Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.

Pathetic crush and now I feel like a fool

(92 Posts)
oliveoliveolive Thu 10-Jul-14 23:37:02

I've name changed, not sure what I'm looking for here really but probably just sympathy.

I split up from my ex a few months ago with whom I have a dd - the split was amicable enough.

Post-split I made friends with a lovely guy who I'd previously known about from mutual friends but had never really spoken to him iyswim.

Anyways, we got talking and became fast friends within these few months so much so that we spoke every day and met up frequently on a strictly platonic basis (though I always thought I sensed something more than platonic). There was a bit of flirting but nothing was ever really said apart from how we cared about one another a lot etc and just laughing at how important we are to each other and how it's amazing we hadn't met sooner. He really does seem in awe of our friendship as am I - I won't go into detail but we have in common a few personal matters which until now neither of us had found in other people. We have the same sense of humour and just get on.

So recently I've accepted that I'm ready for a new relationship (to be fair I have been for a few weeks if not longer) and that my feelings for this man go beyond just platonic - he's suffered some personal tragedies this month and it's all been a bit draining for him, I've been there to support him through this and grown even closer to him. He really is a lovely guy and we really do 'click' together well, even mutual friends have said there is an obvious spark.

But then today he asked for my input on how to proceed with things in relation to a colleague he rather fancies - apparently I'm his only female friend and just 'knew' I would have good advice.

I have been friendzoned and it is shit.

I feel pathetic and mortified at the thought of actually having told him my feelings and then finding out he fancies someone else.

Going nc or anything with him is out of the question because he really is a great guy and a wonderful friend but I'm not sure how I feel about seeing him dating someone else if things with his colleague or someone else work out. I feel quite devastated to be honest and not just because he likes someone else but because this 'spark' or chemistry we had is one I've never really felt before. We both recognised that we get along so well etc so I'm quite stumped as to why he never saw a romantic potential in what we currently have. If a man and a woman find a connection between themselves that is clearly strong then why did a romantic prospect only enter my mind, why not his?

Muddlewitch Fri 01-Aug-14 21:33:56

Any update OP? nosey

oliveoliveolive Wed 23-Jul-14 22:50:50

I can't just up and leave because of dd unfortunately, this isn't my native country and all my family are abroad so I have to arrange everything around her dad's schedule which is packed because of the nature of his work! It's frustrating but next week is settled, arranged and fixed so fingers crossed!

AGnu I don't have the balls for that! Maybe after a few drinks I'll stop being a wuss (or maybe he'll stop being a wuss)!

Agnu best advice on MN in a long time!

AGnu Wed 23-Jul-14 01:47:06

Oh come on! Just pack a bag, phone in sick & go! grin Turn up looking fabulous. Mention that you're fed up of being single & need his opinion about what men look for, y'know, because you'd love to get a bf who's as wonderful as him... Say that while staring into his eyes & playing footsie. If all else fails, get drunk & either kiss him or confess all & deal with the consequences in the morning!

oliveoliveolive Wed 23-Jul-14 01:06:29

Hi everyone, apologies for the late response!

Unfortunately I still haven't been able to go! We've been talking for hours on the phone every night though to compensate for not seeing each other - nothing romantic mind, just the usual joking around and mild flirting with the issue of 'us' just looming.

BUT I am seeing him next weekend, FINALLY, arrangements have been made for that and I promise a timely update! I have no idea how to broach the subject but after months of this THING I need to know where I stand!

LizzieBelle Tue 22-Jul-14 20:49:35

W/E away sounds very promising! In my world, men would not ask this without expecting something to happen...make sure your legs are waxed!

ToffeeWhirl Tue 22-Jul-14 20:04:54

Ahem. Some of us are long-timed married and have to live romances vicariously, you know...

SnotandBothered Tue 22-Jul-14 14:51:52

drums fingers

PlantsAndFlowers Tue 15-Jul-14 00:12:33

Can't wait!!! grin

upupupandaway Tue 15-Jul-14 00:07:29

Good luck, but do take things slowly. At face value it looks great but be cautious.

oliveoliveolive Mon 14-Jul-14 23:35:28

Hi all, thanks for the responses!

