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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Really bitter towards DH

33 replies

BudaBabe · 11/09/2006 13:18

Feeling really bitter towards DH - as some of you know we never have sex - his chouce. He's not interested and/or can't. We have one DS (5) conceived through IVF. I am now 42. Started another cvcle of IVF on Friday and went for an ultrasound this morning to be told that only one follicle developed so not worth proceeding this time. Doc says that due to having 3 days of the stimulating hormone we should get a better result next month.

Obv I am disappointed. Although I was realistic about the changes of it working I didn't expect it to fail this early.

And I blame DH. I wanted to try again 4 years ago but he didn't. I almost left him over it at one point but we went for counselling and I stayed. Of course nothing changed really and then we moved countries so everything was put on hold anyway. Then every time I brought up the subject I got "the look". The one where it is patently obvious that he doesn't want the discussion. Finally in May I said this is it, it's happening. For various reasons we couldn;t do a cycle till now. The doctor kept reassuring me that although I am 42 my hormone levels were very good. Obv not.

So - here i am. 42 with one fab DS. No sex life. No affection unless I initiate it. And I always wanted more children. I feel he has robbed me of my best child-bearing years (not to mention my sexual peak!).

He phone a while ago to see how I am and is trying to be positive. I just want to kill him.

Other than all this he is a great Dad, makes me laugh (sometimes), cooks, shops etc.

I should have bloody left years ago.

Sorry for rant. Can't do in RL as too emotional right now. Should be off out at nice girly lunch now too.

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Twinkie1 · 11/09/2006 13:21

Sorry to sound blunt but why are you having another child with this man if you are not happy with your relationship - I have been divorced and above all the reason for me and XH not being together was because I want DD to grow up knowing what a normal happy healthy relationship is like so that she can hopefully mirror it in her life and be happy.

Ulysees · 11/09/2006 13:25

Budababe I'm so sorry and don't know what to say about the baby
The only thing I can say is I was on the brink of leaving dh recently because of lack of sex. He didn't give me any contact really other than the odd cuddle. I'll post my link as it has a positive ending.
Can you go for counselling alone to maybe try to help you come to terms with your fertility?
You say you should've left but reading between the lines there seems to be a lot of positivity regarding your dh?
How much time do you get without distractions to talk to each other without accustations?
You may be surprised at what's going on in dh's head, men are amazing at hiding things. He could be feeling allsorts of emotions.

Ulysees · 11/09/2006 13:27

Budababe am I right in thinking your hormones will be all over the shop at the moment? It's just women I know who are/been on IVF say this.

BudaBabe · 11/09/2006 13:29

Twinkie1 - thanks for post. I have always wanted more than one child. It was a battle to have the one and now DH is besotted. Other than the sex/baby issue we have a good relationship. I wanted another baby as I have always pointed out to DH that if he denied me the chance I would end up hating him. And I know he would love baby when born. He is an only child (adopeted and adopive Mum died when he was 11). I come from a larger family and wanted DS to have a sibling.

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BudaBabe · 11/09/2006 13:31

Ulysees - DH is your typically repressed British accountant. He has emotions I am sure but they only come out under duress.

Thanks for your post - glad yours seems to have turned out positively.

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thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 11/09/2006 13:31

I can understand your bitterness. But ultimately we all have to take responsibility for our own lives. We can't blame where we end up on other people. I don;t say this to be harsh - the opposite - I say it because it is the one thing that helps me live with certain aspects of my life that are not quite how I envisaged them. However I take a deep breath and say to myself, I'm here because of me, because of my decisions, because of the way I played my hand. Once you see life like you realise it's something you - and only you - can control. No amount of bitterness or naval-gazing can change the past. it's done. what you need to do now is work on the future. you already are, by trying for your second child. You need to make sure this is what you want from here - or, if you can't be sure (let's face it, how many people are ever 100 per cent sure about life decisions), you need to know that you're in control, that you're making decisions, playing the hand you've been dealt - that way you equip yourself to deal with the consequences.

Ulysees · 11/09/2006 13:34

So have you considered adoption?

Ulysees · 11/09/2006 13:36

Oh and my dh is a typically English lawyer who keeps things in. He got a bit of a shock though when I ....and I stress....calmly laid the cards on the table. I find when I nag/rant he just doesn't hear me? Think he realised I meant it by all the eye contact and my carefully chosen words. Plus I've been thinking it over for a year.

BudaBabe · 11/09/2006 13:43

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat - I know you are right. It's just easier to blame him at the moment.

We first considered IVF the first time purely becasue we weren't having sex (I know I shoud have gone then but I was SO desperate for a child). Turned out he has low sperm count so we needed ICSI. I don;t mind that at all. Have no problems with having to have IVF for that reason. It's the fact that we waited so long for no good reason.

