Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Should I just tell him?

(42 Posts)
SingleSock Fri 11-Jul-14 21:18:48

I've been separated from my H for almost a year following the discovery of yet another affair.

Since then he swings between being really nasty and begging me back. He's also bordering on obsessive about me moving on, constantly asking me if I'm seeing anyone, asking if I pulled on nights out, accusing me of blocking him on Facebook to cover up my new relationship, etc.

I've always told him that I have no interest in meeting anyone else which up until recently was true. However, I have since slept with another man and 'pulled' as he puts it on nights out as well as considering dating. Should I just tell him the truth so he stops asking and can deal with it?

I think he will be very hurt and not to mention angry at me which I'd like to avoid for obvious reasons. Not that he ever did me the courtesy of being upfront about his antics mind hmm. I'm kind of hoping he manages to move on soon (if he hasn't already) which will pave the way for me doing the same.

Anyone got any advice on how I should handle this please?

hamptoncourt Fri 11-Jul-14 21:23:12

Yes I do have advice - stop engaging and sharing personal information with him!!

why are you having these intimate conversations? Why can't you block him on facebook? It sounds like you are allowing him to control you and he only has one foot out the door.

Do you have DC with him? If not, just cut all contact. If you have DC then tell him you will only communicate if it is about DC.

I may have misunderstood but it sounds almost like you are enjoying this attention from him? Cut him loose and get on with your life. You don't owe him a running commentary on you life.

Shakey1500 Fri 11-Jul-14 21:25:13

Do you have children together? As in, is there a reason to maintain contact with him?

If not, I would ignore him completely.

If so, I would tell him whether you do or don't (date etc) is absolutely none of his business and you won't engage in conversations about it. That you'll only talk about child related matters, of which your personal life is not.

Quitelikely Fri 11-Jul-14 21:25:59

Why are you engaging with this person regarding your private relationships. It's totally pointless. The more you answer his questions the more you and him have some sort or ridiculous, pointless contact. I think you are flattered by his interest. Just let go.......

SingleSock Fri 11-Jul-14 21:27:00

Yes, we do have DC together. I have no idea why I answer his questions - he will call about the DC and then slip into conversation with me and then will ask about me moving on etc. I guess it's partly out of habit and partly because I don't want to rock the boat with him. I definitely do not enjoy this attention from him, I avoid it if I can but then he gets angry that I'm ignoring him. I just want us to be amicable for the children.

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 11-Jul-14 21:28:44

Stop answering these questions - crikey it's none of his business and he was the one having the affairs.

hoobypickypicky Fri 11-Jul-14 21:29:20

I think that telling him your private business would be the start of a very unpleasant slippery slope. You tell him about this time - and then what happens the next time you date someone? And the next? How long do you think it will take him to decide that having told him of one event he has a "right" to know about others? He won't stop asking, he'll just take the disclosure as a green light to demand answers about other relationships and other areas of your life.

This is your life. Not his. He is an ex and an ex for a reason. He has no claim on your lifestyle, no right to be privy to your personal affairs. You're separated. Free. He shouldn't get to control you. In fact, if I were you and I wanted him to get that message loud and clear (and it seems like he needs it) I'd be filing for divorce. That will tell him you've moved on. Keeping him informed of what you do won't.

Walkacrossthesand Fri 11-Jul-14 21:32:43

Amicable - wrong. Civilised - right. You are not friends, chatting about each other's business - you are co-parents. Next time you are talking about children, and the conversation drifts, close it down. 'Are we sorted with arrangements for next week then? Great - see you on Saturday morning @ 10 am then. Bye.' His motives for quizzing you are not friendly or neutral.

hamptoncourt Fri 11-Jul-14 21:33:35

What boat don't you want to rock? You have split up.

Boundaries OP!!

SingleSock Fri 11-Jul-14 21:35:04

Until I first posted on here, I never really questioned why I actually answer his questions but I have made more of an effort recently to stop. So he had a go at me the other day because I have paid to go to the races and he was critisising me for wasting money. I told him to fuck off and that it's none of his business how I spend my money grin.

I do often ignore him but then he has a massive go at me in front of our children when we do the handover sad. I'm finding it hard to break the habit of pandering to him.

The reason for posting tonight was because he's text me accusing me of seeing someone else because he's noticed I've blocked him on Facebook. I've just text him back saying that I want to stick to discussing the DC only and that my personal life is none of his concern. His answer: 'it is when it affects my kids'.

<face palm>

SingleSock Fri 11-Jul-14 21:37:04

What do I say to that or just ignore?

tribpot Fri 11-Jul-14 21:38:45

Just don't reply. Pointing out the staggering hypocrisy of what he's saying will only lead to another round of recriminations. Just keep stating it's not his business, like a stuck record. Don't try to pander to him for the sake of peace in front of the children, just be polite but firm.

He's preventing you from moving on. Bet he's been shagging all and sundry during the same period. Wanker.

