Things are very difficult between h and I and have been for a long time. Though there are weeks where things are relatively peaceful, they are always punctuated by rows and bouts of not talking. We have been to counselling together (which h stopped coming to after 5 or 6 sessions together), I have been to counselling on my own (for 2 years) but these things have been like sticking plasters really.
There is so much to tell that I don't know where to start. Suffice to say that though I have done things which have damaged our relationship, I do think that h is emotionally abusive and that I can only remain in this relationship if I accept that our communication is only ever going to be superficial. The problem with this is that it is getting harder and harder to do. The pattern is that we will have an argument within which h says horrible things which will offend me terribly. There will be days when we don't talk to each other. Though I can get over this relatively quickly, h has been known not to talk to me properly for weeks and weeks.
The most recent argument happened two days ago. Dd1 is displaying a lot of symptoms of OCD which is really worrying (she is 10). She has shared a lot of her worries with me not not h so it is not his fault that he was not completely on the same page as me the other night when it all erupted. I have however, recently mentioned that I think she should see a counsellor (would have gone on to talk about CBT in relation to OCD) to which his reaction was very disapproving and loud, saying that was for "namby-pambies" (whatever that means 
), so that was the end of that conversation.
When it all came to a head the other night, I was, in front of dd1, saying what she needed help with (h had come upstairs because of her crying and she had complained to him that she had overheard me and dd2 talking about her so h had at first focused on this) and explaining some of her symptoms (amongst other things, thinking she will be contaminated by plants, not wanting to read her book anymore as I touched it with the same hand I had used to fill the car with petrol - he is already aware of how much she is washing her hands, and she is generally more inactive than usual and very sad looking). At some point in this conversation he turned on my shouting that I wasn't going to do my "cuckoo" thing 
. His eyes boring into mine aggressively. Classic. He can't stand the heat of what is going on as everyone's emotions are all over the place, and he turns on somebody else. He is quite a blaming and bullying character. So I asked him what he meant and he didn't explain but basically repeated the same thing - can't remember exact words.
So I was very upset and went downstairs and out of the house for a couple of hours which I have never done before and we haven't spoken since apart from absolutely necessary. No apology (which there never is) from him or explanation as to what he meant. Was it a reference to our joint counselling sessions (which he tends to think of as being the result of my being kind of crazy at the time rather than a reflection of how crap our relationship is), or the fact that dd1 also has something called "premature adrenarchy" which I took her to see a consultant about 2 years ago. He now resents me for "telling" my ds1 (who had to come along to the appointment as he was 10 at the time) as he (ds1) has in the past teased my dd about it. Horror of horrors does he think that the whole premature adrenarchy thing was made up by me and evidence of me being "cuckoo"??
So when things are bad between us I have a constant pain in my stomach and I literally find it very difficult to function. It is getting to the point where I actually cannot do it anymore. During the 2nd to last argument he said that the reason that he was often rude to me was because I "challenged" him... Evidence of him being blaming.
So this morning, 2 days after the argument about dd1, I asked him where the car keys were which he ignored and also asked him if he wanted a cup of tea. To this he coldly said that he would make his own tea. Anyway he has gone away until Sunday now while the kids and I are going to my cousin's wedding tomorrow (he was invited but did not want to go as he knows that I have talked to my aunt a lot - especially during the periods of time that he was ostracising me - and probably feels that he will be judged).
This kind of thing floors me completely. I have considered divorce for a long time due to our lack of affection and communication and the fact that the atmosphere between us often means that I am lethargic and cannot function. I am beginning to feel humiliated by the situation as, on bad days, h carries on being as pleasant as possible to the dc while ignoring me. Even on ok days, there is no affection between us or conversation about anything other than the very mundane. To talk about anything else often means that h will become angry / defensive.
My dad is of the opinion that I should not leave in a rush and that I have to plan anything like this carefully so that it does not totally ruin my life. So find work and look after the house and try not to let him get to me.
So my question is - how do I do that? My anxiety often means that I don't do what I should be doing... He is not coming back until Sunday but I know that then I will be upset about his communicating with the kids and being loving to them but not me... I feel oddly humiliated and kind of bullied (not saying that I don't do things that hurt his feelings, but really all I would like is to talk properly, but he is very defensive, kind of irrational in his beliefs, and I think, feels above that kind of thing).
So I suppose to sum up, I would like to know, how do you get over being co-dependent on what is essentially a dysfunctional relationship so that you can eventually and if necessary, move on to a separate life?
The other thing which terrifies me is what life would be like separated with regards to our 3 dc (now 8, 10 and 12). I have no idea how horrible or irrational (or not) he might turn out to be in regard to them. It feels like anathema talking about breaking up a family in this way, but being with him and his short temper / irrationality, makes me feel strangled emotionally. Or is it just me being unreasonable ?
There is loads more to say but I have to stop somewhere.
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Relationships
How to stop being co-dependent on an emotionally abusive relationship while still living in the same house.
25 replies
tisrainingagain · 10/07/2014 16:41
OP posts:
tisrainingagain ·
10/07/2014 17:51
No I haven't. Just going to the solicitor took a lot of effort. I tend to be more on the passive side but would like to change this. My Dad thinks the dc would feel abandoned by me if we were to get divorced and I understand what he means. I suppose if you are not available to your children for half the week or whatever, then they might well feel abandoned 
, however much you would rather the situation wasn't what it is.
OP posts:
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