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Would you consider this fair?

(31 Posts)
sammyjayneex Sat 12-Jul-14 14:13:43

Im so fed up today, really i am.

My husband (well thats what hes supposed to be) has gone out all day to the races with work mates and he will probably not be back till late tonight. I am in the house with the kids all day as i have a really sore back so it makes things twice as difficult. We have 4 children. He spent all last week driving his cousin to places as he came from abroad to visit so i was left with the kids all week whilst he did the things with his cousin, i cooked their tea, i put them to bed and i bathed them with a very painful back. He then went out clubbing with his cousin last Saturday and now hes gone out all day today knowing full well i have a very painful back. To be honest im really struggling with the children, i don't like to admit it as he sees that as a sign of weakness and will start telling me i should not have had kids ect. Im fed up that he has fun whilst im struggling with a bad back. I asked him to go go as i need a break as these kids are hard work but he refused and still went. I find it really difficult to keep my anger under control when he goes out because i resent the fact he still has his freedom and i am stuck with 4 kids. Yes you could say its my own fault for having kids with him but i didn't know he would turn out to be so selfish. He says im a moaning cow because i express my views to him on this and makes me feel like i cant object to it. I am a SAHM, he works but he does get his breaks more than i do.

Im being really snappy with the kids and i am easily stressed out by the kids, i have a short temper all the time now. I hate it. I shout at the kids a lot because they never listen to me but im expected to cope because 'im a mum'

Im so depressed, i feel guilty on kids because i can no longer cope with them. I do the same things day in day out with nothing to look forward to. Hes 9 years older than me...(im 26, hes 35) and he seems to think he knows best. He manipulates me when he wants to go out because he says 'They are in bed so you cant complain about me going out'

I feel like walking away from them all because i dont think im a good mum and i dont think i ever wil be with me feeling like this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 12-Jul-14 14:26:21

I think you should walk away from it all. Not straight away, of course. But he seems to feel quite entitled to walk away when he feels like it so what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Do you have friends or family you could go spend a week or two with? People who will look after you a little while your back injury has time to heal? Let him keep the house on the road, look after the DCs etc .... you could even use his own argument back on him 'why have kids if you're not prepared to look after them?'

If you haven't the will to take some time out, the least you have to do is stop burying your anger towards him. Stop swallowing your rage or feeling that you have to keep quiet and not complain. No point yelling at the DCs when it's really your husband that is the problem. Avoiding the confrontation is what is making you stressed and depressed.

Quitelikely Sat 12-Jul-14 14:27:01

God I would be fed up too if I was in your shoes. If he is a father then why isn't he acting like one? Ill tell you what he is doing to you, treating you like a nanny and cleaner (live in of course). He is contributing nothing to this partnership is he?

I would honestly tell him he needs to go so that you can assess your future together. Infact tell him you need to go so then you can go to a friends/family members house and stay over for a day or two so that he knows what it's like to be you for a day.

You are not just a mother, you are a whole bunch of other things and you should not be forced to be in your mothering role permanently.

If you don't ask him to go please realise that he only treats you this way because you allow it. Put your foot down.

The children are not to blame they didn't ask to be born and you can't give up on them completely just because their father is a selfish so and so.

Good luck

Quitelikely Sat 12-Jul-14 14:31:56

Remember your kids love you and you're the centre of their world. This might be a bit random but Argos have a fab deal on play doh. Something like 20 little tubs with the stencils. You get 2 sets for £15.00. My children sit with it for hours. So I get a rest while they're entertained.

Tbh I think you'd be better off on your own. You already do 99% of the work and without the anger and resentment of having someone living there treating it like a hotel almost, you'd start to feel better. Not to mention the poor example he sets for the kids in how he treats you.

You deserve better. Go and see the GP if needed about how you feel but I think you'd start to feel better once he'd gone.

Can you book a babysitter? I'm divorced and treat myself when I can to a night out.

If you look after yourself, get rid of him and work on feeling better, you'll be a better Mum. I know I was once ex had gone. You manage financially. You don't think you can but you do.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 12-Jul-14 14:34:15

Just out of interest OP, how long have you and this much older man been together? If you have 4DCs and you're only 26, I'm guessing you were late teens and he was late twenties when you met? Very common sadly for inadequate, bullying types to recruit a much younger woman with big promises when all they really want, as said above, is a meek domestic appliance to sit home while they go out carrying on as if they're still single.

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 12-Jul-14 14:45:44

What would happen if you got up at 6am on a Saturday, and said 'I am off out for the weekend, be back Sunday evening'... and you went for the weekend and didn't come back until Sunday evening?

sammyjayneex Sat 12-Jul-14 14:50:24

Yes your all right, its not the children's fault, they are very hard work but i think im taking my resentment out on them without realizing and its unfair. I do love my kids so much though.

CogitoErgoSometimes i met him when i just turned 17, he just turned 26. I have been with him 9 years. Hes always been like this though and i should have left him years ago. There was a time when i was pregnant with my 2nd child i was at risk of giving birth premature (because my first was 7 weeks early) and i begged him not to go out clubbing and be far away from me as i could go to labour anytime but he still went out and i went into premature labour with my second that night he went out, he also went out clubbing with his cousin when our 3rd child was 1 week old. I should have seen it before really but ive always had low self esteem and thought that 'i was lucky' to have him because im so horrible. I guess he jjust preyed on my low self esteem

Lweji Sat 12-Jul-14 14:53:01

For now you should pack some clothes and get off as soon as he comes in to friends, family or even a b&b. Leave him to deal with the children till your back is good enough.

