sorry you in this difficult situation.

It must be devastating to find your husband has been lying and I'm in no way trying to minimise how horrible that is.

Much like a cross-dresser needs to wear clothes designed for the opposite sex, he has a sexual need that he is trying to satisfy. There is little doubt he has gone about it the wrong way. He should have talked to you first.
Perhaps your really open to trying different things in your sex life, and even with that he still feels the need to be dominated by someone else.

I know quite a few couples where the man uses services of a dominatrix as the women in the relationship does not want to take part in these activities. They have happy relationships. What works for them might not work for you though. It wouldn't work for me or my hubby, but who am I to judge?

Either way, you need a big conversation about what he needs and whether you are willing to do it. If you want to (and only if you really want to) you can use this to move your relationship forward and be closer to your husband.

You must do only what you feel comfortable with. Once again, I'm sorry you are going through this and wish you the best.
Here for hand holding as you need it.

kentishgirl Mon 14-Jul-14 12:53:53

It is sex - it just isn't intercourse (usually). He has cheated on you with prostitutes. I think you understand that really - and he needs to acknowledge this as well. While he's still pretending and minimising that it was 'not sex' that went a bit too far, he's not being honest with you now. And it sounds like this is his last chance to finally be honest with you.

I agree it's something he needs in his life and always will. You need to ask why he wasn't able to discuss this need with you, his wife. (preferably before you married!). Is it something you could do/learn to enjoy? Are you willing and able to forgive his cheating on you? Are you willing for him to continue going to prostitutes for this? You have a lot of thinking to do, and a lot of talking.

I wouldn't rush into a decision either way.

Flowerseller Mon 14-Jul-14 13:02:24

Thanks for all the advice. He is away at the moment as he works away from home, luckily I know exactly where he is because he works in the middle of the North Sea, however I find myself with more time to sit and think about it.
He says it is not about sex, we have always had a good relationship in that respect, it's the BDSM side that he craves and was worried about how I would react. He has asked if I would be willing to try it with him I'm just not sure this is really my thing.
We have young children so do think maybe we should really try and talk things through and see if we can move forward in any way.

avoiretre Mon 14-Jul-14 13:06:32

Get your whip out when he comes home. If he complains, tell him you thought it was what he's into.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jul-14 13:08:53

How do you feel about him making a unilateral decision to spend large amounts of family money on getting him an orgasm ?

FatalCabbage Mon 14-Jul-14 13:17:20

Sonerhun

Something worth bearing in mind is that when you confront hum him with complaints about this, or indeed any other aspect of your relationship, you are feeding his need to be told off/humiliated/punished. punis His response to that is practised: I'm sorry mistress I won't do it again, I'll do whatever you say.

I wouldn't believe a word he says because I doubt even he knows if he means it. A pp used the word "cerebral" and that's exactly right - it gets right in your head and working out where the sexual boundary falls is very hard indeed.

If it's not your thing, that's fine. I think the idea of being a Domme sounds stultifying. On the other hand, you might enjoy playing ay at controlling him, and that's great too.

But that's totally separate from the absolute deal breaker of paying to get his rocks off with someone that isn't you. The details of what they did together are irrelevant - that's a line one does not cross. Take the kink out of the equation there and decide whether that'sa something you can forgive. All the rest is separate.

Saying "she gave me something I couldn't get from you" is what all cheaters say. He isn't special.

BristolRover Mon 14-Jul-14 13:23:27

has he ever considered the blackmail value in sending some unknown prostitute those photographs twice a day? that's naive at best, utterly bloody foolish. He's exposed himself to multiple risks doing this, and it's abusing your joint financial position even if you could conceivably consider the behaviour to be non-sexual (which I couldn't).
(I like avoiretre's suggestion)

kentishgirl Mon 14-Jul-14 13:33:24

Yeah right it's not sexual. Is his idea of sex really so tightly confined that it only includes genital penetration? I doubt it. He's trying to minimise his cheating on you. That isn't a good start to talking about this and rebuilding your trust/relationship (if that's what you want).

There's another thread on here today from a poor man whose wife is cheating on him, and he is desperately trying to take comfort from the fact that she and other man haven't had sex, they've only kissed and cuddled in their underwear. I don't know about you, but that's sexual activity to me. Your husband has been engaging in sexual activity (albeit an often cerebral one rather than genitally stimulating one) with other women. And that's even without the wanking 'for' another woman. That point has to hit home for both of you.

kentishgirl Mon 14-Jul-14 13:35:41

And presumably his wanking twice a day has had an effect on your sex life, unless he has very talented semen production/erection/orgasm abilities.

upthedamnwotsit Mon 14-Jul-14 13:36:56

"He has asked if I would be willing to try it with him I'm just not sure this is really my thing."

Are you saying that he brought this up after you found out about the woman he'd been visiting? Because I find it pretty repulsive that he's wasted no time after being found out on trying to get you to do it as well. It's like he's saying 'I know you found out that I cheated and spent a lot of money on it as well, but would you be willing to take over where she left off?" Not much consideration for what you're going through and how you feel about his actions.

Not at all the time to be bringing it up and he should be more focused on if you'd be 'willing' to stay with him at all, never mind start acting out his BDSM fantasies. That shouldn't be the focus of things at all at the moment, or in the near future.

HumblePieMonster Mon 14-Jul-14 13:39:26

How do you feel about him making a unilateral decision to spend large amounts of family money on getting him an orgasm
AnyFucker, I rarely agree with you on anything, but you have the essence of problem 2 right there.
Problem 1 is that he is being unfaithful, of course.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jul-14 13:45:22

That's odd that you agree with me on this but otherwise rarely, HPM, because one thing I cannot be accused of on here is inconsistency smile

AMumInScotland Mon 14-Jul-14 13:58:05

Of course it's 'about sex'. What part of masturbating to order isn't about sex? BDSM is a form of sex, whether or not he 'does it' with them.

If you're not into the idea, then don't feel pushed to do something that doesn't give you any pleasure just to 'keep' a husband who thinks it's ok to carry on a significant relationship with other women.

If either partner doesn't like what's on offer within their marriage, then the right thing to do is to discuss it, see if there is any room for manouever, and if not, whether there's room for sexual activity outside the marriage to be acceptable. If not, the only right responses are to accept you don't always get what you want, or to end the marriage and seek it elsewhere. Cheating is never an acceptable way to behave.

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