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Missing the children...

8 replies

candyce83 · 13/07/2014 08:38

Got out of a bad 2 and a half year relationship about 6 weeks ago(were both women). There were two little boys involved ages 4 and 8…we all lived together for the last year. Because it ended over the phone I never got to say goodbye to them.

I think about them so much and feel completely devastated over them 100 times more than my exDP. I love them like they were my own, bathed, cuddled, put them to bed, etc…I relished every second of it and they sometimes mistakenly called me mum…they were just the best thing that had happened to me.

I was walking in town and saw my exP and her youngest at a cashpoint, my stomach dropped when I saw him. I just wanted to run up to him but I walked as fast as I could so they wouldn't see me. Ive been crying ever since. I guess my question is am I wrong to feel this way over two children who weren't mine? Surely this isn't normal??

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iggy155 · 13/07/2014 08:55

I think you are completely normal. You have formed a bond with the boys which you cannot just cut off because you are no longer in a relationship with their mother. I can't really offer any advice and hopefully somebody more experienced will be along soon.

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quesadilla · 13/07/2014 08:55

That sounds awful. Of course its not wrong to feel that way over two children who aren't yours, you were living in a family-like set-up with them and spent a lot of quality time there so it sounds perfectly normal and very much to your credit.

As to what to do about it: you say it was a bad relationship and it sounds as if it wasn't a particularly amicable split, but you don't really say what went on. Could you see yourself getting onto an amicable enough footing with their mum to be able to hang out with them and spend time with them?

Assuming you haven't totally burned bridges I would be exploring this -- maybe wait until you feel less emotional and then get in touch with the mum and say you'd very much like to have a relationship with the kids and could you explore this? You will have to do it on her terms obviously, and go at a pace she is comfortable with, and obviously be prepared to deal with the possibility that she will have another partner at some point. But it doesn't sound impossible at all.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/07/2014 09:01

I think it's normal to feel affection and attachment to children that you have got to know but, sadly, it's one of the many penalties of a relationship breaking down. You not only lose the individual but you lose their relatives and often their friends as well. For parents, it's a big reason not to commit too quickly or easily to someone. Children need stability.

I expect seeing them brought back some happy memories. Hope you have a better day today.

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candyce83 · 13/07/2014 09:09

Thanks ladies, I guess I didn't know if I was being selfish over two children that aren't essentially mine.

As far as the split its an incredibly long story, she has mental health issues and it just got in the way. There was a lot of push pulling going on and I couldn't help but take it personally. She ended it with me, Im glad she did because I was incredibly unhappy and in a deep depression. I guess the children were the shining light despite everything. I attempted to contact her to get all my belongings which I told her she could leave outside the door but she made it quite clear she couldn't be arsed so I just left it. I worry what they think of my departure…I hope they don't think Ive abandoned them.

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Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 13/07/2014 09:13

I had this and felt ridiculous as they weren't mine but I had a hollowed out feeling for months and months. They are adults now and will be doing well I am sure but they were like bright stars in my life for a long time and we had become so close I felt ripped open.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/07/2014 09:15

I'm sure their mother will have given them a reason why you're not there any more - good or bad. They may have questions but, by and large, children tend to trust parents and go with what they're told. Unless you think they are in harm's way, if she doesn't want to have anything to do with you, I'm afraid that's where your influence in their lives ends.

When my marriage finished I was effectively excluded from the lives of five young nephews and nieces with whom I'd been very close. Twenty years on I've missed out on seeing them grow up, get married, have children etc. It sucks but that's the way it goes.

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quesadilla · 13/07/2014 09:22

I don't think you are being selfish at all.... it is completely natural and you would be perfectly reasonable to try to maintain a relationship with them if that is what you want. She may well get to a place where she thinks that is beneficial.

But ultimately you will have to play by their mum's rules and if she deems this beyond the pale you will have to live with this.

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candyce83 · 13/07/2014 09:26

You're absolutely right, I think it accepting this is the case that is so hard.

No they're safe, she's a good mum…I do worry about the 8 year old incredibly…he's an extremely sensitive little boy but old beyond his years, he does not act like a typical 8 year old but I guess he had to grow up around a lot of fighting. We went to Ibiza last year and as little boys can be quite excitable he was being a bit naughty at times. He had a fight with his mum and he threatened to go jump off the balcony. This has always stuck with me…I do wonder what lies ahead for him.