Walkacrossthesand Fri 11-Jul-14 21:39:34

So I take it he shares the details of his personal life theory you, and feels you have a right to comment/criticise, as it 'affects his children'? No? Thought not. You'll need to keep strengthening your boundaries OP - as long as your care of the DC is not compromised by your social life, he has no say in it at all. He won't like that if course, because at heart he feels you are a possession, not a person.

growingolddicustingly Fri 11-Jul-14 21:39:40

Grrrrrrrr he didn't think how it affected his kids when he was dipping his wick did he? I'd be tempted to say that but, sensibly, in real life, ignore, ignore, ignore. Only communicate when it is specifically about your DCs.

Walkacrossthesand Fri 11-Jul-14 21:40:16

Theory = with.

GnomeDePlume Fri 11-Jul-14 21:40:42

It is none of his business. He gave up any right to know what you do when he stepped out of the marriage.

You wouldnt disclose anything about your life to the dustman (who has the merit of providing a service) so why should your ex get to know anything at all?

Quitelikely Fri 11-Jul-14 21:41:04

He has a go of you in front if the children? Don't stand for that! Pandering to him? Why he's a twat who didn't care enough about your wonderful children when he was having sex with other women.

He's a waste of time and space. He does these things to you because you let him. He isn't in control anymore. Don't let anyone disrespect you in front of your kids. They deserve so much more.

SnotandBothered Fri 11-Jul-14 21:41:32

OP I understand. If he was quite volatile/prone to rages when you were together, there is no reason for him to stop now.

And although you are not together, he could STILL make your life difficult and unpleasant and you have DC so can't cut ties, therefore you will do anything not to incite this - i get it, I promise.

So, yes in an idea world it's none of his fucking business and whilst it might seem like you are pandering to him, if you feel that this will cause unpleasant drama, you just need to deliver the information a bit more gradually

So I think that the best thing to do next time he asks, is gently plant the seed that 'actually, you did meet someone nice the other night - nothing much happened, but we'll see....'.

Not enough for him to blow a fuse over but enough to make him realise that it is going to happen and he just has to deal with it.

From there on, next time he asks, I would try to laugh it off along the lines of 'we are not together, why on earth would you want a blow by blow of my social life??'

And take this tack every time until he stops asking.

Apologies if I am projected my own feelings and have it all wrong.

sonjadog Fri 11-Jul-14 21:41:42

Ignore. From now on you ignore all communication that is not about your kids.

GnomeDePlume Fri 11-Jul-14 21:46:56

He will never have a lightbulb moment.

He will never think 'I'm the one to blame'

SingleSock Fri 11-Jul-14 21:47:19

Snot, you have it spot on.

My only hope is that he moves on first but he wouldn't tell me if he had anyway and I make a point if not asking anything about his personal life as well as cutting his attempt at conversations short.

He is a nasty wanker and is/was prone to angry outbursts when we were together. I've already resigned myself to the fact that I will under no circumstances be able to 'get with' someone from our small town. He is very well known in our local area and I dread to think what he would do if he found out sad. Even the thought of telling him that I'm considering moving on fills me with dread. Which is why I lie and tell him I have absolutely no interest in other men.

hamptoncourt Fri 11-Jul-14 21:49:14

Don't respond to his stupid text, just ignore him.

How does he know stuff like you are going to the races? Do you tell him all this personal stuff? Tell him NOTHING.

If he is blowing up at you in front of the DC I would tell him he will need to start using a contact centre where you candrop them off. There is no way you should have to deal with all this shit OP.

It sounds like you have been conditioned to accept it as the norm but you can take your life back now.

If you don't want to drop off at contact centre would you consider dropping DC at your/his family and he can get them from there?

SnotandBothered Fri 11-Jul-14 21:58:56

Single. I know him so well. Not literally, but everything you describe is so familiar. His behaviour/attitude and your reaction to it.

Planting the seed will be the hardest bit and the trick is to make it 'something and nothing' so even though he will be raging inside it will be very difficult to justify an actual outburst. BUT he will understand that you are starting to move on.

Do you think you can manage that? I think you will feel hugely relieved if you do. And after that, he can fuck the fuck off interrogating you.

PM me if you like

PIVOT Fri 11-Jul-14 22:00:44

I'm glad you are shot of this nasty piece of work. Abusive and controlling, their double standards know no bounds. To get out of the pandering mindset, I recommend reading The Freedom Programme and similar resources. I don't know if you consider the relationship as a whole abusive, I can't tell from here, but he's certainly being that way now, just that some of that resonates ie. the feeling you have to explain yourself etc

SingleSock Fri 11-Jul-14 22:01:02

He asks me every time he picks up the DC what my plans are for the weekend. Of course he asks this in a friendly, matey way hmm. I either say 'nothing' or tell him but again it's habit or trying to avoid him getting arsey.

Maybe there is an element of me feeling guilty too because I know he really would like me back even though that's totally out of the question for me and I've told him that. He will often call me about what time he is picking up the children and then start discussing with me what he is giving them for dinner right from going shopping for it to how he will prepare it hmm. I feel like shouting 'I COUDN'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS'.

There is no family available to do a handover unfortunately. The only alternative would be for me to drop them off but I can't really afford all the extra petrol as he has then twice a week and eow. He will definitely not go for a contact centre arrangement and I'm happy for him to have them, just wish he would butt out and stop trying to control me.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now