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Can I have your opinion?

(84 Posts)
Cowapjn Thu 10-Jul-14 01:57:24

Hello!

Me and the ex girlfriend have a 4 week old little girl.

We split up 3 months ago for different reasons (I did t cheat or anything don't worry)

I want to get back together and be a family. Whilst we were split it looked like that would never happen. I booked to go to a dance music festival which takes place this weekend.

Now there seems to be some hope with me and the ex and I'm excited! She's now kicked up a fuss over me going to this dance music festival this weekend. Note - we are both still single, haven't kissed or anything and haven't definitely said we will get back together but the signs look good. Please also note if we hadn't of split up, I would never of booked this festival. I just thought stuff it I'll go and have a good time.

She's now trying to make out I still want to be a mad party animal even though all that stopped when I met her. There's another dance music festival at the pens of August that all my friends are going to and I've been the last 5 years including last year when I went with the now ex girlfriend.
I'm not going to this.

I just want my family. My guys holidays and stuff like that all stopped when I met her long before we was due to have our first child. I have a friend for example who is 28 like me and has a 3 year old. He always goes out partying and on guys holidays etc. that is not what I want to be.

So the ex is now saying me and her both want different things all because I'm going to this 1 day festival.
I've told her I'll not go and it wouldn't faze me If I don't go but she's telling me to go and probably meaning the opposite.

She's even made out that me going I'm not putting our baby first even though of I didn't go, I'd only be stuck at home bored alone so how is it me putting a festival before the baby.

I honestly don't care if I do t go to the festival.

She's said its definitely over anyway tonight and she wants different things to me which makes me think "stuff you I'll go the darn festival then and have fun" but something tells me that would be a bad move and by me not going despite her saying it's definitely over it would prove to her I'm committed to my family!

This is bloody awful sad light at the end of the tunnel finally and now this!

mathanxiety Thu 10-Jul-14 02:11:45

I am gobsmacked that you are 28. When I was reading this I thought 16 at most.

You seem to have no appreciation that your GF has been pregnant, given birth, and is now caring for a 4 week old baby. She is no longer 'single'. She is the mother of a completely dependent baby. Her life is all real, all the time, round the clock, and it's no longer about you, or even her, it's about the baby.

When you talk about how mature you are it's all about not doing things -- not partying, not going to festivals, etc. -- but nothing about what you actually do to actively support the mother of your baby or what you do for the baby herself. What exactly do you mean when you say you want your family?

She is right that you want completely different things. By this I think she means she has grown up and you have not.

You are right that she is playing games with you wrt the festival. You have however disappointed her and I suspect she is frustrated that you are complaining about being 'stuck at home bored alone' when she has probably not slept a full night since the day the baby was born.

You are both better off without each other imo.

TanteRose Thu 10-Jul-14 02:20:27

^^
what she said, with bells on

28 and a father? - you need to grow the feck up

Cowapjn Thu 10-Jul-14 02:29:17

I want to be a good parent but she's not allowing me to be with the access she is providing. I want to change bums, do night feeds, take the baby out to places, do family things etc.
it kinda feels like I'm not even a parent yet due to the lack of access and I put I've had.
I've not missed out on these things out of choice. If you said to me don't go to the festival on Saturday and I'll have the baby over night for the first time so far I'd be over the moon!

As I said I only booked the festival when we split up not knowing there would be hope for us and I would never of booked to go had we stayed together.

When I say I want to be a family I mean I want us to be in a relationship all under one roof watching our baby grow every day. Give me a family holiday over a lads holiday any day of the week.

I know myself deep down I should give it a miss but I also know she is over reacting a little making out I'm some party animal wannabe which I'm not.
If I'm not working I'm sat at home lonely missing my ex and wanting to be with my little girl.

Mum2Lauren Thu 10-Jul-14 02:31:07

This is your big chance to prove yourself, you claim you want to be a family and not be out partying and going to festivals etc. so do it.
She is telling you to go, but its your decision, Whats more important to you ?

