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my wife told me she no longer loves me "in that way"

(73 Posts)
shan2412 Thu 10-Jul-14 12:11:22

Just over a week ago my wife of 7 years told me she doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore, and it's time to call it a day. It has tore me up as we also have 3 kids (5,7,12). She said I am welcome to stay until I find a new place. Over the last week I have been on an emotional roller coaster, from feeling lost to frustrated.

I respect her feelings and she stated she has felt like this for a while and been unhappy. I think to myself if only she had said earlier, but I have told her I am not angry or upset with her but think she is very brave for confronting this. At first when she told me I told her it can be better and things will change but she told me she doesn't think she will get them back and it's pointless me fighting for her. That killed.me but after a couple of day I tried to be positive about it. I wrote her a letter, then sat down and spoke about it.

I faced up to the fact that I took her for granted, didn't romance her enough, moaned about mundane things that shouldn't have really mattered. I faced the fact I was too nice at times and should man up more when she and the kids are involved. She told me about how I was funny and carefree when we first met, to which I have thanked her for reminding me of that person who has been lost.

over a week has passed and I am trying to show her I can be that guy again, it been hard being close to her but keeping my distance. We have hd fun and spoke a lot, but I just want to tell her how amazing she is and how much I love her but don't want to drive her away. She got a new dress yesterday and shouted me in to see how it looked on her, I felt like a teenager again, I thought she looked gorgeous, told her she looked great, but inside I just wanted to grab her and give her the biggest kiss and cuddle.

What should I do? Leave? Fight? Tell her how she makes me feel or is time the only answer?

Ps sorry for any spelling I typed this on my phone.

LiberalLibertines Thu 10-Jul-14 12:14:31

Has this come out of the clear blue sky? Surely you would have noticed if she'd been feeling this way 'for some time'

Any chance she has someone else?

chibi Thu 10-Jul-14 12:16:31

this is a terribly hard thing to go through, and you have my sympathy

winning people back is hollywood bollox tho

if you have told your wife how you feel,and she still wants to split, then that's that, you have to split

be as compassionate and dignified as you can for the sake of your children

good luck x

shan2412 Thu 10-Jul-14 12:28:36

if I am honest it's not out of the blue. I could sense there was something up.

Thing is she has spoke to her mum and she basically told her she is on my side. I have told my wife I am here for her, always will be and nothing will change that. My wife thinks everyone is against here and people think she is horrible. Explained to her that while it hurts me I agree some form of changes was needed, so to and extent I am I. Her corner.

I also don't think there is anyone else.

LiberalLibertines Thu 10-Jul-14 12:37:06

Well,I think the best thing you can do is 'man up' like she said. Don't fawn over her, or bang on about how much you love her, you need to fake it till you feel it, but take control, start looking for your own place, and going out with your friends.

You never know she may find the new independent 'moving on' you very attractive, even if she doesn't though, it's really the only thing you can do.

kaykayblue Thu 10-Jul-14 12:46:46

Sorry OP, this is always a horrible situation to be in. It sounds like she has been honest with you though, and rather than dragging it out, has made it clear that in her mind at least, there is no chance of reconciliation.

As hard as that is, I think you need to respect her feelings on that. It would probably be much easier for you to move out and find your own space - being in the same house sounds like torture.

Branleuse Thu 10-Jul-14 13:04:37

if youve been taking her for granted, and not keeping up the romance together (not just you) then love does just disappear. Its too late to try harder now.

heyday Thu 10-Jul-14 13:10:30

This sounds like an amicable, albeit one sided, separation. You obviously still have strong feelings for her but it seems these are no longer going to be reciprocated. It's time to start looking for your own place and this is going to be very painful for you.
You need to both sit down with your children and gently explain to them what is going on. If mummy and daddy can be good friends then this is going to make the separation easier for them, as well as yourselves.
I think she is wrong to call you in to look at her new dress. That will seriously mess with your head.
I think you need to tell her how you feel, say you would like a chance to save the marriage. If you don't get a positive response then you must leave so you can hang on to some dignity and allow yourself some space to grieve and move on with your life. I would never just walk out on a relationship with someone I love without trying to fight to save it but it's a fine line between fighting to save it and allowing ones dignity to be trashed.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jul-14 13:21:41

If she's told you it's over, take it 100% seriously and make your plans to separate. By fawning over her you're just earning her contempt on top of everything else. I know it's difficult to be rejected and I'm sorry you've been hurt but you can emerge from this experience with some self-respect intact if you behave in a dignified and decent way now. Good luck

KurriKurri Thu 10-Jul-14 13:32:41

I think she has met someone else. Sorry - I've been there, she's showing some very typical behaviour - it's all your fault, you've changed, etc etc. - and now you are questioning and doubting yourself - it's gaslighting and it's horrible. She is trying to blame you rather than face up to the fact that she has done something wrong.

Why did she call you in to admire her new dress? she's playing with your feelings and being manipulative, what a nasty thing to do.
Does she own your house? - if not, or if it is joint owned, you don't have to move out.

Don't dance to her tune, what is the point of being with someone who doesn;t love you for the person you are? The fact is if she loved you, she wouldn;t care that the years have brought changes - it happens to all couples, I daresay she has changed too - it's not a reason to hurt someone and ditch them.

She has made a decision for whatever reason, she isn't going to change her mind, but don't let her destroy your self esteem in the process, and don't let her call all the shots, you have a say in how your future pans out regarding your house and your children, and most of all if she is having an affair don't let the stranger she has allowed to affect your life, have any say in what happens.