I unfortunately cannot visit him this weekend as my dd's father is also away at work and I need him to have her over the weekend! I will be going the weekend after though but I think this fortnight or so will give me some time to mull things over. As much as I am excited I think the past few days have given me an opportunity to look at the situation more calmly. I think we do have a spark, I definitely fancy him and I think he likes me too, but I'm not certain about that.

I will update on any progress and the weekend trip when it happens!

Yes, Yes, Go visit, get it under way, I can't stand the " will he,won't he".
Best wishes to both of you.wink

WhatTheFork Sat 12-Jul-14 23:59:45

I bet he fancies you like mad but thinks he's punching above his weight.

Speaking from experience.

Pancakeflipper Sat 12-Jul-14 23:02:33

Oooh go. <marking spot>

upupupandaway Sat 12-Jul-14 22:54:21

From my limited experience, when you have very strong chemistry, it kind of repels us because of it's sheer intensity. I think it must be acted upon, there is a chance his feelings are not reciprocal, a very small chance I think, but what is the worst case scenario? He'll tell you he likes you as a friend? Isn't that better than wondering if you could ever have a future together, if only one of you had the balls to make the first move ?
Be shameless, if it all goes tits up so what?
( it wont he's gagging for you my dear)

AppleSnapple Sat 12-Jul-14 20:15:09

And you must must must come back and tell us how it goes (living vicariously through you!!)
Good luck, go for it, you really have nothing to lose- I think arsenaltilidie's way of doing things sounds pretty clever!

arsenaltilidie Sat 12-Jul-14 18:50:31

Oh go but please don't fall into a FWB situation.

arsenaltilidie Sat 12-Jul-14 18:48:57

He put his cards on the table and you rejected him.

But you didn't mean to reject him so it's your turn.

Just send him something like
"Our friend/s think we should date?"
If he says no, then you agree with him, and say yeah I see you as a friend, I wasn't sure either.

if he says yes, then you date.

yorkierocks123 Sat 12-Jul-14 14:21:25

God I am excited for you!!! yes definitely go!!!

and I like bumblebzz idea of getting drunk and lunge!!!

or if you're not that brave could you just make a joke of it and say something like "so have you shattered all my hopes and dreams and asked XXX out yet then?" or something like that?? although he might think you are just joking. Maybe you could just say more seriously and "by the way I am not joking??"

I really want to know what is going to happen - nothing this good on telly for sure:0)

In my own personal experience I have never felt 'something' and it's not reciprocated and men don't say they miss you if they just want to be friends!!

SomeAreLovin Sat 12-Jul-14 10:35:49

As a guy, I'd recommend trying to have a chat about it too.

I was the male in a very similar situation with a female colleague for around a year.

Tried having 'the chat' with her a couple of times as we were both single and got on great and were basically in a sexless relationship! I also couldn't be 'just good friends' with her anymore but she clammed up and didn't engage in any of my attempts to have 'the chat'!

Took the hint and backed-off completely and she seems to have done the same now although she does try to keep in touch more than I do.

Bit gutted buy hey, just the way it goes sometimes - Good Luck!

Bumblebzz Sat 12-Jul-14 01:13:33

I know it's a bit teenager but can't you just GDAL?

Get Drunk And Lunge?!

Seriously there is a lot to be said to this approach ;-)

I was friends with my now DH for a few years - very much in danger of staying in the "friendzone" - and it took a drunken night out for us to both realise we fancied each other. (Actually I knew I fancied him, I needed him to realise he fancied me!).

PlantsAndFlowers Sat 12-Jul-14 01:08:08

OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ToffeeWhirl Sat 12-Jul-14 00:57:48

Yes, definitely! I think it's really promising that he misses you, olive. At the very least, you can use the opportunity to find out what on earth is going on... (and update us all, obviously wink).

oliveoliveolive Sat 12-Jul-14 00:52:34

Ok well I just spoke to him over the phone and he asked if I was interested in going up to visit him where he's working for the weekend because otherwise I won't see him for weeks and he misses me!

Should I go and take the plunge?!

upupupandaway Fri 11-Jul-14 22:58:41

Email him, he's probably chomping at the bit. What harm can it do?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now