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just found out my husband has had another affair

(32 Posts)
imgonnapay Sat 12-Jul-14 06:44:48

Posted a while back about my H and this strange behaviour well I got hold of his works phone records and god I'm such a fool, he's lied and lied there was no one else, his words were I have not been emotional or physical with anyone.
He's already had a affair 5 years ago and when I was in the process of finding out more than he told me, he lied then as well I came across a 3 year old emotional affair through the works phone records (you'd think he'd learn) and I still forgave him, but not time I am going to divorce that bastard this time.
I actually feel quite calm its probably the lack of sleep or that I have waited knowing something would come out eventually I hope I keep on feeling like this.
Thanks for reading this

Vivacia Sat 12-Jul-14 06:55:03

The calmness might come from the fact that for so long you've been second guessing your instincts, and this new knowledge painful though it is, at least makes sense.

imgonnapay Sat 12-Jul-14 07:00:13

Yes I thought I was going mad even my friends did but I just had to keep going because there was so much evidence on facebook and his general behaviour that made me realise I was not imaging it

hamptoncourt Sat 12-Jul-14 07:07:08

Oh dear. Where is he now? Is he at home? Do you have DC?
I would say get ready for the script but it sounds like you know it by heart.

Don't be mad at yourself, you wanted to believe him and that is understandable. It is him that has wrecked your relationship.

Hissy Sat 12-Jul-14 07:08:03

Knowing something is so much better than suspecting something.

Now you know where you are, your fears have been confirmed and you feel in control, knowing that no, you're not going mad.

I find this ice cold fury the most constructive of emotional states tbh, it gets more done.

I'm so very sorry that you've had this happen to you. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach on your behalf sad

Have you got RL friends to help support you?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 12-Jul-14 07:14:01

It's the old saying, isn't it? 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me'. Glad you're not going to let him make a fool of you any longer and hope you follow through this time. Good luck

paddlenorapaddle Sat 12-Jul-14 07:53:59

So sorry this has happened to you have you got a plan important documents, bank statements collect as much as you can wage slips

There are wise mntrs who can help you plan and they'll be here when the shock wears off

Does he know you know yet ?

imgonnapay Sat 12-Jul-14 08:29:55

No he's at his mum's he moved out on Wednesday because I told him I couldn't live with him if he didn't tell me the truth so I think that made him go, not that he told me, I slept in spare room and it took him ages to close the front door so when I got up I noticed things were missing like glasses and his toothbrush so I rung him and he slammed phone down on me.
Yes text him loads of times he hasn't replied so is that a sign of guilt or maybe he's with her, good luck to her she can have him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 12-Jul-14 08:31:29

Why are you texting him loads of times?

Cabrinha Sat 12-Jul-14 08:37:30

Get this clear: men like him do not feel guilt.
You know he doesn't care about you. (sorry to be so blunt)
So - he doesn't answer cos he can't be arsed.
He's hiding out at his mum's thinking one of these will happen:
- he'll get away with it when you miss him and take him back (arsehole is shit out of luck on this one, this time!)
- OW takes him in

imgonnapay Sat 12-Jul-14 08:46:59

Hi Cog, just about the things that made me realise like asking me over and over again how long I would be at the hairdressers, as he was at home that day, he took me and picked me up when I text him, I just knew he had been in the car a long time as his cigs were not in his pocket and his keys were in the glove box, not normal behaviour if you have just left the house, he also text to ask if he could go on a night out with work, that means staying over as he works 50 miles from home obviously that is what made me realise there was someone else, so I've text him that he can now stay in a hotel with her. Yes Cog I have told him the shame on me ode

imgonnapay Sat 12-Jul-14 08:47:38

Sorry if its a bit confusing I haven't had any sleep

Lovingfreedom Sat 12-Jul-14 08:49:17

Stop texting him. He will never 'learn to tell the truth' or change his ways.

