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Boyfriend not telling wife about me.

(30 Posts)
Verucanorth Thu 10-Jul-14 10:43:33

Am I being unreasonable to want my boyfriend to have told his wife (ex) about me after us being together for 10 months. His close family know about me but I've not met any of his friends as his ex is still friendly with them. I feel hidden.

PatriciaHolm Thu 10-Jul-14 10:46:29

Just how "ex" is she? divorced? just separated? does he still see her?

He's either free to have another relationship or he isn't - or doesn't want to.

LineRunner Thu 10-Jul-14 10:47:46

Are they getting divorced?

gingercat2 Thu 10-Jul-14 10:51:26

Are you and boyfriend exclusive or casual?

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Jul-14 10:53:12

Have the schools broken up already?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jul-14 10:54:07

If his close family know about you, his exW knows about you. If he's hiding you from his friends, dump him....

Are you quite sure she's ex? He wouldn't be the first to have both a wife and a girlfriend at the same time...

Anyone who won't introduce you to his friends is questionable, tbh, after that length of time.

Verucanorth Thu 10-Jul-14 11:14:06

It's exclusive, we're both separated. I'm going through my divorce but he hasn't started his yet. He tells me he wants to divorce her as soon as possible but hasn't got the money to. He still owns a house with her but this will continue as he had a son and doesn't want to upset his family home. My boyfriend lives with his parents.

Verucanorth Thu 10-Jul-14 11:14:29

Has a son

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jul-14 11:16:25

If money is standing in his way, what's he doing to get more money? Does he think that introducing you to his friends is going to affect the course of the divorce? He sounds a bit of a coward to me

Verucanorth Thu 10-Jul-14 11:17:45

He says he doesn't know how to go about telling her and wants to do it in person properly. His original reason for not telling her was he didn't want it to cause a problem with him seeing his son and was worried she might move away but I can't see that happening now as he starts school in September.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jul-14 11:18:54

Definitely a coward then. Not an attractive trait in a man is it?

HarrietSchulenberg Thu 10-Jul-14 11:19:45

Your boyfriend isn't my almost ex-H is he? Similar situation but we have 3 boys together. I strongly suspect he has a GF (which I would be fine with) but he refuses to talk about it - just blanks the question or laughs.

I just wish he would tell me so I can explain to the boys why sometimes he decides to change plans rather than having to blame his work all the time.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 10-Jul-14 11:25:48

With a child involved I understand the need for sensitivity but after ten months I can see why you're perturbed. Are you sure he isn't harbouring some hope of reconciling with her? Unless she lives on the Moon I don't see why he delays "telling her in person".

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jul-14 11:29:02

How long post his split did you get together? Could be that the man simply isn't ready for a relationship of any description.

WhatsGoingOnEh Thu 10-Jul-14 11:31:49

He's scared she'll punish him financially during the divorce.

Verucanorth Thu 10-Jul-14 11:51:56

9 months. He says he can't stand her and would never get back with her. It's making me deeply unhappy and I've told him this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jul-14 11:58:29

Bottom line is he is more scared of her than he is of you for whatever reason, real or imagined So he prioritises her over you. If you're unhappy, tell him it's not working. Say maybe you could hook up again in the future when he's sorted his life out and there's room in it for a partner he could actually acknowledge.

How does it work now? Does he take you out? Or are you a glorified booty call?

Verucanorth Thu 10-Jul-14 12:03:11

We spend most of our time at mine as I have a daughter and it's hard to get out. We do go out as a couple though.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jul-14 12:05:15

You're a booty call... Sorry.

Lookingforabetteryear Thu 10-Jul-14 12:09:12

I was in this position. It escalated until the last possible moment. It turned v v nasty. I'd get out now before you get more attached. He will always put her first.

morethanpotatoprints Thu 10-Jul-14 12:15:28

I'd give him the ultimatum and a time scale.
it is making you unhappy and he is refusing to do anything about it other than offer excuses.

nomdemere Thu 10-Jul-14 12:17:19

I would break off with him - in a calm, friendly way, saying that you have strong feelings for him, but this isn't the sort of relationship you want to be in.

It may be a wake-up call to him that he needs to sort himself out (and if he does, he can come and approach you when he is in a situation to do so, and see if you're still interested then, or if you have moved on).

Or he may just accept it, and carry on as he is, without you. In which case you will have saved yourself a lot of unhappiness.

You can't control what he does - but you can control what you're willing to accept. Don't sell yourself short.

gingercat2 Fri 11-Jul-14 23:17:49

Hmmm I feel some of your pain. My 'partner'of 2 years is still married, and showing no sign of divorce. Initially he blamed money, but that's bs as he finds the money for other things he wants. I've decided I can live with it though. But I think your bf should be introducing you to his friends if he's serious about you sad

gingercat2 Fri 11-Jul-14 23:20:04

I like that advice nomdemere. 'You can't control what he does, but you can control what you're willing to accept.'

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