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He said he doesn't feel anything for me anymore-my life is completely shattered

(51 Posts)
Titsyandmitzy Mon 07-Jul-14 15:40:42

Please help me, I didn't ever think I'd be in this situation and I've got no one to talk to. This morning my husband told me he doesn't think he loves me anymore and I'm completely shattered by it.

We have been together 8 yrs and married for 4. We have a 2.5 yr ds. When he was 9 months old everything in my world fell apart. My dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my nephew was born at 26 weeks and very ill in hospital for months, my grandma died, my husband was made redundant and my dad then passed away. This all happened in a very short space of time. I suffer with anxiety which I've had to keep under control through all of this. I didn't take to motherhood easily and found/find it exhausting, I'm not sure if this is just because I'm crap or a knock on effect of everything else going on. I love my DS to bits and I think he's been the thing that's kept me going. But it's been hard raising him with all that going on too. It's safe to say I probably haven't been the best wife. It's been just over a year since my dad passed and I'm still grieving - it's still as horrendous as in the early months. I worry about my mum a lot and as I'm the only one around (both brothers live 2 hrs away) I spend time helping her etc. I also work 3 days per week. The past 2 years have been utterly shite.

His situation isn't easy either - he lost his job and has built up his own business from scratch during this last year. He's very stressed with the workload but bottles things up. During the horrendous time I've relied on him a lot for house work, cooking etc when I've just found it all too much with everything else going on. Not all the time but he's really stepped up and been amazing. But now this seems to have backfired he's stressed up to his eyeballs and I've made him fall out of love as I've been so useless.

We've had a few major arguments in this shit 2 years about the way he behaves when he goes out with friends. He will get himself in stupid situations like walking home through unsafe areas alone in the middle of the night, very drunk and vulnerable. We row because I don't understand why you'd put yourself in those situations when you have a family to consider. One occasion he did get attacked and ended up in hospital. This was the worst incident but there have been 4 or 5 major arguments in this bad period of my life where he's put himself in silly situations.

One row occurred last night and this is how it all came to head. He's extremely stressed with work and says he doesn't know where to turn or what to think anymore. His head is all over the place. He doesn't feel like he loves me. I feel like I've been a useless wife and my world has come crashing down because I haven't been making him happy. I never saw this for my DS and it breaks my heart to think of what his future might be. I don't think I can cope with al this. Sorry for rambling on, I just needed to get it out. I think I'm still in shock.

ThePinkOcelot Mon 07-Jul-14 15:51:24

So sorry you are going through this. Sounds like you have had a crappy time of late.
How has he left it? That he doesn't think he loves you and wants to split or does he think you can just carry on now he has dropped this bombshell?

That line is the cheaters script for 'I've got or am interested in another woman'
However, with all that you have going on it could be something else on this occasion.
What is a 'Good Wife'?
What does that look like to you? To your DH?
Because as a 'Good Husband' he should be supporting you through all of this.
You should be supporting each other.
Are you now doing that?
Can you get some counselling, alone or together?
You've had a seriously awful time of late and I can't possibly imagine how dreadful it has been for you all.
But families can and do come out the other side of these things.
I think you need to sit down with him and do some straight talking.
Where is your relationship now?
Where do you want it to go?

I know I would not want to be with someone who doesn't love me.
But he could be depressed and may need to visit the GP.

thanks for you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 07-Jul-14 16:21:26

Firstly I seriously doubt you have been a useless wife, you find motherhood difficult but you have between ypu raised your little boy, you work, you support a bereaved parent whilst still grieving yourself.

I wouldn't necessarily think there is an OW lurking, DH is just as likely someone who has tried giving support through several worrying life events and has now reached breaking point.

Titsyandmitzy Mon 07-Jul-14 16:23:33

This was this morning, I rang in sick. He had to go to work after having the conversation as he's a self employed tradesman and no one else can do the work. He is saying different things. He seems all over the place and I suggested going to the dr today about the stress as he's going to make himself ill.

I asked all the normal questions like how long as he been feeling it but he just seems completely confused and messed up and says he can't think straight. I know the obvious answer from the outside is OW but I genuinely believe it's not. That may well come back to bite me but I don't think it is

When someone says that it is nearly always OW.
But I don't think it is either in this case. Which is what I put in my PP.
Get him to the GP.
Hopefully he can be referred for counselling.
He may need meds.
But that is your first port of call.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 07-Jul-14 16:33:33

Talking to somebody in rl would help him. If there isn't anybody, persuade him to see his GP, try a good therapist?

