Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I totally dislike my daughter (long and ranty)(444 Posts)
DD now 21. Backstory she has been problematic since 13. Started with truancy, smoking etc. Then absconded from school and was found unconscious on the school field with an empty bottle of vodka. We then discovered she was bulimic and self harming. Many trips to the Drs later we were referred to PCAHMS for counselling. There are no known issues in our family, me and her dad still together, he has been a fantastic dad and we have both tried our best to support and encourage her. In her words "you are epic parents and I had a lovely childhood, I don't know why I do these things". Signed off from PCAHMS as deemed "helped". Over the next few years she went to college and got a part time job. She was then sent home from work as she was drunk, this continued and escalated until she was drinking all day and being abusive. I met with her work who offered to help - her words "all teenagers drink", took her to the drs "my mum is imagining it all, I am fine". To cut a long story short, the drinking escalated and she became threatening and violent and I snapped (probably not the best thing to do) and threw her out. We had a number of police visits due to threats and her trying to kick the door in. Police told me I was a victim of dv. She found a room, we paid the rent and deposit for 6 months. She got thrown out from that room because she kicked off and started smashing the place up. At this point I cut contact as she was making me ill with the stress. She moved in with her boyfriend, and his junkie father and moved onto drugs (speed, crack), got raped by her drug dealer. I can't even talk about that. She moved into a nice room, to get away and we paid the deposit. All this time still drinking but miraculously because of her manager she clung on to her job. She was then given notice on her room as the ll was getting married so she went off on a rare one and her threw her out that night. In desperation, the next day I found her a bedsit albeit in a halfway house type place, paid the deposit and the rent. She is still there. 5 months ago she quit drinking, we were so proud of her. I told her that she needed to get help as she obviously has issues (she says she wants to feel incredible all the time and can't bear the mundane day to day life). It transpires that although she isn't drinking the drug use has escalated, to the point she owes dealers. She came round last night and was vile, screaming and shouting at me. Told me all of this was her fault, she hated her life, we should take her back home and she would stop. I forced her to take the bedsit, if I hadn't she wouldn't be doing drugs. She hates her job, nobody has offered her a promotion and she's been there 3 years. I was very calm and told her, nobody had done this to her but herself and I wasn't going to discuss it anymore as she never listened (we asked her to attend Narcotics anonymous and the drs - she won't because they tell her things she doesn't want to hear). She was hateful, vicious and mean. I have got to the point where I totally dislike her and my husband says he despises her and can't be in her company. Sometimes I wish she was dead so that we didn't have to live like this and she wasn't suffering anymore. dh retires next year and we are going to sell up and move away (plan was to buy a house with annexe for dd if she got clean but that is never going to happen). All we wanted for her was to be happy, and either do uni/travel/or a job she liked. Whilst we are not perfect parents (who is) we have always encouraged and supported her and tried to do what we think is best. I am now at the point where I think - I've done everything I can, you are an adult and its up to you. I think this stems from growing up with both parents as alcoholics. I know she is a tortured soul but I can't help someone who refuses to take responsibility and help herself. Sorry for the essay, rant over - just wanted to get it off my chest!!! Thanks if you managed to read to the end
You've done enough.. and I know there will be some who think that you just carry on and on because they don't stop being your kids etc.
She'll grow up eventually but it sounds as if she has to find her own way through it. I probably wouldn't tell her where you're moving to but keep a phone number live between the both of you.
What do you mean it stems from growing up with both parents as alcoholics? Do you mean your parents were or her parents were?
It sounds tough for all of you, but you wish she was dead? I don't know what to suggest but maybe you need to have a bit more faith in her, saying you would have an annexe for her in case she gets clean but it'll never happen, it's like you've written her off already.
I'm sorry, it does sound really tough. When you said about having parents who are alcoholics, do you mean yourself and dh?
My parents were, I grew up with it.
Sometimes one had to hit rock bottom before they can find the strength and courage to deal with their issues and build a better life for themselves. I would keep the lines of communication open, let her know you are there to support her when she gets help and makes the commitment to change but she is old enough now for you and your husband to take a step back and protect yourselves from the destruction imo. Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself, you can't force people to take the help offered, only encourage and support which you have done.
Have you had counselling to help you deal with that?
Any issues as a child that might point to some kind of additional needs such as aspergers or high functioning autism? I only ask this because there is an increasing argument that these disorders in girls often manifest themselves as eating disorders. The drinking from such an early age could be self medication.
