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Does anyone remember? Things are pretty crummy now

(324 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Links to earlier posts

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1813521-Waves-is-determined-to-keep-winning-now-that-Acrobat-has-arrived

My little acrobat is nearly one. This time last year his MN aunties were cheering him on. I've survived a year but things are tough. I have pnd which has been worsening, and was signed off work a couple of weeks ago.

My new job is very stressful but also Twunt continues to mess with my head. I cannot let go. He clicks his fingers and I'm like a bloody lap dog. I hate myself.

I'm not really eating anymore. I find it hard to smile. It feels like my children would really be better off without me.

Smilesandpiles Wed 09-Jul-14 16:42:16

Hang on, how can you say you are not good enough but yet you have done the hardest thing possible and actually left that relationship and divorced him?

There are hundereds of unhappy relationships, possibly thousands, that are limping on for the "sake of the kids".

You've got a helathy baby, a house in your name and more importantly, you know what you want out of a relationship - most people just think they do and wonder why it always breaks down.

You have achieved more in these past 12 months than some have in their entire lives.

You are so low but you are still strong enough to be thinking about the health of your son through your milk and what you are putting into your body..jesus, and you still think you are not good enough? Despite everything that has been thrown at you, you are still battling along, even if you don't think so. You are so much stronger than you think you are - you've already shown that, you just need to believe it yourself.

Smilesandpiles Wed 09-Jul-14 16:43:09

you can spell better than me too! I bet you proof read your posts as well! grin

Iquitelikeapples Wed 09-Jul-14 16:55:17

You haven't let anyone down. & probably the most inspirational thing you've done is shout out for help when you need it. That takes serious courage.

minniebar Wed 09-Jul-14 16:55:28

It's not that you're not good enough - you're just not right for each other because he is a selfish bastard

IAmNotAMindReader Wed 09-Jul-14 17:06:10

One step at a time. You are good enough for a great many wonderful things, its him that isn't good enough for the love you show him because of the way he treats it, you and your family.
You have achieved so much despite feeling this way, keep going and don't be afraid to admit you need professional help twunt detoxing.

While you continue to open the door to him in your life, that door is closed to anyone else.
He isn't right for you and that's down to his fundamental character not you. It's ok to admit enough is enough it isn't a failure, its allowing yourself to grow and move on.

Best wishes for the future.

Itsfab Wed 09-Jul-14 17:22:44

You will never be enough for him as he is an abuser and you are too strong for him. Not being enough is a GOOD THING. I hope someone better with words can articulate what I mean. I am currently in worse pain than labour so can not get my words in the right order hmm.

I can't say you are loved by me as I am weird and only love my husband and children but you are cared about, worried about, thought about. You are loved by your children. Don't deny them a happy future because you think you can't strong. You are SO strong. There is a poster on here who needs to be even a tenth of how strong you are and she would have a happy life but she doesn't think she is worth enough and is about to make a huge mistake.

You have already done the hardest bits. Stay strong cake.

APlaceOnTheCouch Wed 09-Jul-14 17:47:53

Waves you haven't let anyone down. We all know how difficult it is. Plus, remember that for every effort you are making to move on and build a new life, he will be trying to make a contrary effort to keep you where he wants you. It's incredibly difficult to move on.

You've managed all the practical steps, you amazing lady! The emotional ties are harder. Of course they are - you have a dc together.

Be kind and gentle to yourself. There isn't anything you can do that will let MN-ers down. You just need to give yourself space to be you and take any support you can find in RL (with only one exception - don't let him be your support as his is given with an agenda not freely).

whatsagoodusername Wed 09-Jul-14 18:12:30

You are good enough. You have accomplished amazing things. And you have lovely DC who love their mummy.

thanks

mistlethrush Wed 09-Jul-14 18:21:29

Think of him having been an addiction... its really difficult to give up on an addiction, and sometimes you have a little relapse - but that's all it is - a temporary lapse. Don't beat yourself up about it, look forward and plan the future with your lovely family and make plans for them and you without any more setbacks!

I feel so stupid mainly. I have been sleeping with him thinking it was on the road to happy ever after. But it's not. And I know he's been an utter cunt and that I'd never be able to trust him at all. But this stupid part of me keeps going back.