WellWhoKnew Thu 10-Jul-14 02:33:00

If you don't want to go to the festival don't go. Offer to clean the house, do the laundry, help her out instead.

You know, do something useful for her and the baby.

She'll be glad of some real help.

But don't dress up not going to a music festival as a grandiose gesture. It isn't. It is not doing what you want to do because you've got a baby to take care of.

Mum2Lauren Thu 10-Jul-14 02:33:36

I want to be a good parent but she's not allowing me to be with the access she is providing. I want to change bums, do night feeds, take the baby out to places, do family things etc.
it kinda feels like I'm not even a parent yet due to the lack of access and I put I've had.
I've not missed out on these things out of choice. If you said to me don't go to the festival on Saturday and I'll have the baby over night for the first time so far I'd be over the moon!

Have you actually told your ex this ?

Cowapjn Thu 10-Jul-14 02:36:48

Yes - she's testing me and saying one thing but meaning another.
Im going to prove I'm not fussed if I don't go and also prove family is more important even though by not going I'll be spending Saturday along with the dog lonely lol
Right - 100% not going. She also has trust issues (I've never cheated but she cheated on me early on in the relationship kissing someone else) so I don't think me going to a festival would help that.
I just want my family back and to be given a chance that it will work.

Thanks peeps. Always know you can get a brutal non biased answer on here lol kinda feels like I've had sense slapped into me.

Mum2Lauren Thu 10-Jul-14 02:40:41

Hope it works out for you, Ask here if she needs you to help out with anything on Saturday instead, Maybe you could take the baby for a walk in the pram also, give her a bit of space and a breather. Good Luck

Cowapjn Thu 10-Jul-14 02:40:52

Mum2lauren - pretty much told her most of that but she's the kinda person that doesn't take things in which means I'm forever repeating myself lol

Wellwhoknew - I do want to go to the festival and I'd have fun. I wouldn't exactly get wasted as I can't hack the hangovers. If I don't go though I'll not be fazed at all.

Cowapjn Thu 10-Jul-14 02:43:14

Thanks mum2lauren! I may ask her sister if she can babysit for a bit and ill spend the money that I would of spent at the festival treating mummy to a nice meal or maybe treating baby.

I just hope her messages tonight her saying it's definitely over and she wants different things to me arnt true.

SavoyCabbage Thu 10-Jul-14 04:07:19

The baby is very young still. Your girlfriend probably doesn't want to go out for dinner while her sister babysits. If that's what you mean.

Take the baby out in the pram so she can have a bath. Empty the bins, mop the kitchen floor, hang the washing out, change the bed. That's what you want when your baby is four weeks old.

Brabra Thu 10-Jul-14 04:21:15

I also thought you sounded about 16. But then so does your partner. I wouldn't not go to the festival personally. It is only one weekend.

WellWhoKnew Thu 10-Jul-14 04:28:54

Yes but you're still using it as a 'grandiose gesture'. Ask her what you can productively do during the weekend to make her life easier. And then do it.

That's what she needs. That's what she wants.

You just want to prove the point you're a decent bloke by sitting around and doing nothing with the dog.

In reality, she hasn't slept for four weeks. Her house needs a good old clean, she needs a nutritious meal, she needs someone to feed the baby so she can sleep for more than two hours at a time. The bathroom needs to be scrubbed. The kitchen needs to be sanitised. She needs some fresh air. She needs a soak in the bath to help her recover - but she can't because there is a baby to watch over.

But you sit there with the dog.

She'll manage.

differentnameforthis Thu 10-Jul-14 04:55:57

Ok, so she doesn't want to be with you, doesn't want to give you access to your child, doesn't need your help, yet you aren't allowed to go one a ONE day festival?

Sod that! She is dictating to you & trying to run your life. Yes, her life has changed, but she cannot dangle the chance of a relationship in front of your face, like a carrot. Either she wants to try, or she doesn't.

