Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He's Turkish - Cultural differences or controlling?

(50 Posts)
bitconfuzzled Thu 10-Jul-14 12:09:59

I've been seeing a guy recently who's Turkish and we keep having arguments.

He'll "joke", I'll be all serious and then he is pissy because he was only joking and now I'm annoyed at him.

He does not like how I can go from happy to annoyed so quickly but I don't like how his comments make me feel.

Just silly stuff like us discussing something, him having a different view to me, me saying "well listen to my side" and him saying "no" in a serious tone and when I go all "fine then, don't listen" and refuse to give him my side, he's pissy again because he said it while smiling, and even with a serious tone, how can he be being serious if he's smiling?

I can't decide whether it is his tone/accent or if he's just trying to play mind games. As he walked away he was smirking/smiling - and I now think that he's a gamer.

bitconfuzzled Thu 10-Jul-14 12:10:27

Sorry, pressed okay too soon - any advice please Mumsnetters?

NigellasDealer Thu 10-Jul-14 12:11:46

twat-ness is international

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 10-Jul-14 12:12:23

Whatever it is why would you continue to see this bloke?

Pootles2010 Thu 10-Jul-14 12:12:44

Well I don't think it matters really, he's being twatish either way. Sounds like a non-starter, sorry OP.

bitconfuzzled Thu 10-Jul-14 12:16:52

I think I'm trying to get some justification to keep seeing him.

There's all sorts of other stuff which has made me [erm] but this is the latest. I feel like he's seeing how far I'll bend for him.

bitconfuzzled Thu 10-Jul-14 12:17:46

Or even hmm
He seemed so nice at first, but then little things like this keep coming up and we don't see each other without there being some kind of issue

MooncupGoddess Thu 10-Jul-14 12:18:07

Why do you want to keep seeing him? He sounds horrid.

Scarletohello Thu 10-Jul-14 12:18:14

There are certain cultures where it's socially ingrained in men that they are the boss in a relationship and that what they say is right ( exists in all cultures actually but I think certain 'macho' cultures are worse)

I had a partner who was Greek and also brought up in South America. Although he was very romantic at first he did turn out to be very controlling and unwilling to listen to my point of view. It really got me down in the end.

I'd say trust your instincts and stand up for yourself but if this is just who he is, be prepared to walk away. Your self respect and dignity is never worth compromising ( as I've learnt the hard way)

Equally, as already said, he could just be a twat...

Branleuse Thu 10-Jul-14 12:19:21

Keep seeing him if you must, but keep your distance emotionally because this guy sounds like a headfuck

Coughle Thu 10-Jul-14 12:19:46

Who cares if it's cultural? You don't like it and he isn't going to change.

Scarletohello Thu 10-Jul-14 12:19:48

What are some of the other things that have made you uncomfortable or upset?

PoppadomPreach Thu 10-Jul-14 12:20:39

I feel like he's seeing how far I'll bend for him.

This here is the reason you should end it. No-one should feel like that in a relationship. Your subconscious has him sussed and is telling you to get rid.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 10-Jul-14 12:21:45

He's a twat. That's all. Why do you want to be with a twat? Get rid. He's done my head just reading what he does!

LumieresForMe Thu 10-Jul-14 12:27:24

Tbh it doesn'tayyer of it's cultural or not. It makes you unhappy and doubting at a time in actestionship where all should be rosy. NOT a good start.

If he is a twat, the he is and you deal with it accordingly.
If it's cultural, then there are two possibilities. Either it's do etching you can both tempered and will with. So both if you make an effort to listen to each other and not get too stroppy quickly. Or one of you he can't or won't and then you certainly don't have to live with it.

I say that as someone in a bicultural relationship.

"Who cares if it's cultural? You don't like it and he isn't going to change"

This ^^ quite simply.

Kewcumber Thu 10-Jul-14 12:29:13

Who cares if it's cultural? You don't like it and he isn't going to change.

This^

Kewcumber Thu 10-Jul-14 12:29:33

Ha ha - great cross post!

bitconfuzzled Thu 10-Jul-14 12:31:24

Scarlett - Just a few small things. He does like to be in control and pushes little buttons to test the reaction. I feel that his current "you get so angry so quickly" is just a test to see if he can control me and make me all apologetic.

I just wanted to see if it was a cultural difference ie his tone/accent or if he is just being the usual controlling kind that I attract/date.

Back to being single for me I think...

Gettingmeback Thu 10-Jul-14 12:37:16

Culture is no excuse for being a dick. Turkish women think he's a dick too. He's telling you he's hilarious, if you don't think so you're an idiot. And if you are upset or offended by his amazing comedic exploits, you better learn that your opinion is irrelevant. Sorry for sounding harsh, harshness is directed at him being a dick not you wink

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Thu 10-Jul-14 12:40:33

IF you are dating a man who has been raised to believe that women are lesser beings who must always bow down to their man's wishes - or at the very least, keep their disagreement silent and be seen not to contradict him - then you could have problems.

Obviously, plenty of men have been brought up to believe this & yet managed to change their opinions as an adult.

Are you both in the UK already?

zzzzz Thu 10-Jul-14 12:41:40

Lots of rather hmm stereotypes being aired here. There are plenty of unpleasant childish men in all cultures. Having black hair and coming from the East doesn't in my experience cause this.

Can I ask OP why you thought someone being unpleasant to you might be "cultural"? And also why that would make it OK? confused

kaykayblue Thu 10-Jul-14 12:43:45

Culture and nationality is irrelevant in a relationship. It's about the personality of the person you are with. My partner isn't British, but I'm with him because he is awesome, I love him, and we get along brilliantly. The only time "culture" comes into it is when I make fun of his nations terrible music, or he makes fun of British terrible cooking.

Even if it was a culture thing, why would you want to date someone who was culturally brought up to be a dick? An extreme example here, but if someone was brought up in a culture where it was okay to hit their wife when they were angry, would you just accept it as a "cultural difference"?

I bloody well hope not.

Lweji Thu 10-Jul-14 12:47:57

"Joking" rude comments are a red flag.

And does it matter if it's cultural differences or not? If you are not happy, you are not happy. You don't have to accept things you don't like just because they are classified as "cultural differences".
A cultural difference that is acceptable would be food habits (say, sushi vs grilled fish), for example.
How you are treated should be only what you are happy with.

Gettingmeback Thu 10-Jul-14 12:49:47

zzzzz what do you mean by lots of cultural stereotypes being raised when every post has suggested to the OP her issue is not one of culture?

Universally abuse is recognised the same way. The difference is in some cultures the victim isn't supported to do anything about it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now