It hurts terribly, but it does get better with time, and you will find happiness again, at the moment you are feeling shocked and demoralised and are entertaining false hopes that you will get her back. Expect to move into a phase of feeling very angry before you can move into acceptance and move on with your life.

andadietcoke Thu 10-Jul-14 13:36:56

I did this. My DH 'fought' for me. At the beginning it annoyed me, I was so sure I'd made the right decision and just wanted to be left to get on with my life. He didn't give up. And it took a while, but eventually I realised he was right, and I went back - that was two years ago and we're still happy, and I don't regret any part of what happened because having time apart made us realise we have things to work on, and I think if I'd stayed longer it would have been irreparable.

LokiTheCynicalCat Thu 10-Jul-14 13:56:10

One thing is jumping out at me "too nice" and "should man up more when she and the kids are involved"... Does this mean that you let someone talk down to her, and refused to get involved or defend her, for an easy life? Was there trouble with inlaws?

Or just the usual "I sat back and let her get on with all the parenting decisions and didn't bother".

Because either of those would wind anyone up, and they would have been said to you time and time again, and wouldn't come as a shock....

Bruins Thu 10-Jul-14 14:09:47

Sounds very much like she has her sights set on someone else.
Please don't do the male version of "The Pick Me" dance.

Classic behaviour, rewriting history, not wanting to try making things better, listing your supposed faults.

How can you be as carefree with three kids?
Was the new dress for your benefit?

shan2412 Thu 10-Jul-14 14:11:23

Think it's more of a cause of doing stuff more with her and the kids. Sorting out our housing arrangement, we only have a two bed house and have 3 kids.

I was maybe too nice in the fact I maybe done to much for her. She hasn't worked for 7 years and wanted to go back to college which I didn't think was fair because I was working 50-60 hour weeks to keep the family. I know when I wasn't working for a few months I was pulling my hair out, so I can only imagine how frustrated she.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jul-14 14:18:25

It's not helpful at this stage to go in for competitive blaming. A relationship breakdown is rarely 100% one person's fault and hashing up the woulda, shoulda, couldas turns everything very bitter for no good reason. I know part of you is thinking that if you don't put up a fight she'll feel justified in ending the marriage, but you're entitled to say that you don't like her decision or agree with it and leave it at that.

MerdeAlor Thu 10-Jul-14 15:13:58

Too nice?

Am I reading this right? She's been at home raising your children and now would like to go to college and you won't allow her to because you work long hours? And that makes you..too nice?

That doesn't compute with me OP. There is more to this. You are saying the right things on here but they sound hollow because I suspect you're not actually willing to take responsibility for your part of the blame.
You sound passive agressive.

MexicanSpringtime Thu 10-Jul-14 15:16:51

I think it's very cruel to tell OP that obviously there is someone else. And often, when there is someone else, it is not the cause but a symptom and therefore somewhat irrelevant.

OP, I'm sorry for your situation. You sound like a very thoughtful person, I hope things work out for the best.

King1982 Thu 10-Jul-14 16:02:20

The usual view on here, in a case like this, is that your wife has met someone else.

JeanSeberg Thu 10-Jul-14 16:06:15

I was maybe too nice in the fact I maybe done to much for her

What do you mean by done too much for her? Financed her you mean (in your eyes)?

I'm not sure why it's cruel!
We tell women all the time when their man says 'I love you but I'm not IN love with you anymore' that there's probably a 90-95% chance he's got OW or his sights set on someone else.
Why is it cruel to tell a man this?
It's the script. She's following it nicely.
It might not be the case but we are giving him a heads up in case it is (very likely). The words, the blaming, the rewriting history etc....

I agree with some PPs - do NOT do the 'pick me' dance.
Man up. Separate, get some legal advice.
Can you move out and in with family or friends for a while?
She needs to understand loss and what life will really be like without you there.
It may be a massive relief for her or it may make her realise that you are a good guy and she misses you.
She can't find out any of this if you are there fawning over her.

Why couldn't she go to college?
So you work 50 hour weeks. How many hours does she do looking after the kids and the house etc....? A heck of a lot more than that, I can assure you.

doziedoozie Thu 10-Jul-14 16:20:03

If I was you I would go to see a solicitor first. See where you stand as regards access to DCs.

Does she assume you will continue to work 60 hours a week so that she can continue her life as is. Because I would advise deciding what your ideal would be (with the least disruption to the DCs), such as shared parenting 50:50, which might involve you cutting your hours so you have half the week free for the DCs' visit, or moving so you can get a better job, or whatever you feel would be best for you.

Then you negotiate with her via solicitor what the best future for you all and DCs is.

If I was her and splitting meant I had to change my life totally by getting a part or full time job and paying for lots of childminding, possibly moving to a smaller home I would be shitting myself. If it meant the only change was twattish partner moving out I would be happy.

FastLoris Thu 10-Jul-14 18:40:24

Struggling to work out how she gets to tell you you have to move out and leave your kids. Fuck that.

Kundry Thu 10-Jul-14 19:37:05

You have 3 kids, work long hours and can only afford a 2 bed house.

What is her vision of the future?

Because if it involves you moving out, paying for your property, paying to keep her and the kids in your current house, paying maintenance so she still doesn't work but you do 50-60 hours a week and you don't get much access because you aren't the main carer, then you need to stand up for yourself and get a solicitor ASAP.

EarthWindFire Thu 10-Jul-14 19:43:59

Struggling to work out how she gets to tell you you have to move out and leave your kids. Fuck that.

^ this. Please do not move out OP until the finances etc are sorted for your split. If you went to see a solicitor in your situation usually they would advice the same.

nauticant Thu 10-Jul-14 23:11:02

The problem I foresee for you OP is you being persuaded to move out to please your wife and doing so in the hope of getting back together while she has it firmly decided in her mind that things are over for good.

When it dawns on you that things are done, she'll have the home by dint of possession and you'll be homeless.

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