It's time she accepts you aren't together anymore & lets you live your life, allowing you access when it is mutually agreeable. Or she tells you she definitely wants to try again. At which point, it all becomes about the three of you.

If you are free the day of the festival, go. If she agrees to access, do that instead, or if she needs help, help her.

But seriously, don't live your life waiting for her to tell you to jump! Because it will get higher & higher & you will fail each time.

Being in a relationship is about give & take, my dh spent several days abroad (long haul flight) recently, by himself, doing his own thing. He planned a trip to do this specific thing & he did it. It wasn't my idea of fun & I didn't want to be away from the dc that long, so I stayed at home with the kids, missing him terribly. I know that when something comes up that I want to do, I will do it. He will stay with the kids.

As an aside, we spent three days together before this, sans kids for our anniversary, so it isn't like I never leave the kids.

This is how we have been together for 25yrs, give & take. He has his stuff, I have mine, we have ours. Neither of us dictate what the other can do, neither of us expects the other to jump to our tunes.

Wanting to go a music festival doesn't make you immature either, who ever it was that told the op to grow up!

I've told her I'll not go and it wouldn't faze me If I don't go but she's telling me to go and probably meaning the opposite.

Sorry, but I cannot stand people who say one thing & mean another, then moan when their partner/whoever gets it wrong. She is a mother now, yes, her priorities changed, so did yours. If she wants you around to do x,y,z, do it. If she says that she doesn't want you around & there is nothing going on in your life, that concerns her or your dc, then go to your festival.

I cannot understand people who play games. I certainly didn't get through 25yrs with the same guy by playing games.

She also has trust issues (I've never cheated but she cheated on me early on in the relationship kissing someone else) so I don't think me going to a festival would help that. Look, I am sorry to say this op, but NOT going to the festival isn't going to help either! If you continue along this vein, every time you want to do something, she is going to give you a reason (valid sometimes, sometimes not) that you shouldn't do it.

If you should get back together, you will resent her constantly stopping you doing what you want. I am not talking lads weeks away, spending $$ on stuff, putting her & dc last, I am talking small things, occasional things we all need to keep us sane! grin

I am not saying for one minute that you should act like you are carefree & single, if & when you become a family unit again. At that stage you base all of your decisions on what is best for your family as a whole.

BUT

If you remain single & things don't work out, at times when you are not with your dc she can't expect YOUR life to stop. YOU planned this festival at a time you weren't together. It isn't as if you have planned something for EVERY day, of EVERY week in the next few months, so even of she did need your help, you both could have worked out a way to make it work, around your commitments.

After all, what would happen if it were a work trip? Would you cancel that if she wanted to try again?

It stinks of her not wanting you, but not wanting anyone else to have you! She wants you to be tied to her, when if you aren't together, it is going to be virtually impossible.

If you were a woman posting this, you would be getting all out support for 'not waiting in for him to make up his mind' as to whether he wanted a relationship or not & being thoroughly encouraged to do exactly what you wanted to do.

differentnameforthis Thu 10-Jul-14 04:58:59

I should also say, that along with give & take, we also have compromise. If something isn't going to work for the majority of our fmaily (there are 4 of us), it doesn't happen. So we don't get to do what the hell we like, when we like.

mathanxiety Thu 10-Jul-14 05:01:06

Yep -- forget the grand gestures, spending money on treats. All that stuff is about showing off that you have money. And forget about taking the baby out places and whatever other things you think are 'family things'. Taking the baby out is also showing off (what a great hands on dad you are.)

Don't take her away from the baby and out for a meal. You are only going to make her anxious and she won't enjoy her time with you. She will feel she is being pulled between you and your needs and the baby and her needs, and you are going to lose that one. Dinner out will be just one more damn thing she has to do for someone else.