Ulysees - adoption. Did consider it a bit but funnily enought DH not keen.

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Judy1234 · 11/09/2006 13:44

Just keep trying. I certainly wouldn't leave him and hope to find someone else to have a child with.
Why won't he have sex? You could be doing that as well as the IVF too to increase your chances. He's your husband. He should sleep with you or get sorted out whatever problem he has that stops him.

Ulysees · 11/09/2006 13:47

Budababe, has dh always been like this about sex? Or do you think the low sperm count could have affected him regarding his feelings of masculinity?

With the adoption, he may have deep seated pain about this issue as he was himself but only he knows that?

I really feel for both of you and I don't give up hope. If only you can get him to open up.

I bought a book from Relate which I'll give you a link to. It has exercises to do and lots of thought provoking items. It isn't just about sex but what goes on in your past and now that affects libido. It's excellent. Dh and I haven't used it but I'm going to show him it.

Ulysees · 11/09/2006 13:50

Relate Guide to sex in loving relationships

Judy1234 · 11/09/2006 13:50

The next IVF may work. My sister's second lot took - lovely twins. He should have sex too even with a low sperm count because that will increase the chances in the mean time. If people want their other half to stay with them they have to realise they have to put themselves out sometime. As he made you wait get him to spend an hour a day doing internet research on overseas adoption from say South America and say you want a talk with him about his findings at the weekend etc etc.

BudaBabe · 11/09/2006 14:07

Hope so Xenia.

I know e shoudl ahve sex but after 11 years I have forgotten how! Not sure I could have sex with him now TBH.

Thanks for the link to the book Ulysees - I may order it.

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Ulysees · 11/09/2006 14:11

Buda I just read the first thread I started in March and can't believe the hate I felt for dh You'd think I was talking about a different man. There's been a lot of stress in our marriage but outside stuff iykwim? I'll link the first thread and later the 2nd and you can see that there is hope.

BudaBabe · 11/09/2006 14:12

God I am typing like cod!

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Ulysees · 11/09/2006 14:13

here it is

So much of what I've said on there is said in anger and fear. Dh and I have loads in common and he isn't as horrible as I made out. Shows how other stuff can cloud the situation. I'm quite mortified tbh.

BudaBabe · 11/09/2006 14:22

Gosh Ulysees - it sounds as if you were almost out the door. Glad it was sorted/is being sorted.

How did you do that?

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Ulysees · 11/09/2006 14:26

the good bit

FullOfTestosterone · 11/09/2006 14:35

Lurker warning!

so... where is this tarot reader Ulysses? Could certainly use her help!

Budababe - So sorry IVF didn't work! Try it again!
with regards to your H try to see it for what it is, i.e if you don't love him is time to go; but if you do, take your 50% share in the marriage and work on it!!

Good luck to all of us!

Ulysees · 11/09/2006 14:37

She's in Darlington in a cafe in town.

BudaBabe · 11/09/2006 14:40

Thanks for the link.

We ahve had counselling and I am sure that there is a major reason for the lack of sex. It wasn;t like that in the beginning but I was always keener than him. We have been for counselling but everytime it gets near the nitty gritty we finish for some reason. And as we live overseas it is not easy to find any English speaking counsellor.

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Ulysees · 11/09/2006 14:44

I didn't realise you were oversees. I'm sure relate would help you though hun as it's a charity. They'll certainly give you avice. I'm currently in the process of training to be a counsellor, just starting. I've wanted to do it for so long but thought having problems of my own would hinder me. That's a load of tosh though as one friend I made on the course is going to Relate now and another 2 were divorced but used them.

Ulysees · 11/09/2006 14:46

I'm off to school now hun but will talk later. You can CAT me anytime or even look me up on Myspace Did you see my link? Oh the shame!!

BudaBabe · 11/09/2006 21:16

Hi Ulysees - had to go to pharmacy to pick up pre-ordered-prepaid medication for the IVF that I now don't need (well this month anyway)! Then had to go to meet DS at a little party for one of his friends. Did me good though.

Feeling a bit better now. DH has been on best behaviour - even took in washing! But still not admitting that the main issue is that I should have done this 4 years ago when it would have been easier. Just keeps telling me that the doc wouldn't recommend trying again if he didn't think it would work.

He just doesn't get that I am angry that he has put me in this position.

Have decided to go home to Dublin for a week - prob on Thursday. Was supposed to go for Oct half-term but won't be able to as may have just had IVF. DH is away Fri/Sat and then Mon/Tues so it makes sense. Will have to taek DS out of school but he is only in Yr 1 so not a major issue.

I haven't even mentioned the sex issue - couldn't while DS was around.

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