The risk-taking stuff he does is him letting off steam. He could end up damaging himself. Telling you he doesn't feel like he loves you is another risky thing to do. On some level he may think it's a way of ensuring his thoughts and feelings are prioritised.

vertec Mon 07-Jul-14 16:38:40

My DP and I went through a similar thing due to my mum's teminal illness and then eventual death. I started to rely on him a lot, and was probably low-level depressed for a couple of years. We grew distant because he couldn't understand what I was going through. Sad to say it broke us and he is now my ex-DP. For him I had been a rubbish partner and, as he put it, "not much fun" for 2 years. For me, he had failed me at the time I needed him most.

I often think that if he has just hung on in there and supported me emotionally then he would have got the best version of me - how I am now. I am stronger than I have ever been. Independent, stable and with a renewed sense that life is precious. He doesn't get to enjoy that though because he walked out the door.

I think if you can then you should admit the things that you have failed at these past few years, and tell him that it won't always be like this. Grieving is a process and you do eventually come out the other side. If he can support you through it you will be stronger than ever because it is the ultimate test of a partnership. But also remember that if he can't be there for you in the absolute worst of times then he is also failing to do his part.

So sorry about your dad, I think of my mum every day, it is a pain like nothing else thanks

AcrossthePond55 Mon 07-Jul-14 17:04:03

It sounds like both of you have been dealing with unbelievable stress for some time. Unfortunately when a couple is dealing with their own stress often the need to also help their partner with their stress becomes 'too much to handle' and marriages break down. Perhaps you should suggest couple's counseling so you can 'get your marriage back'.

FoolishFay Mon 07-Jul-14 17:27:09

Sorry to hear you're going through all this. This was us 18 months ago - but without the added trauma of bereavement. We went through a period of severe stress through a business sale and were in terrible financial difficulties. My DH felt the relationship had failed and moved out. I was devastated. I think I was suffering from low level depression and I believed he was severely depressed and under great strain. Three weeks later he collapsed with a near fatal heart attack.

We had a tough 6 months of separation but he got a new job on his recovery, his self esteem, confidence and earning power greatly improved and we are reconciling. It's not all plain sailing, there was another woman in the background but it wasn't the primary problem. We were just overwhelmed with about 4 years of continuous strain.

Offer support but back off emotionally and I would focus on yourself and your child and maintain your own boundaries. I wish I'd done that more, but you don't need to give up hope yet, if you don't want to.

I hope it all works out for you all.

FoolishFay Mon 07-Jul-14 17:31:57

For what it's worth, initially my DH blamed me; he issued me with a quite frankly ridiculous list of my supposed failings - mostly around housework and childcare. Even in my distress, I knew this was utter bollocks and I knew this was about his inability to cope rather than anything to do with me. He subsequently told me he had to try and convince himself he wasn't just bailing out like a huge selfish coward....

FoolishFay Mon 07-Jul-14 17:37:05

I also endured some very risky behaviour around other women as well as awful financial recklessness. He said afterwards it was pure escapism - he was trying to distract himself from the mess he was in and the pain he was causing. It was a nightmare and I could never have envisaged we could build anything constructive again. But we seem to be doing so!

settingsitting Mon 07-Jul-14 17:43:31

fwiw, I just think that he is very stressed indeed.

Personally I wouldnt be taking too much notice of what he is saying at the moment.

I would just tell him that we will talk about him not loving me later, and tell him that you will help as much as you can with his work and other issues.

I think that you will find[could be wrong] that he will be very grateful not to have to bother thinking about whether he loves you or not.
It will release him from having that to worry about too.
smile thanks

Oh, and be easy on yourselves, both of you.
Now is a time for pulling together.

If you are going to part[largely doubt]there is plenty of time for that some other time.

Titsyandmitzy Mon 07-Jul-14 19:42:33

Thank you so much for all your replies, it means a lot. I agree about the need for him to go to the dr's as the first step. Hurt aside, I'm genuinely worried that he's on the way to a breakdown.

I suggested couples counselling and he said he needs to figure out his own head yet before he can think about whether that would be worth doing. He says I've not done anything specifically wrong. There's just distance between us where we've not been putting each other first. He said is this just a sign that we just couldn't be bothered with each other? I think it's a knock on effect of the other stresses but am I just clinging on to that hope? I know myself we've neglected each other but this is a complete bombshell.

I actually thought our lives were looking a bit better lately - we had a nice holiday together in May, we've even talked about having another baby and it was him saying this more than me. I tried to ask when his feelings began to fade and it does sound like only after the other stresses started. But has too much damage been done? I'm sorry, I know people have posted to say they've come out the other side but my mind is in a whirl and my thoughts are just coming out jumbled.

I know this happens an awful lot but I really thought and believed our marriage was for life. My heart breaks for my boy.

Titsyandmitzy Mon 07-Jul-14 19:50:53

He is always saying to me how his friends comment on what a great marriage we have, how we're strong and he has a good one in me as compared to others I'm laid back and easy going. He still has freedom and I'm not at all jealous or possessive. We basically have what others view as a good relationship.Obviously they don't see the other side of it where it's been understandably hard and strained for the last 2 yrs but there must be something good there for people to have that opinion on us.