Take out the bin, clean the bathroom within an inch of its life, clean the fridge, do a nice big grocery shop, clean the oven and mop the kitchen floor. Do (wash, dry, iron and put away) as much laundry as you can find, and don't destroy it -- pay attention to washing instructions. This shouldn't be a once off either -- come back and do it all again next weekend. Hoover a few times a week in the meantime. Order her some dinner a few times a week so she isn't living on peanut butter and crackers because of being too tired to make something better. Buy nappies.

differentnameforthis Thu 10-Jul-14 05:05:59

Take the baby out in the pram so she can have a bath. Empty the bins, mop the kitchen floor, hang the washing out, change the bed. That's what you want when your baby is four weeks old.

* Her house needs a good old clean, she needs a nutritious meal, she needs someone to feed the baby so she can sleep for more than two hours at a time. The bathroom needs to be scrubbed. The kitchen needs to be sanitised. She needs some fresh air. She needs a soak in the bath to help her recover - but she can't because there is a baby to watch over.*

That's all very well, but in reality the op has said that she won't accept help. And without allowing him into her home (which she is quite at rights to do) he is unable to do it.

How the hell is he supposed to help her if she won't let him? It sounds like she has a martyr complex, but doesn't want him to go to the festival in case she suddenly needs him to be at her back & call.

She is paying games, if she needs help, she should have be grown up enough to say 'I need your help'. If she doesn't need help, she should be grown up enough to say that too & let him go to the festival.

She can't have it both ways.

mathanxiety Thu 10-Jul-14 05:14:25

It is a bit early for regular access, overnight care, etc.
And that sort of wish is about time with some sort of toy or possession, imo. This is a baby, with real needs.

What the mother of your baby probably needs now is active help. What the baby needs is constant care.

Ask your GF if she will accept solid help from you.

If you want access later (in a few months time) then you need to put in a lot of spadework right now.

If you want a relationship again, then you may also need to put in the spadework.

Spadework means offering constant and practical help, and not trying to dazzle her with grand gestures.

I agree with Differentname about the game playing and I hate it too, but I talked about my opinion of this in my first post -- she is probably knackered and possibly frustrated at the 'poor me I'm sitting on the couch bored out of my mind' attitude at a point when she hasn't the time to pick her nose.

mathanxiety Thu 10-Jul-14 05:21:08

She hasn't said she doesn't want practical help with cleaning, shopping, bins out, etc (the kind that a good partner would give) anywhere I can see.

mathanxiety Thu 10-Jul-14 05:22:23

He hasn't mentioned offering any of that good partner stuff.

All he has mentioned is the sort of help that comes under the heading of 'playing with the new toy while you get on with cleaning the toilet Darling'.

McBear Thu 10-Jul-14 06:10:14

Different name for this is spot on! I think people have been a bit harsh.

You clearly have to cancel the festival but it isn't fair that she dictates that to you. You are not immature for wanting to go out every so often

Just support her as much as you can. I think you need to remember baby comes first tho as you've not really mentioned them.

Vivacia Thu 10-Jul-14 06:17:53

I think that you need to forget about being a family. Just deal with being parents.

She can't have it both ways, and dictate how you spend your free time. But from her point of view, her free time has just vanished in smoke, so you can see why she'd be conflicted.

You have to get some kind of formality to your relationship with your child, otherwise there'll always be an excuse as to why she can't spend time with her father.

VeryStressedMum Thu 10-Jul-14 06:34:14

Hmmm...I can see both sides. I've been a new mum and of course you're knackered and have no free time etc so I can understand how she feels about you 'swanning' off to the festival while she's at home with the baby...But at the same time she doesn't want a relationship with you and not a great deal of contract with your baby so of course you'll have more free time than her. That's just the way it is in this situation.
Yes it's unfair that she says you shouldn't go to the festival, or rather that you know she doesn't want you to go, when if you didn't go you'd probably not see the baby anyway however maybe she needs to see what your priorities are and if you'll be the family man she wants and needs you to be.

VeryStressedMum Thu 10-Jul-14 06:40:47

And she might be annoyed that she had to tell you not to go and that's the only reason you're not going, she probably would have liked you to have come to that conclusion yourself, which could be why she's saying you both want different things.

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