Then consider whether you want to stay with him or not.
He may change if you are prepared to leave and take none of this crap behaviour, but it's likely that he will revert as soon as he can.

Who decided how many children you were having?
But even if you were the one who wanted them, he had to agree and should take responsibility for them as well.

sammyjayneex Sat 12-Jul-14 14:57:07

FunkyBoldRibena I have never tried that before, i guess it would depend on whether he had work because if he had work and i walked out then he wouldnt be able to go to work (he works shifts so doesnt always have weekends off) and he would be furious i made him miss work but if he was off and i walked out and didnt return till sunday i dont know how he will respond as i have never done it but maybe is should try it see how he feels. I guess i always put my family first and he doesnt and thats the difference between me and him,

sammyjayneex Sat 12-Jul-14 15:02:47

Lweji we both decided to have the children. He just thinks he can take the piss really.

My own dad was never there whist i was growing up so that makes me hate his behaviour even more

MexicanSpringtime Sat 12-Jul-14 15:23:24

I know, with my own personality, I was well off getting rid of my daughter's father before she was born, because he was like your husband, and I would have resented by poor baby, because they make looking after children seem like an unpleasant task that they are too good for. As it was, I was able to enjoy my dd and didn't resent what I had to do for her.

Hope your back gets better soon

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 12-Jul-14 15:41:15

If your own Dad was never there, do you feel an obligation to your DCs to put up with your DH's crap just so that they have a Dad?

AskBasil Sat 12-Jul-14 15:52:32

You would be better off without him.

sammyjayneex Sat 12-Jul-14 15:59:42

Yes i dont want my children losing their father, i also know it was a struggle for my mother bringing children up on her own.

I guess im scared to be alone partly

Wrapdress Sat 12-Jul-14 16:03:07

Seems there are two bonuses of separating. One, he would have his custody time and you would get your breaks. I have had many women tell me they finally get their child-free breaks when they divorce and dad gets his time.

Second, if you are on your own, you would not always be thinking, "Why isn't he here helping me?" When you are single, you just carry out on without resentment. He's not there. He's not supposed to be there. This is all on me right now. It's an attitude change and you learn to pace yourself.

When I was a single mom I used to hear couples argue - "It's your turn to deal with the kid." "No, it's your turn. I just fed him." No, I just changed the diaper, it's your turn." You know, back and forth with scorekeeping and when you are single, you just deal with it without all the negotiating.

Lweji Sat 12-Jul-14 16:03:29

Even if you separate the children won't lose their father.
It doesn't sound like he's there much, anyway, and you are already doing it largely alone.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 12-Jul-14 16:04:58

A lot of people stay in bad or abusive relationships because they fear being alone or because they don't think they'll cope as a single parent. It's a normal thing to be worried about. However, look at your life now. You're raising the DCs pretty much single-handed as it is. If you divorced he'd have to look after them on his own 50% of the time which is probably 100% more than he does now. The DCs wouldn't lose their father, they'd gain a proper parent. He'd quickly find out that he can't go clubbing or ferrying a cousin around quite so easily.... you'd get a few days break each week. Financially, he'd still be responsible so that side of things might not be so dire either.... worth checking with a solicitor put it that way.

You have more options than to be treated as an afterthought.

AskBasil Sat 12-Jul-14 16:09:37

You're on your own anyway.

Think what you're teaching your children about what adult relationships are like.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 12-Jul-14 16:18:41

I should add that I am not saying 'LTB'. However, you sound as if you feel trapped and unable to express yourself because you'll be (figuratively) slapped down if you do. You're therefore stressed, depressed, taking your frustration out on the DCs, thinking of running away and so forth. I believe that checking out the alternatives i.e. what divorce would look like in practise, would give you a little hope, let you hold your head up and - very important - the strength to be much more assertive with your DH.

CharmQuark Sat 12-Jul-14 17:55:13

He does sound hugely selfish. He is being thoughtless and unkind leaving you when you are in such pain.

I agree, find a day when he is not working and leave him to it. And then tell him you are fed up with the fact that he does not work with you in a team or treat you like a partner with mutual support, and neither does he act like a father and husband: a family man. If he does not listen, say you want to go to counselling to get it sorted so that you can work like a team where every member is respected. If he still doesn't respond, then ask yourself how much harder life really would be without him.

In fact ask yourself that first . It might set a bench mark for what you want and deserve from your life. Currently you are a downtrodden skivvy.

sammyjayneex Sat 12-Jul-14 19:03:33

He's still my back he's been out from 10 this morning and it's not 7pm!
I'm fuming and I am tempted not to. Let him in when he gets back! He didn't take his house keys or his car keys so might teach him a lesson

mustardtomango Sat 12-Jul-14 19:42:44

I'd want to do that too, but if you can be the bigger person you'll come out on top. You could go the honest & straightforward approach, gets home, tell him as objectively as possible how you feel about it, and tell him you're reclaiming your life. Then how smile

Good luck x

BolshierAyraStark Sat 12-Jul-14 22:52:08

If I was you I'd lock him out, permanently. He's a knob living his life the same way he always has while you, my love, are stuck at home caring for the 4 children you both produced.

At least if you fuck him off you might get a bit of time to yourself when it's his time to have them...

sammyjayneex Sat 12-Jul-14 22:56:50

Yes I know
He's not returned home yet
He's been out for nearly 14 hours possibly drinking all day.
Makes me do angry

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