just need someone to talk to.

[thestamp]

things are hard right now. incest survivor. i am in therapy but this weekend is very hard so far. am not in crisis or anything. just feeling very alone and needing to talk but no-one to talk to at all.

had a big falling out with my emotionally absent mother. she let me down for the millionth time and finally it's brought a big wall down inside me and i'm just so so angry and triggered ALL the time. loads of intrusive memories and so many horrible feelings of rage and grief. have DCs to care for and it's just very difficult.

dh tries to help but it just gets too much. i have been useless all week, i am so triggered that can't think straight and keep doing stupid things that massively inconvenience him. he's unwell right now and very stressed (affecting his business), so it's just all too much for both of us. i NEED to talk talk talk and be lsitened to but he's quite introverted, not equipped to listen for as long as i need him to (v upset by my past abuse, feels powerless etc., wants to fix it), it's just dreadful.

he lost his temper this morning (no violence, just "god, REALLY?" type thing) when i did something very stupid and potentially catastrophic, and is now avoiding me because i suspect he just feels we will have a massive row if he doesn't, and he doesn't want to make it all worse. i just feel very alone. of course he doesn't understand about triggering and how out of it i am. i'm good at hiding my true state. and anyway he just wants a partner who is coping while he is ill... ugh.

just want to lie in bed and cry. hate this. hate that the past has stolen so much from me. just want to be happy and not have to try to defend myself from terrible thoughts for five minutes. just wish i could be functional, i did nothing wrong, it's so unfair that i am feeling like this.

sobbing now, just so tired of it all.

not sure why i am posting. just needed to get it out.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

I don't know what to say but just holding your hand and stroking your head sweetie. Let it all out here. x

[thestamp]

to clarify i'm not saying i did nothing wrong TODAY. i did loads of stupid things today due to being out of it. what i mean is it's so unfair that fucking horrible people hurt me when i was younger, and now i have to be triggered and still suffer because of it, even though it wasn't my fault.

[thestamp]

thank you ribena you are so kind
sobbing sobbing sobbing

[NewtRipley]

Hi, I'm afraid I have to conception of what you are going through, but I hope it helps to talk to us for a while.

I do know what it is like to feel fed up with yourself, and to feel loved ones must be fed up with you too (even though perhaps they aren't).

What happened to you is so unfair.

[HumblePieMonster]

It is unfair and none of it is your fault.
I'm not a survivor of incest, but my mum was emotionally abusive and I've been having a bad couple of days about that. 'Pretend you don't exist', she used to say to me. I've spent so many years doing just that, and only just realised how it came to be my coping strategy.
Hand holds and hugs for you. Sob all you like. Sometimes it helps.

[thestamp]

want so badly to get shitfaced and just hide from everything.

[NewtRipley]

Do you normally let yourself cry?

[thestamp]

i do. cried loads yesterday and also cried last weekend. had a stage for a few years when i was ok, hardly ever cried, but it's all come back so strongly this last month or two. just sick of it iyswim. want to be happy and feel free of it. they don't think about it; only i think about it. i was just a piece of trash to them.

[thestamp]

DC duty now. have to pull myself together. i hate this.

[DeriArms]

Please keep posting. It is difficult to find the right words but we are here listening x

[Bookie1]

I sent you a private message hun

[thestamp]

Managed to stop crying now. I think the worst is just feeling so alone and different from other people. I have friends but know from experience that sharing the abuse with them just freaks them out completely and they are no longer comfortable around me. Which makes me feel such a freak and even worse. You would never know the truth from looking at me or even from knowing me fairly well. I'm so isolated. I literally have to pay someone to listen to me talk about myself. And all because of what sick fucks decided to do to me when I was a child. FuCK them and the fucking horses they fucking rode in on. FUCK

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Fuck them all. What you need lady is some heavy metal. Slayer ought to do it.

[thestamp]

we made up again, and not an hour later i had done something stupid (snapped at him, when he was actually in the right), and he has gone quiet/detached and sad again. it must be very difficult to be around me. so sick of this. wish i could control myself/ my brain-state. feel like i am constantly on edge, about to snap, about to walk out the front door and never come back.

i hate the people who did this to me, who shaped me like this. it's so unfair i can barely stand it. just want this awful time to end and to go back to the niceish person i am usually. gutted, furious with the world.

[thestamp]

the worst is words. how sometimes i can't seem to find the right words while triggered, can't explain myself, even simple things like giving dh instructions during a stressful moment. my senses seem to desert me and i sometimes get so infuriated by that, that i get snappish and visibly irritated, when of course the person i'm talking to (usually dh) has nothing to do with it.

and then i blank out the whole thing and have only a vague sense of what i may have said to dh to upset him. have to ask him, which makes him feel even worse, to him it's like i just SAY things without any thought to how he might feel.

that's what happened today.
i tried to explain later what i should have said (because i had said something only vaguely related to my actual meaning) and he just said, quite rightly, "it doesn't matter what you think you should have said. it matters what you actually said." and it just makes me despair because i feel so hopeless and awful and like i will never get anything right. what hope is there, how can i learn not to be like this when my BRAIN doesn't work? i've tried for so long, sooooo long to get that under control, where i blank things out and say the weirdest things and it all goes to shit. but how do you stop your brain from going down the shitter? at the very moment it is happening?

i feel like i should never have been so stupid as to marry because now instead of just me being affected it is him, and me, and the poor DCs with me for a mother. i should have just kept to myself my whole life for the good of everyone.

and all because of what other people chose to do to me. other people traumatising and fucking me up when i did nothing wrong.

[thestamp]

and of course in an ideal world, dh would just pat my hand and say there there dear and move on. but what kind of life is that for him? his wife snapping, being a bitch, and then he has to just pretend it doesn't matter?

[daisychain01]

Hello stamp, just wondering if you could go and see uour Gap and get the wheels in motion for some therapy. Even if there is a waiting list it may help for you to make some small steps towards rehabilitating yourself from your past and separating yourself the person from actions that were not your fault.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a good way of trying to look at things from a different perspective. NHS can normally fund 10 sessions if you can show you are in great need. Starting point needs to be your GP.

Hope you can move things forward xx

[daisychain01]

Oops GP that should say

[Whatamessiamin]

It sounds like you could be suffering from PTSD, my partner has it. I have managed after a year to get support. Try phoning a company called Min Group, they will offer you counselling and then adk your doctor about potentially hoing onto an anti depressant called Setrolin which is designed for PTSD. I have just done this with my partner after he has suffered for over a year. I was also at my wits end and this is proving to be working very well so far and he is starting to feel so much better.

[Whatamessiamin]

Sorry Mind Group not Min group.

[Whatamessiamin]

Sorry Mind Group not Min group.

[Whatamessiamin]

Excuse typos rushing to go to work and on phone.

[thestamp]

Thanks. I'm in private therapy and have been fir years. This is just a really rough patch right now. Its very very shitty. My therapist is hoping to use emdr next. We'll see.
Hoping today goes better xx