This isn't the life I wanted. Am seriously going to investigate whether I can get some neutral ground for pick up and drop off of Acrobat. And regardless of what anyone says, I was not enough for him or we'd still be together

It's not that you are not good enough waves. It is that you are TOO good. He is a cunt. And I absolutely hate and despise that word. He is using you. Getting off on the power. Don't let him!

You are worth ten of him. And I hope he is reading.

He could have had something great with you, your DCs and Acrobat. But he can't help himself shitting on anything good in his life. His first marriage. Your marriage. And I bet every other relationship he has ever had.

Itsfab Wed 09-Jul-14 19:27:01

Many of us have gone back to something wrong because we wanted the fairy tale happy ending. Doesn't make us stupid. Just makes us need to learn quickly that we will always get the same result.

You are incredible. You are bringing up three children on your own. I find it hard enough with a husband who does loads. Hats off to you. Now go and get a cup of tea and a big peace of cake then tomorrow bag up all his stuff and get it and him out of your house and head.

isshoes Wed 09-Jul-14 19:39:23

His behaviour is no reflection on you whatsoever. If the false logic you are using were true, it would mean that all of the people who are treated like shit by a partner are unworthy human beings - and I KNOW you don't think that. His behaviour is purely a reflection of himself. He is the one making you feel like this - although your PND I'm sure doesn't help, and I think once you have made the emotional break and started to feel stronger, you will remember to love and value yourself.

Nanny0gg Wed 09-Jul-14 19:52:33

I was not enough for him or we'd still be together

This is the twisted thinking that needs to be addressed.

No-one is 'good enough' for someone else. They are suited (for whatever reasons) or they're not. It has nothing to do with intrinsic 'goodness'. You weren't right for him (I highly doubt anyone is, unless they're a multi-millionaire courtesan) and he is most definitely not right for you in any way, shape or form. Or anyone else for that matter.

Please discuss this with a counsellor. If you could get out of this mindset you would be able to walk away.

You have done so amazingly well, getting through the pregnancy and birth, caring for your other children, sorting out your house and lodgers and working. And all on your own.

Give yourself a break!

wyrdyBird Wed 09-Jul-14 19:55:48

Hi waves. brew
Neutral ground is a great idea.

I don't think you will want to hear, but will say this anyway.... there is no 'good enough' for a person like your ex; because nothing, and no-one on this earth, will turn him into what he is not. It just can't be done - not by you, not by anyone.

He will never give back. He will never become anything else, or behave any differently. Not for anyone.

I really hope one day you will look for love where there is some to give.
In the meantime, thinking of you, and hope you will feel able to post no matter how you feel, and no matter what happens.

minniebar Wed 09-Jul-14 21:05:54

He isn't good enough for you, because he can't/won't:
- respect you
- cherish you
- see you as his equal
- see your marriage as a partnership
- love you.

Have you read Reality's guide to relationships? Will try to link…

minniebar Wed 09-Jul-14 21:09:47
ShadowsShadowsEverywhere Wed 09-Jul-14 21:13:54

Waves do you know why a lot of men abuse? They are so insecure (because of dysfunctional upbringing) that they don't think their thoughts, feelings and words hold any power alone. In every day life they bluster along, bluffing the confidence, oozing the charm. But in a relationship they can't maintain that indefinitely. Most men that abuse fear the inferiority they feel next to their partner, they fear their words and thoughts and feelings hold no power. They are scared that because they are inferior they will lose control of their partner, that they won't be able to keep you theirs and so they manipulate, intimidate, name call, verbally abuse, twist and seep poison in order to keep control. They feel better the lower you sink because then they know they hold the cards.

If you weren't good enough for your ex he wouldn't need to abuse you. Your ex wants you down and to stay down because he sees your strength of spirit, your intelligence, your compassion, your loyalty, your character and he fears them because he knows he can never have them. He fears you Waves, and that fear will drive him to destroy you over and over and over again until you're utterly broken.

Don't let him. All across the country there are thousands of women like you and me, and others on this thread who have fought to break free from twisted men like this. We are sending you strength, we are sending you courage and we are reaching out a hand. You can do this, and you will do this because you won't let him win. You won't let him break you down until there's nothing left because deep down you know you are worth more than this. Every single person on this thread is sending you the strength to keep fighting, to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It will get better, the pain will pass and we will be beside you all the way.

Chin up Waves, you can do this.