He also said though that in recent weeks if someone made a comment along theses lines then he'd think to himself "then why do I not feel love anymore". Sorry, I'm rambling again.

Titsyandmitzy Mon 07-Jul-14 20:43:55

Shameless bump - sorry

settingsitting Mon 07-Jul-14 20:55:07

Personally I just dont think that he has enough headspace to love much at the moment,

Also, he just isnt thinking straight. Though he may think that he is.
Best to not say too mucha nd concentrate on day to day practicalities.

tbh, he may be depressed.
A classic sigh of depression is not thinking straight.

My guess is that he is finding it very hard to cope at all. With anything.
He very much needs a break from work.

Try not to worry yourself. I know that is easier said than done.

Titsyandmitzy Mon 07-Jul-14 22:35:22

Thank you everyone. I really don't see how I'm going to cope if it is in fact over. I know this happens to lots of people all the time but I'm not that strong. I think I'm still in shock

FoolishFay Mon 07-Jul-14 22:59:21

Don't rush to any conclusions just yet. I felt exactly like you, couldn't imagine any sort of life ahead of me. I lost 3 stone in 3 months I was in such a state. But during our 6 months separation, I started to do more and more things for myself - and had some good and positive experiences - you are much stronger than you think you are - and lots of people were amazingly supportive.

He may need some time to work things out. Don't make his existential crisis the focus of your life. Forge ahead with your own life, get out and do things with your child. If you do split up - you will have the makings of your new life. If you stay together, it's much healthier, I've learned, not to live in each others pockets.

You will cope whatever, honestly. Your child needs you and people will help you. Wishing you all the best.

Titsyandmitzy Tue 08-Jul-14 07:58:43

I just can't believe this has happened, I feel sick and couldn't sleep. He says he wouldn't of said this lightly. I just can't imagine my life alone and not as a family. How on earth am I meant to function, hold down a job and not let this affect my DS?
Is it possible for someone to think they don't love you but then do again? I'm aware of how pathetic that sounds.

settingsitting Tue 08-Jul-14 08:02:16

imo, it is my opinion that it is possible for them to think they dont love you and mean it.
But they are stressed/overtired/overworked/anxious/fearful etc that they are not thinking straight. In other words they are thinking incorrectly.

Talking much about anything at this point is pretty useless. Because until they are out of the consuming tiredness, they will continue with muddled thinking.
In fact making much decisions more than what to have for tea is not good also.

settingsitting Tue 08-Jul-14 08:04:45

The best thing you can do is only talk barely to him. Not be rude but a bit stay out of his way. Or smile and give him an occasional pat or light hug.
Actions, not talking.
You are both going through a storm. Just aim to get through it unbroken.

FoolishFay Tue 08-Jul-14 08:33:35

My DH said at the time he didn't think he loved me - he says he does now, frequently, and acts in a way that supports that. I always believed he was in such a crisis, I represented everything he thought he needed to get away from - oddly enough, it wasn't personal, it wasn't about me as a person. I recognise now, painful as it was, we both needed to call a halt to that situation and I don't think we would have reconciled properly unless we'd had a break from eachother.

I agree with settingsitting, get some space between you, don't be clinging to him, you can't support eachother right now. Look after yourself and your child.

Phoenixrising99 Tue 08-Jul-14 09:04:19

My husband left, gave me the same lines. Turns out he was having an affair. Anyway we are separated now.
Not that i think you are in the same boat as you probably arn't but one of my husbands lines was that I didnt communicate with him anymore, he didnt feel connected to me. And although that is a massive excuse on his side, to shift blame etc, although he NEVER tried to talk to me about how he was feeling, (he just found someone else) my point is that I was very busy. As all working mums are. And I probably prioritiesed him low on my list and just expected him to tell me if ever he was feeling left out etc... Anyway, like the ladies say above...hard to know whether to talk to him but I have found men to not want to talk etc...they can get fed up of it can't they... so you cannot really win. Leave him to it and thats not right either.... I guess I would say make sure you are strong and do what you need to do for you becuase if he does leave at some point you do not want to feel like I and many other women felt. Like we never had a chance to rebuild etc.... so just make sure you have no regrets. Thats all i would say. Try not to spend time worrying and just try to be open, supportive yet make sure you look after you. x

Phoenixrising99 Tue 08-Jul-14 09:06:40

PS you will be in shock and you will cope whatever happens. You are a woman, and a mother and you do not deserve this so don't allow the weak thoughts to come. Easy for me to say, I have just left a rambling post on my thread saying how weak I feel etc but its always easier to inspire other people than yourself isnt it.... Sending you strength xx

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