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Relationships

Just a bit of advice please...?

95 replies

DadofHarry · 14/07/2014 10:30

Hi All,

First of all.. my apologies for waffling on so much...

I live with my DP and her DS who is 8 years old and severely autistic. We have been together one year and I love both very much.

My DP also has two grown up DD's both of who, I getting know and think they are great.

I have my own DS also 8 years old from a previous relationship and he stays bi-weekly weekends. I love and adore him

My DP believes that I do not parent my own son very well and because of this she does not want to be around or near him. We have had many arguments and upsets over the same subject which are generally centred his behaviour and how I deal with it.

I do hold my hands up, I probably am the worlds worst, I have in the past, let things slide, not pulled him up on things or after telling him off, hugged him five minutes later instead of being stern and resolute.

I do take on board everything my DP says and I have been trying to work on my own parenting skills as well as adjusting his behaviour. It appears I have a long way to go....

We have just got through another weekend and apart from a couple of issues I thought all was ok. Unfortunately I have been told I am wrong and that the weekend was bad, she doesn't want to be around him and that now, because of his continued behaviour (plus my bad parenting).. we are now over.

This weekend we went to the her DS's school, it was the summer fair and pretty much a great day. My DP, her DS, my DS and one of her DD's came along. Everyone seemed really happy and had fun. We all commented and said it was a really lovely day...

However this morning it appears I am completely wrong.. and the following have caused great upset..

When we went to leave to go to the school my DS rushed and tried to sit in the front passenger seat. He jumped in sat down and when my DP walked over to get in, he smiled at her. I obviously told him to out and into the back, which he did, but my DP was very offended - She has only told me how offended she was this morning.

When we arrived at the school he took a good time to actually get out of the car - to be honest, he took about 3 minutes and was completely phaffing around. The others walked off.. and then stood waiting for him while I had to bark at him to hurry up. This again, as I found out this morning, caused my DP great upset...

Once inside everything was great all the kids had fun, the adults had fun and apart from one incident where I had to pull him up on, it felt like a good day. I was oblivious to the upset caused by the issues above..

I'm now sitting here slightly bewildered, I've been told his behaviour was bad, the two incidents mentioned were completely unacceptable and my DP can no longer be around him. This means he is no longer welcome at the home....

To be fair to my DP, he is spoilt and I have let other incidents slide and not picked up on them as much I should. I know there is a case of guilty dad syndrome inside of me (I left his mum..)..

I know he has been challenging to adults, doesn't listen, things have to be continually repeated, he has asked inappropriate questions i.e. to my DP -where do you get your money from... All these previous incidents and my lack of parenting have all snowballed to this point.

I am trying to work with my DS, I have setup a visual list of rules - do's and don't.. I am using a point system to help him see how good behaviour will earn him rewards and bad behaviour will not. I have been using this for the last few visits. I can see a slight improvement but still a way to go.

I don't want to loose my DP, I feel she is an amazing woman.. I love her completely.. but.. it appears her dislike of my son and the trauma caused by DS are to much for her..

Is there anything anyone can suggest? Advice...?

Harry's Dad...

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2014 10:32

I wouldn't waste a second of my life on someone who thought - rightly or wrongly - that my DS was a spoilt brat or that I was a bad parent. You've accepted her and her DCs without criticism, I take it?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2014 10:42

"This means he is no longer welcome at the home...."

She's asking you to choose between her and your own son. Partners come and go but children are for ever. I really hope you make the right decision.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/07/2014 10:45

I presume you didn't talk this kind of stuff through in depth before you moved in. You've not known each other long have you?

DadofHarry · 14/07/2014 10:45

Her son is severely autistic and is a really lovely boy.

He cannot speak, still wears nappies and does not really conform to society's norm. He cannot take care of himself and needs continuous supervision.

On good days, which is most of the time, he is just amazing... He cannot communicate and on bad days... he screams, shouts, had incredible tantrums, hits himself and it is can be disturbing to see. His world is singularly about him.

There have been moments where I have been frustrated, raised my voice and found some aspects difficult to come to terms with.

In the early days I had little understanding or appreciation of autism and his condition. I attempted to be sensitive but I made one or two ignorant comments. Never repeated again as this is a learning process.

I accept everything about her DS and want to see him happy, loved and cared for.

OP posts:
DadofHarry · 14/07/2014 10:46

Yes, it is a case of choose... such a shame because my DS will always win.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 14/07/2014 10:47

The two incidents you describe are just manor irritations btw. She is completely over reacting to them and being ridiculous to be "offended". Is she usually an intolerant idiot?

Theselittlelightsofmine · 14/07/2014 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 10:47

Your son or her ?

No contest, surely ?

JenniferJo · 14/07/2014 10:50

She sounds an absolute cow, frankly. Get her out of your DS's life ASAP, would be my advice.

DadofHarry · 14/07/2014 10:53

You are right BitOutOfPractice - we have only known each other one year, it was a bit of a whirlwind and we moved in together after about 6 months. I basically relocated to be with her.

We did talk about the children and treating them equally. When the "issues" came to light and my parenting, his behaviour were the cause of the upsets, we talked.. but most of this was one sided. I received a lot of criticism and my DS did too.