She's not coping with RL for some reason and that's not to blame you in any way but possibly there could be a lot more to it than her just being a PITA.
This has been going on for 8 years Ponyo We told her the annexe was on offer - I am saying to myself it will never happen not her. Sorry I wasn't very clear I was just spilling it all out on the keyboard. She wishes she was dead and to be honest at least none of us would be suffering any more. We lost our daughter a long time ago, at least we could then grieve her.
Oh right. I know you say your dd is an adult but maybe she is a young 21, she sounds to me like she wants 'saving' almost. Maybe she needs you to try one more time, to make her go for help and to face up to everything. Including the rape, counselling etc.
I know that sounds nice and simplistic, I know it's not as easy as that. Just a suggestion.
Sorry I've cross posted with you there. I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter.
Agree with the poster who said keep at least a telephone line available as contact.
Hi Basil I am not a counselling type of person, I just get on with things. I grew up in a very disfunctional family and came out the other side. I don't think talking about something that happened nearly 40 years ago will help me now .
Nicki I agree I think there is something not quite right but we tried to get help and the dr's were next to useless just giving her leaflets about drinking. One dr gave her ad's and was going to do a MH assessment but she had to be clean for 3 months for this to happen and she couldn't do it. Now she is legally an adult she has to refer herself. I have asked to get her sectioned but they won't do it for substance abuse.
And fair enough spilling it all out, maybe it will help a bit to get it all out and get some opinions?
How old was your daughter when your dd died?
This kind of behaviour always has a reason. You say there's no issues in her upbringing so there's something else going on isn't there?
aspergers in girls
I could be on the wrong track entirely but it's worth considering surely?
gamer yes that's our plan. To limp along for another year, sell up and go - no address details just our mobile numbers. This next year is going to be torturous.
ponyo thanks - no one has died, she is an only child.
My mum and dad have spent their lives 'saving' my sister and trying 'one last time'. She's now in her 30's and still the same.
My poor parents. Seriously, my mum is only 60 and to look at her you'd think she was in her 80's.
There comes a point when you need to save yourself.
I totally understand when you say you almost wish she was dead. I feel the same about my sister. I've completely walked away from her, I wish my parents would do the same. She's pushing them both into early graves.
Well I think if you think there's something going on, then surely it's worth pursuing some kind of diagnosis? She will get help that way, allowances can be made, therapy etc. You CAN be diagnosed as an adult.
Could she be bipolar? The comment of not liking the mundane made me think of that.
She is not doing this deliberately. There could be a genetic component given both your parents were alcoholics.
Very hard to live with though.
nicki thanks for the link. She definitely has an issue I think the drink/drugs are used to self medicate for what ever the real issue is. She finds it hard to relate to others, has no empathy and likes to see others suffer. She is very manipulative and selfish and to use her words I will frighten people to get what I want. She has threatened to stab someone before and threatened to bottle me.
I think there is a genetic predisposition to alcoholism.
She seems to have inherited this from your parents.
I think it's easier to cope when you try to think of addiction as a disease.
Has she ever been into residential rehab?
Does she have an addiction social worker?
There are charities which can provide lots of types of support for both you and her.
If she is determine to continue then consider harm reduction.
She needs to want the help. It's all well and good taking her doctors and to meeting but until she realises she needs help and actually wants to get better she won't (im sorry I sound harsh but I went through a cocaine addiction with my ex and done the same. In the end I could do no more and trying to save him was killing me so I left)
Sometimes there is only so much you can do. It hurts but that might be the wake up call she needs and stop paying her rent for her. Make her stand on her own two feet. Let her fall and fail and actually hit rock bottom.and then and only then can she get better
Agree with OurMiracle you can't make people take the help they have to want it otherwise your flogging a dead horse
The problem with disorders such as this is that awareness has not been that great in the past and I can well believe that the "professionals" wouldn't know where to start.
My dd has a diagnosis but she would never have got it if I as a parent had not known a lot about it (I did part of my degree on autism studies), I knew from early on she was autistic and was able to define what I needed for her. If you've no experience then how could you possible know and you think the "experts" should be aware but they're not.
canary thank you - I know how you feel. That is what I did with my parents, not so easy with your own child but its not far off.
Nicki I agree but if she won't go and talk to anyone (I have taken days off work to go with her/transport her and she refuses to go). I don't know what else I can do. I have suggested that she goes for help but she won't go.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.