KiwiJude Wed 09-Jul-14 22:17:48

Oh Waves, every single time I come on to MN I think of you and wonder how you are doing.

Neutral ground for Acrobat drop off/pick up sounds like a very good idea, apart from that I have no advice that would be worth anything to you.

You are such an amazing woman Waves and you have your beautiful children who are a testament to you. You haven't let anyone down, reading other MNers posts shows how much you've helped others. Take care, keep posting.

zippyrainbowbrite Wed 09-Jul-14 22:44:37

Hi waves

I'm not sure if you will remember me, but I was on the antenatal thread with you - I have pm'd you.

MsPavlichenko Wed 09-Jul-14 22:49:30

Another long term admirer, well done on what you have achieved. You are divorced, and financially apart.

Can I ask how he is working out as a Dad? He is such a bastard as a human being I struggle to imagine him as any sort of parent.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 09-Jul-14 23:01:22

Another MNer on a thread of yours last year suggested your ex has had no reason to change, why should he, he still does as he pleases and gets what he wants, however degrading his treatment of you. He's got his fairytale. As little input as he can get away with, freedom to do as he likes with whomever he likes, zero responsibility - it's not that you weren't good enough, you were perfect - this way he has his cake with jam on it. Remember in twunt world it's only ever been about him.

You're changing your perception of him. Any twunt shaped hole in your future won't last long you know you're loved by your DCs. And waves as mentioned upthread, the longer your ex is a blot on the landscape there'll be less opportunity to heal and fewer chances of meeting a new person who actually enhances your life and gives back as much as you do.

ljny Wed 09-Jul-14 23:01:38

You are too good for him. That's why he left.

He's a user - you bought him a car, took him on holiday - that's what he wants.

He won't 'll stay with a competent woman, caring woman - and he'll never stick with a mum. He's too selfish. He leaves, or he manuvers the woman into kicking him out.

It's not you, love, it's him and it's your bloody mum who set you up to fall into his trap.

grumpasaur Wed 09-Jul-14 23:12:56

Oh waves. I don't know you from before, but my heart just breaks for you as I can relate all too well to what you are saying and how you are feeling.

I have an abusive ex who had the same impact on my self esteem that it sounds like your ex is having on you. Over the years he slowly beat me down (and I am a strong, witty, intelligent, good person!) until I was a shadow of myself.

I changed soooo many things about who I was and how I behaved, trying to be "good enough". I too believed that if I wasn't good enough for him,I definitely wouldn't be good enough for anyone better.

These are the things I put up with before I finally, finally, finally left (and again, I know you don't know me, but I am by all accounts a pretty good catch!):

- him forcing me to sleep with my friend and tell him about it

- him forcing me to sleep with his friend so he could listen

- him raping me with a different friend

- not being allowed to text him or call him or communicate at all without his permission

- him cheating on me countless times, and blaming me for "just not getting him"

- him calling me every name in the book, and isolating me from my friends and family

- him waking me at all hours of the night (when I was 'allowed' to stay over) demanding sex

- him gaslighting and blocking and gaslighting and blocking

- him telling me I was: fat, ugly, desperate, needy, demanding, controlling, crazy, unloveable, etc

- him ignoring me or freezing me out for days and then losing his temper if I didn't respond immediately when he deigned to be back in touch

- him refusing to take me to the hospital or visit me in the hospital when I lost over three pints of blood due to a complication due to a cervical operation, because HE insisted we have sex before the recommended six weeks!! He said it "wasn't his fault I have in so easily" and then when I was in hospital "it wasn't fair for me to me so fucking demanding that he come... If he wanted to come he would"

- him saying to me once "no wonder your mom tried to kill herself when you were younger"...

And the list goes on and on and on and on...

I stayed for years. No children together. My friends never stopped supporting me, and even though I felt like I let them down every time I went back, I now realise that the only person I was letting down was myself- my friends all loved me no matter what and just wanted to do whatever they could to help me get safe and happy.

And, now I am. But I had to move cities to get away from him. It was wholly worth it!

YetAnotherHelenMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 09-Jul-14 23:18:31

Hi wavesandsmiles,
we're glad you're posting again and only wish that it were under better circumstances. You clearly have a lot of support on Mumsnet, which is wonderful, but we also want to link to our mental health webguide, which has a list of possibly helpful numbers as you're going forward.
Take care,
Helen MNHQ

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