imgonnapay Sat 12-Jul-14 08:50:02

I know he doesn't feel guilt only about getting caught

Lovingfreedom Sat 12-Jul-14 08:53:30

You don't need to tell him how you are feeling or what you know about him. Write it down or tell a friend but stop communicating with him like this. It's not going to help you feel better and will only help him to talk his way back. I know it's tempting to splurge out everything and let the bastard know. But it's much better for you once you learn to just cut him off and concentrate on helping yourself and repairing your own dignity and self esteem. Sorry you are going through this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 12-Jul-14 08:56:11

He's not going to tell you the truth, or express remorse, or provide explanations, so save your breath and save your text messages. You said 'I'm going to divorce the bastard this time' so that's your focus.... see a solicitor, get the paperwork going, and put him (and all his lies and women and crappy behaviour) in the past as soon as possible.

imgonnapay Sat 12-Jul-14 08:56:41

I have stopped he hasn't replied anyway

SpringyReframed Sat 12-Jul-14 09:28:18

I've been there OP.

You'll get plenty of brilliant advice on here so here is just a little bit of wisdom by experience.

However tempting it is DO NOT go into the "I should have left him last time" thoughts. You didnt, and no doubt for what were the right reasons at the time. Do not beat yourself up about it, be kind to yourself. If necessary, and personally I think it always its, get some really good counselling, where you can work through all this. I went for long term counselling and also to a psychotherapist trained in hypnotherapy. The latter particularly gave me my self worth back by helping to stop any negative thoughts.

Good luck and keep posting.

imgonnapay Sat 12-Jul-14 10:11:38

Springy Thank you at the moment I don't have any bad thoughts, when it happened last time I fell apart, didn't eat, sleep i was destroyed and in shock, I'm not this time, just so relieved that its over because i have been through mental torture trying to piece together everything and his sister and one of my best friends even took his side over me, they tried to make out I was mentally ill luckily my sister saw that i had had enough, in fact my sister her partner and h all got invited to her house for a bbq one Sunday and me and the kids were left at home on our own when I found that out I was very upset, but she was one of the first I text this morning and she hasn't even replied.

HumblePieMonster Sat 12-Jul-14 11:38:19

Just sending you positive thoughts and vibes, OP.

notdonethisbefore Sat 12-Jul-14 12:43:55

When my ex was having his second affair I had so many bad feelings but couldn't pinpoint the truth. I felt like I was going mad. He would shout at me I've dine nothing wrong. Finally when the two mobile phones fell out of his pocket and he confessed it did feel better. I wasn't mad. But then the sheer raw hurt kicks in.
She was a friend too so friendship loyalties were destroyed.
I stayed with him for two more years too scared to be on my own and believing my attempt at forgiveness made me a better person.
I couldn't get over though how I could love and live with someone who could do me such harm.
I haven't ever regretted asking him to leave no matter what else life has thrown at me. I took control that always feels better.

Stop texting everyone and especially him.

You need time to sort out the practical stuff.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 12-Jul-14 13:14:31

I thought I was going mad even my friends did

All that time he led you to feel like you were the one that was going mad, not being able to relax or 'move on'. Now you know the truth and he still shows no remorse.

You know you’re better than this treatment, you just took a long time to wake up to him. How come everyone else gets to enjoy the lovely side of him and rushed to his defence? You're his wife, if anything you deserved something extra, you deserve a better friend than he could ever be.

They're such master manipulators aren't they? My ex gaslighted me to such an extent I too thought I was going mad.

Whenwillifeelnormal recommended a book by Shirley Glass to me and I realised through reading it the affair never ended and my marriage wasn't salvageable. Thankfully you already know that and can start making plans for a new life.

It hurts so much. Keep talking. I found mn so supportive under my old user name. It's almost 5 years on for me, I look at him now and thank my lucky stars we're not together.

kaykayblue Sat 12-Jul-14 13:30:47

I think in these situations it's perfectly reasonable to get an absolute bastard of a lawyer and take him for every penny that he has.

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