I can see some of my DP's points. I have been trying to adjust my own thinking and parenting style but this weekends comments seem, in the great scheme of things, an excuse and dare I say it very petty...

OP posts:
DadofHarry · 14/07/2014 10:55

Yes.. it's a no contest.. DS always.

OP posts:
DadofHarry · 14/07/2014 10:59

She is not a complete cow..

What concerns me, and to help with the background, is that my previous relationship also had major problems because of my son's behaviour and my parenting... Now this relationship has raised the same issues.

I am either picking the wrong partners.. or.. the problem is me.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 14/07/2014 11:00

They are petty. Really petty.

TBH is my DP's DD had sat in the front seat I'd have said something jokey like "Oi skidaddle into the back you cheeky monkey!" and laughed (and possibly tickled her as she went!)

If she took 3 minutes to get out of the car, but DP was chivvying her along, I wouldn't have said a word and forgotten all about it after 30 seconds.

I, personally, think that is a proportionate response to those "crimes"

For the record I have known him a few months longer than you've known your DP and we don't live together but we do all spend a lot of time together as a blended family

Your DP sounds very intolerant and bossy. I think you might have moved in too soon without realy knowing her. That's sad. But even worse you have compromised your son's happiness too.

AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 11:05

have you understated how bad your handling of your son's behaviour is ? Two relationships down the pan because of it ? Confused

DadofHarry · 14/07/2014 11:08

BitOutOfPractice - I really do appreciate your comments and I agree with you on practically all. I just needed to make sure that my own thoughts and feelings weren't misconstrued or falling by the wayside. Thank you.

I honestly hope that I have not compromised my son's happiness - it's not sad, it would be absolutely awful. I cannot let that happen.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 14/07/2014 11:10

I just don't think she is suited to being a step parent. She wants your 100% attention. I would be exactly the same . I think because I have my own dds I just dont think I could bond with another child. So minor irritants would be a big deal.

Not everyone is like her (me) and blended families can and do work. Dont give up -you sound lovely and a good and loving dad. She isn't right for you.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/07/2014 11:12

Well he must be aware of the criticism he's getting mustn't he? That is sad. And I know you don't want him to be unhappy or not come to stay with you which is the way this is heading ifyou're not careful

You sound like quite a considered person - are you hand-on-heart telling us what your son has done and how you react? Because I cannot make sense of your DP's response otherwise. It is so over-the-top!

ohdearitshappeningtome · 14/07/2014 11:16

She's over reacting! And I think you know this! I also feel that if you told her that she would give you another full blown character rip!! Your son is a typical little boy and I suspect maybe she may resent your little boy as he is without special needs and her boy of the same age relies heavily on her for everything! I'm not excusing her because she is coming across as rude and not interested in your
Little boy but could she be stressed and tired? Does her son have respite ?

DadofHarry · 14/07/2014 11:17

"have you understated how bad your handling of your son's behaviour is...."

Hmmmm... Honestly...

He basically wants his own way.. and will keep trying to challenge.. i.e. can I play on the iPad.. if he has a "no"... he'll ask again 5 minutes later.. if there is another "no"... he'll ask someone else.. frustrating.

He has issues listening, so you have to repeat many times... but.. this is getting better. The points systems (Thank you SuperNanny!)... does help draw attention.

He can be a bit me.. me.. me... and if indulged it can get worse. I'll hold my hands up.. I've done this once to often and I am adjusting to this.

He asks inappropriate questions of adults..and is overly nosey. He asks who's called if the phone rings..etc..

Over the last month or so I have been trying to work with him on these aspects.. he has a few basic set of rules, do's and don't. I know a lot is down to me.. and making sure I keep focused.

OP posts:
Lweji · 14/07/2014 11:17

Reading it all through, I suggest you dump her.

He is 8 and she thinks him asking her where her money is coming from is a big deal? FGS.

Most 8 year olds I know are challenging to adults and don't (always) listen. I think she is expecting too much.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2014 11:17

Even if your relationship with your DS, his behaviour, your parenting style or any combination of the above is causing problems with potential new partners, it doesn't necessarily mean you have to change. The new partners may even be part of the problem... wouldn't be the first kid to object. It will mean, however, that you need a much longer period of getting to know someone - including your DS - before committing in future.

QuintessentiallyQS · 14/07/2014 11:19

Maybe you are moving too fast, with many new relationships? Your son is only 8, how many "step mums" has he had so far?

Maybe you need to live on your own for a while, give your son more stability? Have him more often than twice a month? Be a regular presence in his life, and just not date for a while?

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CrystalSkulls · 14/07/2014 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

booge · 14/07/2014 11:21

It sounds like she has unreasonable expectations of the behaviour of an NT 8 year old, let alone one who is having to but up with changes over which he had no control - you moving in with her.

Give him a break, don't be too stern, just firm and fair and give him lots of love, 8 is a difficult enough time without having a wicked stepmother on your case. If she's not up to the job of being a loving parent to your very normal sounding son then it surely has to be a case of bye bye.

DadofHarry · 14/07/2014 11:32

Two relationships since I split with my DS's mum. The first was four years and now this one. I do understand your comment of moving too fast though...

I agree with more than twice a month.. that would be lovely.

OP posts:
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